Man Sues Hooters After Getting Small-Breasted Waitress On Visit

MIAMI, Florida –

Kyle Reese, 50, says that he is taking suit against a Hooters location in Miami, Florida, after a recent visit to the restaurant. According to Reese, he was assigned a “tiny-titted” waitress, and was refused service after he requested a girl with a “bigger rack.”

“As the great Chris Rock said, ‘No one goes to Hooters for wings,'” said Reese. “I went there, and I wanted to oogle. I have gone many times, and I always get good looking, stacked chicks. This time, I got some small-titted, timid girl. It’s not my type. I asked to be seated somewhere else, and they said no. Then they refused to serve me at all when I demanded a hotter girl.”

Management in the restaurant say that they had no choice but to ask Reese to leave after he began screaming about “tits and ass” inside the family establishment.

“We are a family-friendly place, and we had many other people eating at the time,” said manager Joel Silver. “This was not the kind of environment we want our other guests to have to deal with, so Mr. Reese was removed from the property.”

Reese is seeking $2 million dollars in damages, claiming that the restaurant falsely advertised their product.

Faux Report

Anonymous Bidder Spends $3.5 Million On ‘Share A Coke With Trump’ Bottle

ATLANTA, Georgia –

An anonymous online bidder on eBay has reportedly paid over $3.5 million for a bottle of Coca-Cola with the slogan ‘Share a Coke With Trump’ written on it. The bottle, which comes directly from the Trump campaign, is reportedly signed by Trump, and all proceeds go “back into the campaign,” the auction said.

“I am extremely honored that someone would donate that much to my campaign, and I am glad that because of the way that we set up this auction, it is completely legal and totally tax free,” said Trump. “Because the donator was so generous, I will also be sending him a 12-pack of Coca-Cola cans, so that he can enjoy the smooth taste of the best soda on the market.”

Coca-Cola stock dropped to all-time lows after the announcement, with most people falsely assuming that Coca-Cola sponsored The Donald. A spokesman for Coca-Cola says that there is “no way in hell” that they support Donald Trump, and that the company does not make its political leanings known, except to remind people to always vote Coke over Pepsi.

Faux Report

Anonymous Bidder Spends $3.5 Million On ‘Share A Coke With Trump’ Bottle

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Faux Report

Taco Bell To No Longer Allow Trump Supporters In Their Restaurants

IRVINE, California –

Taco Bell, a subsidiary of Yum! Brands, has announced today that they will no longer be allowing Trump supporters into their restaurants, based on vile hate speech that the candidate has made about Mexican immigrants.

“Taco Bell does not support hate against anyone, of any nationality, and we cannot continue to allow people who agree with such people and such views, into our establishments,” said Taco Bell spokesman Joel Silver. “Signs have been posted at each location, including franchise locations, to let people who support Trump know that they are not welcome.”

Silver says that the company has received almost nothing but support after making the announcement this morning via social media.

“There are plenty of people who support Trump, and that’s depressing,” said Silver. “We cannot, in good conscience, allow that kind of people to eat in our restaurants. Our food is a staple of Mexican-American cuisine, and to talk badly about the people who make and have created our foods is not something we support.”

Signs posted in the stores indicate that Taco Bell “stands with their fellow Mexican restaurants.”

Faux Report

Purina To Release Dog Food Made With Cat Meat

ST. LOUIS, Missouri –

Purina Brand Dog Food has announced today that they plan on releasing a new line of wet dog food that will be predominantly made of cat meats. The company, one of the largest pet food companies in the world, said that the new line is “exactly what dogs want.”

“It’s no secret that dogs and cats are natural enemies, and dogs love the taste of kitty flesh,” said Purina spokesman Ryan Shepherd. “We have made a deal with the FDA to allow the importation of cats from around the world. The animals will be euthanized safely and will be made sure to be free of diseases. Dogs will love this new product.”

According to Shepherd, the new Purina line of dog chow will be called Kitty Bits, and will also feature other mixed in meats, such as tuna and beef.

