Category Archives: Faux Report

Faux news articles

Faux Report

‘Mr. America’ To Return To WWE After 15 Years in Retirement, Wants to ‘Drop the Leg’ on Donald Trump

mr america

STAMFORD, Connecticut – 

After near 2 decade absence, patriotic muscleman Mr. America will be making a surprise return to WWE television, with an announcement that he would be headlining a match on Monday Night Raw, the company’s flagship show.

Wearing his signature stars-and-stripes mask, with wispy blonde hair draping his neck and a fu-manchu mustache flanking his chin, the leather-skinned wrestler burst onto the scene at a WWE event in 2003. He vowed to fight for what was right in America; to fight for the rights of every man.

Mr. America’s return seems to conspicuously coincide with what is being known as one of the worst Presidents in the history of this country, and many are thinking that Mr. America is here to truly make America great again.

“Well let me tell you something, brother,” Mr. America said, “Mr. America is going to run wild all over the WWE, and if I end up running wild all the way to the White House, and I drop a leg on some tanned jabroni, well you know I’ll have a hell of a time doing it, brother. Whatcha gonna do, when Mr. America goes WILD on you, Donald Trump?!”

President Trump is a WWE Hall of Fame inductee, who is close, personal friends with company owner Vince McMahon and his family.

Mr. America is scheduled to appear next Monday on RAW.

Standard
Faux Report

A Riot In Nursing Home Leaves Dozens With Broken Hips, Police Are Still Investigating

elderly

DETROIT, Michigan – 

Complete chaos erupted at Shady Creek Assisted Living and Retirement Home community in Detroit, Michigan when a scheduled outing to Dunkin’ Donuts was canceled with no explanation. Elderly people living in that community start a riot in the center with canes and walkers, while one elderly resident was swinging his life alert necklace in the air, cutting a nurse in the face inside the facility. One couple, who managed to get outside of the facility, were caught spray painting “Fuck The Cops” outside one of the windows.

“It was complete madness, I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Nancy Reeder, head nurse. “Mr. Norman came up behind me, grabbed my arm and bit down with his teeth. As he pulled away, his dentures locked onto my skin leaving him in shock and without any teeth. That’s when I kicked him behind the knee, and he fell to the ground where I was able to restrain him.”

The incident began last week in a previous Dunkin’ Donuts outing that left 10 of the elderly residents with stomach cramps and diarrhea.

“It was an awful mess we had to clean up,” said Reeder. “Their aging stomachs can’t really handle all of that sugar. So we decided to cancel all future outings. Apparently, not all of them were in agreement.”

In all, 29 people were injured. Out of the 29, 18 were residents of Shady Creek, 5 were nurses, and 6 visitors who were caught in the chaos. None of the injuries were life-threatening – just a few broken hips, bruises, and scratches.

Standard
Faux Report

Maine Becomes the First State to Legalize Ecstasy

ecstasy

AUGUSTA, Maine – 

Maine has been in the news all year for legalizing marijuana for recreational use, and apparently legalizing weed was only the beginning. Following on the heels of the wave of marijuana legalization, some might be surprised to hear that Maine state legislature has decided to legalize the popular street drug Ecstasy. Recreational use of will become fully legal in the state by the end of this year.

The decision was met with controversy but “no more or less than the original decision to legalize marijuana,” Governor Paul LePage stated.

The state is still working out some guidelines and ground rules for suppliers, such as purity levels, permits, and health code requirements. While LePage says the vote was popular among a lot of people in the state, his decision came as a shock for many Mainers. Governor LePage did not comment on whether or not he partakes in the drug himself.

“By legalizing, monitoring, and taxing ecstasy, we will not only cut down on inmates and care costs, it will also open up a whole new job market,” LePage explains. “It’s a good situation all around, especially for taxpayers.”

Some of the most outspoken opponents, however, have been current drug dealers.

“Making it legal is a terrible idea,” a dealer, who chose to remain anonymous, told Empire News. “We don’t want regulated. We’re killing it stacking paper right now, but regular guys like me won’t be able to keep up with all the government regulations. This is gonna put me out of a job!”

