Tag Archives: Entertainment

Faux Report

Rosie O’Donnell Makes Good On Threats To Smear Other’s With Her Menstrual Blood

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

In a 2015 radio talk show discussion about the period shaming of women, Rosie O’Donnell said, “I’d like to take my period blood I no longer have and write, ‘You’re all assholes.’ I’d like to smear it all over some people’s faces.”

According to various unreliable sources, plainspoken comedian and former The View co-host Rosie O’Donnell said publicly that she’d like to smear her menstrual blood all over either Christians’ faces or pro-life people’s faces — depending on which version you read.

Apparently, the comedian and former co-host of The View finally made good on her word, and was recently seen smearing her menstrual blood all over people in the street – anyone she deemed “pro-life” or a Christian.

“If they’re wearing a cross, then they’re getting the blood,” said O’Donnell. “If they look like they have a stick up their ass, they’re probably pro-life, and that means they’re anti-women and women’s rights, so for that, they’re getting the blood.”

O’Donnell was apparently able to throw her blood into the faces of more than 2 dozen women, as well as a few men, before she was tackled by police.

“It took about 6 of us to actually get her down, but once we did, she calmed down,” said police chief Martin Lewis. “It was a hell of bloody mess. She was wearing white pants. It looked like the elevator scene in The Shining.”

O’Donnell was released after a 24-hour hold. She is not expected to be charged with any crimes.

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Justin Bieber Says He Is Beginning His Training For Professional MMA Debut

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LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Pop singer Justin Bieber says that he has secured a team of professional fighters and trainers to work with him on what he says is his “next career move,” a trip to the professional MMA ring.

Bieber, who is best known for making music that most people can’t stand, is in good shape for a 22-year-old, although he has been known to be a heavy drinker and weed smoker.

“I want to get healthier, I want to be leaner, and I want to show the world that I can kick someone’s ass,” said Bieber. “I am working with some of the top fighters in the world, and I will be ready to go by this time next year.”

Bieber’s management team says that they have signed a deal with UFC for him to debut in their cruiserweight division, although at this time, no opponent has been set.

“I really want to fight CM Punk,” said Bieber. “I was a big fan of his before he became a tool and left wrestling, and I really think I can take him.”

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Marilyn Manson Has Surgery To Replace Ribs, Says He’s Done Sucking His Own Penis

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

If you don’t know anything about shock-rocker Marilyn Manson, you at least have probably heard two things – one, he is responsible for the shootings at Columbine High School, and two, he had two of his lower ribs removed so that he could give himself oral sex.

A surgeon in Los Angeles has said that the rock star, now 47, approached him last year to have the ribs replaced, claiming that he “no longer needs to suck his own dick.”

“A few weeks ago, I performed surgery on Mr. Manson and replaced his two lower, removed ribs with new, stainless, surgical steel ribs,” said the surgeon, who wishes to remain anonymous. “This is an easy procedure, and Mr. Manson was able to be in and out of the hospital in one, quick overnight stay.”

The surgeon says that Manson will be slightly sore, but should not have difficulties performing.

Manson himself said that he is glad to have his ribs back, and he wishes he never removed them in the first place.

“I feel whole again, and it’s a great feeling,” said Manson. “I came up with the idea of removing them while I was high, and since I’ve been sober for awhile, I realized that sucking my own dick is overrated, and I wanted to have the ribs replaced. Now I can get back to more important things, like focusing on making my new record, which is basically like sucking my own dick anyway.”

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No More Meat Loaf For Meatloaf

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LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Grammy-winning singer Meat Loaf is “responsive and recovering well” after fainting during a show in Edmonton, Canada, but those close to him say he will be forced to make major changes to his lifestyle. No red meat, no touring, and no sex are among the sacrifices Marvin Lee Aday will be forced to make.

The artist been feeling the strain of touring for years. Meat Loaf’s farewell tour was in 2013 when he said, ‘This time, they’re not going to rope me back in’.” The 68-year-old artist was diagnosed with an irregular heartbeat problem known as Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome after another onstage collapse in London in 2003. This disease is Associated with risk of sudden cardiac death.

