Faux Report

Loni Jane Anthony Plans On Having A Second Baby, Keeping It On Extreme Diet

anthony

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Loni Jane Anthony, the woman who was criticized for her extreme 80/10/10 vegan diet, says she plans to have another child to replace her first born, who has developed a taste for meat.

After living a life filled with booze and bad food choices, Anderson adapted a “healthy diet,” created by Dr. Douglas Graham, of 80% fruits and vegetables, 10% protein, and 10% fat. She received criticism from many on the internet who said she did not eat enough fat and protein during her first pregnancy. Thankfully, her growing baby sucked all the minerals and fats it needed from her brain and bones, and little Rowdy came out happy and healthy.

Anthony, who said at first she would raise her baby as vegan, and respect the choices he made later in life, has now reportedly gone back on her word. She announced on her Twitter page that she is planning on having another baby to replace ‘the bad apple,’ who is now three years old.

“Rowdy begs and cries for Happy Meals, T-bone steaks, and bison burgers. I am not raising my child on meat!” said Anthony. “It was bad enough he insisted on so much breast milk as a baby. Breast milk is dairy! Dairy is fat! We made him so many delicious smoothies, and all he wanted was milk. Now that he’s older, he wants cheeseburgers! I won’t have it. I’m disowning him, and starting over. I plan to create a baby race of healthy dieters.”

Many followers of Anthony claim that she is probably only doing this for the publicity, as her Instagram and Twitter shots have been sluggish and boring, and getting less likes and shares lately.

“She’s losing steam, I tell you, and the diet clearly isn’t working as well, if you know what I mean,” said Instagram user FollowMeForLikes. “She’s just drumming up interest in her stupid diet again. If you ask me, that 10% fat is going straight to her ass.”

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Faux Report

Pubic Hair Growing, Styling Becomes Latest Trend Among Hollywood Celebrities

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Bush is back in a big way, although not so much when it comes to Presidential candidates. This bush, though, proves everything comes back in style – even pubic hair.

Fashionista Stella Stennett says she heard about the trend from her gay best friend. “My New Year’s resolution is to be more fashion forward, so I went right out and got a weave. I told all the girls at the salon, ‘Don’t get Brazilian. You’ll regret it!” said Stennett. “I am going to get so much dick in 2016.”

Adriano Mondolo, a fashion designer in Los Angeles, says to expect 2016 fashions to accentuate the pubic region. “Forget the bikini waxes, girls. It’s going to be all about glamming out that lady garden. Style it, shape it, dye it, bedazzle it, girlfriend!”

Many celebrities, including Jennifer Lawrence, Betty White, Megan Fox, and Chris Pratt, say that they have all let their pubes grow back after keeping their area clean for years. According to Fox, she’s even dyed hers a bright pink, so as to be more noticeable in certain outfits.

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Faux Report

Academy Plans To Expand Oscar Ceremony To 10 Hours In 2016

Academy Standing Strong Behind Nominating 'Old White Men' For Oscars

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

If you’ve been waiting patiently for 2016 so you can watch your favorite films win an Oscar in the ceremony, you best be prepared to settle in for a long night.

According to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, the group behind the Oscars, they have expanded the length of the telecast and ceremony from approximately 3 hours to over 10.

“The problem is, we have a lot of awards that we like to give away, and we have a lot of long-winded speeches that we normally have to cut off,” said Academy president Joel Mitchell. “This year, we decided that we didn’t want to cut down any time at all. What you will watch will be exactly what they see in the audience, and even better, no one will have to have their speech time cut down.”

“This is incredible, really, to me,” said previous Oscar winner Quentin Tarantino. “As people know, I like to talk, and when I won my Oscar, I would have loved to give more unnecessary opinions on things that don’t matter, and now, going forward, whoever wins will also have that opportunity. It’s really fantastic. I hope I’m nominated again this year. Even more, I hope I win!”

The Academy also says that they will be upping the nominees for best picture from 10 to 40.