Faux Report

Hulk Hogan To Buy Majority Share of WWE With Gawker Settlement

LOS ANGELES, California –

Hulk Hogan announced this morning that he plans to take the $115 million dollar settlement he is set to receive from his lawsuit against garbage-posting website Gawker to purchase a majority share of stock in his former employer Vince McMahon’s company WWE.

“I’ve been a millionaire for many years, but I’ve never been that much of a millionaire,” said Hogan, whose real name is Terry Bollea. “I do own some stock in the company. I bought about $2,000 worth when it first went public. With this settlement, though, I can finally become majority owner.”

Although Vince McMahon had originally been set with 51% ownership, he was forced to sell some of his stock and ownership in the last few years as the company has taken a downturn, leaving him with only 48% ownership in the company. The rest is on the public market.

“I will be able to afford to buy 51% of the company with this settlement, and when I do, there will be some massive changes made to the company,” said Hogan. “I cannot wait to drop the leg on the WWE once more, but this time, it will be my place to do with as I wish. It will be like the NWO days all over again, brother.”

Faux Report

GEICO Gecko Killed After Being Run Over By Car Insured By Farmers

ATLANTA, Georgia –

The famous GEICO Gecko, which most people assumed was a CGI character, was killed yesterday after being run over in a film studio parking lot, ironically by a car insured by Farmer’s Insurance.

The gecko, which has been the spokesperson for the company for several years, was actually a combination of CGI and a real animal, according to GEICO. They would use a real gecko, film it, and add CGI and a voiceover to make it appear as if he was talking. Whereas many productions use several animals to get the shots they need, GEICO says they were able to use just one gecko, whose name was Alfred.

“Alfred is a longtime friend of the company, and he worked very hard to save people money in only 15 minutes time,” said GEICO chairman Joel Iger. “His death is a sad day for us at GEICO, and for the entire world who loved him.”

Iger says that a new animal trainer that they had hired to work with Alfred had “lost track” of the animal, and he was later found outside, run over by a Jaguar.

“I never even saw him, I swear to God!” said Richard Hall, who was driving the vehicle. “I never thought I would kill a beloved icon today, and my heart is shattered. I loved his commercials. On the plus side, it could have been worse. I mean, I have Farmers. I could have hit and killed JK Simmons, you know?”

Faux Report

Angry Mob Burns Down Denny’s Restaurant After Finding It Closed

BANGOR, Maine –

If there’s one thing that everyone knows about Denny’s Resturants, it’s that they’re always open, and that their food always gives you the blow shits.

One group of people who were hungry for a late night meal were enraged to find that their local restaurant was closed last Tuesday evening, and instead of finding a new place to eat, opted to burn the place to the ground.

“Denny’s is supposed to always be open, and it was bullshit that they weren’t!” said Jordan Scott, 20. “We drove 40 minutes, which is like 3 days of driving when you’re as high as we were, and when we got there, they weren’t even open. What the fuck is that? Denny’s doesn’t close! We were pissed.”

According to police, Scott and four of his friends arrived at a Denny’s location in Bangor, Maine at around 3am Tuesday morning, and when they found that it was closed for cleaning, they set the building on fire.

“Thankfully, the employees inside working were able to make it out unharmed,” said Police Chief Joe Goldsmith. “Unfortunately for the arsonists, the Denny’s they burned down was directly across the street from a 24-hour Dunkin Donuts, and that place was open. It was also filled with police officers.”

The group of delinquents were arrested, and charged with arson. The group say, though, that they plan to sue Denny’s for false advertising, and will use the money won to pay their own court costs.

Faux Report

Leak Of 2016 Oscar Winners Hits Internet Only Hours Before Event

LOS ANGELES, California –

The 2016 Oscar ceremony, hosted by Chris Rock, is only hours away, but you don’t even have to sit through the 4-hour long rambling this year to find out if Leo Dicaprio is taking home the gold (spoiler alert: he is!) In an extremely unprecedented breach of security, the list of winners – which is safeguarded by Price-Waterhouse – was leaked to the internet late Saturday evening.

