Category Archives: Faux Report

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Faux Report

BREAKING: Trump Impeachment Proceedings Beginning May 1

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The liberal left has been asking for his head on a stick, and it’s seeming like they might get it – Donald Trump’s impeachment proceedings officially begin on Monday, May 1st.

“This is an amazing day, I cannot wait for his impeachment to happen,” said Mary Lambert, a staunch Democrat. “Trump is a disgrace, and him being impeached and kicked out of office is the best thing that can happen.”

Lambert, who teaches History to middle-school children, was confused when told that “impeachment” doesn’t mean being kicked out of office, but rather, is just another name for an indictment of an official who holds office.

“What? No. When a President is impeached, it means they are kicked out. That’s why Nixon resigned – he was going to be impeached, so he skipped out on it first,” said Lambert.

“That seems to be a common misconception among idiots,” said political advisor Joel Murray. “Impeachment doesn’t mean anything. Impeachment is just being indicted; they show up in court, basically. They still have to be found guilty, but being impeached doesn’t mean they will. Trump won’t – he hasn’t done anything worth being removed from office. I don’t understand why people are so stupid. These are adults. Don’t they remember that Bill Clinton was impeached?”

Despite the confusion about the definition of the term, Trump’s impeachment is still set to begin in just a few days, with many thinking this could be the beginning of the end.

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Faux Report

Trump Becomes First Person To Admit Their Favorite Band is Nickelback

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

During an impromptu press conference at the White House, President Trump answered questions about his first 100 days in office, and also briefly joked with reporters about some of his favorite things about living in Washington D.C.

“The White House has an incredible sound system,” said Trump. “My favorite band has always been Nickelback, because I am a Leader of Men, and because their song How You Remind Me is a triumph of modern rock. Now that I live in the White House, I crank them through the building’s awesome surround sound. I can walk from room to room, and just keep listening. It’s amazing.”

For years, the Canadian rock act has been the butt of internet jokes, with most people referring to them as the worst band of all time, despite being one of the biggest selling music acts in history, and regularly selling out arenas around the world.

President Trump is the first person to ever admit publicly that they are a favorite band.

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Faux Report

Michelle Obama Files For Divorce After Obama Allegedly Caught In Sex Orgy

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Michelle Obama has reportedly filed for divorce from former president Barack Obama after allegedly catching him cheating in a massive sex orgy in their home.

According to an inside source, Michelle reportedly returned home early from a visit with family and found Barack Obama engaged in a sex orgy with “over a dozen” other people, both males and females.

“Michelle walked in right as Barack was mid-suck on a giant tranny named Pat,” said the source. “Apparently Barack has been having these secret orgies for over a decade, and this is the first time Michelle has ever found out. He apparently asked her to join, but she was shocked and ran from the house in tears.”

Neither Barack or Michelle could be reached for comment, but lawyers for both asked for “privacy” during this “extremely difficult” yet “oddly hilarious” time.

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Faux Report

Netflix Show ’13 Reasons Why’ Sparks Thousands of Teens To Commit Suicide

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

The new series from Netflix, 13 Reasons Why, which deals with the aftermath of a young teen who commits suicide, has apparently ‘triggered’ thousands of teenagers across the country to kill themselves.

“It’s shocking, really, that our little girl killed herself,” said Mary Lambert, 50, a mother of three whose oldest daughter, 19-year-old Alyssa killed herself last week. “We didn’t know she was even watching the show, let alone depressed in the first place. It’s really just the pits.”

Netflix says that the show is not designed for children and teens, but many kids have reported watching it anyway.

“I wasn’t really depressed before I watched the show, but then as I watched, I saw how much everyone actually cared after the girl killed herself, and I was like ‘Damn!’,” said Hannah, age 15. “I didn’t kill myself, at least not yet. Depends on how the show keeps going. I’m only like 5 episodes in.”