Despite the negative press, experts estimate this legalization will drop the state’s debt by as much as 50% in the first year. This may translate into tax cuts, more public projects, better road maintenance, and possibly even government rehabilitation programs for more dangerous drugs like cigarettes.

“If they want people to not buy drugs legally, then for crying out loud they should shut down every Starbucks in the United States,”said LePage. “Marijuana, ecstasy, crack…hell, what’s the difference? The revenue the state will bring in, it’s astronomical. Health is one thing, but we’re talking about money here.”

Standard
Faux Report

Trump Plans To Demolish The Statue of Liberty, Says We No Longer Accept ‘Tired or Poor’

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump announced late last night that congress voted 322 to 105 in favor of dismantling the statue of liberty, due to its “misleading statements” engraved on the pedestal.

The statue reads: “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” According to Americans Against Illegal Immigration, along with our Republican Congress and Donald Trump, this statement misleads immigrants from other countries. It may have them believing they are welcome into America at any time.

“We do not want to allow the tired, poor and homeless into this country. We have enough of those already,” said President Trump. “If they’re tired, poor, and homeless in their own country, what makes you think they’ll do any better over here?Guarantee you they will go on welfare and rob people to survive. That’s what they do. I cannot Make America Great Again if we’re always feeding the hungry from other countries.”

The dismantling of the Statue of Liberty is set to begin March 1, 2018. It is estimated it will take two months to dismantle, then released for shipment back to France by the end of next year. The Statue of Liberty has been seated on Liberty Island in the middle of New York Harbor since October 28, 1886.

The New York historical Museum has already vowed to occupy the area around the historic site for a “sit in” type protest where they will handcuff one another to form a complete circle around the base of the statue.

“They cannot tear it down if we form an unbreakable human barrier,” said José Ramirez, president of the Immigrant Resource Center of New York. “As Patrick Henry said, ‘Give me liberty, or give me death!’ We are not backing down.”

Standard
Faux Report

World Health Organization Admits Over 50,000 People Accidentally Injected with Ebola Virus Instead of Flu Vaccine

ebola

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Over 50,000 people throughout the United States are on high alert this week after flu vaccines were contaminated with the Ebola virus and accidentally sent out to clinics throughout the country.

Recipients had lined up for flu vaccinations in 10 different states across the country, including California, Nevada, Arizona, Texas, Georgia, Florida, Michigan, New York, Minnesota, and Illinois.

According to a report filed at the World Health Organization, the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID) accidentally exchanged the synthetic flu vaccine for vials that contained an experimental compound of the Ebola virus. This compound contaminated nearly 50,000 doses of various vaccines, most of which were sent across the country to be used in low income clinics.

These vaccines were distributed throughout August of 2017, although the NIAID says they are not 100% sure which clinics received the “infected” doses, and that at this point in time, it’s entirely likely that all of them have been used and given to patients.

The WHO has been reaching out to people that have possibly been infected, demanding mandatory  quarantines at local FEMA camps. However, the WHO has been unavailable for comment. No specific treatment is available for Ebola infections, and the case fatality rate ranges from 80% to 100%, depending on the virus subtype.

 

Standard
Faux Report

MASSIVE Milk Recall In Place After Iodine Found in Country’s Biggest Supplier

TOPEKA, Kansas – 

A devastating report coming out of the Midwest United States this morning announces a recall of over 2.5 million gallons of milk that tested positive for iodine. The tainted milk has left at least 34 adults dead and has sickened thousands more.

Golden Tropics Farm, the world’s largest dairy farm which produces nearly 300,000 gallons of milk every day, says that 100% of their milk has tested positive for iodine. Golden Tropics has not commented on how the chemical was able to get into the milk and cause the contamination.

Symptoms of acute iodine poisoning include burning of the mouth, throat, and stomach, fever, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, a weak pulse, cyanosis, and comas.

Due to the massive amount of tainted milk that has already been sold in stores, the recall asks you simply dispose of any milk that has been purchased between August 1, 2017 and September 1, 2017 – no matter the brand, as Golden Tropics supplies nearly 400 milk brands throughout the United States.