“This is truly and utterly devastating,” said Price-Waterhouse chairman Jon Mitchell. “For over 50 years, we have been able to keep a lid on the names of the winners until the moment that the envelope opens on stage. We have no idea how the winners were leaked, and we are working diligently to find the source.”

ABC, the channel who airs the Oscar telecast, said they are “extremely upset” by the leak, as it means much lower ratings than normal. Couple the leak with a year where the #OscarsSoWhite hashtag was causing many to boycott the event, and it seems that there may be a lot fewer people both showing up, and tuning into, the event on Sunday evening.

“It’s disappointing, really, and we are scrambling to make sure that the show goes on, and goes off, without a hitch,” said Chris Rock, host. “I’ll still be out there, doing my thing, but it’s a shame, really, that the anticipation of the night is gone.”

Interested to see who will be taking home a trophy tonight?
CLICK TO SEE LIST 2016 OSCAR WINNERS

Faux Report

Couple Find Child’s Thumb In Wendy’s Chili

TOBY, South Dakota –

A South Dakota couple have allegedly discovered a child’s thumb in their Wendy’s chili. The finders, Mark and Julie Kavner, both 30, say that they ordered the same thing they’ve ordered every time they’ve eaten at Wendy’s – a small french fry, two bacon cheeseburger deluxe sandwiches, and a chili. This time, though, they discovered something extra.

“We were half way through the chili, and we discovered a child’s thumb near the bottom of the container. I started vomiting immediately,” said Julie Kavner. “It was the most disgusting thing that’s ever happened to me, and I used to work for my family’s septic and sewage company.”

Wendy’s spokesman Gerald Hawkins says that it’s “completely impossible” that there could ever be any digits found in the chili, because the food is made fresh on-site in each restaurant, and that the chain does not employ minor children.

“We strive for excellence every day in all of our locations,” said Hawkins. “We have been accused of this sort of thing before, but it was proven then that it was a hoax. We will prove it again using our internal restaurant investigators.”

The Kavners were advised by their attorney to make no statements about any planned lawsuits.

Faux Report

Kellog’s To Bring Back Anti-Masturbation Stance In New Marketing Materials

BATTLE CREEK, Michigan –

A lot of people don’t know this about Kellog’s Brand cereals, but one of the original members of the company, John Harvey Kellog, was a staunch anti-masturbator. The man, along with his brother, company founder William Kellog, invented the Corn Flakes cereal as a way to curb masturbation, and JH Kellog was a leader in the Anti-Masturbation Movement.

Over the years, the Kellog company has tried to distance itself from this stance, but a recent shocking announcement from the company claims that they are looking to bring back the anti-masturbation themes in their marketing, hoping to keep young children from harming themselves with what Kellog called “the worst evil [one] could commit.”

“We at Kellog’s brands have decided that the time is right to bring back the anti-masturbation league, and teach children – and adults – about the dangers of masturbation,” said current Kellog’s brands CEO Tyler Warner. “Our founders believed in healthy lifestyles, and we want to promote that the best way we can. Starting immediately, Kellog’s brand products and cereals will include pamphlets about anti-masturbation, as well as facts about the dangers masturbating can cause.”

Most parents groups seem extremely pleased with the announcement, with Kellog’s stock shooting up over 20 points since the original plan was made public. Kellog’s said they plan to approach Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin to appear in new cereal advertising.

Faux Report

Kanye West Admits He’s In Debt Due To Kim Kardashian Mobile Video Game

LOS ANGELES, California –

A short time ago, Kanye West announced that he was over $50 million dollars in debt, and now, he’s coming out with the truth about what has caused his extreme downfall in wealth.

“Kim’s damn Android game, man. That shit cost me a fortune, and I can’t kick it. I just can’t,” said Kanye. “I know I tweeted back in October that any game that charges real world money was horrible, but it’s my wife’s damn game. I had to try it. And now, here I am.”

