Category Archives: Faux Report

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Faux Report

Ben & Jerry To Stop Making Ice Cream In Protest After Bernie Sanders Backs Hillary Clinton

bj

BURLINGTON, Vermont – 

Ice cream giants Ben & Jerry’s has said that they will immediately halt production of all of their ice cream and products until senator Bernie Sanders recants his endorsement of Hillary Clinton.

“We have supported Sanders since the beginning, and there is no better candidate to run this country in this election,” said company spokesman George Rodgers. “With this giant upset, we have decided that no one, Republican or Democrat, will get to enjoy our delicious ice cream anymore, until an agreement can be reached that Clinton supports Bernie in this election, and not the other way around.”

Thousands of people have been seen in grocery and convenience stores around the country, loading up on as much ice cream as possible before there is none available.

“There’s no way in hell that Clinton ever supports Sanders, not on your life,” said Sanders supporter Michael Glenn. “I love Sanders, but damnit, I love ice cream even more. And there is none better than Phish Food.”

According to suppliers, there is about 2 weeks worth of ice cream already produced and en route to retailers, but that all of the company’s 4 distribution centers have already been closed.

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Faux Report

Reagan’s Would Be Assassin John Hinkley Jr. Released From Psych Hospital

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Former president Ronald Regan had an assassination attempt made on his life in 1981 by John Hinkley Jr., who claimed at the time of his arrest that he was trying to kill the president to impress actress Jodi Foster, who he had become enamored with after seeing her in the film Taxi Driver. 

Hinkley was released from his psych hospital today, and is now free and clear to walk the streets. Empire News met up with Hinkley upon his release, and he was decidedly chipper and happy to be living as a free man again.

“I am so excited to see what the world is like now, outside of those four walls,” said Hinkley. “I understand that we have a black president now, which is crazy to me. I’ve also heard, already, that there is a woman running for president. Apparently a lot has changed.”

Hinkley says that he has no intentions of assassinating any other presidents, now that Reagan has already died.

“From what I’ve read about current candidate Donald Trump’s campaign, it seems that there is likely an assassination to happen in the near future if he’s elected, but it certainly won’t be by me.” Hinkley seemed excited about the prospects of life outside of the hospital, and will be sent to live with his mother.

Actress and director Jodi Foster says that was never impressed by Hinkley’s attempt on the president’s life, and that she hopes he will find a new muse to impress if he decides to visit the movies again.

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Faux Report

Reagan’s Would Be Assassin John Hinkley Jr. Released From Psych Hospital

hinkley

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Former president Ronald Regan had an assassination attempt made on his life in 1981 by John Hinkley Jr., who claimed at the time of his arrest that he was trying to kill the president to impress actress Jodi Foster, who he had become enamored with after seeing her in the film Taxi Driver. 

Hinkley was released from his psych hospital today, and is now free and clear to walk the streets. Empire News met up with Hinkley upon his release, and he was decidedly chipper and happy to be living as a free man again.

“I am so excited to see what the world is like now, outside of those four walls,” said Hinkley. “I understand that we have a black president now, which is crazy to me. I’ve also heard, already, that there is a woman running for president. Apparently a lot has changed.”

Hinkley says that he has no intentions of assassinating any other presidents, now that Reagan has already died.

“From what I’ve read about current candidate Donald Trump’s campaign, it seems that there is likely an assassination to happen in the near future if he’s elected, but it certainly won’t be by me.” Hinkley seemed excited about the prospects of life outside of the hospital, and will be sent to live with his mother.

Actress and director Jodi Foster says that was never impressed by Hinkley’s attempt on the president’s life, and that she hopes he will find a new muse to impress if he decides to visit the movies again.

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Faux Report

Ice Bucket Challenge For ALS Leads To Earth-Shattering Medical Discovery

Teenage Girl Dies of Hypothermia After Taking Part In 'Ice Bucket Challenge'

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Last year, the ALS ice bucket challenge viral videos ran rampant across the internet, and brought in millions of dollars for Lou Gehrig’s Disease research. In a decidedly crazy twist, it seems that money has been used to find and diagnose an entirely different disease, and it’s one that could change the face of medicine forever.

Researcher Jordan Marsh says that the ALS videos and the money raised by them has helped them to discover a new breakthrough in a specific virus that has been plaguing the world, but has yet to be contained.

