Tag Archives: Entertainment

Faux Report

Courtney Stodden Says She’s Going To Have Implants Removed After Internet Backlash

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

After fans praised Courtney Stodden for posting a makeup free selfie on Instagram, the reality TV star has announced her plans to remove her breast implants. Stodden was praised for her natural beauty and courage after posting a photo with the caption, “NO MAKEUP … NO HAIRSPRAY… NO FANCY CLOTHES… NO FILTER… just me. #BeingBrave.” Yet one follower pointed out how the photo was just her and her giant fake breasts, which she took to heart.

“I didn’t realize that posting this would cause so much backlash, I thought I was just showing my natural beauty,” said Stodden. “I guess the problem is, I forgot that I wasn’t really natural.”

“It’s kind of gross really, and it made me feel like shit,” said Instagram follower Mary Simmons, 19. “I mean, I don’t look like that without makeup. Who does? Plus those fake breasts, they’re just…unreal. It’s all too unreal. I went and ate a whole gallon of Ben & Jerry’s after I saw that.”

Stodden says that she has decided to remove her fake breasts so that she can continue posting pictures on #NoMakeupMondays.

“It dawned on me that I could just take pictures of my face and keep my boobs out of it, but if I want to be natural, I have to be natural all the time, you know?” said Stodden.

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Competitive Eater Joey ‘Jaws’ Chestnut Dies Of Acute Acid Reflux

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VALLEJO, California –

World-famous competitive eater Joey “Jaws” Chestnut, a competitive eater who was currently ranked second in the world, has reportedly died from acute acid reflux, a disease he developed over a career of eating excessive amounts of food.

“Joey was in incredible health for a person who consumed hundreds of thousands of calories as if it was his job,” said Dr. Emmett Brown. “Unfortunately, despite his good health and the calories not causing him to be massively overweight, the one thing he could not get past was his horrible case of acid reflux disease, which he contracted after a particularly difficult challenge of eating the World’s Hottest Hot Wings in 2011.”

Joey Chestnut had competed, and won, the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Challenge multiple years, as well as many other challenges, including hot wings, meatballs, pizza, and an entire turkey dinner.

“Joey was a God to me,” said up-and-coming competitive eater Kimball Rowell. “I competed against him once in a pizza eating contest, and I ate 4 slices in 2 minutes. He ate 3 full pizzas. The man is a legend, and his legacy will last a lifetime.”

Chestnut was scheduled to compete this summer at the Nathan’s Hot Dog contest once again, where he hoped to regain his title as world champion.

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Faux Report

Marvel Announces R-Rated ‘Howard The Duck’ Film Coming in 2017

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HOLLYWOOD, California – 

The original Howard the Duck film, starring Lea Thompson and Ed Gale, is widely divided between moviegoers as being either an “awesome cult classic,” or one of the worst films of all time, but either way, Marvel has announced that they plan to bring back their anthropomorphic duck in an all-new movie, set for release in the summer of 2017.

“We teased Howard a little at the end of Guardians, but we really wanted to bring him back for his own movie, and this time, make it not a giant piece of shit,” said Marvel CEO Mark Wymms. “He will not be CGI as he was in Guardians. That was just a tease, or a little taste. Actually, we’ve already begun shooting the movie, and we think fans will be super happy to know that we’re going hard R-rating.”

Deadpool, the latest Marvel movie to hit theatres, was R-rated, and grossed over $700 million worldwide, making it the third-highest grossing R-rated film of all time. Marvel hopes to strike again with Duck, which is based on their comic series about a duck named Howard who is brought to Earth during a science experiment gone awry.

The new film will feature Warwick Davis (Willow) as Howard, and is set to be directed by Lars Von Trier.

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Hulk Hogan To Buy Majority Share of WWE With Gawker Settlement

Terry Bollea, aka Hulk Hogan, testifies in court during his trial against Gawker Media, in St. Petersburg, Florida, in this file photo taken March 8, 2016. REUTERS/Tampa Bay Times/John Pendygraft/Pool MANDATORY NYPOST OUT

LOS ANGELES, California –

Hulk Hogan announced this morning that he plans to take the $115 million dollar settlement he is set to receive from his lawsuit against garbage-posting website Gawker to purchase a majority share of stock in his former employer Vince McMahon’s company WWE.

“I’ve been a millionaire for many years, but I’ve never been that much of a millionaire,” said Hogan, whose real name is Terry Bollea. “I do own some stock in the company. I bought about $2,000 worth when it first went public. With this settlement, though, I can finally become majority owner.”

