Category Archives: Faux Report

Faux news articles

Faux Report

Woman Gives Birth 7 Years After Having Sex

baby

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A modern medical marvel has occurred in Massachusetts this week, after a woman gave birth to a healthy, 7lb 4oz baby boy. The marvel, you ask? The woman, 28-year-old Maria Piers, has not had sex in 7 years.

“I know this sounds extremely strange, but I know the precise moment that I last had sex, and that’s because it was, for all intents and purposes, a rape,” said Piers.

According to police reports from the time, Piers filed charges against a man named Robert Smalls, who she says would not stop having sex with her after she told him to stop.

“I did tell him it was okay, but I didn’t like it. He wasn’t gentle, and it hurt. I told him to stop and get off me, but he just laughed, and staid he wasn’t going to stop until he was done,” said Piers. “And he didn’t.”

Smalls was arrested and given 4 years for aggravated sexual assault, but Piers is terrified that now she’s going to have to deal with him again.

“He’s obviously the dad,” said Piers. “I don’t know how this happened, I really don’t. But I’m absolutely sure that I haven’t had sex. I haven’t even kissed a man since that night. This is both exciting and extremely terrifying for me.”

Doctors say they are at a loss for how this happened, but they could confirm that the baby, who Piers has named James, had a gestation period of about 360 weeks. She has been asked to stay in the hospital for continued testing and observation.

Standard
Faux Report

Barack Obama Goes Into Hiding After FBI Issues Arrest Warrant Over MASSIVE White House Scandal

obama

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump has, along with the FBI, issued an arrest warrant for former President Barack Obama, after it was confirmed that he is involved in a high-profile scandal.

According to reports, Obama may have been illegally downloading movies while living in the White House.

“This kind of behavior is entirely disgusting, and even the President is not above the law when it comes to copyright infringement,” said President Trump in a statement. “We have confirmed that Obama may have used the White House wi-fi to download and stream movies and TV shows, illegally. We cannot let this rest. Piracy is NOT a victimless crime.”

The FBI says they attempted to serve the warrant, with plans to arrest Obama, but according to their reports, the former President has gone into hiding.

“We believe the he caught wind of our investigation, and has since run from his home, and is in hiding,” said FBI spokesman Dan Carthwright. “The government was able to locate Bin Laden in a cave, so we are confident that we will find Barack Obama. We know his movie and TV show tastes. Once a pirate, always a pirate. We are monitoring the entire internet in hopes of catching him red handed, wherever he may be.”

The report from the FBI states that Obama downloaded Orange is the New Black, Transformers, and Southside With You, which is a story about his life.

Standard
Faux Report

Philip Morris Introduces New ‘Healthy Cigarettes’ That Will DESTROY Cancer Cells

cigarettes-display-c-store-885

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Great news for longterm smokers who are suffering from black lung, emphysima, cancer, and a host of other diseases contracted from years of inhaling cigarette smoke and toxins – Philip Morris International, one of the largest manufacturers of cigarettes in the world, has announced that they have created a new, healthy cigarette – one that can actually fight disease.

“This new cigarette is a combined effort of over 30 years worth of research,” said Mario Philips, President of Philip Morris. “We know that people who smoke, absolutely love it, despite the hazards like cancer and death. So we have spent decades researching new options that can keep them enjoying something they love, and also keep them alive to do it even longer.”

Philips says that the company’s new cigarette contains a “host of ingredients” that are all “top secret,” and can not divulge what might be in them, but says that most are known cancer-fighting agents, as well as other natural ingredients, and a new high-dose of what they’re calling a Cancer-Killer.

“We developed this new drug, this new cancer killer, over the last handful of years, and it works. We’ve tested it on thousands of people, and they were all cured of their cancer,” said Philips. “It’s really revolutionary. The important thing, though, as that these smokes taste just as good, just as rich, as our regular cigarettes.

The new cigarettes will be hitting store shelves in October.

Standard
Faux Report

Melania Trump Reveals STARTLING Weight-Loss Secret

melania

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Melania Trump has been in the public eye for years – before she was the First Lady, she was a fashion model, and for that, it means always keeping her figure perfect. To this day, she still has modeling and clothing line deals that require her to be in top form.

Now, for the first time ever, Melania has revealed her secrets to staying in shape at all times.

“It’s actually really simple,” said the Slovenian-born Mrs. Trump. “I get my stomach pumped two or three times a day, depending on how often I eat. Instead of absorbing all the fat and nutrients, I have all the foods I eat pulled out before my body can use them.”

