Tag Archives: police

Faux Report

Police Calling For Stricter Gun Control After Woman Shoots Intruder

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PORTLAND, Oregon –

Politicians say a recent incident where a woman shot an intruder in self defense is a case-in-point example of why there needs to be stricter gun control laws. A woman who returned to her Portland, Ore., home with her two children early Sunday morning shot and killed an intruder who was in the home, police said.

The woman, 33, found a stranger in the bedroom of one of her children about 1:45 a.m. PT Sunday. Police said the victim came home with her children ages 5 and 10, and armed with a handgun, she shot and killed the unknown 59-year-old man.

Police said the woman is cooperating with investigators and was not arrested. The investigation will determine whether she acted in self-defense and whether she will face charges.

Authorities say once the investigation is complete, it will be presented to the Multnomah County District Attorney’s Office for review.

An autopsy will be conducted Monday. The name of the man will not be released until his family is notified, police said.

Chief Luke Barkley says ordinary citizens should not take the law in their own hands. “The proper protocol would be to call 911 and wait for police to arrive. Don’t try to be a hero. This tragedy could have likely been avoided.”

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Faux Report

President Obama Signs Law Making It Illegal To Smoke In Cars With Underage Passengers

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Starting in October 2016, it will be illegal to smoke in a car (or other vehicles) with anyone under 18 present. The law is being created to protect children and young people from the dangers of secondhand smoke.

Both the driver and the smoker could be fined $80 each. The law applies to every driver in the entire country, and to any private vehicle that is enclosed wholly or partly by a roof. It still applies if people have the windows or sunroof open, have the air conditioning on, or if they sit in the open doorway of the vehicle. The law won’t apply to a convertible car with the roof completely down.

“Children breathe faster than adults so they are much more exposed to the dangers of second-hand smoke. Their airways, lungs and immune systems are still developing so are much more at risk from harm,” said President Obama. “We want children to grow up free from harm and we need parents to understand why smoking in vehicles is so dangerous. 80% of smoke is invisible so even if you think you are being careful you cannot see where the smoke is going.”

Big Tobacco said that they are “not worried” about the law, and that their steady sales will continue.

“People will just smoke in other places now, like in their homes, continually blowing smoke in the faces of their children,” said Marlboro spokesman Mario Luigi. “It’s how I grew up, and I’m totally fine.”

 

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Faux Report

Death Row Inmate Requests Olive Garden’s Never Ending Pasta Bowl For Last Meal

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PUTNAM, Florida –

The Florida Department of Corrections offers death row inmates the option of requesting a final meal on the day of the scheduled execution.  Guidelines specify that food items must be purchased locally, and the cost cannot exceed $40.

Del Berkley, convicted of homicide and armed robbery in 2008, asked prison officials for something they had never seen before.  He wrote down “Unlimited Pasta Bowl” as his last meal, the first request of its kind.  “I love me some Olive Garden,” Berkley said. The meal only costs $29.99 at the local restaurant.

“I wasn’t sure it was something we could accommodate,” said Prison Warden Raymond Jeffries.  “If the meal was never-ending, then we would never be able to do the actual killing of the inmate. It was an odd request, but we are required by law to fulfill it.”

Manager of the local Olive Garden, Ken Fisher, says that he welcomes Berkley to enjoy their never-ending pasta dish, and says that they are “overjoyed” that he has chosen their restaurant as their last meal.

The last meal’s monetary cap mentions nothing about off-site meals.  “That’s something we should have thought about, looking back on it,” said Warden Jeffries.  “Then of course, there’s the issue of finding people willing to eat their meal next to a convicted criminal, and the fact that we’d have to do a headcount once an hour. We’ll figure it out.”

The request was submitted to Florida Governor Rick Scott, who convened a special meeting with officials from the Florida Department of Corrections, members of the American Civil Liberties Union, and family members of Berkley’s victim -convenience store owner Martin Fales – killed during the 2008 robbery.

It is precisely because of this reason that many correctional institutions have done away with the last meal request for death row prison inmates.