Although Vince McMahon had originally been set with 51% ownership, he was forced to sell some of his stock and ownership in the last few years as the company has taken a downturn, leaving him with only 48% ownership in the company. The rest is on the public market.

“I will be able to afford to buy 51% of the company with this settlement, and when I do, there will be some massive changes made to the company,” said Hogan. “I cannot wait to drop the leg on the WWE once more, but this time, it will be my place to do with as I wish. It will be like the NWO days all over again, brother.”

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Faux Report

‘Howard The Duck’ Movie Coming In 2017; Will Be R-Rated, ‘Won’t Suck This Time’ Says Marvel

howard

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Howard The Duck is a cult movie unlike most others, in the fact that almost everyone loathes it. The film, released in 1986, holds an ungodly low score of only 14% on RottenTomatoes, and most people consider it one of the worst movies of all time.

Despite that, though, Marvel has decided to green-light a remake of the film, which will introduce the anthropomorphic duck to a new audience, with hopes that the new film won’t “suck” as much as the original.

“Personally, I love the original, and I think it’s tons of fun. It’s not as good as the source material, but few things are,” said Bob Thomas, a movie reviewer for website TheFilmTalk. “Ed Gale, who played Howard, was tons of fun, and the movie is a laugh-riot. I don’t care what anyone says, the original does not suck.”

“The original is a giant pile of shit, but that won’t be the case with the remake,” said Marvel CEO Joel Miller. “We teased a bit after the credits of Guardians, but that was just a test, really. The character won’t be CGI, and there are some other changes. We’ll definitely have the crude, dirty parts of the comic, too. We are shooting for an R-rating, definitely.”

The movie has been in production since late 2015, but Marvel is just announcing the release this week. They say the script was written by Deadpool scribe Paul Wernick, and is being directed by Kevin Smith. Warwick Davis (Leprechaun, Willow) will be playing the title character.

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Steven Spielberg Announces 5th ‘Indiana Jones’ Film Titled ‘Search For The Medicaid’

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HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Harrison Ford has just signed on for the 5th, and perhaps final, installment in the original Indiana Jones series, according to producer and director Steven Spielberg. Spielberg, who is a spry 69-years-old, will direct Ford in the outing, slated for release in 2019. Ford will be a wrinkled 76-years-old upon the film’s release.

“I know I can’t do these forever, and if it wasn’t Steven making it again, I wouldn’t be bothered,” said Ford. “They tell me that this film is about Jones’ search for his missing Medicaid card. Sounds about right to me. At my age, I’m just not as limber and mobile as I used to be. Should be a really exciting adventure.”

“We’re going to be visiting some amazing locales in this movie, including Jones’ bathroom, his bedroom, and the living room couch, as he searches for his insurance card,” said Spielberg. “This is going to be the most action-packed film that a nearly 80-year-old man could ever hope to star in.”

The movie, being produced by LucasFilms, will be a summer tent-pole, as fans are just about as eager for the film as can be expected for a series this beloved.

“I mean yeah, I guess I’ll see it eventually,” said Roger Joy, 38. “I grew up with the originals. Crystal Skull kind of sucked, but as long as Harrison Ford doesn’t have to interact with the walking mannequin that is Shia LeBeouf in this one, it will be okay. I’ll at least catch it on Netflix.”

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Kanye Reportedly Leaves Kim Kardashian For Caitlyn Jenner

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

In an extremely bizarre turn of events, hip hop mogul and the internet’s favorite punching bag Kanye West has reportedly left his wife, Kim Kardashian, for her former step-father Caitlyn Jenner. According to reports, West and Jenner met during the filming of Jenner’s reality show, I Am Caitlyn, last year, and have been secretly meeting ever since.

Insiders report that Jenner and West have been secretly meeting in between her tapings of the latest episodes of her series, and that over time they have “fallen in love.”

“I am absolutely obsessed with Kanye, and with good reason. He’s gorgeous, talented, and he’s the only person in the world who I could honestly say is more self-absorbed than I am,” said Caitlyn Jenner. “It’s a shame; I never meant to wreck Kim’s marriage, but sometimes, love just blossoms.”

The usually mouthy West has remained mum on the subject of his new relationship, but his wife, Kim Kardashian, has reportedly been extremely vocal of her husband’s “misguided feelings.”

