Faux Report

MASSIVE Milk Recall In Place After Iodine Found in Country’s Biggest Supplier

TOPEKA, Kansas – 

A devastating report coming out of the Midwest United States this morning announces a recall of over 2.5 million gallons of milk that tested positive for iodine. The tainted milk has left at least 34 adults dead and has sickened thousands more.

Golden Tropics Farm, the world’s largest dairy farm which produces nearly 300,000 gallons of milk every day, says that 100% of their milk has tested positive for iodine. Golden Tropics has not commented on how the chemical was able to get into the milk and cause the contamination.

Symptoms of acute iodine poisoning include burning of the mouth, throat, and stomach, fever, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, a weak pulse, cyanosis, and comas.

Due to the massive amount of tainted milk that has already been sold in stores, the recall asks you simply dispose of any milk that has been purchased between August 1, 2017 and September 1, 2017 – no matter the brand, as Golden Tropics supplies nearly 400 milk brands throughout the United States.

Economists say this is the biggest milk recall in US history, and could potentially raise milk prices to nearly $15 dollars a gallon through the remainder of the year, as farms such as Golden Tropics struggle to catch up for demand.

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Faux Report

Woman Arrested For Squirting Breastmilk At Man Who Tried To Publicly ‘Shame’ Her

milk

STOCKTON, West Virginia –

A nursing mother was arrested yesterday while breastfeeding in public, after she squirted a man in the face with her milk. According to police, Wanda Rogers, 25, was arrested because Joel Marks, 38, was yelling at her to “put her damn tits away” while she was in public, and Rogers retaliated by squirting him in the face.

“This is a simple assault, yes, but an assault none-the-less,” said police chief Joel Chambers. “Mr. Marks was ‘extremely embarrassed’ by the incident, and even though he’s a jerk for yelling at her in the first place, it was his right to press charges and have her arrested.”

According to witnesses, it was Marks who should have been arrested.

“He saw that poor mom sitting there on the park bench, minding her own business, feeding her baby, and he went right up to her and started screaming in her face, calling her a bad mother,” said Mary Lambert, a witness to the incident. “He was yelling and calling her names, and the baby started crying, and I think the poor mom just lost it.”

“I didn’t think it was a big deal. This giant douche was yelling in my face, and was scaring my baby, so I simply squeezed a bit, and shot some milk in his face,” said Rogers, who is a nursing student. “It didn’t hurt him, it just caught him off guard. My lord, it’s just milk. Maybe if his momma had breastfed him, he wouldn’t be such a jerk.”

Rogers was held for 24 hours and let go on $350 bail. She is scheduled to appear in court next month.

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