“We used the ALS money to look into the root of this long-standing virus, and thankfully, we have been able to pinpoint where it began, and also how to contain it from spreading further,” said Marsh. “It’s one for the books, for sure.”

For the books it will be, because as of this time, Marsh is not saying what discovery they have made.

“At this time, I am just going to say that it’s a huge deal, and we are very excited, but we want to get all the information out at once, and accurately, so you’ll have to wait until our findings are released in the National Book Of Medical Journals.”

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Faux Report

Ice Bucket Challenge For ALS Leads To Earth-Shattering Medical Discovery

Teenage Girl Dies of Hypothermia After Taking Part In 'Ice Bucket Challenge'

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Last year, the ALS ice bucket challenge viral videos ran rampant across the internet, and brought in millions of dollars for Lou Gehrig’s Disease research. In a decidedly crazy twist, it seems that money has been used to find and diagnose an entirely different disease, and it’s one that could change the face of medicine forever.

Researcher Jordan Marsh says that the ALS videos and the money raised by them has helped them to discover a new breakthrough in a specific virus that has been plaguing the world, but has yet to be contained.

“We used the ALS money to look into the root of this long-standing virus, and thankfully, we have been able to pinpoint where it began, and also how to contain it from spreading further,” said Marsh. “It’s one for the books, for sure.”

For the books it will be, because as of this time, Marsh is not saying what discovery they have made.

“At this time, I am just going to say that it’s a huge deal, and we are very excited, but we want to get all the information out at once, and accurately, so you’ll have to wait until our findings are released in the National Book Of Medical Journals.”

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Witnesses At RNC Say One of Trump’s Daughters Assaulted Heidi Cruz, Security Removed Both From Convention

CLEVELAND, Ohio – 

According to several rumors coming out of the RNC, one of Trump’s daughters was seen assaulting Ted Cruz’s wife, Heidi, during a break at the Republican National Convention, prompting security to remove them both from the floor.

According to mainstream media, security was asked to remove Heidi Cruz from the floor for her own safety after the crowd began booing and jeering her husband during his speech. Witnesses at the event, though, say that’s not the reason at all.

“It wasn’t just Heidi that was taken away, it was also one of the Trump girls as well,” said reporter Mike Kennedy. “I was too far away to hear what they were arguing about, but Ms. Trump was definitely angry, and she spit right in Heidi Cruz’s face. Cruz actually reached back and slapped her across the face, and Trump pushed her to the floor. It all happened in a matter of seconds before security swept them away.”

Ted Cruz has refused to honor his commitment to back Republican nominee Donald Trump, and many are saying that the spat between families is what may have caused the assault on the RNC floor.

“I was standing only a couple feet away, and it was vicious,” said a man who was there, but who wished to remain anonymous. “Trump had definitely been drinking. To be honest, I don’t know which daughter it was. His entire family looks the same. Sort of orange with ugly hair. It could have been Donald in drag for all I know. Anyway, Trump scolded Heidi Cruz for not helping to support Donald Trump as he received, officially, the nomination, and Heidi yelled back. It was intense. I only wish I had gotten video.”

Mainstream news outlets have yet to pick up on the story, and most are assuming Trump and Cruz are working to have it covered up, as it negatively effects both of their families. Neither Donald Trump or Ted Cruz could be reached for comment.

 

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Faux Report

Police Forces Dwindle Across The Country As Violence Against Cops Continues

police

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

“I signed up to be a police officer the second I turned 18-years-old, and I thought I’d have this career forever, but there’s no way in hell I’m going to get shot over some bullshit,” said former policeman Joel Waives, 27. “I loved what I was doing, and it’s always been a dangerous job, but as a white guy with a badge, I’m not taking any chances that some hood will shoot me.”

Police Unions across the country have said that they are losing officers in record numbers, after several shootings across the country have led over 20 cops dead, all at the hands of violent criminals looking for “revenge” for shootings by police of civilians.

“The job is hard, and it’s definitely stressful. I’ve never had to pull out my gun before in over 30 years on the job, but this week alone I’ve had to pull it 16 times,” said police chief Mark Wallace. “It’s getting to the point where I don’t know if I’m going to make it home at night. It used to be that only big cities had shootings like this, but I’m in Des Moines. Why the hell should I have to worry about being shot by someone because they were driving over the speed limit?”

To counter the record number of people leaving the force, police unions have been looking to hire new recruits, with many offering new, better benefits.