One witness, Jamie Carriere, told CBC News Meat Loaf was performing his Grammy-winning song I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That) from the 1993 album as an encore when he collapsed.

“He fell … he just fell,” Carriere said. “You could hear the microphone just hit the ground.”

Meatloaf says he is willing to give up red meat. “I’ll do anything for my health, but I won’t give up steak. No I won’t do that.”

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Cher Says She Will ‘Blow Her Brains Out’ If Trump Is Elected

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LOS ANGELES, California –

The singer made the comment Monday evening at a star-studded fundraiser for Hillary Clinton at the Greek Theatre in Los Angeles, less than 24 hours before California holds its primaries.

“When I watch Trump I just want to blow my brains out,” Cher told crowd at the sold-out venue. Sons Elijah Blue Allman and Chaz Bono are begging the public to take their mother’s threat seriously.

“You wouldn’t know it to look at her but Mom is like 70, “said Elijah. “And she is getting a little kooky in her advancing years. She is dead serious about her threat to blow her brains out. When we were kids she’d say, “if you bastards don’t stop yelling I’m going to blow my brains out. Then she would put the glock to her head, and the look in her eye- Well, you could just tell Mom really meant it.”

Cher’s other son Chaz says he will join his mother in blowing his brains out if Trump gets elected president. “What do you want to bet in between all those new tax credits for the rich, he reverses Obama’s transgender bathroom decision? Of course I’m rich so rules like that don’t apply, but you better believe I will blow my brains out in solidarity.”

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Oprah Bashes Donald Trump After He Offers Her Vice President Spot

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If Donald Trump wants to make America great again, he definitely won’t be doing it with Oprah Winfrey. The presumptive Republican presidential nominee has made no secret of Winfrey as a dream running mate, even going so far as to tell ABC’s George Stephanopoulos that if they ran together, they would “win easily.”

Winfrey however, thoroughly quashed any hopes that Donald Trump had that she would join his ticket when she told Jimmy Kimmel on Jimmy Kimmel Live! that her response to a formal offer would be, “Donald, I’m with her!” Her response came after she endorsed presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton in an interview with ET, telling them that “it’s a seminal moment for women.”

“What this says is, there is no ceiling, that ceiling just went boom!” Winfrey said. “It says anything is possible when you can be leader of the free world. I’m with her.”

Winfrey also addressed rumors that she might be headed to the Oval Office in the future, telling Kimmel that she “would never run for office.” She did however, concede that this year’s election reassured her that if she were to run, she would be more than qualified.

“For many years, I used to think — until this election year, I thought — ‘Wow, I have no… Why do people say that? I have no qualifications to run.’ I’m feeling pretty qualified. After this year, I’m feeling really qualified.”

Via enVolve

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Rolling Stones Guitarist Proud Dad Of Conjoined Twin Girls

LONDON, England – 

Ronnie Wood, guitarist for the Rolling Stones was surprised to find his twin girls are joined at the base of their spine. Although the initial announcement, was, “The girls arrived on 30 May at 22:30 and all are doing brilliantly. The babies are perfect, ” the parents have now announced there are some complications. It is likely the birth defect is due to the advancing ages of Ronnie, 68, and Sally, 38.

Conjoined twins occur once every 200,000 live births, and their survival is anything but assured. Although more male twins conjoin in the womb than female twins, females are three times as likely as males to be born alive.

Wood is a proud dad nonetheless, and says doctors say they are confident the girls will be able to be separated. “Surgery will be bloody expensive. At this rate me and the boys will never stop touring. It’s not that we don’t want to retire. Every time we’re about to call it quits, one of us has something come up.”

Sally says they will not be releasing pictures, as she does not want the girls to be looked at as some oddity. She says they will not be having any more children after the girls.

“I told Ronnie to pull out. He can’t help himself when he gets so hopped up on Viagra and cocaine. And then I find out it’s twins. We’re so blessed to have them, but by the time they’re 10 their dad will likely have passed on.”