 

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Symphony

Thursday, March 31, 2015

Ben Innes’ terrorist selfie on EgyptAir (Guardian)

40k petition: Carry guns at GOP convention (Quartz)

…Secret Service: No. (NBC)

FBI Comey to interview Hillary (WA Times)

Video: Cruz comedy, which car pedal for Trump? (The Hill – Jimmy Kimmel)

Japan-bound plane goes back to Hawaii, violent passenger, yoga (San Diego Union-Tribune)

continue reading

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Symphony

Friday, March 25, 2016

French raid leads to 6 arrests in Brussels (ABC)

FDA declares hemp oils belong to Big Pharma (The Event Chronicle)

Clinton email techie’s role (Reuters)

Voter registration encouraged at Mosques (NY Times)

Coffee stand staff prays with new widow (Fox Insider)

‘Jury nullification’ fliers, arrested for ‘jury tampering’, possible federal case against local court (M Live)

The Autism backpack! (Upworthy)

continue reading

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Faux Report

Shoplifting Mother Blames Crime On Baby; Baby Gets Arrested

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WESTFIELD, South Dakota – 

A woman who was stopped for shoplifting at Walmart claims that it “wasn’t her” that put more than $900 worth of merchandise into her baby carriage, and that her 4-month-old infant is to blame.

“Jamal has him some kleptomania, and it’s bad, so bad,” said Ja’La Jones, 24. “That little boy be stealing anything and everything when we go into the store. I’m ashamed, but he’s my son, it’s what I gotta deal with you, know?”

Police say that store detectives stopped Jones on suspicion of shoplifting after they say they saw multiple devices sticking out from underneath the diaper bag in her baby stroller.

“There was a PS4 video game system, some games, movies, a flat iron, and a 40oz,” said Walmart security guard Jim Olson. “We stopped Ms. Jones, and she said that her baby must have grabbed all the things when she wasn’t looking and stuffed them down there.”

Curiously enough, upon review of the store security footage, Jones was never seen putting anything in to her carriage at all; police ended up arresting her baby for grand larceny.

“He’s on a troubled path, but I think some time in jail might do him good, while he’s young,” said Jones. “Don’t want him ending up like whichever one of them guys is his daddy. All 4 possibilities are in jail right now. It’s a tough life out here.”

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Faux Report

Family Drowns After Leaving Sunroof Open In Automated Carwash

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DARWIN, Mississippi – 

A family of three died yesterday after inadvertently leaving their sunroof open when going through an automated carwash. Mary and Roger Jones, both 32, and their daughter, Julie, 11, were all killed after the car filled with water.

“It’s a tragic, horrible thing,” said carwash owner Joe Goldsmith. “Thing is, we have signs everywhere reminding people to close their windows. The water comes fast and furious, and it’s dangerous to have windows open. This is the first time in my 40 years as a carwash owner that something like this has happened, though.”

According to police, Roger Jones, who was driving, left the sunroof of their vehicle open as they entered the automated carwash. Security footage shows that a few seconds after they enter, the sunroof does begin to close, but the water reportedly shorted out the motor.

“The car was filled with over 200 gallons of soapy, sudsy, 300-degree water,” said police chief Miles Smith. “It’s a real tragedy, but a real cautionary tale as well. Always make sure you close your windows.”

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Faux Report

Faceswap App Gets Man Arrested For Murder

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MURPHY, Delaware – 

James Gordon, 36, was arrested last night after he posted a face-swapped picture to his social media pages, say police. Gordon, who swapped faces with a picture of a man on a bus stop ad, said he thought the picture was “hilarious,” but someone who reported the picture definitely didn’t think so.

“There was a case of mistaken identity like I’ve never seen before,” said police chief Joel Silver. “The merging of the two faces that Mr. Gordon posted made him look exactly like a man we’ve been searching for. It was uncanny.”

Gordon says that police burst into his home at 12 Meadowlark Trail, guns drawn.

“I was terrified; I had no idea what was going on,” said Gordon, a construction worker. “Then when they told me I was being arrested for murder, I nearly had a heart attack.”

Lawyers for Gordon fought for his release, after they made police actually take a good look at him.

