Tag Archives: Law

Faux Report

New State Laws Will Base Your Speeding Ticket on the Model of Your Car

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

As of January 1, 2018, if you are caught speeding, the amount of your fine will depend on the model of your vehicle, lawmakers say. The change will be used to help pay for more police, and more road repairs in nearly every state in the country.

“The more expensive the vehicle, the more expensive the fine will be,” said George Marks, R-Georgia, who sponsored the bill, which was passed by the House on September 21st. “If you can afford a $90,000 Tesla sports car, then your ticket is going to be a lot higher than the tool driving the beat up Mazda.”

For photographs taken by radar, an auto expert will determine the model of the car, motorcycle, or truck. The cheapest vehicles will be fined lightly, whereas high-end vehicles will face much heavier fines.

This measure acknowledges the inequality between those “who can afford” to pay the fines and those who “suffer” under the repressive system. Thus, the wallets of the most well-to-do will be hit just as hard as those of the most humble.

The measure promises to reduce delinquency on the road by the wealthy, thus eliminating the feeling of impunity shared among more and more drivers.

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Faux Report

NFL Players Put In Protective Custody After Man Threatens To ‘Kill All Those Kneeling Sons of Bi*ches’

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

More than 40 NFL players from 8 different teams have been put into protective custody after the commission received an anonymous threat stating a planned attack against people who took a knee during the National Anthem. The threat, which was received via mail, has been confirmed as genuine by the FBI.

“We have received information that demanded our immediate attention and action, and we have worked quickly to protect key targets in the NFL,” said FBI spokesman Carl Lore. “We have determined that the threat is real, and that we needed to place 43 of the players into protective custody, along with their immediate families.”

For their safety, the players and teams were not mentioned specifically, but it won’t be long before fans start to find out who is missing.

“Unfortunately, many of these players have upcoming games, and they will not be able to play,” said Lore. “We have worked very closely with the NFL on this, and they have been very cooperative in providing their full assistance.”

There was no official comment from the NFL at the time of this writing.

 

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Faux Report

Maine Becomes the First State to Legalize Ecstasy

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AUGUSTA, Maine – 

Maine has been in the news all year for legalizing marijuana for recreational use, and apparently legalizing weed was only the beginning. Following on the heels of the wave of marijuana legalization, some might be surprised to hear that Maine state legislature has decided to legalize the popular street drug Ecstasy. Recreational use of will become fully legal in the state by the end of this year.

The decision was met with controversy but “no more or less than the original decision to legalize marijuana,” Governor Paul LePage stated.

The state is still working out some guidelines and ground rules for suppliers, such as purity levels, permits, and health code requirements. While LePage says the vote was popular among a lot of people in the state, his decision came as a shock for many Mainers. Governor LePage did not comment on whether or not he partakes in the drug himself.

“By legalizing, monitoring, and taxing ecstasy, we will not only cut down on inmates and care costs, it will also open up a whole new job market,” LePage explains. “It’s a good situation all around, especially for taxpayers.”

Some of the most outspoken opponents, however, have been current drug dealers.

“Making it legal is a terrible idea,” a dealer, who chose to remain anonymous, told Empire News. “We don’t want regulated. We’re killing it stacking paper right now, but regular guys like me won’t be able to keep up with all the government regulations. This is gonna put me out of a job!”

Despite the negative press, experts estimate this legalization will drop the state’s debt by as much as 50% in the first year. This may translate into tax cuts, more public projects, better road maintenance, and possibly even government rehabilitation programs for more dangerous drugs like cigarettes.

“If they want people to not buy drugs legally, then for crying out loud they should shut down every Starbucks in the United States,”said LePage. “Marijuana, ecstasy, crack…hell, what’s the difference? The revenue the state will bring in, it’s astronomical. Health is one thing, but we’re talking about money here.”

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Faux Report

Police On The Hunt For ‘Scary Clown’ That Was Filmed Killing Young Girl

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NEW ENGLAND – 

Police are hunting for a person who murdered a young girl while dressed as a “scary carnival clown,” and left her body in the woods.

State Police in Maine say that they believe that the “clown” lured the girl to the woods, and set up a camera to film the pre-planned murder. A recording was then anonymously delivered to a police station in Maine, which lead officials to the crime scene.

“This clown is still on the loose, and we do not know where they might be,” said State Police Chief Mario Richards. “We have expanded our search from Northern Maine all the way to Massachusetts. Unfortunately, we do not know who we may be looking for, as the person’s features are completely obscured by clown make-up.”