“If you’re a racist who wants to carry a big gun and talk a big game, then by all means, please sign up,” said Wallace. “We need more people who aren’t afraid to pop a cap in a black man just because he’s wearing a hoodie. We can overcome this violence with more violence. There’s no other way.”

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Pokemon Go Game Leads To 45 Car Pile-Up On Arizona Highway

pokemon

PHOENIX, Arizona – 

A 46-year-old man, Nathan Winter, was charged with reckless endangerment and negligent homicide after he caused a 45 car pile-up while playing the popular cell phone game Pokemon Go.

Police say that Winter was not paying attention to the road and his attention was diverted as he tried to catch a Meowth while driving down the Phoenix I-75 highway when he rear-ended a Mack truck, causing a vicious accident that caused 4 deaths and countless injuries.

“In retrospect, it was a really bad idea,” said Winter, who says he had just downloaded the game earlier in the day. “My daughter was playing, and it seemed kind of fun, so I wanted to check it out, too. 3 hours of playing, and I was hooked. I was on my way home when my phone vibrated, and it said there was Meowth around. It happened to be right on the bumper of the eighteen wheeler in front of me. Sadly, I wasn’t paying attention, and slammed right into it trying to catch him.”

Police say that the Pokemon Go game has become extremely viral, and although has caused several injuries from people not paying attention to their surroundings while playing, this is the first case of major death. Nintendo, who is the company behind the game, could not be reached for comment.

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Terrorists Sending People Infected With ‘Black Death’ To U.S. As Form of Chemical Warfare

blackdetah

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The CDC has released a warning for doctors to screen patients with flu-like symptoms for the pneumonic plague, after ISIS has threatened biological warfare.

The disease, caused by a bacterium called Yersinia pestis, most often is transmitted to humans through rodent flea bites or by handling infected animals. Pneumonic plague differs from bubonic plague in its symptoms and the fact that it can be spread through the air rather than just by contact.

Unlike bubonic plague, pneumonic plague can be spread from person to person. According to the CDC, “Pneumonic plague affects the lungs and is transmitted when a person breathes in Y. pestis particles in the air.”

Usually associated with the massive waves of “black death” that swept across Europe during the Middle Ages, the plague still occurs occasionally in the United States, though it is treatable with modern antibiotics.

Although the disease is treatable, terrorists may try to catch people off guard. Pneumonic plague is one of the most pathogenic microbes in the world. Symptoms are sudden and similar to a violent flu, followed by lessions in the groin, armpit, and neck lessons. Eventually the fingers and toes turn black from lack of circulation followed by uncontrollable seizures and death within 36 hours. The CDC advises anyone with these symptoms insist they are tested for pneumonic plague.

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Aspartame Addicts Brow Beat Pepsi Into Bringing Back The Artificial Sweetener

dietpepsi

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Diet Pepsi’s divorce from artificial sweetener aspartame didn’t last long. Customers who swear they can taste the difference between the old and new diet Pepsi demanded they bring back aspartame, and fearing they will lost sales to Coke, PepsiCo has complied.

PepsiCo said Monday that it would reintroduce a version of Diet Pepsi made with aspartame, which it had abandoned last year following public pressure over questions about the sweetener’s health effects.

Long time diet Pepsi drinking Irwin Erwin wrote multiple letters demanding the return of his favorite drink. “These health nuts are taking away everything good in America. So what if aspartame causes cancer? Everything causes cancer these days. If I want to drink my diet Pepsi, while smoking a cigarette and eating a pack of nitrate laden hot dogs, that’s my right as an American.”

The new offering, sweetened with aspartame and Ace-K, will be called Diet Pepsi Classic Sweetener Blend and will be offered in 12-packs, 2-liter bottles and 20-ounce bottles. Diet Pepsi sweetened with sucralose and Ace-K — the version that replaced the aspartame kind in summer 2015 — will remain as Pepsi’s primary calorie-free cola, including in fountain drinks.

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Amazon Breaking Into Alcohol Sales Using New Dash Button

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SEATTLE, Washington – 

Amazon’s one-click Dash program will soon be expanding, including an option to order Pabst Blue Ribbon. The retail giant will be adding “dozens of new brands” to the service, which already offers a wide range of items from toilet paper and diapers to drinks and pet food.

