Tag Archives: Business

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Newport Plans To Introduce New Marijuana Cigarettes For Sale In States Where Weed Is Legal

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As Reported By Empire Herald:

Newport Cigarettes, one of the world’s most popular cigarette brands, announced today that they will join the marijuana legalization trend and start producing marijuana cigarettes. Marketed under the brand ‘Newport Nirvana’, the cigarettes will be made available for sale through marijuana-licensed outlets in the state of Colorado, and the state of Washington.

Reynolds American Inc. Chief Marketing Executive Lawrence Harrison, said in an interview that the company has been ecstatic on the idea of marketing cannabis, and has been monitoring the market for some time. It was only when the recent legalization initiatives…

READ FULL STORY HERE

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New Hampshire Forces All Stores To Be Closed On ‘Black Friday’ Due To Fear Of Injury and Death

Woman Gives Birth During Black Friday Sale; Leaves Baby, Buys Big Screen TV

CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

The state law board in New Hampshire has ruled that no retail store will be able to open their doors on the day after Thanksgiving, the shopping ‘holiday’ known as Black Friday. According to state representatives, the number of massive injury or deaths has steadily increased over the last 10 years, and they are trying to “lower the possibility” of anything happening.

“Last year, we had 2,000 injuries and 178 deaths statewide in relation to Black Friday shopping,” said NH State Representative Dan Miller. “We had no choice but to shut it down for this year.”

Miller says that the plan is to make sure that all stores are closed from midnight on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving until 7AM on the Saturday following.

“This way, people will not get trampled in dangerous stampedes just to get their hands on a $199 TV or some such nonsense,” said Miller.

When asked if he thought that the “Black Friday” madness would just get pushed to Saturday, causing the injuries or deaths later in the weekend, Miller responded that they “hadn’t thought of that,” and just encouraged more people to stay home and shop online.

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Government Forces Company To Remove The Term ‘Diet’ From All Foods

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Have you had a diet soda recently? We don’t suppose it helped you lose any weight, did it? Of course not. But, the United States government thinks that ‘diet’ has become a word synonymous with losing weight, and has decided to ban it from all food and packaging that shoppers would be exposed to.

“If you go to the store and get a Diet Pepsi, I’d expect, as a normal, everyday kind of guy, that I should be able to drink it and lose weight,” said Mario Lewis, who started a petition with change.org to get the government to remove the label. “I drank a Diet Soda every single day for nearly 20 years. It was my diet plan. All I got from that much diet drink was cancer. I didn’t lose a pound.”

“We agree that something has to change, and so we’ve made the decision to ban the word ‘diet’ from food packaging,” said USDA representative Carl Pooler. “Starting January 1st, ‘diets’ will be a thing of the past. What the new term is, we haven’t decided. We may leave that up to the producer of the specific food.”

This ban comes after similar ones from years past, such as the tobacco industry being forced to remove the term “light” to describe their cigarettes, when those things were still filled with the same amount of rat poison, cow shit, and black death as their “full flavor” counterparts.

 

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Donald Trump Halloween Mask Is Biggest Selling Item In History

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Nevada Halloween Company, located just outside of Las Vegas, began producing a new mask this year that they dubbed “Dummy Politician.” Of course, it’s clearly a likeness of Donald Trump, even if they’re not specifically saying so. Regardless of the gag, though, the mask has shocked the world, going viral, and becoming the number one biggest selling item of all time – of and item.

“It’s not just the biggest selling Halloween mask,” said Derek Jones, president of Nevada Halloween. “We’ve sold more masks than Apple has iPhones. More than Budweiser has sold beer. We’ve sold more of these masks than anyone has ever sold of anything…ever. It’s truly a triumph for our little company.”

According to Jones, the company has sold over 7 billion of the masks, almost enough for every man, woman, and child in the world to go as a “dummy politician” for Halloween.

“It’s really astounding how many we’ve sold, but what’s more astounding is that a lot of people write in to thank us for selling such an ‘American’ product, and that they’re happy we’re doing our part to ‘Make America Great Again,'” said Jones. “I don’t get it. For one, America is already great. Saying we need to make it great again would imply it’s not currently, and that’s not true at all. And two, the mask is called ‘dummy politician.’ How stupid are these voters?”

 

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McDonald’s ‘Kills Off’ Ronald McDonald After Scary Clown Epidemic

AUGUSTA, Georgia – 

McDonald’s Corporation has announced that they will be doing away with their longtime spokes-clown, Ronald McDonald, after a series of “scary clown” sightings throughout the country that have lead to assaults and terrorism threats.

“We think it’s time that we put Ronald McDonald to rest,” said company spokesman Marshall Richards. “He has been around for nearly 50 years, and it’s time we say goodbye. We have an entire cast of other friendly faces that can step up to take his place. No one is out there running around as a scary Grimace terrorizing people. We think he’ll make a great frontman.”