“It may make it more difficult for people to decide, but in the end, this is really just a way for Hollywood to jerk itself off for one night each year,” said Mitchell.

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Faux Report

Weatherman Commits Suicide, Blames Depression On Weather Forecasting

weatherman

BANGOR, Maine –

WABZ Channel 13 in Maine will open a listing for a new meteorologist this week, as seasoned vet Ray Buckley has reportedly  committed suicide. While many would think the holidays had gotten him down, as happens with many people each year, it was, in fact, the unpredictable nature of the weather, and the high expectations people place on weather forecasters.

In Buckley’s suicide note he describes the futility of weather prediction.

“It’s a chaotic system, ruled by nonlinear dynamics. You work the differential equations, hoping you’ve input the right data, but soon a ‘trace to 2 inches’ of snow becomes 6-8 inches. God Himself couldn’t predict the damn weather. Then they call you out on it. ‘Thought it was supposed to be sunny this weekend, Ray? Your prediction ruined my picnic!’ I’ve reached my limit. A man can only be told he has an ‘asshole face’ so many times by people who don’t know him before he breaks.”

WABZ says they will have no problem filling the position. Inside sources say Buckley’s performance was less than perky as of late, and they were already looking for a replacement.

 

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Faux Report

‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Becomes First Film To Make $100 Billion Dollars At Box Office

star wars

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Star Wars fever has hit the world hard, after the latest installment, The Force Awakens, has crossed the $100 billion dollar mark in worldwide grosses, blowing away the previous box office champ, Avatar, which grossed only about $2.5 billion.

“Honestly, I’m shocked that the movie did so well,” said the director, JJ Abrams. “No one seemed to care too much when I reinvigorated Star Trek, so I didn’t have super high hopes for Force. Plus, all we really did was remake the first film, so seriously, it’s crazy that people are plopping down money to see it 15 or 20 times.”

Based on worldwide grosses, the studio behind the film, Disney, says that they estimate that every single human being currently alive on the planet has seen the film at least once, and that several babies – who won’t even be born until the new year – may have already seen it as well.

“It’s really the only way the film could have done so much money,” said Disney CEO Mike Laird. “I mean, think about it like this. Titanic was the number one film at the box office for almost a dozen years, at just over 2 billion dollars. Then Avatar knocks that out with just under 3 billion. And now, here comes Force, which brings in a whopping $100 billion? I mean, that’s insane, right? There are 8 billion people in the world, and with average ticket prices at around $12, that means everyone, everywhere has seen the movie.”

Although those numbers add up, that’s likely not the case, according to box office analysts.

“More likely, it’s the same handful of nerds who’ve gone and see the movie 40 or 50 times in IMAX, which have ticket prices closer to the $20 range,” said Box Office Mojo writer Gil Morrison. “I can honestly say I haven’t seen it, and probably never will. I mean shit, who cares?”

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Faux Report

Travel Channel TV Host Andrew Zimmern Says Human Flesh Is ‘The Most Delicious’ Meat

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

TV personality Andrew Zimmern, best known as the host of Bizarre Foods, has traveled the entire world eating crazy and outlandish foods, but in a recent episode of the show, filmed as a special for the holidays, Zimmern claims that human flesh, when cooked properly, is the “most delicious” meat you can ever have on your plate.

“I was hesitant to try eating it, because when someone says ‘Hey, do you want to eat some human flesh,’ your immediate reaction is to say ‘Hell no,’” said Zimmern. “But when they bring you a plate, and it looks and smells delicious, you definitely want to give it a try. So I did, and it’s the greatest food I’ve ever eaten, bar none.”

Zimmern says that while filming in Bangladesh, the extremely underground delicacy was presented to him, but Travel Channel prohibited the segment from being filmed.