Melania says that this procedure has worked for her for “a number of years,” but now she is very happy that she is the First Lady, because it means no more trips to the doctors.

“We have a top-notch medical staff in the White House, and our Doctor, Dr. Lemmy, pumps me every morning, afternoon, and evening,” said Melania. “Within 30 minutes of any meal, I have to be pumped. If I’m traveling to an area where I don’t have a regular doctor, I just don’t eat. It works wonders.”

Melania said that she has not defecated in “well over 5 years.”

Standard
Faux Report

Mike Pence’s Secret GAY Romance REVEALED By Scorned Lover!

Indiana Gov. Mike Pence listens to a question during a news conference, Tuesday, March 31, 2015, in Indianapolis. Pence said that he wants legislation on his desk by the end of the week to clarify that a new religious-freedom law does not allow discrimination. The law has triggered an outcry, with businesses and organizations voicing concern and some states barring government-funded travel to the Midwestern state. (AP Photo/Darron Cummings)

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Vice President Mike Pence, a staunch Christian, Conservative, and Republican (in that order), is one of the few people left in this world to a throwback era before homosexuality was, for the most part, legal and accepted. He has previously stepped out against gay marriage, and firmly believes that electro-shock therapy can actually “cure” gay people from their “affliction.”

But all of that seems to have been a front or some sort of clever ruse, because a man has come forward claiming that he is Mike Pence’s scorned lover, and he’s ready to bare it all for the media.

“Mike and I had a relationship for over 15 years, long before he was in the public eye,” said the man, who is speaking anonymously until such time he feels it is right to reveal his identity. “I have letters, photographs, text messages, and…even some risque images that can all be used as proof of our relationship. But this wasn’t all about sex, this was love. I absolutely love him, more than any man I’ve ever met, even know, after he threw me away for politics and a public life.”

The anonymous lover says the romance ended in 2014, a year or so after Pence became governor of Indiana.

“We tried to keep things going, but between his political life, his fake marriage to his wife, and everything else, it was very hard,” said the man. “Of course, I wanted to keep seeing him, but he broke it off, and changed his number. I had no way of reaching him. It still breaks my heart. And it breaks it more every time he says something harsh against the gay community. I know what he’s really thinking, and I see it every time he speaks negatively about us…he’s just doing it to keep a persona, but deep down, he would love to have a dick in or around his mouth again.”

Standard
Faux Report

BREAKING: Trump Tweets About ‘Getting Away With Everything’, Brags He’ll Never Get Impeached

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump reportedly made an “accidental” tweet that many are assuming was meant to be a text message in the early hours Friday morning, and everyone – Democrats and Republicans alike – are going insane about it.

trumptweet

The tweet seemed to be meant to be a private message or a text, although it’s unclear who the President was talking to.

It’s so weird how I’m getting away with everything. Dems have NOTHING on me even with all the shit I say and do. They’ll never impeach. haha

The post has since been removed, and there has been no public comment from Trump or the White House.

“Frankly, I’m not surprised. I mean, we all know he’s a piece of shit scumbag – he’s been proving that for years,” said John Morley (D-Georgia). “Now we’re just getting actual proof from the man himself. Even Republican friends of mine think it might be time to start figuring out how to get him out.”

 

Standard
Faux Report

3-Month-Old Baby Arrested For Breaking Priceless Artifact at History Museum

baby

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A 3-month-old baby has been taken into custody in Boston after he broke a priceless vase at the Natural History Museum on Tuesday.

Police say the baby, who has in a stroller being pushed by his mother, reached out and knocked over a 4-foot tall vase, which instantly shattered when it hit the floor.

“We tried endlessly for over 15 hours to put everything back together, but we could not,” said H.T. Dumpty, the museum curator. “This piece was worth well over $600 million dollars. It was practically priceless, and a one of a kind piece from the Ming dynasty. There are no others like it, and we are extremely frustrated with this baby for ruining something so precious and valuable.”

The baby’s mother, Francine Thompson, said she was “appalled” that her son would do such a thing.

“I was pushing him along, and looking at all the beautiful pieces. I wheeled little Joey right up near the vase, and pointed to it and was reading him the card telling about its history, when all of a sudden he reached out and pushed it over. It smashed everywhere, and he just laughed and laughed. I was in shock,” said Thompson. “I hope they throw the book at him, and give him as long as possible.”

