Tag Archives: Star Wars

Faux Report

Disney Plans Reboot of Star Wars: The Force Awakens

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

In what will be the quickest turn around for a remake in Hollywood history, Disney has announced plans to begin shooting a remake of their popular 2016 Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

“We made such a huge pile of money from that film, but there is always more to milk out of people,” said Disney spokesman George Richards. “We didn’t spend a billion dollars buying this property to let it sit. The script is being re-written, and the cast is being chosen as we speak. It’s going to be huge!”

The remake, which will be shot concurrently with the other films currently in production in the Star Wars universe, begins shooting this summer, with plans for a late 2018 release date. It will be the quickest any film has ever been remade by a major Hollywood studio.

“We are looking forward to re-breaking records with this release,” said Richards. “People say we’re out of ideas, but we’re not out of ideas – we just like to do the same things over and over again because people don’t like change! It will prove that undoubtedly when this movie goes on to make billions at the box office.”

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Symphony

Encore of Revival: America, January 2, 2017

Carrie Fisher died over the Holidays, may she rest in peace. She was best known for Leia in “Star Wars” and second-best known for her wit. Having finished filming for Episode VIII due in 2017, Episode IX for 2019 is still in on the drafting board, though she was intended to play a substantial role. There has been no official comment on what Leia’s role will be.

When anyone dies, our natural response is to discuss their work. It seems cold, but is its own form of respect. People want to know how her life’s work will end up, a question about justice to her and her work. People ask what will become of her unfinished work because they love her. They’ll make it good. They always do.

But, deeper meaning surfaces for all of us. Han Solo’s death, his speculated return, the runaway son, and the complexity of Leia and Han’s family opened one of the deep problems in America: broken families. Any runaway child should come home quickly because parents don’t live forever. Carrie’s mother passed away the next day.

Carrie Fisher left us with many messages, both in life and in death, both good and bad, both filial and professional, both pithy and elaborate, and always poetic.

A team that works in web security dug into claims about the so-called (and now seemingly mislabeled) “Russian hack” and they made some reports. In sum, it likely wasn’t Russia in particular. The hack seemed to use out-of-date Ukrainian hacker tools, had multiple origins and targets, and, as usual with hacks, the main vulnerability was: compromised user accounts—something easily prevented by using Ubuntu rather than Windows for a desktop operating system and knowing a few basics about hyperlinks, apps, and websites.

If Russia did have anything to do with the [non-]Russian hack, it would have been to get Democrats to merely cast the recent and unnecessary doubt on the perfectly-in-tact election system itself.

Obama continues to work diligently—between golf trips—to smack someone on the wrist in his remaining less-than-three-weeks. Israel may be stalling too much to receive a good slap; instead, he went after the adversary who outsmarted him time and again, including this time: Putin.

In life, many of us know what we have lost, but few of us ever learn to know when we have lost.

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Symphony

Encore of Revival: America, October 17, 2016

If the Clinton campaign is doing so well, why are they working so hard? If the media “knows” Trump will win and has totally done himself in “this time” (as in many times before) then why do they have such a demonstrable effort against him? Why is it illegal for the public to read WikiLeaks, but not for CNN? And why, if the box office is down, did “Star Wars” help the box office make so much money? Are movies from the 80’s all that people want to see anymore?

When Trump “changes his mind” from a non-teleprompter statement to a media microscope interrogation a few days later, his supporters like him more for one reason: It proves he is normal.

Americans make whimsical statements every day as they toss ideas and formulate real opinions. The small back-and-forth as real Americans—including Trump—develop their ideas in a consistent, overall direction is a stark contrast to the flip-flopping of career politicians with calculated, consulted, contrived so-called “positions” as they forget whether they are speaking to their secret donors or the voters they scam. Of course, no one has a front-row seat to this difference like the media, who seem to be so ignorant of that difference that the ignorance has become an indictment.

No one will ever trust the media after this election. They have bankrupted their “emotional bank account” of public trust.

The sad part is how many career politicians think their smooth statements are actually helpful. But, the Republican rhetoric lovers forget that the smoothest-talking presidents with the least offensive speeches have always been Democrats. Republicans who get the blue votes always make big waves.

Everything, including the extra effort for Hillary, says that Trump will win November.