“They had something against actual, filmed cannibalism,” said Zimmern. “I have no idea why. It’s probably something of the legalities of it, but hell, I wasn’t in the United States, so why does it matter? At any rate, they flame-broiled me a piece of someone’s ass, and I have to say, it was decidedly the best ass I’ve ever eaten. If I were starving, Donner Party-style, I’d dig right into whatever ass was closest to me. Fried, flambéed, baked – hell, I’d eat that ass raw with a spoon if I could.”

Zimmern says that although the human flesh was delicious, it did give him extreme gas afterwards.

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Shocking Photos Surface Of Miley Cyrus With Her Clothes On

 

miley

LOS ANGELES, California – 

After a series of business-as-usual nude photo shoots for magazines such as Plastik, as well as extremely erotic costumes during her performances and tours, a slew of shocking photos have surfaced that are making Miley Cyrus fans take to social media in a vile and violent outrage.

“I cannot believe the photos that she gets away with sometimes, but this new set of pictures that is all over the web is disgusting, and it’s sickening,” said Marc Jacobs, 24. “I am a Miley Cyrus fan from way back, and I’ve stuck with her as a fan through a lot of scandals, but I just don’t think I can deal with these new pictures of her with her clothes on.”

According to her publicist, Marsha Williams, Cyrus’ new pictures were something that were never intended to see the light of day, but were leaked by a freelance photographer.

“Miley has a very unique and very specific kind of persona, and we have worked very hard to develop that,” said Williams. “These photos of her with her clothes on were never meant to be seen. They were taken in a weak moment, and Miley had ordered them destroyed. We are extremely upset that anyone has viewed these completely safe-for-work, totally boring photos. We are currently considering taking legal action against the photographer who leaked the photos.”

According to Williams, a new series of extremely graphic photos of Miley posing nude will more than likely hit the web soon in an effort to erase the “boring photos” from the minds of anyone who has seen them.

 

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Man Stabbed, Killed With Toy Lightsaber At Showing Of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’

lightsaber

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Tom Chris, 32, was reportedly killed after he was in an altercation with another patron at a Regal Cinema location in Los Angeles, police say. Onlookers who gave an account of the event say that Chris, who was dressed as Han Solo while waiting in line to see a matinee of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, was attacked by an unknown assailant in a Kylo Ren costume. The person was able to escape before police arrived.

“Oh man, it was intense,” said Mario Lemming, who waiting in line for a different movie and witnessed the event. “I mean, there they are, two grown-ass men, dressed in costumes like a couple of total fucking nerds, and then the Kylo Ren dude pulls out a lightsaber toy, you know, one of those ones for kids that light up but retract when you stab into something? Yeah, well, his didn’t retract, and it literally went right through that guy. Needless to say, that was the highlight of my day. Sisters, the piece of shit that my wife dragged me to, was horrible.”

Police say that they are combing security footage from the theatre and nearby businesses, but so far, they have no leads as to who was dressed in the Kylo Ren costume.

Tom Chris leaves behind no wife or kids, because clearly, a man dressed as Han Solo at a matinee showing of Star Wars on a Wednesday afternoon does not have a family.

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TIME Magazine Names Justin Bieber’s Penis ‘Person of the Year’

bieber

LOS ANGELES, California – 

In a year that had so many extremely exciting events and focused on so many important people – from Caitlyn Jenner’s “courageous” speeches, to President Obama finishing his final term in office, TIME Magazine has narrowed done the list of the Person of the Year to one person – or rather, one part of one person.

TIME has said that they have named Justin Bieber’s penis as their Person of the Year 2015. This comes only months after Beiber’s member made its first public appearance.

“I’m extremely honored that my penis has been named Person of the Year,” said Beiber. “I kind of figured when I walked around naked outside my hotel room that people would take pictures, but I never thought I’d have so many great honors associated with it, such as this Person of the Year distinction, or all the offers of having it molded for dildos.”

Bieber says that although the honor is very important to both him and his penis, he will not be allowing it to be photographed for the cover.