The baby is one of the youngest people ever arrested. He is being charged with felony destruction of property and felony trespassing. If convicted, he could receive up to 20 years in prison.

Standard
Faux Report

BREAKING: OJ Simpson Reportedly Killed In Prison

OJ

LOVELOCK PRISON, Nevada – 

Representatives for Lovelock Correctional Facility in Nevada have responded to questions about OJ Simpson, who has been incarcerated in their facility since 2008, after news was leaked that Simpson killed during a prison-wide talent show that featured inmates and guards alike.

“It is absolutely correct that OJ Simpson, better known around the prison as Juice, absolutely killed during his stand-up comedy routine,” said Lovelock warden Derek Hughes. “He really was hilarious, and he had the whole crowd in stitches the entire time. He performed for maybe 15 minutes, doing totally original material. I seriously had tears rolling down my cheeks. It really was a throwback to his comedy days. You remember those Naked Gun movies? Oh man, those are my favorite films. He was hilarious then, and he’s hilarious now. I hope he gets out in time to make a cameo in the remake they’re working on.”

“I absolutely love performing, and it was great to get up there, have a little fun, and make everyone laugh,” said Simpson. “There are two big loves in my life, and that’s sports and comedy. I hadn’t yet been able to really do much comedy since I’d been in prison, but I am thankful that I’ve been able to coach and mentor some of the younger inmates and help them in their games. We have some great fields and facilities here. I want to thank everyone for the kind words about my stand-up performance. It means a lot.”

Simpson is eligible for parole in October, with preliminary parole hearings scheduled to begin in July.

Standard
Faux Report

ISIS Claims Responsibility For Playground Fight at NYC Elementary School

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

A vicious schoolyard fight took place after school on Friday afternoon, and terrorist group ISIS has claimed responsibility for the attacks.

Nicky DeCarlo, 7, was reportedly attacked by a “big bully,” during lunch recess, and tattled to his teacher. When the bully, 9-year-old Al Giovannelli, found out he was in trouble, he told DeCarlo that they were going to “fight after school.”

“It is really such a common thing, kids fighting and bullying and what not, but at this age, we tend to just call the parents, try a little mediation, maybe keep them in from recess, and everything is okay,” said Principal Stephanie Biro. “In this case, the kids were actually fine by the next day. They quickly became friends after the fight, and Little Al even said he was sorry for punching Nicky in the face. It’s pretty common with kids to ‘hate,’ and then feel bad. The real confusion here comes with why ISIS has claimed responsibility for the fight.”

According to police, ISIS stepped in and said that they were responsible for the altercation, and made several posts on social media stating they were the perpetrators.

“Al is definitely not in ISIS,” said his mom to local news channel WBTU – New York. “I know that any time there is a big attack, anywhere in the world, these terrorists like to claim responsibility, but this is just getting silly. We’re not in ISIS. Albert doesn’t even know what ISIS is. They’re really reaching here.”

“WE HAVE CLAIMED THE SCHOOL YARDS OF AMERICA, WE HAVE CAUSED THESE FIGHTS. THIS IS OUR TIME, AND ALL INFIDELS WILL REAP WHAT THEY HAVE CREATED,” read a post made to Twitter from an “official” ISIS account. “WE HAVE CAUSED THIS FIGHT TODAY. ALL CHILDREN WILL BECOME MEMBERS SOON.”

Police are not at all taking the statement seriously.

Standard
Faux Report

Anonymous CIA Operative Reveals TRUE Meaning of Trump’s ‘Covfefe’ Tweet – And It’s HUGE!

covfefe

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

An anonymous, undercover CIA operative has come forward with leaked information about Trump’s late-night “covfefe” tweet, stating that is has a much darker meaning than anyone thought.

“It has been speculated that it was merely a typing or Swype error, and that Trump meant to type ‘coverage’ in his tweet, but this is nothing so simple,” said the source. “covfefe is the top-secret code that only the President can use to gain access to Area 51. It is only supposed to be spoken by the President to the agent in charge of the site, and was not meant for mass human knowledge. Frankly, this information could be extremely damaging to our enemies.”

The source went on to say that the same code has been used for each president, and that there are “no measures in place” to contact Area 51 and let them know that the codeword needs to be changed.

“Basically, this code will gain anyone and everyone top secret clearance into Area 51,” said the source. “And yes, we have aliens. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what is being held in those bunkers. If anyone know what ‘covfefe’ actually meant, they could conceivably bring down the entire US government. You definitely should not publish this information.”

