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Faux Report

BREAKING: OJ Simpson Reportedly Killed In Prison

OJ

LOVELOCK PRISON, Nevada – 

Representatives for Lovelock Correctional Facility in Nevada have responded to questions about OJ Simpson, who has been incarcerated in their facility since 2008, after news was leaked that Simpson killed during a prison-wide talent show that featured inmates and guards alike.

“It is absolutely correct that OJ Simpson, better known around the prison as Juice, absolutely killed during his stand-up comedy routine,” said Lovelock warden Derek Hughes. “He really was hilarious, and he had the whole crowd in stitches the entire time. He performed for maybe 15 minutes, doing totally original material. I seriously had tears rolling down my cheeks. It really was a throwback to his comedy days. You remember those Naked Gun movies? Oh man, those are my favorite films. He was hilarious then, and he’s hilarious now. I hope he gets out in time to make a cameo in the remake they’re working on.”

“I absolutely love performing, and it was great to get up there, have a little fun, and make everyone laugh,” said Simpson. “There are two big loves in my life, and that’s sports and comedy. I hadn’t yet been able to really do much comedy since I’d been in prison, but I am thankful that I’ve been able to coach and mentor some of the younger inmates and help them in their games. We have some great fields and facilities here. I want to thank everyone for the kind words about my stand-up performance. It means a lot.”

Simpson is eligible for parole in October, with preliminary parole hearings scheduled to begin in July.

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Faux Report

Stephen King Says That His Next Book Will Be A Romantic Comedy

Stephen King To Revolutionize Book Industry; New Novel To Published Exclusively On Live Horses

BANGOR, Maine – 

Stephen King is one of the best-selling writers of all time, with every single one of his 57 novels becoming #1 New York Times best sellers. The author has said, though, that his next book will be a huge change from his normal dark, scary, and personal stories. His next novel will be a romantic comedy.

“I’ve been writing horror and drama for so long, that I really feel like I need to change things up,” said King from his home in Bangor, Maine. “I’ve been the master of the macabre for as long as I can remember, and I think with my next outing, I want to become the King of the Kissing, or something.”

King, who is best known for his horror stories including It, Misery, and Pet Sematary, says that some of his all-time favorite movies are romance or comedies, and that trying his hand at writing a “different” kind of novel will hopefully stretch his imagination to places it hasn’t gone before.

“I love all types of media, and I love all kinds of genres,” said King. “Comedies, romance, horror, sci-fi, action – I read them all, I go to see movies of all of them, and I watch TV shows in every genre. The one thing I’ve never done is try to take my love of multiple genres and really release something I can honestly say is not personal piece. This next book will be that piece.”

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Faux Report

Betty White To Star In ‘Golden Girls’ Reboot on CBS

betty

MIAMI, Florida –

Everyone’s favorite TV queen, Betty White, has reportedly signed on to star in a reboot of the classic 80s sitcom The Golden Girls, which ran for 7 seasons and also originally starred Bea Arthur, Estelle Getty, and Rue McClanahan.

“I am so extremely excited to go back to work on what I think was my crowning achievement as an actress,” said White. “I only wish that the other girls could be here to take part. They tell me that the scripts are coming along, and that they’re going to be so dark and gritty. It’s going to be a fun change!”

The reboot is still being cast, but will reportedly will take place in the same home in Miami, with White reprising her role as Rose.

“Rose was one of the most loveable characters on TV, and Golden is one of of, if not the best, written sitcoms in television history,” said CBS executive Merle Rogers. “We are extremely excited to work with Betty again, and to begin a whole new series of ‘being a friend.'”

No air date or shoot schedule has been set for the series, but Rogers did say that it’s not “entirely out of the question” to make the show grittier and more updated.

“People like their shows dark now. Back in the day, we had, for example, the comedic Batman TV series. Now we have The Dark Knight. It’s the same with TV,” said Rogers. “It’s all Walking Dead, Breaking Bad, Mad Men. Moody, dark shows. That’s what people want, so that’s what we’ll give them with this Golden Girls reboot.”

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