Introduced last March, the Dash button was designed to offer faster, simpler ordering for members of its $99-per year Amazon Prime service. As opposed to opening up Amazon on a computer or phone, users would order a Dash button and then simply press it to reorder that particular item. In the year since the company first announced the product, Dash has grown to include over 100 brands. To celebrate the product’s one year anniversary the company in March added several big names. Among them: Brawny, Charmin, Clorox, Doritos, Energizer, Lysol, Peet’s Coffee, Playtex, Purina, Red Bull, Starbucks, Trojan, and Vitamin Water.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is particularly excited about the new beer option. “Dash for Pabst Blue Ribbon is going to save lives, especially in areas with same day delivery. No longer will alcoholics have to drive to the liquor store. They’ll order discounted cases from us, and when they’re getting low, all they need to do is hit a button.”

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Class Action Suit Being Filed Against Starbucks For Ripping Off Customers

U.S. Health Department Says Starbucks Coffee More Addicting Than Crack

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Starbucks has been accused of ripping customers off by under-filling customers’ cups, and a class action suit will press for damages. If successful anyone who purchased Starbucks between 2011-2016 will be able to claim free products or receive a cash refund of an undetermined amount. According to the suit, customers have been ripped off up to three ounces per cup, due to intentional underfill.

Outraged customer Lillith Grace says she feels entitled to a cash reward. “Starbucks sizes have a corresponding ounce equivalent. If you’re not getting it, you’re being ripped off. If you pay for something and don’t get it, you should be compensated.”

Other customers disagree with the suit. “I’ve experienced this problem and I solved it by taking the drink back to the barista and asking for more coffee to be added since the drink was almost half foam. It’s sad that this constitutes a problem in America. I doubt people in other countries are worried about too much foam in their coffee drinks,” says Chris Tibette.

A former employee, Melody Joy says the cups are underfilled to prevent spillage. “I worked for Starbucks and we left the room in the cups so the drinks are not so easily spilled. Starbucks would be sued if they filled them to the brim and people got burnt or ruined their clothes. Variables such as cream or foam require room to be left at the top to add them. Without that space it makes it impossible for the customer to handle their drink if it’s too full. If your cup isn’t full enough tell the barista at that time!”

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Overturning Of Texas Abortion Law Brings Rise In Old Fashioned Coat Hanger Abortions

abortion

DALLAS, Texas – 

Old fashioned coat-hanger abortions will be legal in Texas once again, after the Supreme Court delivered its most significant ruling on abortion in a generation Monday, striking down restrictions on Texas clinics and doctors that had created roadblocks for thousands of women and giving abortion rights advocates hope of beating back similar laws in other states.

“We conclude that neither of these provisions offers medical benefits sufficient to justify the burdens upon access that each imposes,” Breyer wrote in his 40-page ruling. “Each places a substantial obstacle in the path of women seeking a pre-viability abortion, each constitutes an undue burden on abortion access … and each violates the federal Constitution.”

Proponents of the stricter laws said they did not intend to prevent abortions in Texas, only make them safer for women. “We wanted abortions to be restricted to surgical grade facilities, but pro-choice activists apparently don’t care if a woman gets an abortion with rusty unsterile tools or a coat hanger for that matter,” says Kyle DeLeon, a supporter of the tougher regulations.

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Police Calling For Stricter Gun Control After Woman Shoots Intruder

gun cotrol

PORTLAND, Oregon –

Politicians say a recent incident where a woman shot an intruder in self defense is a case-in-point example of why there needs to be stricter gun control laws. A woman who returned to her Portland, Ore., home with her two children early Sunday morning shot and killed an intruder who was in the home, police said.

The woman, 33, found a stranger in the bedroom of one of her children about 1:45 a.m. PT Sunday. Police said the victim came home with her children ages 5 and 10, and armed with a handgun, she shot and killed the unknown 59-year-old man.

Police said the woman is cooperating with investigators and was not arrested. The investigation will determine whether she acted in self-defense and whether she will face charges.

Authorities say once the investigation is complete, it will be presented to the Multnomah County District Attorney’s Office for review.

An autopsy will be conducted Monday. The name of the man will not be released until his family is notified, police said.

Chief Luke Barkley says ordinary citizens should not take the law in their own hands. “The proper protocol would be to call 911 and wait for police to arrive. Don’t try to be a hero. This tragedy could have likely been avoided.”

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