Tag Archives: Science/Tech

Faux Report

Sleep Deprivation Diet Helps You Lose Weight By Staying Up For Days

meth

COMPTON, California – 

One of the newest crazes in America and the weight loss industry is the Sleep Deprivation diet, which consists of staying up for days on end, with no food, in order to starve the fat out of your body. All of the people who have tried it say that the diet works immensely well, and that staying up for long periods of time is easy with chemical help.

“I’ve been up for 4 days straight, and I’ve already lost 9 pounds,” said Jamica Jackson of South Central, California. “The first day or so, it was hard keeping my eyes open, so I just started smoking tons of meth, and that keeps me wide the fuck awake, not gonna lie.”

Most of the people on the Sleep Deprivation diet are also hardcore drug addicts, who stay awake by snorting cocaine, smoking meth, or taking copious amounts of speed.

“Oh shit, yeah. I get so much work done, and I don’t eat shit when I’m on speed,” said Peter Berg, of West Memphis, Tennessee. “I was up for 6 straight days last week. Lost 31 pounds. This diet is amazing.”

The diet was created by a former addict, Mario Lorne, who says he started preaching about the diet after he lost 22 pounds on a week-long binge.

“I smoked enough meth to kill a tenured prostitute, and then I did more lines than a bad stand-up comedian,” said Lorne. “That was a year ago. I was up for 8 straight days before I crashed out. Didn’t want to eat a thing while I was high on crank and shit, and I lost a ton of weight. I realized that was the best thing going, and I started spreading the word.”

Lorne has said that several major publishers have approached him about writing a self-help book about weight loss, and that he is expecting the trend to become much larger nationwide as time goes on and more people hear about the Sleep Deprivation diet.

Standard
Faux Report

‘Farmer’s Almanac’ Predicts Hottest Summer Ever; Temperature To Reach 140 Degrees

farmers

CARLSON, Indiana –

The Old Farmer’s Almanac, which has been predicting weather patterns better than your local meteorologist for decades, states that summer of 2016 will be the hottest on record, with scorching heat and humidity that will make many parts of the United States and Canada reach temperatures that were previously unheard of, with some areas consistently reaching 140 degrees Fahrenheit.

“It’s that damn global warming that’s to blame for this mess,” said old farmer Macdonald. “I’ve had my farm here with my chickens, goats, cows, and all them for what seems like forever. Looks like this year I will have to figure out a new plan. With the way that heat will be coming, all my animals will surely cook out in the fields. Guess I’ll have me some meats, though.”

Each summer, hundreds of people, usually elderly and small children, die from heat stroke or sun-related illnesses. This year, medical professionals are predicting that number will likely be somewhere in the mid-10,000 range.

“We treated 198 people for sunstroke last year in our hospital, and that was just a normal year,” said Dr. Joe Goldsmith of Miami-Dade Medical Center. “This year, with the way the outreach forecast is looking, we are expecting to treat upwards of 1,000 at our center alone. Frankly, we know for sure that lot won’t make it.”

It may only be February, but doctors and weathermen are all suggesting that you buy new air conditioners now, before they are too hard to come by.

Standard
Faux Report

Cannabis-Infused Bacon To Hit Markets Soon

bacon

DENVER, Colorado – 

TriKom Treats, a marijuana edibles company, will soon release what promises to be the most addictive meat ever – THC infused bacon.  Because of the processing, the bacon will actually be lower in fat and sodium than traditional bacon , but even more delicious. It will come in two flavors, hickory smoked wake and bake and mellow-morning maple.

Eric Nawfel, weed connoisseur, says marijuana users these days aren’t satisfied with just smoking anymore. “They want to get blazed at least three different ways before noon. I start my day with cannabis infused coffee, bacon, and a blunt. That’s the way you do it.”

Owners of TriKom Treats say 10% of the proceeds will go to funding cancer research. Brandon Lewis, who worked out the bacon recipe and is an owner of TriKom Treats, hopes this product will do a lot of good.

“What if a person’s doctor prescribed bacon to cancer patients. That would be rad, man,” said Lewis.

Standard
Faux Report

New Study Finds Fat Girls To Have Better, Longer, and Harder Orgasms

fat

CHICAGO, Illinois –

A student-led research study has found that “curvier” girls have more intense, longer-lasting orgasms. Fraternity Beta Gamma Omicron has released data they have collected over the last four years. Members of the house took painstaking measures to ensure all the ladies the brothers slept with in or out of the house were surveyed.

“Girls were actually more than willing to rate their orgasms. I think they were happy that the brothers were so concerned about how the experience was for them. The hardest thing was getting the girls to step on the scale and let the pledges take their measurements. We assured them the data was just for scientific purposes, and would be kept completely confidential,” says collegian Dirk Rush, who was in charge of analyzing the data.

Beta Gamma Omicron alumnus, Ross Allen, says he has a theory that may explain the results. “Back in my college days I’d do five, maybe six different girls in a weekend. The bigger they were, the louder they screamed. I think big girls’ bodies are so grateful when they finally get off, it’s like an explosion.”

The study is being taken very seriously by the medical community, and many male scientists have volunteered to conduct their own studies.

