Tag Archives: Health/Fitness

Faux Report

57-Year-Old Virgin Sues His Former Middle School For Teaching Abstinence

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HUNTSVILLE, Alabama – 

James Holmes, 57, has filed a lawsuit against his former middle school for teaching him abstinence, as he said that they taught him that he would “burn in hell” if he ever had sex, or even masturbated.

From World News Daily Report:

Holmes says the sexual education he received at the Jemison High School was “traumatizing” and has caused him some severe psychological problems.

In an interview with ABC, he described the content of the sexual education classes which he says caused his psychological trauma.

“They taught us that God would smite us if we masturbated and that we would burn in Hell for eternity if we had sex before marriage. They showed us pictures of genitals infected with STDs and told us it was what God did to adulterers.”

These classes had such an impact on Mr. Holmes that whenever he thinks about sex, even today, he suffers from a severe panic attack.

“I’m 47-year old and I’m still a virgin. Every time I think of sex I remember these purulent genitals, so I start panicking, sweating and even vomiting.” 

In 2012, he was diagnosed with a Sexual aversion disorder (SAD), a disorder characterized by disgust, fear, revulsion, or lack of desire in consensual relationships involving genital contact.

This type of psychological disorder is usually caused by some traumatic event which causes sex to be associated with a painful experience.

He had to undergo years of psychotherapy and is still heavily medicated, that’s why he demanding almost half a million dollars from his former school.

Holmes’ lawyer says that he believes that the case is a “slam dunk.” Holmes claims that the first thing he plans to do after receiving his winnings is to pay a “lady of the night” to finally take his virginity, but he hopes that he can find a nice one so that afterwards he can settle down.

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Faux Report

Deadly New Disease Is Being Called ‘Super AIDS,’ And Is Killing People at a Rapid Rate

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The CDC is warning of a deadly new disease, dubbed on the streets as Super AIDs, which is killing people at an extreme rate. So far, there have been more than 2800 deaths through the United States, and thus far, doctors and researchers are stumped on a possible cure.

How the disease is contracted is yet unknown, but it causes extreme loss of motor functions, as well as skin blistering and swelling. People have also been noted to lose their teeth and show severe gum rot. Hair and fingernails have also been seen to begin to fall out.

“This disease is the most disturbing thing I’ve seen in my entire 47 years as a doctor,” said Dr. Kyle Chandler, a medical researcher at the Center For Disease Control in Washington, D.C. “We have no idea how to treat this illness, and we don’t know what’s causing it. The people come from all walks of life, and there doesn’t seem to be any connection between their living situations or lifestyles. We’re working diligently, but we’re at a loss.”

The CDC warns that if you begin to exhibit any of the signs of the disease, to see a medical professional immediately.

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Faux Report

New ‘Super Bacteria’ Strain Has Caused Over 600 Deaths This Month – You Need to STOP Washing Your Hands in Public Restrooms

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

We’ve all heard before how over-washing or over sanitizing your hands can be bad, because it can cause bacteria and germs to mutate, and become harder to kill. Well, it turns out that wasn’t just another old wive’s tale.

Researchers at Harvard Medical College in Boston have discovered a new strain of “super bacteria” that has already claimed the lives of over 600 people, all because those people had a weakened immune system from over-washing and over sanitizing their hands.

“We tested 480 of the 600 people assumed to have died from this ‘super microbial bacteria,'” said research head Dr. Charles Marvin. “All of the tested subjects proved positive for this new strain. With this much strong evidence, we can conclude that over 600 people have died from this new bug. At this time, we don’t believe there would be a way to vaccinate from, or cure this disease.”

Dr. Marvin is recommending that people stop washing their hands with soap or sanitizing when in public buildings and restrooms.

“Unless you’ve straight pooped on your hands, then don’t worry about washing, it’s really not that big of a deal,” said Dr. Marvin. “And even then, consider maybe just wiping off the poop with a towel if that does happen, for some reason.”

