Tag Archives: Weird News

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Boston Cop Shoots, Kills Black Man For Smoking A Joint

policeBOSTON, Massachusetts – 

On the heels of recent scandals involving police brutality among the African American community, Malik Edwards, a 36-year old African American man living in the Boston area was shot by police officers following a dispute regarding a marijuana cigarette.

According to witnesses, Edwards was seen sitting on the porch of his girlfriend’s home located in Evanston, Massachusetts, a municipality about 10-miles outside of Boston when the incident occurred. Edwards was accompanied by 2 additional African American males and his 32-year old girlfriend Nia Brown.

According to witness statements, including that of Brown’s, around 9:20 PM, 2 Evanston Police officers approached the individuals visiting on the porch and asked them what they were doing. According to Brown, Edwards, who had been smoking a marijuana cigarette, often referred to as a joint, spoke for the group and told the police officers that they were just visiting and unwinding after a long day of work.

The police officers asked Edwards what was in his hand (referring to the marijuana cigarette), and Edwards replied, “Oh this is just a little something that helps me to unwind after a long day”. The police officers demanded Edwards put out the marijuana cigarette, to which according to witnesses, Edwards was slow to comply.

 

(read more at The Boston Tribune)

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Act of God? Man Dies While Masturbating After Lightning Strikes His Bed

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DALLAS, Texas – 

Saturday night ended in a tragedy for 23 year old Alan Escamilla. According to reports Alan Escamilla was struck by lightning while he was masturbating in his bedroom.

According to Dallas MD, Alan Escamilla was masturbating in his bedroom, before a massive bolt of lightning struck him.When police and ambulance arrived on the scene, they found Alan Escamilla, which “looked like burnt coal,” according to Officer Bryan Granados.

Police found Escamilla in a “masturbating position,” with his hand wrapped tightly around his penis. Alan Escamilla Sr. said his sons body was “rock hard, but he was breathing heavily and very much alive.”

“If there was one thing about Alan, it’s that he masturbated all the time. Once he spent four hours in the restroom just masturbating. I had to force him out of my apartment,” says long time friend, Alex Godoy.

Alan Escamilla is expected to fully recover according to Baylor Hospital, although his penis will no longer be useable.

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New ‘Shit On The America Flag Challenge’ Takes Form In Support Of Colin Kaepernick and Free Speech

 

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Young black Americans are apparently taking a stand and wiping their asses with the American flag, all in support of Colin Kaepernick and his sit-in during the National Anthem, and to make notice of their rights to free speech.

“I love America, there’s nothing wrong here at all as far as my life is concerned,” said Shelby McIntire, an ass-wiping, flag hater. “Problem is, fuck the flag, and fuck the national anthem. I don’t care about symbols, I care about action, and there’s none happening for young niggas like me. So, here’s your flag, here’s my shit, and now the two can meet.”

The act of flag desecration is protected free speech, but McIntire has had to go into hiding thanks to internet trolls that revealed her address on popular website Reddit.

“I’m not scared for me, but I don’t want them to hurt my family over this,” said McIntire. “It will all blow over, though. And I can go back to wiping my ass with toilet paper.”

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Burger King Manager Fired After He Was Caught Eating McDonald’s Big Mac

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SCRANTON, Pennsylvania – 

A lawsuit is underway after a Scranton, Pennsylvania Burger King manager was fired earlier this week because he was caught eating a Big Mac cheeseburger on his lunch break. Ron Berger, the now former store manager, was let go after 10 years with the Burger King chain after security footage showed him bringing the McDonald’s flagship burger into the restaurant he was in charge of.

There is no rule controlling what employees can or cannot eat while on their break, but Burger King “strongly suggested” that employees eat something off of their menu.