“They said, ‘look at this guy – does he look like the guy you’re after?'” said Gordon. “Police had to admit that I didn’t, but I did in that face swap picture, and that’s what they arrested me based on. It was truly bizarre.”

Police are now searching for the model who was used in the bus stop ad for questioning in their murder investigation.

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Faux Report

Police Pull Over Man For Broken Headlight, Discover Trunk Filled With Human Remains

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MIAMI, Florida –

Frank Kerry, 40, was arrested and charged with murder after police pulled him over for a broken headlight on Sunday evening, only to discover the decomposing bodies of at least 3 people in the trunk of the vehicle.

“I pulled [the man] over for having a headlight out, which is pretty routine,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of Miami PD. “When I approached the vehicle, the man seemed very nervous, and there was an extremely foul odor coming from within the car. I asked Mr. Kerry to step out of the vehicle, and when he did, he ran for it. We caught him only about 50 yards away, and when he was tackled to the ground, he kept screaming ‘don’t look in the trunk!'”

When police did search the vehicle, they found the remains of at least 3 individuals, all disembowelled, beheaded, and cut into pieces. The entire trunk was filled with blood, and the bodies were in varying states of decomposition.

“If I’m being honest, it was the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” said Officer Goldsmith. “I wanted to vomit looking at the carnage. It was too much to handle.”

Police say that Kerry had a record that included armed robbery and criminal trespass, but nothing that would lead them to believe he was capable of a crime of this caliber.

“We are still investigating whether or not someone else may have been involved,” said Goldsmith. “The investigation is ongoing.”

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Faux Report

Police Pull Over Man For Broken Headlight, Discover Trunk Filled With Human Remains

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MIAMI, Florida –

Frank Kerry, 40, was arrested and charged with murder after police pulled him over for a broken headlight on Sunday evening, only to discover the decomposing bodies of at least 3 people in the trunk of the vehicle.

“I pulled [the man] over for having a headlight out, which is pretty routine,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of Miami PD. “When I approached the vehicle, the man seemed very nervous, and there was an extremely foul odor coming from within the car. I asked Mr. Kerry to step out of the vehicle, and when he did, he ran for it. We caught him only about 50 yards away, and when he was tackled to the ground, he kept screaming ‘don’t look in the trunk!'”

When police did search the vehicle, they found the remains of at least 3 individuals, all disembowelled, beheaded, and cut into pieces. The entire trunk was filled with blood, and the bodies were in varying states of decomposition.

“If I’m being honest, it was the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” said Officer Goldsmith. “I wanted to vomit looking at the carnage. It was too much to handle.”

Police say that Kerry had a record that included armed robbery and criminal trespass, but nothing that would lead them to believe he was capable of a crime of this caliber.

“We are still investigating whether or not someone else may have been involved,” said Goldsmith. “The investigation is ongoing.”

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Faux Report

Judge Releases Steven Avery From Prison After Realizing He’s Not Black

steven avery

MANITOWOC COUNTY, Wisconsin –

After looking over the case of Steven Avery, the man who spent 18 years in prison for a crime he didn’t commit before being exonerated and then re-arrested on separate murder charges, Judge Joe Goldsmith has said he will sign for the release of Avery, after determining that he was not, in fact, black.

“In is a grave miscarriage of justice when a man who is not a minority is treated with such loathe and disrespect by the American Judicial System and by police and government agencies,” said Judge Goldsmith. “When the case was brought to my attention, and the facts presented to me, I naturally assumed that he must be guilty, but that – based on harassment he’s received over the years from law enforcement – that he must also be black. Imagine my shock when I started watching Making a Murderer on Netflix, and discovered that Steven Avery is a white man.”

Goldsmith says that he plans to discuss the case with prosecutors in Manitowoc County, who may bring charges on local officers guilty of harassing a man who does not fit the “minority minimums” for legal and allowed police harassment.

“Steven Avery is way, way too white to be receiving such mistreatment, and as such, he will be released in the coming weeks with a full pardon,” said Avery’s law team. “We are extremely grateful for Judge Goldsmith’s swift hand of justice, and we look forward to the trials of police who are guilty of giving a white man a bum deal.”

