Category Archives: Faux Report

Faux news articles

Faux Report

World Health Organization Admits Over 50,000 People Accidentally Injected with Ebola Virus Instead of Flu Vaccine

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Over 50,000 people throughout the United States are on high alert this week after flu vaccines were contaminated with the Ebola virus and accidentally sent out to clinics throughout the country.

Recipients had lined up for flu vaccinations in 10 different states across the country, including California, Nevada, Arizona, Texas, Georgia, Florida, Michigan, New York, Minnesota, and Illinois.

According to a report filed at the World Health Organization, the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID) accidentally exchanged the synthetic flu vaccine for vials that contained an experimental compound of the Ebola virus. This compound contaminated nearly 50,000 doses of various vaccines, most of which were sent across the country to be used in low income clinics.

These vaccines were distributed throughout August of 2017, although the NIAID says they are not 100% sure which clinics received the “infected” doses, and that at this point in time, it’s entirely likely that all of them have been used and given to patients.

The WHO has been reaching out to people that have possibly been infected, demanding mandatory  quarantines at local FEMA camps. However, the WHO has been unavailable for comment. No specific treatment is available for Ebola infections, and the case fatality rate ranges from 80% to 100%, depending on the virus subtype.

 

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Faux Report

MASSIVE Milk Recall In Place After Iodine Found in Country’s Biggest Supplier

TOPEKA, Kansas – 

A devastating report coming out of the Midwest United States this morning announces a recall of over 2.5 million gallons of milk that tested positive for iodine. The tainted milk has left at least 34 adults dead and has sickened thousands more.

Golden Tropics Farm, the world’s largest dairy farm which produces nearly 300,000 gallons of milk every day, says that 100% of their milk has tested positive for iodine. Golden Tropics has not commented on how the chemical was able to get into the milk and cause the contamination.

Symptoms of acute iodine poisoning include burning of the mouth, throat, and stomach, fever, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, a weak pulse, cyanosis, and comas.

Due to the massive amount of tainted milk that has already been sold in stores, the recall asks you simply dispose of any milk that has been purchased between August 1, 2017 and September 1, 2017 – no matter the brand, as Golden Tropics supplies nearly 400 milk brands throughout the United States.

Economists say this is the biggest milk recall in US history, and could potentially raise milk prices to nearly $15 dollars a gallon through the remainder of the year, as farms such as Golden Tropics struggle to catch up for demand.

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Faux Report

White House Doctor Report Trump Has Lost Nearly 50% of Vision in Right Eye After Staring at Eclipse

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In a move that nearly everyone called “totally retarded,” President Trump stood out on the White House balcony during the solar eclipse, and stared directly into the sun. White House physician, Dr. Mark Campbell, now reports that Donald Trump has lost nearly 50% of his vision in one eye.

“President Trump was warned that staring at the sun could cause serious damage, but he assumed it was fake news,” said Dr. Campbell. “Since the eclipse, Trump’s vision has become worse and worse, with a noticeable deterioration of his retina. There is no reversing it.”

Dr. Campbell went on to say that Trump’s left eye experienced some damage as well, but that the right eye sustained the brunt of the damage.

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Faux Report

If You Thought This Eclipse Was a Big Deal, Wait Until You See This ‘Moon Duplication’

WORLDWIDE – 

The Internet has been buzzing over the last couple of weeks as stargazers prepare to witness the most miraculous event seen in this generation. On September 5, 2017 the moon will appear to duplicate 37 times, with this phenomenon being visible from almost every spot on Earth. According to astronomers, this event will not recur until the year 2274, and hasn’t happened in nearly 300 years.

For those who are unaware, the Earth’s moon is positioned approximately 22 light years away from us, almost on the other end of the Milky Way, which means we don’t see the Moon the way it is visible today; we are actually seeing a version of the moon from 22 years ago. On September 5, we will see a reflection of the last 37 years due to a cosmic light anomaly from the sun’s once-in-a-lifetime alignment.

If you are as excited about this as everybody else is on the Internet, SHARE this with your friends so they do not miss this once-in-a-lifetime event. Remember, this will not happen again for nearly 260 years!

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Faux Report

Prehistoric Fish Are Showing Up in Flooded Homes in Texas

FORT WORTH, Texas – 

Epic tropical storm-turned hurricane Harvey has uprooted a number of people throughout Texas, as the state gets hit with nearly 7 feet of rain, and winds reaching upwards of 100 mph.

In the mix of all the tragic news of people losing everything to flood waters, is something even more sinister. Thousands of prehistoric, long-though-extinct fish are showing up in the flooded basements and living rooms of some Texas residents.

“I went in to determine the damage, and it scared the shit right out of me,” said Darius Greene, a homeowner in Forth Worth. “It must have been about 20 feet long, and had sharp scales, like nothing I’ve ever seen, and I spent years on a boat as a deep sea fisherman. I was terrified.”

Paleontologists from around the world have been flocking to Texas to try and see how many different species they may find. So far, the oldest is a fish that is nearly 20,000 years old, and thought to have been extinct before humans even existed.