Economists say this is the biggest milk recall in US history, and could potentially raise milk prices to nearly $15 dollars a gallon through the remainder of the year, as farms such as Golden Tropics struggle to catch up for demand.

Standard
Faux Report

White House Doctor Report Trump Has Lost Nearly 50% of Vision in Right Eye After Staring at Eclipse

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In a move that nearly everyone called “totally retarded,” President Trump stood out on the White House balcony during the solar eclipse, and stared directly into the sun. White House physician, Dr. Mark Campbell, now reports that Donald Trump has lost nearly 50% of his vision in one eye.

“President Trump was warned that staring at the sun could cause serious damage, but he assumed it was fake news,” said Dr. Campbell. “Since the eclipse, Trump’s vision has become worse and worse, with a noticeable deterioration of his retina. There is no reversing it.”

Dr. Campbell went on to say that Trump’s left eye experienced some damage as well, but that the right eye sustained the brunt of the damage.

Standard
Faux Report

If You Thought This Eclipse Was a Big Deal, Wait Until You See This ‘Moon Duplication’

WORLDWIDE – 

The Internet has been buzzing over the last couple of weeks as stargazers prepare to witness the most miraculous event seen in this generation. On September 5, 2017 the moon will appear to duplicate 37 times, with this phenomenon being visible from almost every spot on Earth. According to astronomers, this event will not recur until the year 2274, and hasn’t happened in nearly 300 years.

For those who are unaware, the Earth’s moon is positioned approximately 22 light years away from us, almost on the other end of the Milky Way, which means we don’t see the Moon the way it is visible today; we are actually seeing a version of the moon from 22 years ago. On September 5, we will see a reflection of the last 37 years due to a cosmic light anomaly from the sun’s once-in-a-lifetime alignment.

If you are as excited about this as everybody else is on the Internet, SHARE this with your friends so they do not miss this once-in-a-lifetime event. Remember, this will not happen again for nearly 260 years!

Standard
Faux Report

Prehistoric Fish Are Showing Up in Flooded Homes in Texas

FORT WORTH, Texas – 

Epic tropical storm-turned hurricane Harvey has uprooted a number of people throughout Texas, as the state gets hit with nearly 7 feet of rain, and winds reaching upwards of 100 mph.

In the mix of all the tragic news of people losing everything to flood waters, is something even more sinister. Thousands of prehistoric, long-though-extinct fish are showing up in the flooded basements and living rooms of some Texas residents.

“I went in to determine the damage, and it scared the shit right out of me,” said Darius Greene, a homeowner in Forth Worth. “It must have been about 20 feet long, and had sharp scales, like nothing I’ve ever seen, and I spent years on a boat as a deep sea fisherman. I was terrified.”

Paleontologists from around the world have been flocking to Texas to try and see how many different species they may find. So far, the oldest is a fish that is nearly 20,000 years old, and thought to have been extinct before humans even existed.

Standard
Faux Report

KKK Takes Up New Cause, Hopes To ‘Make America Straight Again’

NORTH CAROLINA – 

Protests got heated on Monday when the Ku Klux Klan marched to “Make America Straight Again.” The faction of the KKK called the “Loyal White Knights” banned together with their white brotherhood with hopes that the US will reverse their legal stance on gay marriage.

“These people are disgusting and need to be stopped,” said Jed Murry, KKK member. “Hugging and rubbing like it’s okay. It’s not okay. God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”

The march was met by opposition from the LGBTQ community that flew in to North Carolina from all over the country. “We have a right to love,” said Rita Connerly, gay activist. “We have feelings just like everyone else. We will not loose our rights to gay marriage.”

The march ended without incident.

Standard
Faux Report

Hurricane Harvey Winds Carry Trailer Over 100 Miles – With the Family Still Inside!

TULSA, Oklahoma –

A family from Tulsa, Oklahoma, underwent the scariest experience of their life yesterday, when their mobile home was carried over 130 miles by strong winds from Hurricane Harvey, landing in a rural Kansas area. Five members of the same family were inside the building during its “flight”, and all of them have miraculously survived without injuries.