The company hasn’t aired any new Ronald commercials in 2016, and they said they plan to begin filming new commercials starring The Grimace, as well as the Hamburgler and other old favorites, during the first quarter of next year.

Ronald McDonald will receive a “memorial service” commercial that will be release online-only sometime before Christmas, the company said.

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Colorado Pot Smokers Beware! State Issues MASSIVE Recall After 6 Deaths From Tainted Drug

DENVER, Colorado – 

The Colorado State Control Board has issues a massive recall for 3 different types of marijuana sold throughout the state at the Ready Green dispensaries, after 6 people died from “tainted” drugs.

According to the state health commission, the marijuana was grown and brought in from outside of the country, and has been found to have a dangerous pesticide that has caused more than 30 people to be hospitalized and 6 people to die after smoking it.

“It’s a nightmare, really, because the legal side of things has made it very easy to obtain weed, and Ready Green is the biggest dispensary in the state,” said Health Commission Chairman Mario Rodriguez. “We are working hard to remove this particular group of bud from all stores, but we’re not sure how much of it is out there.”

The health commission is asking people who currently purchase their weed at local stores to go back to doing it “the old fashioned way.”

“Please, if you need weed, buy it from a non-reputable dealer like everyone else in the country,” said Rodriguez. “It could save your life.”

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Colorado Pot Smokers Beware! State Issues MASSIVE Recall After 6 Deaths From Tainted Drug

DENVER, Colorado – 

The Colorado State Control Board has issues a massive recall for 3 different types of marijuana sold throughout the state at the Ready Green dispensaries, after 6 people died from “tainted” drugs.

According to the state health commission, the marijuana was grown and brought in from outside of the country, and has been found to have a dangerous pesticide that has caused more than 30 people to be hospitalized and 6 people to die after smoking it.

“It’s a nightmare, really, because the legal side of things has made it very easy to obtain weed, and Ready Green is the biggest dispensary in the state,” said Health Commission Chairman Mario Rodriguez. “We are working hard to remove this particular group of bud from all stores, but we’re not sure how much of it is out there.”

The health commission is asking people who currently purchase their weed at local stores to go back to doing it “the old fashioned way.”

“Please, if you need weed, buy it from a non-reputable dealer like everyone else in the country,” said Rodriguez. “It could save your life.”

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Facebook Announces Ban On All Religious Posts, Images

SANTA BARBARA, California – 

Mark Zuckerberg announced this morning during a public forum that Facebook, the world’s number-one most trafficked website, would be soon putting a block on all religious-themed material, including posts, videos, images, and more.

“We are working diligently to keep Facebook a trigger-free zone,” said Zuckerberg. “We’re starting with religion, because as everyone knows, that is the cause of all the world’s problems. After we square that away, we will start removing posts about other triggers, such as feminism, rape, workplace issues, college, bad music, bad TV, bad movies, and so on.”

Zuckerberg says that his plan is to make a website that is so stale and boring, that its users are forced to enjoy it, in what he calls “twisted logic.”

“You see, when a user comes to the site now, they are usually angry. They come to make posts about their bad day, the horrible TV show episode from last night, the new movie trailer they can’t stand,” said Zuckerberg. “We will be taking all of that away. It will be the world’s safe space.”

 

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Samsung Develops New TV Set That Will Literally Babysit Your Children

baby-watching-tv

JAPAN – 

Samsung International has announced a new television set that they plan to release sometime in the first quarter of 2017, and they say it is “revolutionary” in its abilities.

“For years, parents have used the television as a babysitter for their children,” said Samsung developer of Product Toshiro Hokinama. “Whether they were too lazy, too tired, or too interested in where to get their next fix, parents have been plopping their annoying children in front of the screen since the 50s. Now, we’ve taken the idea of a TV as a babysitter and shot it into the 21st century.”

Hokinama went on to explain that the TV would be fixed with cameras in the front and sides, and would allow parents to monitor their children from mobile devices anywhere they could get WiFi of 4G connections. Going a step further, though, was the televisions ability to interact with the children themselves.

“The TV will talk to your child. It will ask him or her what they want to watch. It will show them colors and shapes and beautiful images whenever an actual program is not airing,” said Hokinama. “It will also be able to sternly discipline your children when they are not listening or if they start to wander off. We are considering developing robotic arms for higher-end models that would actually be able to deliver a swift slap to the bum of your child, if it’s needed.”

 

 

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Snopes.com EXPOSED! You Won’t BELIEVE Their Hidden Agenda!

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ATLANTA –

Snopes.com, which has long been one of the internet’s go-to websites for fact checking about far-fetched or incredible stories, was exposed by a group of Anonymous hackers who were able to break into the website’s files, and steal pertinent information about their secret agenda.

“As it turns out, the creators of Snopes are actual Reptilians, who are using their long-running website to spread misinformation and push their secret, hidden, commercial and business agendas,” said a posting made to Reddit by Anonymous. “Although it would seem that much of the information they provide is true, it is actually leading you away from the real truth, to cover for major conspiracies.”