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Faux Report

Healthcare Plans in Marketplace Set To Triple on January 1st

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

If you’re having a hard time affording your healthcare through the government’s Affordable Care Act marketplace now, then on January 1st, you might have to take out a second, or even a third, job to afford it.

According to reports, the marketplace healthcare costs are going to triple for most plans, with the average cost of a standard family plan hitting $2200 a week.

“These increased costs are happening, essentially, because of the freeloaders on government programs,” said Martin Long, director of the ACA Marketplace. “There’s a lot of people who think that they can get something for nothing, but that’s obviously not the case. Someone has to pay for it. And those people are, well, everyone else who actually does pay for their healthcare.”

The current pricing model already starts high for anyone who is offered healthcare through their employer.

“I can’t afford the healthcare offered through my work,” said Robert Thomas of New Hampshire. “It’s about $800 a month for my family at the cheapest option. That’s literally one of my paychecks, gone, each month. And I only get two checks! Because my work offers healthcare, even though I can’t afford it, I’m forced to get the gold level program through the ACA. And you know what that costs? Yup, about $800 a month. Frankly, it’s stupid.”

When told that the cost for his family’s insurance would be going from $800 a month to nearly $2100 for the same coverage, Thomas only had one thing to say.

“Thanks, Trump,” said Thomas.

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Faux Report

The FDA and CDC Just CONFIRMED That Vaccines Cause Autism

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

There’s widespread and growing lack of confidence in the safety of vaccines. If you know anyone who still believes that vaccines can’t cause autism, you might want to show them this article. Take a look at the DTaP vaccine insert:

dtap-autism-insert

These reports come directly from the FDA website, where they have had it posted for several years, although it was “buried” under a lot of links and other research that obscured the actual research.

“This has been a problem for many, many years, and I’m glad it’s finally coming to light,” said Dr. Mario Garcia, who was one of the first to find the correlation between vaccines and autism. “I was shut out for years from being able to talk about this, but now that others are finding out, I am very grateful. Please, do not vaccinate your children.”

 

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Faux Report

President Trump Just Raised The Age Limit For Cigarettes and Tobacco to 25

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The US government has announced that they are raising the age of consumption for cigarettes and tobacco products to 25 years old, due to the increasing health dangers of tobacco.  The cost of healthcare to treat the illnesses caused by tobacco was $187 billion in 2016.

 

“Cigarettes contain over 7000 chemicals and compounds. Hundreds of these are toxic, and at least 69 are cancer-causing,” said President Trump in a statement on the new law. “We are also currently considering adding an additional $12.50 tax to the price of a pack of cigarettes. As they say: A vote for raising the cigarette tax, as well as raising the age of consumption, is a vote against cancer.”

Most states will be required to increase their tobacco tax, because they expect the sales of cigarettes to dramatically decrease when raising the legal age of consumption to 25.

Citizens for Tobacco Rights, a group which champions the right for adults to smoke, say they are not happy about this new law,  which is set to take effect in January.

“If Congress gives the president what he wants, federal excise taxes will have increased almost ten-fold in just over a decade,” says the tobacco rights website. “The president’s tax increase will take the average price per pack up to $7.85, and put more than 70% of the price you pay for cigarettes into government pockets.”

When raising the legal age of tobacco consumption to 25, you can expect more black-market sales of cigarettes as well as arrests for underage purchases. Activists say this law will only add to the problem.

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Faux Report

8-Month-Old Baby Gets Pregnant After Getting Routine Vaccine

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MONMOUTH, Maryland

An 8-month-old baby was recently discovered to be pregnant, after being hospitalized only a few hours after receiving a routine MMR vaccine.

The baby, whose name is being withheld for privacy reasons, was slightly behind in her 6-month shots for MMR, and after taking ill, the mother brought the baby to a local hospital.

“After conducting a battery of tests, we concluded that the baby girl was, in fact, pregnant,” said Dr. Martin Klein of Monmouth Regional Hospital. “This is the first time I have ever seen anything like this, and frankly, I’m completely stunned as to how this could have happened.”

The mother of the child, Mary, said that she is “dumbfounded” about this, but that she knew that there was a reason that so many people were becoming anti-vaxx lately.