“Clearly it’s been awhile since he’s seen me naked, or else this wouldn’t be happening,” said Kardashian. “I don’t know how that is, since I literally just tweeted a nudie the other day. Hell, it was Facebook trending. How could he have missed it? I don’t understand. What does Caitlyn have that I don’t ha–…Oh, never mind.”

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Tim Burton Confirms ‘Beetlejuice 2’ Actually Happening; Keaton Out – Replaced With Johnny Depp

beetlejuice

LOS ANGELES, California – 

After a very back-and-forth week for Tim Burton and Beetlejuice fans, it can now be confirmed that a sequel is in the works. Originally Burton was rumored to have said that it wasn’t happening, then original stars Wynona Ryder and Michael Keaton confirmed that it was. Just a few days ago, a rep for Burton denied that a sequel was happening. All of the rumors can be put to rest, as Tim Burton himself has finally made a public announcement on the film’s future.

“We are definitely going ahead with ‘Bettlejuice 2’,” said Burton in a post on his social media pages. “I know there has been some hurt feelings on the part of the fans, and some rumors and some other garbage going around. I want to put a stop to all the lies and rumors. We are, at this moment, writing a sequel that we hope to begin filming later this year for release sometime in 2017 or early 2018.”

Burton went on to drop another bombshell, though, on his fans, in the casting department.

“Although we are extremely excited to bring fans of the first film a new look into the lives of the characters, there will be one major change, and that’s with who will be playing Bettlejuice,” said Burton. “Although many people believe that no one could play the part like Keaton, the man has gone on to win Oscars and play highbrow characters in arty films, and so we have decided that the part will be better suited to Johnny Depp.”

According to Burton, the story will continue where the original left off, with Lydia now married and with a child of her own.

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‘Roseanne’ Latest Show To Get Reboot On Netflix, Show To Be ‘Just As Trashy’ As Ever

roseanne

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Despite horrendous reviews, Fuller House has been a monster hit this week for Netflix. So much so that the streaming service has announced that they have made a deal with everyone’s favorite trashy comedian, Roseanne Barr, to re-launch her extremely successful sitcom.

“We are extremely happy that Roseanne will be returning to television, and the best thing is, it will be on our service, so it can be even raunchier and trashier than it was in the 80s and 90s,” said Netflix CEO Bill Hastings. “Roseanne is equally excited to bring back most of the cast of the original show, and catch everyone up on where the Connors have been these years.”

The show will take place in the present day, with Roseanne having her two daughters move back into the house where they all grew up, now complete with families of their own.

“It’s great, because the more people in the house, the trashier it will be,” said Roseanne. “We left the series on a really high note, but with a really heavy, down theme. At the time, it’s what I wanted. Now, though, I want to bring the light back. There’s some stuff I would have done differently, but in the end, this show will be so fucking great.”

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Owen Wilson Says He Plans On Finally Getting Nose Job

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Actor Owen Wilson, the uglier, slightly funnier brother of actor Luke Wilson that you probably know from movies like Wedding Crashers and The Internship, has announced that he finally plans on fixing his nose, which has bothered audiences for year.

“I have decided that the time is right, and I will be undergoing rhinoplasty to fix this monstrosity of a nose on my face,” said Wilson. “I’ve played the comedian long enough, and my agent has told me that if I ever want to be taken seriously, I should try and take better care of my looks, so I am.”

Wilson has been acting for decades, and has a net worth of nearly $40 million from starring in hit films, but has always maintained his hideous facial feature.

“I’m so glad that he’s wising up and having the surgery,” said Wilson fan Mario Jones. “He would be so much better in movies if he wasn’t so damn hard to look at.”

“I think that it’s really courageous of him to talk about how ugly he’s been in public like this,” said Maria Jackson, another fan. “I always thought he would be so yummy if only he wasn’t so damn fugly. Now his brother Luke? Mmmmh, honey – I’d eat the crack of that man’s ass, lordy lordy, he’s fine!”

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Leak Of 2016 Oscar Winners Hits Internet Only Hours Before Event

Academy Standing Strong Behind Nominating 'Old White Men' For Oscars

LOS ANGELES, California –

The 2016 Oscar ceremony, hosted by Chris Rock, is only hours away, but you don’t even have to sit through the 4-hour long rambling this year to find out if Leo Dicaprio is taking home the gold (spoiler alert: he is!) In an extremely unprecedented breach of security, the list of winners – which is safeguarded by Price-Waterhouse – was leaked to the internet late Saturday evening.