Many people are saying that it is “irresponsible” of Netflix to provide such content to teens, and not even offer a warning or a resource label with 800-numbers or websites that can help, much like other shows and movies have done that deal with heavy subjects.

Netflix says that they’re “very sorry” to hear that so many teens are killing themselves after watching the show.

“It’s a shame that teens are taking the wrong message from our show,” said Netflix spokesman Kyle Chandler. “It’s even worse for them now, because we just confirmed that we are going to continue the story with a season 2.”

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Faux Report

REPORT: Over 4,000 People Nationwide Overdosed On Marijuana on 4/20 ‘Holiday’

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Yesterday was April 20th, otherwise known as 4/20 – a favorite “holiday” among weed smokers, as 420 is the police code for marijuana. This year was, according to the Department of Drug Enforcement and Regulation, the last for almost nearly 2,000 people, though.

“Across the United States, we had a reported 1,985 deaths from over-consumption of marijuana yesterday,” said DDER spokesman Carl Lewis. “In total, there are reports of just under 4,000 overdoses. Thankfully, not all of those ODs resulted in death, but in this case, with almost half of them dying, it’s clear why this drug is so heavily regulated.”

Lewis said he has been working with the DDER since 1978, and this year is the “worst [he] has ever seen.”

“Last year, in comparison, we had only 698 OD throughout the country, with 322 of those resulting in death,” said Lewis. “With the legalization of marijuana in several new states at the beginning of 2017, we knew those numbers were going to increase, just not this dramatically.”

Lewis warns that if you’re going to break federal law and partake in marijuana, you should do so in “extremely limited moderation,” as marijuana strains have been “extremely potent” lately in most of the country.

“Your best bet is to not smoke, eat, chew, drink, or even look at marijuana,” said Lewis. “If you do find yourself in possession of the drug, or know someone else who is, please call your local police department and turn it over to them.”

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Faux Report

President Trump Plans To ‘Bring Back’ Slavery, Owning of People as Property

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a move that probably surprises no one, President Trump has signed an executive order that will allow white people to buy, sell, and trade minorities, as well as use them as non-paid workers.

“This is a game changer for our country, and for the economy,” said Trump. “If we can get all the Mexicans and the blacks and the chinks or whatever they call them now, and round them up, and have them work for free for white business owners, then those whites can afford to pay their white employees more, which will drastically improve the economy. It’s a win-win.”

Trump says that there are provisions that will help make sure that the minorities are still “taken care of,” their compensation will just not be monetary.

“They will have free room and board, and are to be provided at least one hot and one cold meal per day,” said Trump. “That is far better than the slave-trade of our fathers and grandfathers, when there were no regulations. They will also be prohibited from working more than 20 hours in a single day.”

The order is naturally being challenged by the ACLU and other civil-rights groups, but most Republicans say they are “all for it,” and are “excited” about the change.

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Faux Report

Registered Sex Offender ‘Very Upset’ Children Stopped Playing ‘Pokemon Go’ Mobile Game

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PHOENIX, Arizona – 

Mark Henry, a registered sex offender who has been convicted more than a dozen times for crimes against teens and children, says he is “very upset” that no one plays Pokemon Go anymore.

“I used to be able to meet tons of little kids, because everyone was playing it, and now the only people I’m meeting are other pervs who are out looking for kids, too,” said Henry. “It’s stupid. I wish they’d make a new game I could use to track kids.”

Pokemon Go was the most popular mobile game of all time, with hundreds of millions of downloads – but that was last year. Since the release, users have stopped playing in droves, with an average of only 3 or 4 people still playing in any given town on any given day.

“Last summer, kids were everywhere, and now, they haven’t been anywhere,” said Henry. “Plenty of Squirtles are out there, but no kids. I’m suffering, here.”

The game would allow players to catch Pokemon in the “real world” using augmented reality. Many players worked together to “Catch ’em all.”