“This movement of people not vaccinating their children, I always thought it was just because no one wants a retard baby, but this is just way worse than I thought,” said Mary. “I only wanted to raise one baby, and thanks to vaccines, now I have to raise two? How am I going to do that on a waitress’ salary? This is crazy. My husband is going to FLIP OUT.”

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Faux Report

New ‘Super Ecstasy’ Has Hit The Streets; Police Warn It Could End Up In Your Kids’ Halloween Bag

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Police throughout California have issued a warning to parents about a new “super ecstasy,” which has hit the streets throughout most of the West Coast. This high-powered drug comes in the shapes of teddy bears or other animals, and resembles a candy or a vitamin.

A warning was issued first by Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department after 11 children overdosed on the drug, 3 of whom later died from the dangerous toxins in the drugs.

“Parents should be advised that dealers are hanging out near schools, and giving these teddies to children, but they are not candy, and are, in fact, extremely dangerous. If you see these ecstasy bears, please call the sheriff’s department or 911 immediately.”

According to police, the ecstasy is “supercharged,” in that it will hit the system of someone who has taken it nearly 20 times faster than regular, or “traditional” ecstasy, thus causing the person to go into an almost immediate shock.

“Frankly, we don’t know why anyone would make these at all, because the whole point of taking drugs is to get high, enjoy it, and then want to get more drugs,” said Officer Mark Ruben of the LA County Sheriff’s Department. “Killing your clients is kind of useless. At any rate, they’re pretty dangerous, so maybe keep an eye on what your kids are doing, and we’re only a month away from Halloween, so check their bags two or three times before you let them dive in. You never know.”

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Faux Report

Donald Trump Undergoes Cosmetic Surgery To Remove ‘Pussy Neck’

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump has apparently undergone cosmetic surgery to remove what is affectionately known as his “pussy neck,” because the flappy, old man folds under his chin form into an uncanny resemblance of a woman’s vagina.

“The President is actually extremely self-conscious, as you can well imagine, and he has seen the jokes, the memes, and he doesn’t like them,” said a White House representative. “President Trump has scheduled a surgery to remove the extra skin around his neck, and get an overall face lift.”

President Trump said that he is “very excited” to have the procedure completed, and that it wouldn’t cost the taxpayers “very much at all.”

“I, for one, think that he should keep his floppy twat neck skin,” said Vice President Mike Pence. “Every time I look at him right now, I’m always ‘Thinkin’ Arby’s.’ I don’t really want that to change, but I guess what’s good for him is good for us all.”

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Faux Report

World Health Organization Admits Over 50,000 People Accidentally Injected with Ebola Virus Instead of Flu Vaccine

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Over 50,000 people throughout the United States are on high alert this week after flu vaccines were contaminated with the Ebola virus and accidentally sent out to clinics throughout the country.

Recipients had lined up for flu vaccinations in 10 different states across the country, including California, Nevada, Arizona, Texas, Georgia, Florida, Michigan, New York, Minnesota, and Illinois.

According to a report filed at the World Health Organization, the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID) accidentally exchanged the synthetic flu vaccine for vials that contained an experimental compound of the Ebola virus. This compound contaminated nearly 50,000 doses of various vaccines, most of which were sent across the country to be used in low income clinics.

These vaccines were distributed throughout August of 2017, although the NIAID says they are not 100% sure which clinics received the “infected” doses, and that at this point in time, it’s entirely likely that all of them have been used and given to patients.

The WHO has been reaching out to people that have possibly been infected, demanding mandatory  quarantines at local FEMA camps. However, the WHO has been unavailable for comment. No specific treatment is available for Ebola infections, and the case fatality rate ranges from 80% to 100%, depending on the virus subtype.

 

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Faux Report

Doctor Confirms That He Has Found a Cure For AIDS – But There’s a Slight Catch

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A researcher at the prestigious Harvard School of Medicine has found a cure for HIV and AIDS – something that doctors have been working on for nearly 40 years.

