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Faux Report

President Trump Outlaws ‘Fake News,’ CNN Staff Arrested

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump signed executive order HS-666 on Friday, completely outlawing fake news. A memorandum to the order outlined specifically outlets that were deemed to be liars, and people who worked for those media stations were immediately taken into police custody.

Top-level executives at CNN, MSNBC, and The Onion were all taken in by police for releasing “fake news stories” to the public, and charged with currently unknown crimes.

“This new order is a disgrace to all of us who write real news, and are being labeled as fake by a bullish president,” said a representative for CNN. “It’s a sad day when we are coupled in with The Onion. No offense to them. They’re kind of funny sometimes. But the fact that anyone thinks that CNN is writing the same kind of news as The Onion? That’s absurd.”

Trump reportedly plans to continue his raids of fake news organizations, and says he is “very pleased” with the initial work that police forces have done to implement his order.

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Faux Report

Woman In Uganda Confirmed To Be Over 200-Years Old

UGANDA – 

A woman living in a village in Uganda has been confirmed to be over 200-years-old by genealogists, researchers, and archivists who have looked into the woman’s lineage.

The woman, who does not remember her own name, is officially the oldest person to have ever lived. She was born in the same village in Uganda she currently lives, and says she has “never left.”

“I have lived long, I am tired. I have never gone away, this is what I know,” she said. “I am happy to be here. I am not happy to be so old. Wish I was dead. All my family, they are dead. I have had 18 children, 47 grandchildren, and 163 great-grandchildren, and they are all gone now. I’m sad. Kill me, please.”

Researchers say that they have “no idea” how it’s possible that she has lived so long, but have confirmed through genetic testing that she is, indeed, 204-years-old, having been born in 1806.

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Faux Report

Obama Plans To Run For President Again in 2020 After Lawyers Dig Up Legal Loophole

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Former president Barack Obama has announced that he will be seeking to the White House once more in 2020, after a massive team of lawyers hired by Obama have dug up a legal loophole that will allow him to serve more than 2 terms.

“It was a lot of work, and I’ve had this team of over 40 lawyers working on this for 3 years,” said Obama. “I knew that they would eventually be able to find a way to get me back in, and we have found one. I am now eligible to run for a third term, possibly more if I am re-elected, and I can save this country from what is a whirlwind downfall with Trump in office.”

Obama did not elaborate on how he was able to run for a third term, except to say that it was a “complicated matter” that has been confirmed by “the best lawyers in the world.”

President Trump has not commented publicly on Obama’s plans, but the commander-in-chief did say that he will beat “anyone” who runs against him in 2020, no matter who it is.

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Faux Report

Donald Trump Wants to ‘Co-President’ With Obama To Help Better Learn Job

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump has said that he would like to hire Barack Obama to come back and work in the White House, and be his “co-President,” which he says is different from the Vice President, in that he wants to have someone who has already done the job, and “done it perfectly,” to help him learn the ropes.

“Despite our differences, it is quite obvious that my predecessor was extremely talented in his duties as President,” said Trump. “Obviously, I’m doing great things. I want to keep doing great things. No one wants to do more great things than I do. And I think the best way to do great things, and make America Great, is to hire someone who can be my right-hand man, and help get that done. That man is Barack Obama.”

Trump’s approval rating since taking office has been the lowest in history, and he says that because of this, a drastic change had to occur.

“I’m glad that Donnie has seen how difficult this is, and that he has reached out,” said Obama. “I am extremely grateful that he has shown to be a bigger man than I thought, and has reached out across the aisle, even, to help keep this country great. I’m with him 100%”

 

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Faux Report

CNN Loses FCC License After Trump Declares Them ‘Fake News’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Donald Trump has rung the death toll for the Cable News Network. According to recently filed documents, the once mega-giant news channel will be losing their FCC licenses, forcing them to stop broadcast on April 1. The blow comes after Trump declared the company ‘fake news,’ and blacklisted them from attending White House press conferences.

