Tag Archives: rape

Faux Report

Rapist Files Lawsuit Against His Victim, Claims Emotional Damage Because She ‘Wasn’t Into Him’

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MIAMI, Florida – 

A man who is being accused of raping a 29-year-old woman has filed a civil lawsuit in the Miami-Dade court system, claiming the the girl was “not into it,” and thereby caused his extreme emotional harm and psychological damage.

According to public records, Mark Hemmingway, 33, has filed a lawsuit against Marissa Clarke, 29, both of Miami, after she failed to “really get into him” while he was forcibly having sex with her. The suit alleges that even though Clarke was severely intoxicated, she had been giving Hemmingway “the eyes” all night at a party, and then later passed out.

“She had been giving me those ‘fuck me’ eyes all night at a party, and then I found her later on in the bedroom,” alleges Hemmingway. “She had her shoes on still, and everyone knows that means you’re fair game, so I went at her. I knew she wanted it, because she was giving the signals earlier. Turns out, though, she’s just a dumb bitch who wasn’t into me at all. I’m not sure if anyone realizes how fragile the male ego is, but the answer is…very.”

Hemmingway is suing Clarke for a whopping $1 million dollars, claiming irreparable emotional damage. Acccording to his lawyer, Hemmingway has a “good chance” at winning his case, even if it does mean that he is admitting to the sexual assault.

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Faux Report

New Hampshire Courts Rule That Rape Is Legal In All Cirucmstances

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CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

Although a recent internet circulation about Oklahoma law allowing for someone to be orally raped if they are intoxicated has already been proved to be inaccurate, New Hampshire lawmakers may be giving the internet something new to make waves over. The courts in that state have determined that all rape, whether it is a man on a woman or a woman on a man, and no matter what bodily orifice is penetrated, is considered legal in all circumstances.

“We live in a state where the motto is ‘Live Free or Die,'” said state senator Richard Lambert. “We have no seatbelt laws. We have no sales tax. We have no helmet laws. We have the most lax laws on theft or vandalism in the country. It was a no-brainer that we should also have no laws pertaining to rape or sexual assault.”

According to Lambert, lawmakers were recently put on blast for allowing a 17-year-old teen to go free after he was arrested for allegedly raping a 16-year-old female classmate.

“That teen says that the girl wanted to have sex, and neither of them was even drunk or otherwise intoxicated at the time, so we had to believe him,” said Lambert. “We let him go, because more often than not, when a girl loses her virginity she is upset afterwards, and looking to hurt the guy, especially when the couple breaks up, which is what had happened in that situation.”

Instead of creating stricter laws that would help to keep possible sex offenders from going free, the state decided that they would remove the laws from their court system all together, making all rape, regardless of circumstance, legal and “okay.”

“I, personally, am glad that we are making the matter go away entirely by removing the laws,” said Lambert. “Our state spends more time than anything on cases about rape or assault or statutory rape than anything else, and it was costing us millions. Instead, let these kids go out and get wasted and have sex. There shouldn’t be people going to jail over regret.”

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Faux Report

Inmate Sues Prison System After Saying Multiple Assaults ‘Turned Him Gay’

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CARSON CITY, Nevada – 

Johnny “Rebel” Wilson, 30, is an inmate in the Carson City prison system in Nevada, and has been since he was 19. Wilson was convicted of slaughtering his entire family in 2004, and is serving a life sentence. Wilson claims now, though, that the last decade of rapes and attacks he has been inflicted with has “turned him gay,” and he is suing the prison system.

“I weren’t no faggot when I came into jail, but I been getting raped so long and so hard, that now all I can do is think about sweet, fat cock,” said Wilson. “I don’t wanna be no queer, and this shit ain’t right. It’s the prison’s fault for making me a gay. Hell they don’t even give these guys no condoms, so I have to take it raw. That’s probably why I’m so gay now. If they at least had condoms, I probably wouldn’t have gotten the gay this bad.”

Lawyers for Wilson say that he doesn’t have much of case, but that his homies on the outside are coercing them into taking the job.

“Obviously Mr. Wilson was gay before he came to prison, as it’s pretty common knowledge that you’re either born gay, or you’re not, but no matter what we tell him, Mr. Wilson insists that the prison is to blame,” said attorney Joseph A. Goldsmith. “We can’t talk him out of this lawsuit, so we’re moving forward at his request.”