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Faux Report

‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Becomes First Film To Make $100 Billion Dollars At Box Office

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HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Star Wars fever has hit the world hard, after the latest installment, The Force Awakens, has crossed the $100 billion dollar mark in worldwide grosses, blowing away the previous box office champ, Avatar, which grossed only about $2.5 billion.

“Honestly, I’m shocked that the movie did so well,” said the director, JJ Abrams. “No one seemed to care too much when I reinvigorated Star Trek, so I didn’t have super high hopes for Force. Plus, all we really did was remake the first film, so seriously, it’s crazy that people are plopping down money to see it 15 or 20 times.”

Based on worldwide grosses, the studio behind the film, Disney, says that they estimate that every single human being currently alive on the planet has seen the film at least once, and that several babies – who won’t even be born until the new year – may have already seen it as well.

“It’s really the only way the film could have done so much money,” said Disney CEO Mike Laird. “I mean, think about it like this. Titanic was the number one film at the box office for almost a dozen years, at just over 2 billion dollars. Then Avatar knocks that out with just under 3 billion. And now, here comes Force, which brings in a whopping $100 billion? I mean, that’s insane, right? There are 8 billion people in the world, and with average ticket prices at around $12, that means everyone, everywhere has seen the movie.”

Although those numbers add up, that’s likely not the case, according to box office analysts.

“More likely, it’s the same handful of nerds who’ve gone and see the movie 40 or 50 times in IMAX, which have ticket prices closer to the $20 range,” said Box Office Mojo writer Gil Morrison. “I can honestly say I haven’t seen it, and probably never will. I mean shit, who cares?”

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Faux Report

Man Stabbed, Killed With Toy Lightsaber At Showing Of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Tom Chris, 32, was reportedly killed after he was in an altercation with another patron at a Regal Cinema location in Los Angeles, police say. Onlookers who gave an account of the event say that Chris, who was dressed as Han Solo while waiting in line to see a matinee of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, was attacked by an unknown assailant in a Kylo Ren costume. The person was able to escape before police arrived.

“Oh man, it was intense,” said Mario Lemming, who waiting in line for a different movie and witnessed the event. “I mean, there they are, two grown-ass men, dressed in costumes like a couple of total fucking nerds, and then the Kylo Ren dude pulls out a lightsaber toy, you know, one of those ones for kids that light up but retract when you stab into something? Yeah, well, his didn’t retract, and it literally went right through that guy. Needless to say, that was the highlight of my day. Sisters, the piece of shit that my wife dragged me to, was horrible.”

Police say that they are combing security footage from the theatre and nearby businesses, but so far, they have no leads as to who was dressed in the Kylo Ren costume.

Tom Chris leaves behind no wife or kids, because clearly, a man dressed as Han Solo at a matinee showing of Star Wars on a Wednesday afternoon does not have a family.

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Faux Report

Man Dies Of Hypothermia Waiting In Line For New ‘Star Wars’ Film

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A Boston man has died after reportedly suffering from hypothermia while waiting in line for the new Star Wars movie, which opens this weekend in theaters.

The man, Chuck Conway, 29, had been sleeping outside of the AMC Theater in downtown Boston since Sunday evening, trying to be the first in line.

“We saw him line up outside the doors on Sunday afternoon. He came prepared with a sleeping bag, a tent, and some books to read,” said AMC theater manager Joe Goldsmith. “We couldn’t believe he’d get here that early. It was insane.”

Friends say that Conway was a Star Wars super fan, and that he’d spent most of the year saving up to be able to afford to take time off from his job at McDonald’s and wait in line.

“Chuck was a hell of a guy, but not very bright, really,” said friend and co-worker Mitch Jacobs. “I mean, the tickets went on sale months ago, and he already had a ticket. Hell, AMC even makes you pick your seat ahead of time, so there was literally no reason for him to go stand in line. It’s a real shame he died over something so menial and stupid. But hey, more hours for me at work, right?”

Disney, the company releasing Star Wars: The Force Awakens said in a public comment that it was “tragic” that a fan had died,  but offered no sympathy. AMC Theaters said they would offer a memorial service for Chuck at one of their locations, and that any who wanted to attend could get in for the matinee discount rate.

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