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United Airlines To Give Free Flights To Anyone Upset By Their ‘Violent’ Removal of Doctor From Plane

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

United Airlines has agreed to give unlimited free flights to anyone who says they were upset by their treatment of the doctor who was violently thrown around by police after refusing to de-board one of their overbooked flights. A video, showing the events, has gone viral, and caused a media firestorm that has already cost the company millions in stock and customer protests.

“We understand that people are mad about our policies, and so we want to make it up to them,” said Mario Leland, a spokesman for United. “We already gave a ton of money and free flights to the people who were on the plane who had to witness the events first-hand, but we know there are people who have seen the videos, too, and they should be compensated.”

United says that they plan to give free flights to anyone who has suffered PTSD from the videos of the events, and will even offer to upgrade to first-class anyone who would like it.

“United understands that people have no idea how airlines work, and why we have the policies we do,” said Leland. “We also understand that, for some strange reason, people think we’re to blame, when it was that asshole doctor who wouldn’t respect the terms of his ticket purchase, or the orders of the pilot or police. Frankly, he got what he deserved. But I digress. We know people don’t understand any of this, because the public is stupid and they’re sheep. So we’re doing what we need to do to save face.”

Flights can begin being booked immediately, and according to United, they will “pay back” anyone who purchases a flight over the next five years.

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Faux Report

Cadbury Accused of ‘Crapping All Over’ Easter

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LONDON, England –

Easter marks the beginning of spring where chickens lay eggs and millions consume Cadbury eggs. The company-sponsored eater egg hunt is one of the biggest int he world, and many religious groups gathered to protest the celebration they claim has “gone all to Hell.”

Over 300,000 children attended this year’s hunt, held in over 250 locations across the UK. Instead of calling it the “Easter Egg Trail” like in years past, the event was called “Great British Egg Hunt.”

The Church of England released a statement saying the Cadbury is “Taking a flaming steamer on Easter, on Jesus, and British decency.” Many plan to “defend God and Easter” by complaining to anyone who will listen, but still allowing their children to take part in the festivities.

Some claim homosexual leadership at Cadbury is to blame. “All those flamers in charge of the celebration want to take out all the Lord and leave all the flamboyancy. It is a disgrace. The next generations going to be a bunch of Elton Johns, you mark my words,” said Parker Wood, a chimneysweep and concerned citizen on the street.

Cadbury spokesperson Maxwell Wancheur says they never meant to offend anyone. “The Cadbury Bunny only cares about chocolate the innocence of childhood, and well…cash.” Many feel that those who are offended by the name change are over-reacting, as bunnies and eggs are remnants of pagan traditions, and have nothing to do with Jesus anyway.

Wiccan mother of three, Clara Potter, says she will bring her kids to the festival every year no matter what they call it. “It comes down to one thing: free candy.”

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Faux Report

President Trump To Move White House to Las Vegas

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump has made plans to officially move the White House from Washington, D.C. to Las Vegas, where he owns property and says that the taxes are “much more manageable.”

“Moving the White House to Las Vegas will save tax payers an estimated $20 million a year, as the land values are much lower in the desert,” said Trump. “I am working with the best planners, the best men out there, to move the White House safely and securely.”

There is no word on whether Las Vegas will become our nation’s capital after the White House is relocated, but Trump did say that he wouldn’t personally have any problem with that.

“There’s a lot of money in Las Vegas, and a lot of beautiful women. We’d be lucky to have Las Vegas be our nation’s capital. It’s a beautiful, fun, fast-paced city, and everyone who goes there loves it. I love it. I own plenty of property there. It’s great. Plus, what happens there stays there, so we could get away with a lot more there than we could here in D.C.”

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Country Star Loretta Lynn Says She’s Sick of Getting Hate Mail For Loretta Lynch

NASHVILLE, Tennessee – 

Country legend Loretta Lynch, best known for her his song The Coal Miner’s Daughter, says she is “sick to death” of getting hate mail, emails, and tweets aimed at former Attorney General Loretta Lynch.