Goldsmith says that his client is seeking monetary damages of $15 million for his sudden “gayness,” and says that the strain and stress has been so bad, that he deserves to be let out of prison with a full pardon.

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Faux Report

Bill Cosby Says He’s Actually Gay, Couldn’t Possibly Have Assaulted Anyone

Bill Cosby Brings Up Rape Allegations In Interview Because No One Was Talking About Him Anymore

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Extremely old comic Bill Cosby, who has been accused of sexually assaulting – or flat-out raping – so many women that the entire media has lost count, is now claiming that he couldn’t possibly have done anything to any of the women accusing him, because he’s actually gay.

“Yes indeed, I’m as gay as they come, woo-hoo, gay gay gay,” said Cosby. “Yes, I’ve been married for years, but in my day, it’s just what you did. You didn’t want anyone to know you were gay, so you snagged a woman and made her your wife. But really, I’m very gay. Why do you think I sucked so many pudding pops over the years? What man likes something to phallic who isn’t gay? Yup, gay gay gay.”

Cosby claims that he’s not using this defense as a way to try and take the blame off himself for his alleged crimes, but that he just feels now is the perfect time to “come clean” about his sexual habits.

“I have a lot of proclivities, but raping women isn’t one of them,” said Cosby. “I like men, always have, always will. Yup, don’t you forget it – gay gay gay. If someone says to you ‘Cosby rapes women,’ you correct them right there and tell them how gay I am, and that it’s not true at all. I’ve never raped anybody.”

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Faux Report

14 Dead, 22 Injured After Riots and Protests At Latest Trump Rally

Small Town In Iowa Completely Bans Music After Punk Concert Causes Riots, $250k Damage

BEDFORD, Wisconsin – 

14 people are dead and at least 22 are injured after Trump supporters attacked a group of peaceful protestors at the candidates latest rally in Wisconsin. Trump, who is known for egging on supporters to harass and bully his detractors, said that he was “overjoyed” that there were less people now standing in his way.

“Everywhere I go, there are more and more people standing in my way, trying to keep this country down, when all I want to do is make America great again,” said Trump. “In Wisconsin, we had horrible riots and there were some deaths, yes, but the only ones killed were Trump protestors, Trump detractors. There are fewer now, and for that, we should all be thankful.”

Trump has offered multiple times to pay the legal fees of any one of his constituents who is arrested or charged for crimes against protestors. In this case, police are still sorting out how and where the riot originated.

“We know that there were a group of 15 or 20 peaceful protestors standing outside the hall where Trump was campaigning,” said Police Chief Mario Jones. “According to witnesses, that group was attacked by a handful of Trump supporters, who beat them with rocks, bats, and chains. Most were killed instantly, but some are mending in a local hospital. Once they are out of their comas, we will begin questioning.”

Trump was not held liable for the riots, despite being the one to incite it.

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Faux Report

Girl Presses Sexual Assault Charges After Unwanted Kisses From Grandpa

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DELUTH, Mississippi –

A 14-year-old girl is pressing charges against her grandfather after she says he gave her “cheek pinches and kisses” while he visited on her birthday last week.

“Every year, my granddad comes to my house once a year, on my birthday. He always gives me kisses on the forehead and cheek pinches, and I told him ahead of time that this year I would have friends over, and I did not want to be kissed,” said Jessica Jones, 14. “He laughed, and he must have thought I was joking when I told him, because he did it anyway. I was mortified. I had to run out of my own party.”

Jessica’s parents said that they continued with the party despite her absence, and none of her friends even seemed to notice the kissing or the cheek pinching, but Jessica still insists that her grandfather be arrested and charged with sexual assault.

“I want to show all the grown-ups out there that they can’t just touch us whenever they want, just because we’re kids, or just because we’re family,” said Jessica. “My granddad is old. It doesn’t matter that he gave me $100 in a birthday card, he still shouldn’t have touched me like that.”

Jessica says that her parents refuse to pay for a lawyer, so Jessica is using her babysitting money and hoping to find a cheap attorney.