41-year old Dorothy Williams, was at home with her husband, her son, and her two brothers, when their mobile home was lifted off the ground by the strongest hurricane on record.

The powerful winds reaching more than 520 miles per hour, carried and shook the mobile home for 4 hours and 18 minutes, sometimes at altitude of more than 1000 feet. After carrying the house across Northern Colorado and Southern Kansas, the tornado finally dropped it on a car, just outside of Wichita, 129.5 miles (208.5 kilometers) away from its point of origin.

A few locals have witnessed the landing, like Michael Johnson, a 63-year old neighboring farmer,  who describes an incredibly spectacular scene.

“I saw something in the sky that looked like a plane without wings” says Mr. Johnson. “I seemed to be flying clumsily towards the ground, as if it was trying to land. It was probably 300 feet from me when I finally understood the it was a mobile home, and I freaked out. It landed directly on my neighbor’s car, which partially collapsed from the shock, but still rolled for almost 100 feet after the impact. It made an incredibly loud, crashing sound, and debris was flying everywhere. I thought I was going to die.”

The 60-feet long mobile home landed on an unoccupied car. The building has suffered surprisingly little structural damage considering the distance over which it was transported.

Despite the violence of the crash, with the house landing at a speed of more than 90 miles per hour, the incident did not cause any death or serious injury. All five occupants of the house have miraculously survived their incredible misadventure, suffering only a few scratches and bruises.

Standard
Faux Report

Trump Welcomes Ku Klux Klan to White House, Burns Cross in Back Yard

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump welcomed a dozen members of the notorious white-power group, the Ku Klux Klan, to the White House on Sunday night.

The group reportedly were invited so that President Trump could “discuss the future” with them. They were also all treated to a tour of the White House, a gourmet dinner, and a cross burning in the back lawn area of the White House.

“You know, this house was built using slave labor, which to me, is the best kind of labor, because it’s free,” said Trump to the laughing klansman.

According to reports, the group partied late into the evening, and Trump had a private escort drive the Klan members to a private airfield at around 4 a.m. Monday morning.

When asked what the “future” might hold for the KKK, Trump simply said that he was trying to offer a friendly hand to open discussions.

Standard
Faux Report

Thousands Blinded By Solar Eclipse…Millions More Disappointed By Anticlimactic Event

eclipse

As the solar eclipse moves across North America, emergency rooms are filling up across the nation. Although many warnings were issued to the public not to watch the eclipse without protective eyewear, many did not head the advice and now find they have severely damaged their retinas.

Because the retinas do not have pain receptors, most did not realize they had caused damage until it was too late.

Jennifer Thompson encouraged her husband, Dave Thompson to go out and look at the eclipse, and then had to drive him to the emergency room. Dave says, “I thought don’t look at the eclipse or you’ll go blind was just silly advice like ‘don’t swallow watermelon seeds or they’ll grow in your stomach. Luckily I didn’t look for long and only have minor solar retinopathy- whatever that means. All I know is I’m going to be out of work, and we can’t afford it.”

Zang Li of New York assumed once the spots in front of his eyes went away he would be ok. He became concerned when after ten minutes his vision did not fully return. “I thought it was all some kind of conspiracy to sell those stupid glasses. And you know those glasses are just going to end up in landfills tomorrow. But I was wrong. I’m devastated. The ER doctor said I suffered burns on 80% of my retina, and it is likely my vision may never come back.”

Even more tragic than the loss of vision suffered by over 10,000 and counting, is the millions who were disappointed by the natural phenomena. Children who spent hours creating pinhole-projector eclipse viewers, only to see a lame shadow cover the sun, were left disillusioned. Zaiden Winslow, age 9, of North Carolina, says, “That sucked. I wish I had stayed inside and watched TV.”

The next solar eclipse is scheduled for 2024, and we can only hope future generations will heed this advice from 2017: IT’S NOT THAT EXCITING, but if you must watch, BUY THE STUPID GLASSES!

 

 

Standard