Police believe that the clown may have murdered at least 4 other people in the same area, as other crimes under investigation have similar patterns, including greasepaint being found on the victims. The latest victim was a young girl, aged 16-19. They have not yet identified the girl, and are currently seeking help from the public.

“This clown is extremely dangerous, as all clowns normally are,” said Chief Richards. “If you see this, or any other clown, please remove yourself from the area and call 911 immediately. This clown has been known to use a knife in its attacks, as well as a sickle. We are unsure if the clown is male or female.”

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Faux Report

Charles Manson Reportedly Found Dead in Prison

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KINGS COUNTY, California – 

Famed cult leader Charles Manson, who is serving a life sentence for his role in the Manson Family murders in the 1960s, reportedly stumbled across a cell with 3 prisoners who were all deceased. Manson said he was doing his janitorial rounds when he found the dead bodies.

“Mr. Manson is a model prisoner who loves to work around the yard and cells, cleaning and mopping,” said warden Miles Richard. “On Friday, though, Mr. Manson reportedly found dead bodies in section A-4. The names of the deceased have not yet been released, pending an investigation and notice to family.”

“It was really kind of disturbing finding not just one, but several people dead like that,” said Manson. “I have never actually seen a dead body before. Even all those years ago, I wasn’t anywhere near the house when everyone was killed. It didn’t have anything to do with me. It’s really kind of gross, and rather unnerving to see.”

Manon, who is 82-years-old, is reportedly “doing just fine,” according to prison doctors, and may very well live to be “over 100 years old.”

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Faux Report

Ex-Subway Spokesman Jared Fogle Says He Has Been Raped ‘Over 600 Times’ So Far in Prison

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Jared Fogle, the disgraced former pitchman for Subway, who is serving a 15-year sentence for molesting teenagers, says that he has been raped ‘over 600 times’ while in federal prison.

“Oh man, it’s really just the worst time,” said Fogle in an interview with WGHR, Atlanta. “At first the other guys just kind of roughed me up a bit, but over time, the assaults became sexual. Since my first day in prison, I’ve been raped well over 600 times.”

Prison officials who were asked about the possibility of that many assaults, seemed unconcerned.

“Yeah, it’s definitely possible, for sure,” said Prison Warden Mario Miller. “I mean, when a pedo comes into prison, he has to watch his ass – literally, I might add. These guys, they’re murderers and violent criminals, for sure. But the one thing none of them takes kindly to is a kiddie-diddler. So yeah, it’s likely he’s been beaten and raped many, many times.”

Fogle was given 15.6 years in prison, and federal penitentiaries normally release with about 85% of time served, which means Fogle will likely be in prison until 2029.

“By the time he gets out, it’s very likely that Jared Fogle will have gotten raped well over 10,000 times,” said Miller. “Frankly, there’s just not much we can do about it. Our guards are not going to endanger their lives for a guy like Fogle. At this point, he should be used to all those foot-longs, don’t you think. Oh, yeah, I guess we have some six-inchers in here, too.”

 

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Faux Report

OJ Simpson’s Parole Was Just PULLED After Prison Guards Find This DISTURBING Item In His Cell

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LOVELOCK, Nevada – 

O.J. Simpson was granted parole this morning in a unanimous vote at Lovelock Prison in Nevada, but in an emergency session, Simpson’s parole was just pulled after police reportedly found a hit list in his cell.

The notebook, which was hidden under a loose piece of tile in Simpson’s cell, was reportedly titled “People I’d kill if I ever get out of Prison,” and listed people like Judge Glass, who sentenced Simpson to 33 years in prison for his role in the armed robbery that got him arrested.

Other names on the list included Joe Biden, Robin Williams, and Carl Sagan.

“Some of the names were slightly outdated, and had been scratched out, like Robin Williams,” said prison warden Gus Varney. “Still, we cannot take any chances that this list, which was very well detailed with how the crimes would be committed, is just fiction or fantasy.”

Simpson says that the “hit list” was nothing more than stories, much like his book that was published detailing the murder of Nicole Simpson, titled If I Did It. 

“I wrote that book, and it was just a joke. Like, you know, if I killed Nicole, you know, how it might have happened, but it was still just a story,” said Simpson. “This is the same thing. Man, when you’ve been in prison for nearly a decade, you have to do something to keep your mind occupied. Me, I write murder stories. Why would I ever want to kill Robin Williams for real? The man is a treasure.”