“I don’t know the woman, but Republicans apparently hate that bitch,” said Lynn, 84. “I get hundreds of emails and tweets each day, confusing me with her. I don’t know why. I sing music, she’s just some black attorney. I don’t see the connection.”

Former Attorney General Loretta Lynch, who was appointed by Barack Obama, has never been liked by Republican voters, but has recently been in the news for Republican reports that she is tied to a Clinton scandal.

This is not the first time that celebrities have been confused for one another. Rachel Roy was allegedly the woman referenced as having an affair with Beyonce’s husband, and many Beyonce fans attacked TV personality Rachel Ray via twitter. Adam Sandler often gets hate mail that should be directed at Gilbert Godfried, also. Although he reportedly also gets plenty of his own as well.

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VP Mike Pence Accidentally Electrocutes Himself, Claims He’s Now Gay

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Vice President Mike Pence reportedly electrocuted himself accidentally after touching a light switch after getting out of the shower, while still wet. Ironically, the VP now claims that he is homosexual, and has planned a massive “coming out” party at the White House.

Pence, who has long been known for his completely stupid views on homosexuality and believing that it can be cured via electro-shock therapy, is now referring to himself as “a big, flaming fag,” and says he’s never been happier.

“Oh my God you guys, being gay is so wonderful and amazing. I mean, I wanna say I told you so, ’cause if I’m gay just from getting shocked, there’s no WAY that shocking couldn’t cause the opposite effect, ya know?” said Pence in a fun, sing-song voice. “But, you know, I’m just too damn giddy to even consider being negative like that. I’m the first gay man in power since Elton John’s Tiny Dancer was #1 on the charts. Ohh, baby!”

The gay community, which is normally very happy when a major celebrity comes out, has withdrawn from Pence’s announcement, and calls it “truly stupid.”

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Police Discover Meth Lab In Back Room of Alabama Walmart

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DECATUR, Alabama – 

Police were recently tipped off to a reported meth lab that was being run by Walmart employees in what they are calling one of the biggest busts in decades.

Police Chief Robert Garner said that an anonymous tip was left on their drug hotline, expressing concern about a horrible burning smell that was coming from the back of the Decatur WalMart facility. When an officer was sent to investigate, the store was instantly shut down as he discovered a meth lab that took up the entire back room.

“The thing was massive, and contained enough materials to make hundreds, if not thousands, of pounds of crystal meth,” said Chief Garner. “Apparently, every employee in the store was a part of it, from working with and gathering materials, to cooking, to selling it outside of the store. It was a full, massive operation.”

No one from Walmart’s corporate office was available for comment, but an unofficial spokesperson did say that they were “disappointed” that they weren’t able to use their company discount to get meth before the place was shut down.

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Hackers Plan To Release Donald Trump Sex Tape – But It’s Not Melania In The Video With Him!

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

After a slew of celebrity devices were hacked, a group of anonymous individuals have begun leaking nude images and sex tapes recorded by the celebrity victims. The latest seems to be President Donald Trump himself, as the group of hackers claims they have a sex tape that was taken “very recently,” but does not feature Trump’s wife Melania.

“We have procured a very salacious, very non-sexy video,” posted an anonymous hacker on the forum Reddit. “I’ve seen the video myself. I wish I hadn’t, but I have. And the person in the video is definitely Trump, and the other person is decidedly NOT Melania.”

According to the post, which included screenshots that we are not able to re-post here, the group would be releasing the full video if Trump did not step down from the Presidency. Although most would assume that he would never do that just to save face, the poster seems to think that the video is definitely something that will “get Trump thinking.”

“President Trump will know exactly what video we have if we mention the words ‘donkey’ and ‘whips,'” said the post. “We do not think that Trump, nor the man in the video with him, would want this information going public. Whoops, guess I slipped up there…”

 

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