“It’s actually really simple,” said Dr. Marvin Hoek, who has been working on the project for over a decade. “The answer was right under our nose the whole time, and we have found a way to completely eradicate AIDS and HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, in people.”

Dr. Hoek says that he began clinical trials in 2008, and stumbled across the cure in 2015.

“I have been working since that time to find a cure for what the AIDS cure causes, which is cancer.

According to Dr. Hoek, he says that in the over 10,000 cases of AIDS that he has eradicated, every single one of the patients ended up contracting cancer, and dying anyway.

“It’s really kind of a win-lose situation at this point in time, but we’re still working on the kinks right now,” said Dr. Hoek.

Hoek plans to publish the full scope of his work in the January 2018 Journal of Independent Medicine.

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Faux Report

Coca-Cola’s ‘Coke Zero’ Product Is Discontinued, Replaced With ‘Coke +Diabetes’

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Coca-Cola has announced that they are doing away with their line of products under the “Coke Zero” brand, and are instead going to focus on “what the American people really want,” which is to get as fat and be as unhealthy as possible.

“The problem with Coke Zero, is that – although not traditionally ‘healthy,’ it was by far one of the most healthy items we had on our list of products,” said Coca-Cola president Mark Zimmer. “It sold so infrequently, that we spent years in the red on that one product. It just isn’t working. Meanwhile, sales of our flagship Coca-Cola have skyrocketed. People just aren’t doing diet or zero calorie items anymore. They want all the flavor, and they want all the sugar. Thus, Coke +Diabetes was born.”

Zimmer says that Coke +Diabetes has 16 times the normal amount of sugar found in a standard Coca-Cola, and will have more sugar than any other drink on the market once it hits shelves this October.

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Faux Report

Family Sues Life Savers Company For False Advertising After Man Contracts Diabetes, Dies

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A family in Massachusetts is suing Mars Inc over the false advertising of their Life Savers brand of candy after a man who was obsessed with their Wint-O-Green hard candies contracted diabetes and later died.

“You cannot call your product a ‘life saver’ if it can kill you,” said Martha Roberts, 53, whose husband, Carl, died after becoming obsessed the candies. “Carl would be turning 58 tomorrow, except these candies killed him, and it’s not right.”

According to the lawsuit, Roberts contends that her husband thought that Life Savers were a “healthy food,” because they were called Life Savers. He would usually eat 4 or 5 large bags of the individually wrapped candies a day for months at a time.

“He was obsessed with them, and we thought he was doing okay. They’re really low calorie, and he did lose some weight because he was only eating Life Savers,” said Roberts. “Then he passed out one day, and we rushed him to the ER. The doctors said his blood sugar was over 1,000, and he was in a diabetic coma. He died later that night. I’m still devastated, the whole family is.”

Mars Inc had no comment on the lawsuit. A lawyer for the company said they would be “looking into” the claims.

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Faux Report

New Breed of Tick Has a Bite That Will Make You Allergic To Vegetables

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SHELTON, West Virginia – 

A new breed of wood tick has been discovered in West Virginia, and is causing a panic among vegetarians and vegans. Along side the “reverse zombie” or “lone star” tick, which has been confirmed to trigger a red meat allergy in those bitten by the little assholes, the new “hippie tick” will make you allergic to vegetables.

“All vegetarians, vegans, and general vegetable lovers need to know about this tick,” said USDA spokesman Carl Richards. “The Reverse Zombie tick is horrible for all of us people who eat real food, like steak and cheeseburgers, but now the Hippie Tick, as we’ve come to call it, is out there – and it’s really screwing up things for all those pussy vegans.”

The Hippie Tick, which is actually known as the Ixodida Aracnodia, is small and brownish-red, like many ticks. They live in large, green grassy areas, and are especially fond of moist or wet areas – both in nature and on your body.

“Always check everywhere on your body for these little guys,” said Richards. “They’re known to be found in ear cavities, under armpits or breasts, and in rectums or vaginal cavities. They love hot, wet, smelly areas.”

So far, there are no vaccinations against the bites of either the Reverse Zombie or Hippie Tick, and neither disease is curable once contracted.

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