“I have nothing against TIME magazine or their photographers, and I’m grateful the think my dick is this important – I know I certainly agree with them – but I need my member to have pics taken at only certain times, and I just don’t think right now is one of them.”

 

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U.S. Filmmakers Arrested After Releasing ‘Extremely Obscene’ Horror Movie

film

NEW ENGLAND, United States – 

A group of independent filmmakers were arrested yesterday after a horror film they made was released online. The movie, The Carnage Collection, is reportedly a horror anthology, but several of the stories featured included graphic violence and disturbing content, enough that one viewer reported the film to authorities.

“Much like the Charlie Sheen fiasco in the 1980s, when he reported the notorious Guinea Pig films as being real to the FBI, my clients are accused of making snuff-related cinema, which is completely bogus,” said a lawyer for the filmmakers. “Although the movie may contain scenes of an extremely violent nature, and contain content not normally fit for viewing, this arrest is a severe form of censorship.”

According to people who have seen the film, the movie contains extreme violence, but the death of a young girl via a stabbing to her vagina is one of the scenes that has people talking, and is reportedly the scene that caused the complaint. The segment in the film, titled Stuffed, apparently deals with a girl named Andrea who befriends a talking, stuffed sloth, who convinces her to rape and murder her friend.

“It’s one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen,” said the anonymous woman who reported the film. “I illegally downloaded the film because the cover had a picture of Santa on it, so I thought it would be okay for my kids. The fact that it is called The Carnage Collection is irrelevant to me. Sure, the movie has a Santa in it, but he’s evil, and tells another character to ‘suck my mother-f’ing jingle balls.’ Needless to say, I let me kids watch the whole thing right up until the girl gets knifed in the vagina. Then I turned it off and called the police.”

“We’re just making a movie, and it’s definitely not the worst thing I’ve ever seen,” said Derek Ferreira, one of the film’s co-directors and stars. “I mean, haven’t you guys ever heard of American Guinea Pig? A Serbian Film? Cannibal Holocaust? Those are some heavy films right there, with directors who went to jail for their art. But even still, this is just art. These are just movies. We’re being censored by The Man.

The filmmakers are reportedly being held on $20,000 bail. Although the film has been cleared of any actual death or animal abuse, the crew is still behind bars based on almost 100-year-old law that forbids the production of “obscene material.” They say they still plan to sell and release the film in the coming weeks.

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Woman Pulls a Gun On Store Cashier Who Said ‘Happy Holidays’ Instead of ‘Merry Christmas’

gun

ASHEVILLE, North Carolina – 

A woman reportedly pulled a gun on a Kroger’s grocery store cashier who wished her ‘Happy Holidays’ instead of a ‘Merry Christmas’ after the transaction, according to Asheville Police.

“We had a call of a woman, mid-to-late-30s, who pulled a semi-automatic pistol on a Kroger’s employee,” said police chief Miles Kenefic. “The woman, who has yet to be identified, reportedly was upset to hear the employee say ‘happy holidays,’ and pulled the gun from her purse.”

The Kroger’s employee, who has been placed on leave following the incident to recover from stress-related illness, was told by her supervisors to tell everyone “Happy Holidays” after they had completed their transaction.

“It’s Kroger’s policy to say ‘Happy Holidays,’ because it’s more inclusive,” said store manager Joe Goldsmith. “It doesn’t matter to me if you celebrate Christmas or any other holiday at this time. You could celebrate no gift giving of family-oriented or religious holiday. It wouldn’t matter. There’s still New Year’s, and that’s still a holiday, so it’s just what we say here. Our employee was in the right.”

Police have been unable to come up with any leads as to the identity of the woman in the store, but say they are ‘working diligently’ to locate the suspect.

“We’re very upset that this happened in our city,” said Goldsmith. “It’s definitely proof-positive of why people should not be allowed to carry guns. Period.”