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J.K. Rowling: ‘Ron and Hermione Will Divorce In Harry Potter Sequel’

LONDON, England – 

Harry Potter fans are shocked by JK Rowling’s announcement that Ron and Hermione divorce in the new book. The official sequel, Harry Potter and The Cursed Child, focuses on Potter’s child, Albus Severus. It will be released as both a play and a book on July 31st.

Harry Potter is now “an overworked employee of the Ministry of Magic, a husband and father of three school-age children. Although the focus is on the Potter family, Ron and Hermoine rejoin the hero to fight the forces of evil, while going through a heated divorce and custody battle.”

“I rushed the ending a bit, didn’t think through the epilogue, and now I have some major regrets,” says Rowling. In the epilogue to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which is set 19 years later, it’s revealed that Harry married Ginny Weasley, Ron’s sister, and they have three children. Ron and Hermione have two kids together. The author says, “Hermione and Ron should have never ended up together. Opposites may attract, but it usually doesn’t last. I will be undoing a great injustice to the characters and fans.”

Conservative Christian groups have announced their plans to continue to boycott the books based on moral grounds. Harry Potter Fanclub member, Kelly Slater says she feels the new developments are true to life. “Ron leaves Hermione for some younger, hotter bitch. Kids need to learn that it happens in the wizarding world and it happens in real life.”

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Hollywood Says That They Are ‘Done’ Making Reboots, Remakes; Original Content Only Starting 2017

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

All the major studios in Hollywood, including Paramount, Universal, Fox, and more, released a joint announcement today saying that they have “heard the call” of the movie fan, and will no longer be rebooting or remaking films, and plan to release nothing but original films and content going forward.

“People have been complaining a lot, and the internet is really the most important fan we have,” read the statement. “We have listened, and starting in 2017, there will be no more reboots from any of our studios. No remakes, either. We will still have sequels, because they’re built-in audiences that are usually cash cows, but no longer will we decide to make a movie based on another movie that is only 10 years old, that itself was based on a comic or TV series that was only 3 years old.”

The internet let out a collective yell of celebration at the news, praising Hollywood filmmakers for the first time since Avatar was released.

“Finally, they’re doing something right, and listening to what we want,” said Kip Hendrix, who says he ‘loves movies more than sluts love dick.’ “I’m so glad that I will never again have to see a movie in anticipation of another version of it being released by the time I get home from the theatre. Hollywood has sucked lately, and this is going to fix it.”

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New TV Show Will Highlight Competitive Dumpster-Diving

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

A new TV show to air later this year on TLC will highlight competitive dumpster-diving, which has become one of the most “extreme” new sports-slash-competitions in recent years. The series, which has been picked up for one season to start, will be called Garbage Games, and will follow multiple people in their quest to find the most valuable item in their town’s dumpsters and trash cans.

“I got into dumpster diving when I was a kid, because we were poor, and it seemed like a good hobby,” said Mark Ryan, who is featured on the show. “I’ve found everything from extremely valuable paintings to old antique toys to more ‘useful’ things, like unopened packages of food. I think I’ll really have a good leg-up in the Garbage Games.”

TLC president Phil Moss says that he is “extremely excited” for the show to air, and thinks it could be a great competitor to shows like Hoarders.

“I love shows about trash, whether it’s trashy people like Honey Boo-Boo or trash in someone’s home like Hoarders, so I think this show will be great,” said Moss. “I’ve seen the first few episodes, and there are some really, really fun and exciting things that people find in their trash. America will love this show.”

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K.D. Lang Claims She Had Affair With Hillary Clinton

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Musician K.D. Lang shocked reporters yesterday when she responded to a question concerning the presidential run of Hillary Clinton, and the possibility that she could become the first woman President of the United States in American history.

The singer-songwriter, who is in Los Angeles shooting a role for a TV series, took reporters by surprise by admitting she had not only met the former First Lady at various times, but also knew her “intimately”.

“We met many times during some protests after the Vietnam war, probably 1979 or 1980. I was only about 19 at the time, but Hill was beautiful, and I became enamored. We shared many of the same values about sexual equality, fighting against the authoritarian, patriarchal, male-dominated society we were raised in,” she explained.

The celebrity admitted laughingly to having “a fling” with her at the time, and acknowledged her winning the election “would be a great advancement for LGBT and Women rights in America.”