According to Anonymous, the creators of snopes have “no background” and “no history” before the website was created, and indeed have no web presence outside of their names listed on the website. A full background check was completed, and the names were not listed anywhere before 1996.

“We’re still checking into who these people ‘really’ are, and what their full plans are. We’ll get them,” said the posting.

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Study Shows Exactly How Much Human Meat Is In A McDonald’s Burger

McDonald’s history is not a good one, and fast food restaurants are already known to have a lot of “mystery” ingredients, but this rumor tops the list. This disturbing audio admission in the youtube video below will make you cringe, as the interview between James Wickstrom and Rabbi Finkelstein discussed the gruesome practices of the type of “meat” used at McDonald’s.

 Rabbi Finkelstein says that their tradition of blood sacrifice has been going on for thousands and thousands of years. “We take the children of the enemy, which is the white race, we bring them to the basements of the synagogues where we drain them, similar to kosher butchering. Then we send them off to the meat grinders, where they end up in the McDonald’s hamburgers and sausages.”

He explains that these children are sent to meat grinder facilities and sold off to McDonald’s for a profit. Since most of these meat grinding facilities are by the Mexican border line, many of the employees are illegal immigrants and are willing to keep their mouths closed about this information because they are making a good living to send home to their families. Rabbi Finkelstein has no problem telling the interviewer, “You are eating your children every day”.

SHARE with your friends and COMMENT …. Did it really happen??

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(via: Now 8 News)

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Wal-Mart Sued For Adding Wood Pulp To Parmesan Cheese

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LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – 

Walmart’s Great Value food brand has been slapped by a lawsuit over a cheese product it sold that allegedly contained wood pulp.

The plaintiff, Marc Moschetta, claims he was induced to purchase Great Value’s “100% Grated Parmesan Cheese” at a premium price because he believed it was, indeed, 100 percent cheese. But it contains 7 to 10 percent cellulose — a filler and anti-clumping agent derived from wood chips — according to a complaint filed last week, which accuses the retail brand of deceptive business practices.

The lawsuit seeks a jury trial and alleges “material misrepresentations” under New York law and laws in 42 other states. The 8-ounce cheese costs $2.98 on Walmart.com.

“We know earning customer trust starts with high standards for the products we carry,” Walmart spokesman Randy Hargrove told CNBC. “We take this matter seriously. We will review the allegations once we have received the complaint and will respond appropriately with the court.”

Moschetta says that he is mostly mad because he was “really looking forward” to enjoying a big plate of his mom’s spaghetti for dinner, and it was ruined by pine-tasting pieces.

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Cheez-It Crackers Contain Highly Addictive Additive, Many Are Boycotting Product

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Cheese lovers are boycotting the popular snack Cheeze-Its due to concerns about the addictive nature of the crackers, as well as some of the ingredients.

Cheez-It brand crackers contain the preservative TBHQ, which is made from butane and is dangerous to consume. BHQ, tertiary butylhydroquinone, is a synthetic antioxidant that is commonly used as a food preservative. TBHQ contains a butyl moiety which some consumers, with no knowledge of chemisty, fear is related to butane.

TBHQ has been banned in Japan, but the FDA and the European Food Safety Authority both classify TBHQ as a safe food additive.

Cheez-It has released a statement on its facebook page, addressing the many consumer concerns.

“Thanks for reaching out. We appreciate you sharing your concerns. These ingredients are antioxidants which prevent the food from spoiling. If you want to eat bad, stale crackers we suggest you find an ‘all-natural’ brand. We pride ourselves in the flavor and freshness of our product and add the least amount of preservatives necessary to keep our cracker from tasting like straight cheesy shit. We know some consumers are unnecessarily paranoid and are looking at a number of natural alternatives to ensure the same flavor and freshness in our foods. Good luck.”

The company maintains that the reason their crackers are so addictive is because “they’re fucking delicious, and everyone loves cheese.”

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Subway Employee Who Drugged Police Officer’s Drink Also Ejaculated Into Spicy Mayo Sauce

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ATLANTA, Georgia –

A sandwich shop employee accused of drugging a police officer’s drink earlier this month has admitted he also contaminated the spicy mayo sauce with his semen.

It’s been more than a week since 18-year-old Tanis Ukena was arrested.

Investigators told The Associated Press they didn’t feel comfortable pressing charges until lab results are returned to confirm what was in the drink.

Initial tests indicated meth and THC were present in the beverage.

Ukena denies putting drugs in the officer’s drink, although he did admit to masturbating into the spicy mayo, after police officers said they would find out the truth in labs, and he “better fess up.”

Ukena says that he did not use the spicy mayo when making officer’s sandwich and the mayonnaise-masturbation incident was unrelated.

“I was just bored and unscrewing the cap, I thought – ‘maybe that would feel good.’ I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. Also my lawyer has advised me to say I respect police and any use of force by police is justified in my book.”

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