Kim Kardashian: Hollywood is a game available on the iTunes and Android app stores that allow people to pretend to be Kim, going on shopping sprees and doing all sort of extremely inane tasks. The game is free to download and play, but many of the game’s items need to be unlocked using real world money.

“I tried to stop playing, but I couldn’t,” said Kanye. “I needed to have the nicer car. Then I wanted all the fancy clothes. Then I wanted more new cars. The bigger house. All that shit, man, you gotta unlock it buy making in-app purchases. Before I knew it, I’d spent a million dollars.”

West says that over the last 6 months of playing the game, he’s spent more than $53 million dollars in real-world money on app purchases.

“I know I don’t say this as often as I should, but I need some serious fucking help,” said West.

Faux Report

Kids Who Color On Themselves Grow Up To Be Geniuses

LOS ANGELES, California –

Researchers at the prestigious Children’s Institute of America recently completed a 20 year study on the effects of children who color on themselves with Crayola markers, and the study proves conclusively that those children grow up to have extremely high IQs.

“We followed 2,000 children for the last 20 years, and of those 2,000 case studies, half of them were allowed to color on themselves using markers, while the other half were not,” explained Dr. Richard Kimball. “What we found was that the 1000 kids who were able to let their creativity flow by drawing on themselves, a significant portion of them grew up to be extremely smart, some of them tipping past genius levels.”

Dr. Kimball says that 978 of the children who were allowed to Crayloa their own faces consistently had IQs in the genius level, where as all 1000 of the non-colorers had normal, average IQs, or below in adulthood.

“This study proves conclusively why you should allow your children to be creative, and do whatever they’d like. If they want to color themselves blue, why, go out and get them some markers,” said Dr. Kimball. “Down the road you’ll be glad you did.”

Faux Report

Banks To Offer ‘Free Money Day’ On March 30th

WALL STREET, New York –

After an extremely banner year in 2015, many major banks across the United States, including American Bank and TD Banknorth, are planning on offering a ‘free money day,’ where their customers can stop by any branch location and have an extra bit of cash deposited into their savings or checking account.

“Basically, most major banks had extremely an extremely good year last year. We make a lot of money off of people by imposing ridiculous, unnecessary fees, and we’d like to pay that back now,” said TD Bank CEO George Fulton. “I mean, $35 every day you’re overdrafted, it adds up, right? As an example, we took in over $250 million in bank fees last year. We love money, but we’re also happy to share that back with our great customers who paid it to us in the first place.”

Bank fees, which are a notorious pain in the ass for anyone who has ever had to deal with them, are the biggest gripe among customers of all banks nationwide. Fulton says that this is a way for banks to “save a little face,” and get customers to fall back in love with banks.

“Stop into your local branch of any bank, and you will be eligible for a deposit in your account from anywhere from $45 to $250,” said Fulton. “It’s as simple as that. No catch, no fees, no issues. Just ask, and you’ll receive the money.”

Fulton says that banks are choosing the amount to pay based on account history and fees paid in.

Pacific Daily Times

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Tag Archives: Business

Man Sues Hooters After Getting Small-Breasted Waitress On Visit

Taco Bell To No Longer Allow Trump Supporters In Their Restaurants

Purina To Release Dog Food Made With Cat Meat

Hulk Hogan To Buy Majority Share of WWE With Gawker Settlement

GEICO Gecko Killed After Being Run Over By Car Insured By Farmers

Leak Of 2016 Oscar Winners Hits Internet Only Hours Before Event

Couple Find Child’s Thumb In Wendy’s Chili

Kellog’s To Bring Back Anti-Masturbation Stance In New Marketing Materials

Kanye West Admits He’s In Debt Due To Kim Kardashian Mobile Video Game

Kids Who Color On Themselves Grow Up To Be Geniuses

Banks To Offer ‘Free Money Day’ On March 30th