“I mean, it wasn’t the first time that I’ve brought in food from McDonald’s, but I guess it will be the last,” Said Berger. “I really enjoy Big Macs. They’re so delicious. I really just can’t resist the two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions – on a sesame seed bun…and it’s just a food item that Burger King doesn’t offer. It isn’t like I’m trying to take down Burger King one Big Mac at a time, they’re just damn delicious. I plan to sue for what they’ve done, and I feel that I’ll be finally able to order something other than an item off the dollar menu when I get my settlement check.”

Burger King Corporation has released a statement about the issue, and it comes as no surprise that they aren’t taking the side of the fired employee. McDonald’s has reportedly offered a job managing one of their locations to Berger, who has not decided if he wants to continue working in fast food.

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Man Finds Dead Baby In Walmart Discount DVD Bin

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LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – 

According to police statements, 27-year-old Mark Jacobs was sorting through a Wal-Mart discount DVD bin when he discovered a rotting corpse of a newborn buried in the middle of the bin. Witnesses rushed over to Jacobs after hearing him scream and call for help.

“I saw a small foot as I dug to the bottom of the DVD pile,” said Jacobs. “Initially, I assumed that someone had placed a Halloween prop within the pile as a gag. It wasn’t until I grabbed the foot and the leg separated from the body that I realized the $5 DVDs were hiding a violent, vicious secret.”

 Local police and paramedics confirmed that the child had been dead for approximately four days, and was estimated to be around three months old. Upon reviewing security footage, police found that the child was placed in the DVD bin by a young woman earlier in the week. The security footage provided by Wal-Mart Loss Prevention Department has yet to be released to the public, however, investigating officers believe the newborn’s mother to be Maria Lambert, a 31-year-old recently divorced employee of the company. They are currently unsure of her whereabouts.
Jacobs told reporters that Walmart offered him a gift card to make up for his troubling experience. However, he said he was going to “hold out for more money,” because then he could get more discount movies.
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Subway Employee Who Drugged Police Officer’s Drink Also Ejaculated Into Spicy Mayo Sauce

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ATLANTA, Georgia –

A sandwich shop employee accused of drugging a police officer’s drink earlier this month has admitted he also contaminated the spicy mayo sauce with his semen.

It’s been more than a week since 18-year-old Tanis Ukena was arrested.

Investigators told The Associated Press they didn’t feel comfortable pressing charges until lab results are returned to confirm what was in the drink.

Initial tests indicated meth and THC were present in the beverage.

Ukena denies putting drugs in the officer’s drink, although he did admit to masturbating into the spicy mayo, after police officers said they would find out the truth in labs, and he “better fess up.”

Ukena says that he did not use the spicy mayo when making officer’s sandwich and the mayonnaise-masturbation incident was unrelated.

“I was just bored and unscrewing the cap, I thought – ‘maybe that would feel good.’ I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. Also my lawyer has advised me to say I respect police and any use of force by police is justified in my book.”

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Woman Drives SUV Into Store Because They Are Out Of Crystal Pepsi

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LANE COUNTY, Texas – 

When Noella Fay, 45, found out her local Safeway was out of Crystal Pepsi, she did not take the news well. Fay was asked to leave after repeatedly demanding employees “get more from the back.” Shift leader, Rich York threatened to call the police if Fay did not leave the store, after assuring the disgruntled customer they were completely out of the product.

Shortly thereafter Fay returned, droving her SUV into the store down an aisle to the back of the store. She then backed up and drove between the check stands and the aisles and drove out the other doors. No one was injured, according to Sgt. Rich Charboneau , but the Chevrolet Tahoe left the store in tatters.

“It goes without saying that we are just grateful that no customers or employees were harmed in our Springfield Safeway this morning,” said Jill McGinnis, communications manager with Safeway.

Police found Fay’s SUV abandoned. Officers arrested Fay at her home.

Now, Fay’s sister and husband want the public to know: that isn’t the Noella Yvonne Fay they know and love. The 43-year-old has bipolar 1 disorder, according to her husband and sister.