Simpson was depressed to find out that Robin Williams had already died after committing suicide a few years ago. Simpson’s next parole hearing will be in 2022.

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Faux Report

3-Month-Old Baby Arrested For Breaking Priceless Artifact at History Museum

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A 3-month-old baby has been taken into custody in Boston after he broke a priceless vase at the Natural History Museum on Tuesday.

Police say the baby, who has in a stroller being pushed by his mother, reached out and knocked over a 4-foot tall vase, which instantly shattered when it hit the floor.

“We tried endlessly for over 15 hours to put everything back together, but we could not,” said H.T. Dumpty, the museum curator. “This piece was worth well over $600 million dollars. It was practically priceless, and a one of a kind piece from the Ming dynasty. There are no others like it, and we are extremely frustrated with this baby for ruining something so precious and valuable.”

The baby’s mother, Francine Thompson, said she was “appalled” that her son would do such a thing.

“I was pushing him along, and looking at all the beautiful pieces. I wheeled little Joey right up near the vase, and pointed to it and was reading him the card telling about its history, when all of a sudden he reached out and pushed it over. It smashed everywhere, and he just laughed and laughed. I was in shock,” said Thompson. “I hope they throw the book at him, and give him as long as possible.”

The baby is one of the youngest people ever arrested. He is being charged with felony destruction of property and felony trespassing. If convicted, he could receive up to 20 years in prison.

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Faux Report

Mom on Welfare Sues School After Being Told Her Daughter Can Only Get ONE Free Lunch a Day

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BANGOR, Maine – 

Mary Lambert is suing her daughter’s school, Bangor High School in Bangor, Maine, after a cafeteria woman made her cry by explaining she could only have “one free lunch” a day.

Amanda Lambert, 16, gets free lunch at the school due to her mother’s income, but the rules stipulate that she can only have one free meal a day.

“It’s unheard of that Amanda should not be allowed to eat as much as she wants,” said Mary Lambert, 50. “She’s a growing girl, and she needs nutrients. I’m not able to afford good food at home, and the school should be letting her pig out while she’s there. They know I’m poor, that’s why she gets free lunch. Why are they stopping her from eating.”

The school says that it doesn’t matter who the student is, they are on a budget, and students only get one meal a day.

“I understand that Amanda is fat,” said Bangor principal Joyce Mellows. “Like, abnormally fat for a 16-year-old. Perhaps she should be going outside for a walk at lunch, instead of trying to feed her fatty fat fat fat face with extra lunches. Other kids want to eat, too.”

Lambert brought a suit against the school alleging discrimination for not allowing Amanda to eat as much food as she wanted, stating it was because Amanda’s family was “too poor” to afford food that they were being denied food all together.

A lawyer for the school said the case is “stupid,” and something that “only a truly fat individual” could ever come up with.

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Faux Report

Death Row Inmate Requests Human Cadaver As Final Meal Before Execution

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BALTIMORE, Maryland – 

A death row inmate, 39-year-old Bryan Bryant, who was found guilty of murdering 18 people in the early 2000s, reportedly requested to have a “human cadaver” as his last meal. Maryland law dictates that an inmate can ask for anything they would like to eat, and it will be served. The law does not get specific enough to say that the item must be a “normal” food item, or create provisions that would not allow certain things to be requested.

“Mr. Bryant requested to eat an entire human as his final meal before execution, and the Maryland Board of Prisons was able to prepare his request for him,” said warden Joel Higgins. “It was an odd request, for sure, and we had several protestors who said it was not a ‘good use’ for a body that was donated to science, but in the end, Mr. Bryant’s rights and wishes were not impeded.”

According to Higgins, they procured a recently deceased 47-year-old female, who died of a heroin overdose. Her name was not released to protect her family from embarrassment. Bryant was executed on Friday via lethal injection.

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Faux Report

U.S. Government To Officially Recognize 287 Genders As Part of New Anti-Discrimination Laws

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to current laws, there are only two official “genders” that are legally protected in anti-discrimination laws – male and female. It would be illegal to stop a man from working at Victoria Secret, no matter how weird it would be, for example. It’s a legally protected right. That might be the most basic of the current rulings, but things are about to get a whole lot more complicated.

According to lawmakers, new anti-discrimination laws are currently being written, with the U.S. Government planning to add an additional 285 genders to their list, including “binary,” “non-binary,” “gender fluid,” “gender queer,” and many more. This is in a full attempt to make sure that everyone is included.