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Faux Report

‘Zombie Man’ Bites Police Officer, Facing Life In Prison

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CINCINNATI, Ohio – 

John Thomer, 28, dressed as a zombie, was arrested outside the courthouse where a hearing was held for the man charged with violating zoning rules for his zombie nativity scene last month, Jasen Dixon. Thomer was initially arrested for growling into a megaphone and interrupting the Dixon’s trial.

Thomer’s sentence of three days in jail has now been extended indefinitely after assaulting one of the corrections officers in what he claims was a “joke gone wrong.” He is expected to be transferred from Hamilton Country Jail to Cincinnati State Penitentiary as soon as he is railroaded through the justice system by the DA, a subpar public defender, and a judge who will likely not see this as a good-natured joke.

Corrections Officer Royce Beaulac says, “That nutcase couldn’t behave himself for three days. Guess he really wanted an Ohio State Butt Rape special!”

Thomer explains: “It was a joke. A love-bite really. Some of the make-up I used wouldn’t come off. He’d been making fun of me, but jokingly ya know, so I playfully lunged at him, saying ‘Brains! In retrospect, I see that was a mistake, and it was obvious the officer had no brains whatsoever.”

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Faux Report

Man Petitions City to Earn Community Service Credits for Future Infractions

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CHICAGO, Illinois – 

Alen Jackson says he doesn’t plan to break laws intentionally, but he still gets hassled all the time by police and meter-maids because, according to Jackson, “I’m black and proud.”

Jackson has taken his annoyances about laws to the city, where he has proposed what he calls “earn credits.” With the credits, a person wouldn’t get ticketed or hassled for minor infractions, because they’ve earned up a sort of “goodwill” with the city.

“I really don’t mind volunteering for community service or that sort of thing if it meant that I would be able to cash in on it later,” said Jackson. “This would be a successful community outreach program, and I suggest it be implemented, because people who look a certain way are going to get hassled more. It’s just a fact we have to live with, and this would encourage the community to come together.”

Jackson has suggested going as far as pre-serving time. “I could just go in on the weekends, spend a little time, and not have to worry about a wrongful conviction based on my looks later on.”

Jackson has also offered an alternative plan in response to the police brutality and violence he has seen on Facebook. “I have no record of violent offenses, so I don’t want to be shot for no reason,” said Jackson. “There should be a way to advertise this to protect myself. It could be as simple as a microchip. It could send a signal that says, ‘hey, he’s black, but he’s not dangerous,’ and a lot of innocent lives would be saved.”

Chicago lawmakers say they are considering the measures suggested by Jackson.

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Faux Report

Police Officer Commended, Promoted For Killing Most Civilians In Calendar Year

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BALTIMORE, Maryland – 

Charles “Chuck” Jenner has been a Baltimore police officer for just over 5 years, but he says that 2015 has been the “best year of his life” after he was commended and promoted to lieutenant for shooting and killing the most unarmed civilians.

“You see, being a police officer is an extremely tiring and stressful job,” said Jenner in his speech at the police association’s annual Christmas party. “This year, I am so grateful to be honored for my efforts in ridding the streets of Baltimore of as many pieces of human trash possible. It is with great pleasure that I accept my award and promotion for the slaying of over 220 Baltimore dirtbags.”

Cheers erupting from the audience of officers and retired police force members could be heard from around the block, with many residents extremely upset by the police association’s actions.

“It would be one thing if he’d only shot and killed black people, but he also killed a couple white teens, too,” said Baltimore resident Jim Johnson. “I know they were gang bangers and whatever, but come on – they were white. He should have showed a little more tact in those cases. That said, though, ridding the streets of over 200 people? He deserves that commendation.”

“I for one am outraged that these police are out here, killing with no prejudice whatsoever,” said gang member Crypt Keeper Jay. “Yo, I mean, I gotta watch out for these pigs all the time, because they could just come up and shoot me, and that’s some bullshit. Even the white kids aren’t safe out here. It’s enough to make a motherfucker wanna go back to his job at McDonald’s.”

The next officer in line for a promotion, deputy Mark Rumford, killed only 130 people in the line of duty.

“Better luck next year, I guess,” said Rumford.

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