Fay’s medication had recently been modified, her sister said.

“I think her doctors may have been a little negligent, honestly,” Fay’s sister Joeleen Alcantar said. “If you look at her record, you know her mom just died. You know, she’s going two or three days a month with not getting a lot of sleep – and you’re OK to lower that medication? You kidding me?”

Alcantar said Fay used to work as a case worker. She lost her job after a manic episode.

Her family says they’ve called police for help in the past.

“You call the cops, and the cops tell you: ‘Sorry, there’s nothing you can do ’til she hurts herself or hurts others’,” her husband Brian Fay said. “Well, that’s what it took to get her in there.”

The Fays have a daughter and son together.

But she had been in and out of the home over the last few days. She lost her cell phone, and family members weren’t able to keep track of her whereabouts.

Now Fay is in the Lane County Jail, facing criminal charges. What happens next is up to the district attorney, police said.

“Just a question for you guys,” Alcantar asked. “How would you feel if that was your child in Safeway and she went in there? You would hate her if anything happened to your child. I hate the system, because something is going to happen to my sister. She’s a victim, too.”

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Marilyn Manson Has Surgery To Replace Ribs, Says He’s Done Sucking His Own Penis

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

If you don’t know anything about shock-rocker Marilyn Manson, you at least have probably heard two things – one, he is responsible for the shootings at Columbine High School, and two, he had two of his lower ribs removed so that he could give himself oral sex.

A surgeon in Los Angeles has said that the rock star, now 47, approached him last year to have the ribs replaced, claiming that he “no longer needs to suck his own dick.”

“A few weeks ago, I performed surgery on Mr. Manson and replaced his two lower, removed ribs with new, stainless, surgical steel ribs,” said the surgeon, who wishes to remain anonymous. “This is an easy procedure, and Mr. Manson was able to be in and out of the hospital in one, quick overnight stay.”

The surgeon says that Manson will be slightly sore, but should not have difficulties performing.

Manson himself said that he is glad to have his ribs back, and he wishes he never removed them in the first place.

“I feel whole again, and it’s a great feeling,” said Manson. “I came up with the idea of removing them while I was high, and since I’ve been sober for awhile, I realized that sucking my own dick is overrated, and I wanted to have the ribs replaced. Now I can get back to more important things, like focusing on making my new record, which is basically like sucking my own dick anyway.”

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World’s Biggest Baby Born At 73 Pounds

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BEIJING, China – 

The world’s largest baby was born yesterday morning in Beijing, and it weighed in at a whopping 73 pounds!

“It was incredible to see, really,” said Dr. Miamoto, who delivered the child. “I’ve never seen a vagina stretch that far before. There was more tearing and ripping and blood than you can imagine.”

Dr. Miamoto says that, sadly, giving birth killed both of the parents, and that the child will be given over to the government.

“Naturally, being Chinese, the mother was not very large at all, and her entire organs prolapsed through her vagina and anus during delivery. Her husband, an American businessman, weighed nearly 400lbs,” said Miamoto. “He died of a heart attack at seeing the size of his baby. So even though they will never know this baby, they are probably looking down from Heaven, very happy that their baby is a Guinness record holder.”

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Pope Francis Says Pokemon Go Is ‘Devil’s Tool’ To Bring Children To Satan

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VATICAN, Rome – 

Pope Francis says that the world-wide phenomenon that is Pokemon Go is really a Devil’s tool to bring children and teens over to the “dark side” of Satan.

“Games that progress the mind are a wonderful tool to God,” said Francis. “Some games, though, were created by The Devil himself, to lure unsuspecting souls to a darker place. Pokemon Go is, I believe, the most Satanic game in history.”

Francis says that the reason that the game is so popular is that technology has replaced actual friendships, but that the exercise that children are getting as they walk around, looking for digital creatures, is only going to lead to destruction.