“This is truly and utterly devastating,” said Price-Waterhouse chairman Jon Mitchell. “For over 50 years, we have been able to keep a lid on the names of the winners until the moment that the envelope opens on stage. We have no idea how the winners were leaked, and we are working diligently to find the source.”

ABC, the channel who airs the Oscar telecast, said they are “extremely upset” by the leak, as it means much lower ratings than normal. Couple the leak with a year where the #OscarsSoWhite hashtag was causing many to boycott the event, and it seems that there may be a lot fewer people both showing up, and tuning into, the event on Sunday evening.

“It’s disappointing, really, and we are scrambling to make sure that the show goes on, and goes off, without a hitch,” said Chris Rock, host. “I’ll still be out there, doing my thing, but it’s a shame, really, that the anticipation of the night is gone.”

 

Interested to see who will be taking home a trophy tonight?
CLICK TO SEE LIST 2016 OSCAR WINNERS

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Betty White To Star In ‘Golden Girls’ Reboot on CBS

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MIAMI, Florida –

Everyone’s favorite TV queen, Betty White, has reportedly signed on to star in a reboot of the classic 80s sitcom The Golden Girls, which ran for 7 seasons and also originally starred Bea Arthur, Estelle Getty, and Rue McClanahan.

“I am so extremely excited to go back to work on what I think was my crowning achievement as an actress,” said White. “I only wish that the other girls could be here to take part. They tell me that the scripts are coming along, and that they’re going to be so dark and gritty. It’s going to be a fun change!”

The reboot is still being cast, but will reportedly will take place in the same home in Miami, with White reprising her role as Rose.

“Rose was one of the most loveable characters on TV, and Golden is one of of, if not the best, written sitcoms in television history,” said CBS executive Merle Rogers. “We are extremely excited to work with Betty again, and to begin a whole new series of ‘being a friend.'”

No air date or shoot schedule has been set for the series, but Rogers did say that it’s not “entirely out of the question” to make the show grittier and more updated.

“People like their shows dark now. Back in the day, we had, for example, the comedic Batman TV series. Now we have The Dark Knight. It’s the same with TV,” said Rogers. “It’s all Walking Dead, Breaking Bad, Mad Men. Moody, dark shows. That’s what people want, so that’s what we’ll give them with this Golden Girls reboot.”

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Netflix Picks Up ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ As New Original Series

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ATLANTA, Georgia –

Netflix has been creating waves with their original programming, and even this week started the revival series Fuller House, a new version of the popular series Full House. It seems that Netflix is continuing with the trend of picking up old TV shows, as they announced today that they are in production on a new season of the former TLC series Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

“We absolutely loved the show, Honey Boo Boo, and all the other characters that millions of people watched every single week,” said Netflix production manager Joel Hodgkins. “It’s not Honey’s fault that her mom was sleeping with a pedophile, and that the show got cancelled as a result. So, what we’re doing is bringing the show back for a new season, but this time, it will all be Honey Boo Boo, no Mama Jean.”

According to Netflix, the show will begin filming in summer of 2016, and will follow the adventures of Honey Boo Boo as she starts 4th grade.

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Kanye West Admits He’s In Debt Due To Kim Kardashian Mobile Video Game

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

A short time ago, Kanye West announced that he was over $50 million dollars in debt, and now, he’s coming out with the truth about what has caused his extreme downfall in wealth.

“Kim’s damn Android game, man. That shit cost me a fortune, and I can’t kick it. I just can’t,” said Kanye. “I know I tweeted back in October that any game that charges real world money was horrible, but it’s my wife’s damn game. I had to try it. And now, here I am.”

Kim Kardashian: Hollywood is a game available on the iTunes and Android app stores that allow people to pretend to be Kim, going on shopping sprees and doing all sort of extremely inane tasks. The game is free to download and play, but many of the game’s items need to be unlocked using real world money.

“I tried to stop playing, but I couldn’t,” said Kanye. “I needed to have the nicer car. Then I wanted all the fancy clothes. Then I wanted more new cars. The bigger house. All that shit, man, you gotta unlock it buy making in-app purchases. Before I knew it, I’d spent a million dollars.”

West says that over the last 6 months of playing the game, he’s spent more than $53 million dollars in real-world money on app purchases.

“I know I don’t say this as often as I should, but I need some serious fucking help,” said West.

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