“CNN is the worst network on television today, and nothing they say about me is true,” said President Trump. “The only network worth watching is Fox News. They are true. They say true things, and they say the best things. CNN is the worst, and everything they say is fake news.”

After Trump declared the channel to be fake news, their ratings plummeted to the lowest in cable television history, with only around 100 to 150 people even tuning into the channel on a daily basis.

“We are saddened that Trump has chosen our network to the be the scapegoat for his War on Truth,” said CNN head Carl Nelson. “Because of his lies about our network, we have lost our licenses, and lost our ability to broadcast. Effective April 1st, we will no longer be on the air.”

Nelson says they are trying to convince the FCC that they should be allowed to continue broadcasting, but the FCC says that they are “not interested” in listening to any fake news, either.

“President Trump has informed us that CNN should not be listened to, so we’re not going to,” said FCC chairman Joel Winters. “We’re a government agency. We do what we’re told. I’m not losing my job over this shit.”

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Faux Report

Lost City of Atlantis Uncovered In Mediterranean Sea

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BAZOS, Croatia – 

A team of explorers who have been searching for the lost city of Atlantis for the better part of 30 years have reportedly discovered the ruins of the Mecca, located approximately 30 miles beneath the surface of the Mediterranean Sea, directly off the coast of Croatia.

According to the research team, there is more than $300 billion worth of lost treasures within the city, not to mention the city itself.

“People have been searching for Atlantis for hundreds of years, with many thinking that it may never have existed at all,” said Mark Kempf, lead of the expedition. “Through hundreds of hours of research in books before setting out on our trip, we were able to locate the approximate area where we believed the city to be, and after repeated attempts to reach the area, we were finally successful last week.”

Kempf says that it will become “increasingly difficult” to have many people visit the area, as he believes the more people that know the area, the fewer treasures there will be.

“Oh, the place will definitely be overrun with pirates very quickly, which is why we are not releasing the city’s exact location at this time,” said Kempf. “This discovery will definitely put my children’s children’s children through college, though.”

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Faux Report

VP Mike Pence Reportedly Addicted To ‘Penis Enlargement’ Pills

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to an unnamed ex-girlfriend, Vice President Mike Pence has been addicted to “penis enlargement” pills for the better part of 30 years.

“He started taking them when we were together,” said the unnamed woman, who claims to have dated Pence for ‘about 4 years’ in the early 80s. “He was so upset by the underwhelming size of his member. He knew that I’d dated some black guys when I was in college, and he was obsessed with measuring up. Unfortunately, they never seemed to do any good.”

The woman would not elaborate on the exact size of Pence’s penis, but did say that it was ‘among the tiniest’ she had ever seen.

“He used to eat the damn pills like candy. It was kind of disturbing, to be honest,” said the ex. “I never complained about his size to him, or about our sex life, but he still couldn’t stop taking them. What the man really should have been taking is Viagra. He never could keep it up around me. I often wondered if he was secretly gay. But he hasn’t tried to electroshock himself that I know of, so that last part is probably just speculation.”

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Faux Report

Girls Scouts Approved To Begin Selling Marijuana Cookies In Multiple States

DENVER, Colorado – 

The Girls Scouts of America have officially been given the ‘green light’ to begin selling marijuana edible cookies in states where the drug has been legalized. Starting in April of 2017, Girl Scout troupes in Maine, Colorado, Massachusetts, and Washington D.C., among others, will be able to sell edibles.

“Our cookies have long been a favorite of stoners nationwide,” said Girl Scouts of America president Jane Marshall. “With the legalization of recreational marijuana in several states, we decided it was time to really open ourselves up to the marijuana community. That is why we created two new products to be sold in legalized states.”

Marshall says that they will be creating Samosas and Thin Mints, their top-selling cookies, that are infused with the marijuana plant.