“Yes, children are leaving their homes, they are being active, but they are not paying attention to their surroundings, and soon they will be snatched by predators who want to touch them, and hurt them,” said Francis. “I myself was almost hit by a car while trying to catch a Mr. Mime, and that was when I knew that this game was going to be the end of civilization as we know it.”

 

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Teen Commits Suicide After Bernie Sanders Endorses Hillary Clinton

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BURLINGTON, Vermont – 

A 19-year-old college student in Vermont has reportedly hung himself in his home after his parents report that he spent two days locked in his room, watching Bernie Sanders videos on YouTube.

“Mario was a good kid, a strong boy, and he was an adamant supporter of Bernie Sanders,” said Mario Lewis’ mother, Mary. “The whole family were very proud to support Sanders, but Mario definitely took it the hardest when Bernie backed Hillary. He was in tears ever since.”

Mary says that her son was a straight-A student throughout high school, had graduated early, and was studying political science at Vermont State College.

“This is the most disturbing thing to happen in my life, and I can’t believe it was all about this stupid election,” said Mary. “I just keep telling myself that he’s in a better place, and that it doesn’t matter that he’s gone now, because come November, we’re all going to be fucked anyway.”

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Child Kills Parents With Axe After They Turn Off Internet As Punishment

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REGINALD, Maryland – 

A 12-year-old boy has been arrested and taken into policy custody for allegedly killing his parents with an axe on Thursday evening.

Caleb Dryer was reportedly upset with his parents after they turned off the home internet when Caleb brought home his final report card with several failing grades.

“Those assholes know I can’t live without Facebook, and it wasn’t fair. If I can’t live without getting online, then they don’t get to live at all,” Caleb reportedly said to police.

So far, officers have not released much information on the murders, except to say that they were “gruesome and shocking.”

Attorney John Frugal, who is representing the state in the case against Caleb, says that his remorseless attitude will very likely land him a life sentence.

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Trump Superfan Gets Portrait Tattoo Inside Her Anus

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LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

A Donald Trump superfan has gone to great lengths to both show – and hide – her support for Making America Great Again. Mark Rogers, a tattoo artist in Las Vegas, Nevada, has confirmed that he did tattoo a portrait of the Republican nominee inside the anus of a 29-year-old woman.

“She doesn’t want her name out there, because her family doesn’t know she’s a Trump supporter, so she doesn’t want me to mention her, but I can confirm that I did give her the tattoo, yes,” said Rogers. “I was surprised that a supporter would want his tattoo in their asshole; that seems more like something that someone who hates him would get – at least placement wise, but she said she wanted to keep it a secret.”

Rogers says that in his 20 years of tattooing, it’s not the first time he’s tattooed someone’s anus, but it is the first time he’s done a portrait there.

“It was a long, slow process, but we got a really good likeness, I think,” said Rogers. “For my money, though, I wish I could have done a Clinton portrait instead.”

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Woman Says She Got Pregnant After Sitting On Target Store Bathroom Toilet

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JACKMAN, Mississippi – 

Roberta Jones, 33, says that she got pregnant a few weeks ago after visiting a local Target store and using their bathroom.

“I saw a man coming out as I was going in, but I didn’t think nothing of it,” said Jones, a cashier at a grocery store. “I thought he musta walked in there by mistake. It’s happened to us all at one point or another. But then when I used the bathroom, I did notice that there was something sticky and nasty on the seat when I sat down. I knew I shoulda hovered.”

Jones says that a few weeks later, she took a home pregnancy test, and it confirmed that she was carrying a baby.

“I haven’t had sex in over a year, and when I thought back about it, I knew it had to be that toilet. I think that man done jerked himself off in there, like a creeper, and left his little babies all over the seat,” said Jones. “Some of ’em must have flowed up in me when I was peeing. It’s nasty. But God says I can’t abort the baby, so here I go again.”

Police say they are working with the Target store security team to review footage and locate the now-expectant father.

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