“We just want to make sure that everyone, no matter how stupid their personal choice, is equally protected and represented by our laws and government,” said representative John Miller, R – Delaware. “I personally think it’s retarded, but hey, what do I know? I figure whatever is between your legs right now, that’s your gender. But a lot of little pansies are getting offended and triggered by that, so we have to make changes. My 16-year-old daughter now she identifies a genderless, binary, queeratron mecharobot, but with slightly gay tendencies and a hardcore drug problem. Fuck does that even mean? That’s not a gender.”

Whether or not the people in charge of making the laws agree with them, at least they are making progress.

“Yeah, we’re doing our best. My daughter’s stupid unicorn robot fucking…shit, I’ve already forgotten. Whatever, that isn’t being included specifically, but at least we’re making strides, I guess,” said Miller. “God, this is so stupid. She’s a girl, and I’ll beat that notion right into her later.”

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Faux Report

Congress To Enact Laws Forcing Everyone To Carry Life Insurance

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The government has already been forcing American citizens to carry a form of health insurance, despite rising costs and crippling debt that we’re all faced with. Now, Congress plans to enact a new law that would also force everyone to have a life insurance policy.

“This is really and truly for the benefit of the people, and will only help in the long run,” said Congressman Bill Knowles. “People are dying every single day, and no one can afford to bury them. They can’t afford the funeral costs, and they can’t afford the bills left behind. By forcing everyone to have life plans, it will alleviate a lot of headaches.”

The life insurance companies say they are “thrilled” by this news, as many of them had seen a drastic decrease in sign-ups over the last several years.

“We haven’t signed anyone up for a life plan in about 6 weeks,” said Raymond Booth, owner of a small life insurance company in Idaho. “We partner with some big names, but I just can’t get anyone interested. No one wants to think about dying, and they don’t care what kind of mess they leave behind for their family. Thanks to this bill, though, I’m going to be rolling in it very soon!”

The bill is set to be voted on after winter break, when Congress resumes on January 20th.

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Symphony

Encore of Revival: America, November 21, 2016

Liberal leaders’ ill preparation of their voters should be cause enough for suspicion. Ongoing disappointment is one of the best-kept secret evils of the two-party system. If Liberal leaders truly cared so much for their voters as their never ending empathy implies, they would have made sure that Liberal voters were ready for the inevitable losses associated with bipolar politics. But, they didn’t. Why?

Ill preparation from Liberal leaders isn’t the biggest cause for question.

The Republican compromisers in Congress over-reached. For decades, they have condescended and lectured their voters on “why having a majority means they must lose”. They didn’t seem to realize that, while Left-wing voters were sissified and setup for dismay this past election, Right-wing voters were strengthened and beat into confidence. As Tolkein writes of Morgoth, “his cunning overreached his aim; his words touched too deep, and awoke a fire more fierce than he designed.” Had the Republican Congress not passed so many Liberal laws on the Bush agenda–stiff FDA rules, the added bureaucracy of DHS, Common Core and centralized education, the Patriot Act, to name a few–the Religious Right would have gladly accepted his brother as the likely-to-lose nominee.

But, this raises the deeper question that Liberal voters also are just now considering: Why do Republican politicians, ostensibly controlled by so-called “Big Wall St. Money”, vote for Liberal ideas against the will of their voters? Wouldn’t that indicate that the so-called “Big Wall St. Money” wants Liberal things to happen? Given the evidence in plain sight, Liberal voters have every reason to question their own political talking points because those points all agree with “Big Wall St. Money”. It’s only a matter of time before they finish mourning their first failure and realize what they already knew.

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Faux Report

Kanye West Sues Donald Trump For Calling Himself ‘Greatest’ Candidate

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Kanye West has reportedly filed a lawsuit against Donald Trump, because Trump referred to himself as “the greatest” presidential candidate of all time. West says that is infringing on his own “best” ranking.

“Everyone knows that I’m the greatest candidate, and by Donald Trump saying that he is, it tarnished my brand,” said West, who has filed the suit in Las Vegas, where he has multiple homes. “Based on his words, he has cost me money, and for that, he’s gotta pay. He’s gotta realize that you can’t just go around making claims.”

The suit, which West says is worth around $20 million, has been called “frivolous” and “completely fucking stupid” by Trump’s lawyers.

“We have reminded Mr. West that he is not, in fact, a presidential candidate, so it would be impossible for him to be the best,” said a lawyer for Trump. “As it turns out, he doesn’t really care about logic, he’s entirely driven by ego. We’ll look forward to seeing him in court.”

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