“These cookies will be made available only to adults, aged 21 or older, and they will only be available for purchase through the parents of a Girl Scout troupe. The children themselves will not be able to sell or consume these cookies,” said Marshall. “We are very happy with how these cookies have come out, and we think they will be a huge boost to the fundraising these girls do every year.”

Yearly sales of Girl Scout Cookies total approximately $700 million. This year, the plan is to surpass the $1 billion mark.

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Faux Report

Trump Administration Plans To Legalize ‘Most Drugs’ Including Heroin To Help Stop Addiction

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In a new statement from the White House, President Trump has said that he plans to work with states to help tackle harsh drug addiction by doing what he did to quit smoking nearly 30 years ago.

“I used to smoke, and it disgusted even me,” said President Trump. “The only way I was able to quit was to smoke until I puked I smoked about 9 packs in a matter of an hour. I never wanted to smoke again. I strongly believe that the best way to kick a habit is to overdo it. If you want to kick heroin or meth or cocaine, you just have to do an obscene amount of it. Legalizing drugs will help.”

Despite Trump’s health advisors explaining the drastic consequences this could have, Trump is reportedly undeterred.

“I also used to do a lot of cocaine. The only way I kicked that habit was by flying to Colombia and doing lines of pure white off the back of a hooker,” said Trump. “Sometimes, abundance is the only way to really flush something out of your system.”

Although Trump plans to sign an executive order later this week legalizing non-prescription drugs for use by anyone over the age of 18, there is bound to be an extreme backlash from anti-drug groups.

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Faux Report

Parents Arrested After It Was Found They Had Been Tattooing Their Infant

BANGOR, Maine – 

A couple has been arrested after it was reported to CPS that they were using their infant son as a “canvas” to practice their tattooing.

Kyle Bruce, 28, and his girlfriend, Felicia Rogers, 22, were taken into police custody after a neighbor in their apartment building heard “hours of a baby crying, and tattoo machines running.”

“Mr. Bruce and Ms. Rogers were arrested after we discovered that they had purchased tattoo equipment from the internet, and were practicing on their baby, 7-month-old Caleb,” said Police Chief Rick Simmons.

In Maine, purchasing and using tattoo equipment without a license is a criminal offense, and the couple added to their crimes with felony assault and endangerment of a minor.

“Their apartment was disgusting, and the child is lucky that he did not get an infection,” said Chief Simmons. “I have confirmed with doctors that Caleb is going to be okay. Sadly, he is just going to be stuck with really bad tattoos as if he were perpetually stuck in the 90s – birds, tribal tattoos, and a tear drop.”

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Faux Report

Study Finds Trump Voters Have Drastically Lower IQ Than Liberals

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After Donald Trump was elected President, a group of researchers at the Pentagon set into motion a study unlike any other – they wanted to find out the average IQ of a group that would elect such an unqualified person into office.

Working with over 10,000 confirmed Trump voters and 10,000 confirmed non-Trump voters, researchers gave standardized intelligence quotient tests to each group. There was no time limit to complete the test, and it was given twice over a week-long period.

“The results of the testing, while not at all surprising, prove that Trump voters are drastically behind liberals and non-Trump voters on an intellectual basis,” said Dr. Carl Brewner, who headed the study. “The test was 200 questions, and each completed test gave us an average IQ score based on answers. On average, a Trump voter would score in the 30th percentile, or have an average intelligence level of about 71, far below the 90 to 110 that is considered ‘normal.’ A non-Trump voter would score an average of approximately 96.”

The research team claims that their test is ‘fairly conclusive,’ and they feel that even if they tested every single one of the millions of Trump voters, they’d come up with similar results.

“It was quite obvious to everyone that anyone who would vote for Donald Trump must be pretty stupid,” said Brewner. “Just look at the stupid things they say and do in your timeline on Facebook every single day. Now, though, we don’t even have to rely on just physical evidence of their stupidity via comments and posts and memes – we have the actual scientific data to back up how dumb they really are.”