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Faux Report

KKK Takes Up New Cause, Hopes To ‘Make America Straight Again’

NORTH CAROLINA – 

Protests got heated on Monday when the Ku Klux Klan marched to “Make America Straight Again.” The faction of the KKK called the “Loyal White Knights” banned together with their white brotherhood with hopes that the US will reverse their legal stance on gay marriage.

“These people are disgusting and need to be stopped,” said Jed Murry, KKK member. “Hugging and rubbing like it’s okay. It’s not okay. God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”

The march was met by opposition from the LGBTQ community that flew in to North Carolina from all over the country. “We have a right to love,” said Rita Connerly, gay activist. “We have feelings just like everyone else. We will not loose our rights to gay marriage.”

The march ended without incident.

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Hurricane Harvey Winds Carry Trailer Over 100 Miles – With the Family Still Inside!

TULSA, Oklahoma –

A family from Tulsa, Oklahoma, underwent the scariest experience of their life yesterday, when their mobile home was carried over 130 miles by strong winds from Hurricane Harvey, landing in a rural Kansas area. Five members of the same family were inside the building during its “flight”, and all of them have miraculously survived without injuries.

41-year old Dorothy Williams, was at home with her husband, her son, and her two brothers, when their mobile home was lifted off the ground by the strongest hurricane on record.

The powerful winds reaching more than 520 miles per hour, carried and shook the mobile home for 4 hours and 18 minutes, sometimes at altitude of more than 1000 feet. After carrying the house across Northern Colorado and Southern Kansas, the tornado finally dropped it on a car, just outside of Wichita, 129.5 miles (208.5 kilometers) away from its point of origin.

A few locals have witnessed the landing, like Michael Johnson, a 63-year old neighboring farmer,  who describes an incredibly spectacular scene.

“I saw something in the sky that looked like a plane without wings” says Mr. Johnson. “I seemed to be flying clumsily towards the ground, as if it was trying to land. It was probably 300 feet from me when I finally understood the it was a mobile home, and I freaked out. It landed directly on my neighbor’s car, which partially collapsed from the shock, but still rolled for almost 100 feet after the impact. It made an incredibly loud, crashing sound, and debris was flying everywhere. I thought I was going to die.”

The 60-feet long mobile home landed on an unoccupied car. The building has suffered surprisingly little structural damage considering the distance over which it was transported.

Despite the violence of the crash, with the house landing at a speed of more than 90 miles per hour, the incident did not cause any death or serious injury. All five occupants of the house have miraculously survived their incredible misadventure, suffering only a few scratches and bruises.

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Faux Report

Trump Welcomes Ku Klux Klan to White House, Burns Cross in Back Yard

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump welcomed a dozen members of the notorious white-power group, the Ku Klux Klan, to the White House on Sunday night.

The group reportedly were invited so that President Trump could “discuss the future” with them. They were also all treated to a tour of the White House, a gourmet dinner, and a cross burning in the back lawn area of the White House.

“You know, this house was built using slave labor, which to me, is the best kind of labor, because it’s free,” said Trump to the laughing klansman.

According to reports, the group partied late into the evening, and Trump had a private escort drive the Klan members to a private airfield at around 4 a.m. Monday morning.

When asked what the “future” might hold for the KKK, Trump simply said that he was trying to offer a friendly hand to open discussions.

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Thousands Blinded By Solar Eclipse…Millions More Disappointed By Anticlimactic Event

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As the solar eclipse moves across North America, emergency rooms are filling up across the nation. Although many warnings were issued to the public not to watch the eclipse without protective eyewear, many did not head the advice and now find they have severely damaged their retinas.

Because the retinas do not have pain receptors, most did not realize they had caused damage until it was too late.

Jennifer Thompson encouraged her husband, Dave Thompson to go out and look at the eclipse, and then had to drive him to the emergency room. Dave says, “I thought don’t look at the eclipse or you’ll go blind was just silly advice like ‘don’t swallow watermelon seeds or they’ll grow in your stomach. Luckily I didn’t look for long and only have minor solar retinopathy- whatever that means. All I know is I’m going to be out of work, and we can’t afford it.”

Zang Li of New York assumed once the spots in front of his eyes went away he would be ok. He became concerned when after ten minutes his vision did not fully return. “I thought it was all some kind of conspiracy to sell those stupid glasses. And you know those glasses are just going to end up in landfills tomorrow. But I was wrong. I’m devastated. The ER doctor said I suffered burns on 80% of my retina, and it is likely my vision may never come back.”

Even more tragic than the loss of vision suffered by over 10,000 and counting, is the millions who were disappointed by the natural phenomena. Children who spent hours creating pinhole-projector eclipse viewers, only to see a lame shadow cover the sun, were left disillusioned. Zaiden Winslow, age 9, of North Carolina, says, “That sucked. I wish I had stayed inside and watched TV.”

The next solar eclipse is scheduled for 2024, and we can only hope future generations will heed this advice from 2017: IT’S NOT THAT EXCITING, but if you must watch, BUY THE STUPID GLASSES!