“I’m just glad that she’s out there, doing her thing,” said Lang. “I just wish she’d call once in a while.” 

“Hillary Clinton has been hit by a series of allegations of being a lesbian many, many times in her career, which you would think would ruin her bid for the presidency, but apparently not,” said political pundit Michael Ross. “The more often it comes up, the more people start thinking of her as a real person, instead of some odd-ball robot or a soulless devil, as they usually do.”

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Gritty, R-Rated ‘Carmen Sandiego’ Movie Begins Production In October

carmen

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego was a popular children’s game and TV show, which taught geography and history to kids in the early 90s. Several other offshoots of the Carmen Sandiego character have appeared over time, and it was announced today in Variety magazine that a new, gritty version of the character is coming to the big screen.

“All the kids loved Carmen, but those kids have grown up, many with children of their own now,” said Lionsgate CEO Mark Miller. “We thought about the property, and decided that a gritty, dark, violent version of the character would really appeal to those adults who grew up with her on TV and on the computer. This was a major deal for us, and a huge property to acquire.”

Miller says that the character is being revamped and rebooted to be more of a sultry, violent, superhero like spy.

“She’s a former stripper-turned-private eye, so she knows how to use her body as well as her fists, to get to the ‘bad guys,'” said Miller. “The script is being written by Quentin Tarantino, who is a big fan of the original TV show, as well as the cartoon series from the 90s.”

Tarantino is known for his violent characters in most films, including extremely badass female characters such as The Bride in his Kill Bill films.

“We know he will do a terrific job on the story,” said Miller. “If things pan out, we may even have him direct.”

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Courtney Stodden Says She’s Going To Have Implants Removed After Internet Backlash

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

After fans praised Courtney Stodden for posting a makeup free selfie on Instagram, the reality TV star has announced her plans to remove her breast implants. Stodden was praised for her natural beauty and courage after posting a photo with the caption, “NO MAKEUP … NO HAIRSPRAY… NO FANCY CLOTHES… NO FILTER… just me. #BeingBrave.” Yet one follower pointed out how the photo was just her and her giant fake breasts, which she took to heart.

“I didn’t realize that posting this would cause so much backlash, I thought I was just showing my natural beauty,” said Stodden. “I guess the problem is, I forgot that I wasn’t really natural.”

“It’s kind of gross really, and it made me feel like shit,” said Instagram follower Mary Simmons, 19. “I mean, I don’t look like that without makeup. Who does? Plus those fake breasts, they’re just…unreal. It’s all too unreal. I went and ate a whole gallon of Ben & Jerry’s after I saw that.”

Stodden says that she has decided to remove her fake breasts so that she can continue posting pictures on #NoMakeupMondays.

“It dawned on me that I could just take pictures of my face and keep my boobs out of it, but if I want to be natural, I have to be natural all the time, you know?” said Stodden.

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Competitive Eater Joey ‘Jaws’ Chestnut Dies Of Acute Acid Reflux

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VALLEJO, California –

World-famous competitive eater Joey “Jaws” Chestnut, a competitive eater who was currently ranked second in the world, has reportedly died from acute acid reflux, a disease he developed over a career of eating excessive amounts of food.

“Joey was in incredible health for a person who consumed hundreds of thousands of calories as if it was his job,” said Dr. Emmett Brown. “Unfortunately, despite his good health and the calories not causing him to be massively overweight, the one thing he could not get past was his horrible case of acid reflux disease, which he contracted after a particularly difficult challenge of eating the World’s Hottest Hot Wings in 2011.”

Joey Chestnut had competed, and won, the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Challenge multiple years, as well as many other challenges, including hot wings, meatballs, pizza, and an entire turkey dinner.

“Joey was a God to me,” said up-and-coming competitive eater Kimball Rowell. “I competed against him once in a pizza eating contest, and I ate 4 slices in 2 minutes. He ate 3 full pizzas. The man is a legend, and his legacy will last a lifetime.”

Chestnut was scheduled to compete this summer at the Nathan’s Hot Dog contest once again, where he hoped to regain his title as world champion.

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