 

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Faux Report

‘Cash Me Outside’ Girl Revealed To Actually Be 45-Year-Old Man

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Danielle Bregoli, better known as the “cash me outside” or “catch me outside” girl who was made famous by her atrocious behavior and fake street-girl accent on the Dr. Phil Show, has been revealed to be an actor, 45-year-old Danny Meyers.

Meyers is a YouTube sensation, who said that he started the character of Danielle on his channel, and it didn’t really catch on.

“When I took her to national TV, that’s when this entire thing really started to pay off,” said Meyers. “I really didn’t think it was going to blow up like it did, but it ended up being hilarious.”

Meyers is known for his extensive pranks and characters from his YouTube series, Pranks and Characters, and he says the character of the “cash me outside” girl just came naturally.

“I used to watch me sister and her friends get ready for a night on the town, and they ended up just spending the whole time putting on too much makeup and talking shit about boys and trying to act tough,” said Meyers. “I come from Stamford, Connecticut. There is nobody hard in Connecticut.”

Meyers appeared on the Dr. Phil Show twice as Danielle, and even went through an entire 3-week course at a camp to deter wayward youth.

“Being on that ranch was tough, I’m not going to lie. There were several times I wanted to give up, tell them it was all a joke, and move on,” said Meyers. “But I stuck it out. I figured I owed Dr. Phil that much for making me famous.”

There was no comment made from Meyers about who played Danielle’s mother on the Dr. Phil Show, or if he plans to retire the character now that he has outed himself.

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Faux Report

Finger-Chop Challenge Spreads Across Social Media To Protest Trump

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The “Finger-Chop Challenge” has begun to spread across social media, with teens and college students reportedly cutting off their fingers in an effort to raise awareness about the “evils of Donald Trump” as President.

“Trump is a disgusting, sick, orange bigot,” said Maria Lambert, 19, a college sophomore at Dartmouth. “I chopped off all of my  fingers on a livestream on Facebook. I left just the middle finger on one hand, because fuck Trump, that’s why.”

Following in a dangerous trend of challenges like the cinnamon or milk gallon challenges, the new finger-chop challenge opens up an entire new world of issues for parents, as well as the teens stooping to such ignorant levels.

“My son has done the challenge 4 times, and each time, he’s cut off a new finger. He’s down to just the pinky on his left hand,” said Carl Lunger of his son, Mario Lunger, 17. “Frankly, though, I’m proud of him. He’s taking a stand against Trump, and he’s also raised a lot of awareness about Trump. Last I knew, he had over 300 views on his YouTube video.”

Health officials are warning parents, though, of the dangers of their children cutting off their own fingers for internet notoriety.

 

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Faux Report

Woman Who Ate 3 of Her Children Released From Prison After Only 2 Years

PHOENIX, Arizona – 

A 32-year-old woman, Maria Astrana, was convicted in late 2014 of cannibalizing three of her six children, and sentenced to life in prison. Surprisingly, Astrana was released from jail today after serving just slightly over two years, thanks to a bizarre technicality and typing error.

According to lawyers, Astrana’s sentenced was cut drastically short when they filed a motion to dismiss based on a typo in her official court documents.

“Ms. Astrana’s officially written sentence was typed as ‘lif (sic) without parole,'” said her lawyer, Darius Marques, Esq. “Because of this, we took her case to a new judge, who found that her sentence could not be completely verified, and as such she would be let out of prison.”

Outrage over the decision has already begun spreading across social media, with many calling out the Governor of Arizona for allowing this to happen under his watch.

“I can’t even walk across the street outside of a crosswalk without getting a ticket, and this bitch can eat some of her kids like she’s a wild animal, and only serve two years?” said Phoenix resident Alexandra Jones. “This is crazy. They might as well just do away with laws all together. The hell with it.”

Astrana says that she has already consulted with her old job, and they plan to offer to give her back her old position. She previously worked at the Lil’ Tykes Daycare center in Phoenix.

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