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Faux Report

Serial Killer Reportedly Disposed Of Over 50 Bodies Via Curbside Garbage Pick-Up

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PORTLAND, Oregon –

Kyle Brenner, 50, was arrested on Friday morning after a garbage man noticed something funny in the trash in front of Brenner’s home.

“I went to lift up the trash barrel and a finger fell to the ground,” said Mark Jones, 29. “I’ve been hauling garbage for about 3 years, and I’ve seen some crazy shit end up in the trash, but that was the first time I ever saw something human fall to the ground.”

Police were called, and in the investigation, a full body was discovered, that of a woman in her late 20s who has yet to be identified. Brenner was arrested and brought up on charges of murder and improper disposal of human remains. While in police custody, Brenner admitted that he had done the exact same thing more than 50 times, and had never been caught.

“I have been kidnapping, raping, and killing young girls for longer than I can remember,” Brenner said during his police interview. “I have always disposed of them in the same way – putting them in black, Glad trash bags, and putting them on the curb for the garbage man. These women, they’re trash, so I’m just getting rid of them in the most obvious way possible.”

Brenner admits that he chose his victims based solely on size, and that the “smaller the better.”

“When it comes to my sexual preference, I don’t like children, I don’t like boys, and I don’t like animals, but anything else is fair game. When it comes to my preference in killing, I like tiny women,” said Brenner. “They can’t put up as much of a fight, and they fit better in the garbage cans. It’s just common sense, really.”

Brenner is currently being charged on 53 counts of kidnapping, sexual assault, and murder. If convicted, Brenner faces the death penalty.

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Faux Report

Former Subway Pitchman Jared Fogle Raped, Murdered In Prison

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PHOENIX, Arizona – 

According to local police, Jared Fogle, the disgraced former Subway pitchman who was convicted on child pornography and sex charges, was found dead in his prison cell on Thursday afternoon. Prison officials say that it appears that Fogle was raped and sodomized and stabbed with a prison-made shank.

“Mr. Fogle had, until recently, been in protective custody to assure that this exact thing did not happen,” said prison warden Michael Ross. “After he was released into general population on Wednesday evening, we heard rumors that an attack was imminent. Unfortunately, we did not move him back into PC in time. Mr. Fogle was pronounced dead at 3:14PM on Thursday.”

Many of the prison’s gangs have reportedly taken accountability for the act; all of them say that it was their men who did it.

“Oh man, it was my boys in the Aryan gang, dude,” said gang leader Mark Smith. “We might hate a lot of people, but the worst are the child fuckers. They always gonna get what’s coming to them, man. It was ours for the taking, and we took it.”

Other gangs also claim that they are responsible, including the Latinos, bikers, the Jews, and the African-Americans. So far, police say they have no leads as to who is actually responsible, but that they’re not too worried about finding out, either.

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Faux Report

Rapist Sues Woman He Assaulted After Learning She Gave Him HIV

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SAN DIEGO, California –

John Ryan, 32, is suing Felicia Jones, 26, after contracting HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, in a sexual encounter. Ryan says that although he was raping Jones at the time, she should have informed him that she had the virus, and because she didn’t, he is entitled to “everything she has.”

“Just because I grabbed her off the running path in the park, took her into the woods, and raped her, doesn’t mean that she has the right to hide her disease from me,” said Ryan, who has been arrested for sexual assault in the past, although the charges were later dropped. “Because she didn’t say anything, I now have HIV, and my life is essentially ruined.”

The law in most states, including California, says that if you are a carrier of HIV or AIDs, you must inform all sexual partners beforehand, or face possible arrest and prosecution for manslaughter.

“Ms. Jones was fully able to explain to me that she had the disease, as I did not cover her mouth like I’ve done to other women in the past,” said Ryan. “I may have decked her in the mouth a few times, but a little blood is not stopping her from saying ‘hold on a minute, I have HIV.'”

Jones says that she was terrified in the situation, and that her condition was not at the forefront of her mind.

“That bastard was raping me, and telling him that I was sick probably wouldn’t have stopped him anyway,” said Jones. “I was scared, and I thought he might kill me. That’s what I was thinking about. My lawyer has advised me not to say that I think he deserves what he got, but let me just say that I’m certainly not sorry.”

Jones contracted the virus two years ago during a blood transfusion after a bad car accident.

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