 

 

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Faux Report

Mother Says Playground Equipment Hurts Her Child’s Feelings And Needs To Be REMOVED

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Redwood Falls, MN-

Mother Candice Benner is suing Reede Gray Elementary School to install more handicap accessible equipment. Mrs. Benner says if they do not act soon she will tear the existing equipment out herself.

“It’s bad enough the kids run around in front of her. Tabatha’s dream is to play kickball, but of course they refuse to modify the rules so she can participate. But the biggest indignity is that she can’t use the slide. If they refuse to update the equipment, it should all be torn out…and if they don’t act soon, I’ll take it out myself.”

Superintendent, Rich Smellingworth says they simply do not have it in their budget. The school was forced to update their playground equipment five years before when Mothers Against Wooden Playground Equipment (MAWPE) sued the school to update the equipment. Although the small school did not have any handicapped children at the time they did include two disability friendly swings in accordance with the American’s with Disabilities Act.

PTA mother, Amy Dixon thinks the money could be better allocated. “If, we could afford one of them special slides there I’d be for it, but we can’t. And honestly I think when there is extra money in the budget our first priority should be taking the toxic GMO ingredients out of the cafeteria. It would be something for all the children, including Mrs. Benner’s daughter. Perhaps with a preservative free diet she would have more mobility.”

Another parent , who wishes to remain anonymous says, “Well it’s not fair to her daughter. But life aint fair…Should we chop off the little boys’ you-know-whats because some of the girls have penis envy. Life aint fair.”

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Cailtlyn Jenner Says She Is ‘Bored’ Being a Woman, Plans On Transitioning Back to Being ‘Bruce’

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

The world’s most famous transgender person, and total obnoxious asshole Caitlyn Jenner, says that she has become “completely bored” being a woman, and thinks it’s time that she transitions back to a men, and goes back to being just “plain old Bruce.”

“Being a girl is fun for a bit. I have some bitchin’ tits, and yeah, I got rid of my penis, but I miss it. We were together a long time,” says Jenner. “I think I’d like to have it back. I walk through my house, and I see myself on the hundreds of Wheaties boxes I collected, and I like the way I looked then. It’s time for another change.”

Jenner says that the plan is to return to manhood after she has the nude photos done for Playboy.

“No matter what anyone says, I’m baring it all for the nude spread,” said Jenner. “That shoot is going to make me a fortune. Everyone is going to want to see that – even those bigots who say they’re disgusted by it. You know they’re going to sneak a spank to it. I’m very excited.”

After Jenner transitions back, she says she wants everything to just “return to normal.”

“I’m honestly kind of sick of being in the public eye, being on TV, being a public icon and an American hero multiple times over,” said Jenner. “It’s going to be nice to just be Bruce again.”

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Pastry Chef Accidentally Bakes Bachelor Cake With Stripper Inside

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TAMPA, Florida – 

A pastry chef in Tampa has been arrested on manslaughter charges after he accidentally baked a nude woman into a cake, say Tampa Police.

According to police reports, chef Mario Blister was hired to create an extremely large cake that a nude woman could “pop out” of during a bachelor party for a group of about 30 men.

“Unfortunately, the baker had the hired stripper come to his shop, and ended up cooking her inside the cake,” said police chief Chris Tanner. “It is a tragic accident, but we have taken Mr. Blister in on involuntary manslaughter charges.”

“I don’t know how it happened, honestly,” said Blister. “Diamond came to the shop, and I had her get inside the outer framing of the cake, to make sure it was the right size. I use a massive, oversized walk-in oven. It’s like a firing kiln, custom built, as I do a lot of stripper cakes, and it’s easier to make it all at once. She fit perfectly. I left to get some icing, and when I came back, she was gone. I assumed she had left. Turns out…I was wrong.”

Blister says that the cake mold has a clasping mechanism that had somehow gotten latched shut, and Diamond, whose real name is Bambi Limber, was still inside.

“Mr. Blister ended up cooking Ms. Limber at 350 for over 25 minutes, before he smelled that something was wrong,” said Chief Tanner. “When we showed up on the scene, it was a disaster. I’d never seen anything like it in all my years on the force. On the other hand, there was a lot of cake to take home, and it was delicious.”

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President Trump Admits Reason He Banned Transgenders From Serving Is Because He Has Begun Transitioning To a Woman

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Donald Trump has admitted that the real reason he banned transgenders in the military is because he has begun his transition into a woman, and said he was “scared” he might have to serve in the military.

“I already dodged the draft, made my way through life without ever having to serve in the military, so there was no way I was going to ever have to deal with possibly engaging in real combat,” said President Trump. “It worked out that I was planning on becoming a woman, as I’ve known for some time that I was not comfortable as a man. I mean, I’m not a faggy peter-puffer or anything. I still love grabbing women by the pussy. I just like to tuck it back and throw on a nice dress.”

When he was informed that he is well past the age of being drafted in the likely case that he leads the country into war, Trump was noticeably embarrassed.

“Nobody tells me anything about how this stuff actually works,” said our Commander-in-Chief. “Either way, I cannot wait for everyone to meet the new Donald. I think I’m going to go with the name Donna.”

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