Standard
Faux Report

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson FINALLY Announces Official Bid For President in 2020

johnson

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Taking a break from promoting his latest movie, Baywatch, former WWE wrestler and the world’s highest paid movie star, Dwayne Johnson, announced that he has come to a decision about running for President of the United States.

“I’m all in!” said Johnson to a reporter for Entertainment Weekly. “I’ve been giving it tons of thought. At first it was kind of a gag, and I jokingly made like I was interested. But as more and more young people approached me and asked me about it, I began to realize that I could really make a difference. We need a new…we need a better president. Someone who will listen, and make the right kind of waves. I’ve got the money to run.”

When asked where he stood on specific issues, Johnson said that he would “get into that” at a later time.

“I am a Republican, and I do have some conservative values, but I’m about the people, and helping people, and that’s what it should be about,” said Johnson. “I don’t think we need to make America great again, because the country is great, it always has been. I think what we need is to join people together. I think there are people who need to be made great again. That’s what I want to do.”

 

Standard
Faux Report

Disney Plans Reboot of Star Wars: The Force Awakens

force

LOS ANGELES, California – 

In what will be the quickest turn around for a remake in Hollywood history, Disney has announced plans to begin shooting a remake of their popular 2016 Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

“We made such a huge pile of money from that film, but there is always more to milk out of people,” said Disney spokesman George Richards. “We didn’t spend a billion dollars buying this property to let it sit. The script is being re-written, and the cast is being chosen as we speak. It’s going to be huge!”

The remake, which will be shot concurrently with the other films currently in production in the Star Wars universe, begins shooting this summer, with plans for a late 2018 release date. It will be the quickest any film has ever been remade by a major Hollywood studio.

“We are looking forward to re-breaking records with this release,” said Richards. “People say we’re out of ideas, but we’re not out of ideas – we just like to do the same things over and over again because people don’t like change! It will prove that undoubtedly when this movie goes on to make billions at the box office.”

Standard
Faux Report

Remains of Gangster Jimmy Hoffa Finally Discovered – You Won’t BELIEVE Where They Found Them!

hoffa

DETROIT, Michigan – 

A startling discovery was made in downtown Detroit on Wednesday, as a group of children were playing in one of the city’s many abandoned and dilapidated homes. According to police, two young boys were inside the rundown home’s basement when they called 911 to report they found bones.

“The two children, Mario and Carl Miller, aged 11 and 14, discovered what turned out to be a femur while playing in an abandoned house,” said Police Chief Ravi Moore. “After police arrived on scene with a crime scene investigator, we were able to unearth an entire skeleton, which has since been identified through forensic testing to be the remains of Jimmy Hoffa, the world-famous gangster.”

According to Chief Moore and the Detroit Coroner’s Office, it seems as though Hoffa died of natural causes.

“Best we can guess, is that he was hiding out in the basement of this home for an unknown amount of time. Like most of Detroit, the house has been in ruins since the mid-70s, which is around the time he went missing,” said Moore. “No one has lived in this house since, and we assume that at some point, parts of the house just sort of collapsed on him. His death has been ruled as an accident. As it turns out, there was no foul play involved at all.”

Hoffa’s remains will remain in Detroit, and eventually set up on display at the Smithsonian Museum.

 

Standard
Faux Report

Melania Plans Lawsuit Against Kathy Griffin After Viral Picture ‘Scares Her Too Much’

trump head

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Melania Trump says the plans to sue “comedian” Kathy Griffin after a viral picture showing Griffin holding a decapitated likeness of Donald Trump, has “scared her to her core,” and caused her PTSD to be triggered.

“Melania grew up in a time and place where anything could happen, and she witnessed many cruel crimes committed against friends and family,” said her lawyer, Darren Marshall, Esq. “As such, this picture of her ‘husband’ being beheaded – a man she loves and cherishes more than anything – has triggered severe flashbacks to her childhood.”

Even Trump detractors are deriding the image, calling it “tasteless” and “cruel.”

“No matter your opinion on Trump, no matter which side you fall on, he’s still our President, he’s still a father,” said Facebook user Joel Silver in a post that has since gone viral. “Imagine being young Baron, and seeing that picture. It’s disgusting.”

The lawsuit seeks unspecified damages. Neither Griffin nor her lawyers or manager could be reached for comment.

Standard