 

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Patrick Swayze Turns In His Grave After First Reviews of ‘Point Break’ Remake Hit The Web

swayze

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Patrick Swayze made a name for himself in the 80s and 90s, starring in feature films like Road House and Ghost, but one of his most iconic rolls was in the heist/action film Point Break, co-starring Keanu Reeves, that was released in 1991. The actor has since passed on, but as reviews of the Point Break remake have begun hitting the web, reports have indicated that Swayze is, indeed, rolling in his grave.

“I saw the trailer for the new Point Break, and I have to say, it looks pretty damn awful,” said film reviewer Charles Junior. “I watched it and said, ‘Oh man, Patrick probably rolling over in his grave right now,’ and as it turns out, he really is.”

Swayze’s headstone has reportedly fallen over multiple times, and groundskeepers at the cemetery say that they know it’s because he’s in there, going out of his mind.

“I keep picking it back up, but then it falls back over,” said one cemetery worker. “Problem is that damn Point Break remake. Making that poor man turn over and over in his grave. It’s sad. They should just pull it from release before it causes Mr. Swayze to get no eternal rest.”

Keanu Reeves, Swayze’s co-star in the original film, is still alive, but yet had no comment on the half-assed remake. Point Break is scheduled to hit theatres on Christmas day for some reason.

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Religious Groups Praise ‘Krampus’ Movie, Say It ‘Puts Jesus Back Into People’s Lives’

krampus

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Several religious groups, mostly sponsored by the Catholic church, have said that they are “extremely happy” with the new film Krampus, which opened this past week in theatres around the country. Based around an old legend about an evil entity that kidnaps bad children at Christmastime, Krampus is a movie that religious groups say “puts Jesus back into people’s lives.”

“Oh yes, once you see Krampus, you will come running back to Jesus,” said Mary Joseph of the Church of Sacred Hearts in Huntsville, Alabama. “I took my entire family to see it, all the children. They screamed, cried, and were scared to death. The great thing is, afterwards, they all wanted to go to church with me. They all ran back to Jesus.”

Film executives say that they are “very happy” that Christian and Catholic groups, who normally spit on their horror-centric films, are pleased with the latest feature.

“To be honest, we were just making a scary movie, but if Catholics want to run out and see it, more power to them. It’s more money in our pockets,” said one executive. “Frankly, any time they’re not shunning our movie, the better. If this works for them, I’ll just greenlight a whole slew of Krampus films. What do I care?”

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World’s Oldest Prostitute Makes Plans To Retire At Age 86

prostitute

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Molly Suxcawk has been performing her namesake as a professional prostitute since 1943 in beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada, but she says what was once a calling has become more of a chore.

“I choked down my first belly full of sperm at the ripe ol’ age of 14, and I never looked back,” said Suxcawk. “I’ve been out here in Vegas, enjoying my job for the better part of 70 years, but this has definitely become a young woman’s game, and it’s time I bow out, as it were. You can only take so much before an ol’ fashioned feels less like helping a guy out and more like your arm might fall off.”

Suxcawk was recognized by Guinness as the World’s Oldest Prostitute in 2007 when she was just about 79 years old.

“There aren’t too many women like me still in the game,” said Suxcawk. “Many of them got out of it in the 80s when AIDs was becoming prevalent. A lot of them died of things like syphilis or The Black Plague, but I’ve powered through, and I’ve been doing pretty good.”

Suxcawk estimates than in her time as a professional whore, she’s had sex with more than 45,000 men.

“Sure, that seems like a lot, but I did make a handful of them wear rubbers, so it was mostly safe,” said Suxcawk, smoking a cigarette and hacking up green phlegm. “I think I’m in pretty good shape for a woman of my age, but I tell you, I throw out my back nearly every time I have to put my legs behind my head, and I’m so stopped up, I can’t even drop out a Cleveland steamer on a guy’s chest anymore. Of course, at my age, I don’t have any problems with giving golden showers, that’s for sure. I think I dribbled a few drops just sitting here talking to you.”

Suxcawk says she will retire at the end of the year, and plans to finish high school.

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