Standard
Faux Report

First Contact: New Images from Voyager Satellite Prove Alien Existence

aliens

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida –

Voyager I has made contact with aliens, and they do not seem to have the capacity to understand human affairs. Scientists have analyzed the images and determined the beings are definitely animal-like in nature, although It cannot be confirmed whether they have souls. They sit atop what geologists suspect to be a rich oil deposit, and they hope to relocate the oil to Earth.

World leaders agree that the next step for humanity. is to invest in this venture.

“We’re all going to be rich! Rolexes and expensive cheeses for all!” said scientist George Miller Jr. “I cannot wait. We’ve finally made contact, and we are at this moment planning on a way to rape and pillage these aliens in much the same way that we raped the indigenous peoples here.”

Newly forming special interest groups for the creatures discovered by the Voyager satellite warn that “They’re just going to exploit their resources and drive them off like they did our own indigenous people.”

The daughter of a NASA official leaked the inside information. “They are so on their own little world, no knowledge of interstellar matters. Totally like, clueless. Daddy says we can send rockets there to start drilling, and my baby’s baby will be rich when they come back. I can’t wait.”

Standard
Faux Report

Daily Meditation Improves Orgasms In Men And Women

meditation

DOVER, New Hampshire – 

In addition to relieving stress, lowering blood pressure, and improving concentration, meditation has a new claim-to-fame. Meditating daily has been show to increase orgasm intensity, duration, and even load size in both men and women.

Chuck Young says he started meditating after seeing improvement in his wife. “I was wondering what she was doing in there when all that ‘omming’ turned into moaning,” said Young. “I’m not into that new-agey stuff, but after seeing how it’s helped her, I make time to meditate every morning. Not only are my orgasms much more intense, I feel better and am able to focus more at work.”

Orgasm improvement can be seen on day one. The key is mindfulness and not worrying about “doing it right.” Young claims it didn’t come easy at first, but he has made adaptations that work for him. “I haven’t learned how to clear my mind yet, so I meditate on breasts. Big, milky breasts. Meditation wasn’t easy at first, but not it comes to me like nothing.”

Standard
Faux Report

New Breed of Extremely Miniature Dogs Being Used As Perfumes, Colognes

dog

WASILLA, Alaska – 

A new breed of extremely miniature dogs that has been popular in Japan for over a decade has made its way to the United States, and consumers are going crazy for them. The MiniMuffs breed is generally less than 3 inches long and weighs a mere 6 ounces, but its not their cute size that makes them a hot commodity.

“Oh my God, their saliva smells incredible,” said Marlene Hendrix, 46. “I bought 3 MiniMuffs the second I heard they were on sale in the US, and I’ve used up two of them already. They’re expensive, about $600 per MiniMuff, but their spit is the greatest cologne or perfume you’ve ever smelled.”

According to the USDA and the American Breeders Association, MiniMuffs has a special enzyme in their saliva that makes it smell incredible.

“To be honest, the smell is not something that you can put into words, but just know that it’s like every amazing thing you’ve ever smelled rolled into one, making that the greatest smell ever,” said ABA spokesman Georgia Mitchell. “Normally we would not recommend breeding a dog strictly to use in this manner, but to be honest, it’s just too good of a smell.”

Mitchell says that currently, people can “use up” the dogs after a couple of months, and normally they are simply discarded.

“Oh yeah, I mean, it’s sad that eventually they dry out,” said Hendrix. “I mean, I wish you could just get one and it lasts forever, but that’s not the case. Like I said, I went through two already. When they dry out, they just die, and I have just been putting them down the garbage disposal. It keeps that smelling super fresh, too.”

Standard
Faux Report

Mars Rover Sends Back Images Of What Appears To Be Man Walking Through Dunes

mars

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida – 

The Mars rover has reportedly uploaded pictures to the NASA servers from Mars that show a man walking in the distance behind a line of sand dunes. The internet has become abuzz with the photo, which they say is more indisputable proof of life on the planet.

“That is definitely, 100%, a living, walking, sentient being right there,” said internet sleuth and conspiracy theorist Joe Goldsmith. “You can easily tell that this isn’t Photoshopped, because for one, it came directly from NASA, and two, who would want to Photoshop a picture like this trying to prove life on another planet? Is that something people would do? Of course not. I’ve seen plenty of ‘shops in my day, and this is definitely not Photoshopped.”

NASA scientists are still working to uncover the mystery behind the ‘Walking Man,’ as they’re calling it, but so far, they have yet to come up with any solid ideas.

“It’s not entirely out of the realm of possibilty that it could be some sort of being, but it would be odd that this is the first walking, upright, man-like being that we’ve seen since the Rover has been on Mars,” said NASA scientist Dr. Richard Lewis. “I have no idea if this is a man, or Martian, as it were. It’s probably just another case of pareidolia.”

Pareidolia is the condition found in all humans that makes our brains apply known-items to abstract shapes, such as being able to see certain figures in clouds, or faces in random designs.

“We are hoping, very much, that this is some sort of life. That is the whole reason we went to Mars,” said Lewis. “We are trying to move the Rover closer to the area, to begin looking for clues such as footprints or other signs of life, but it is a time-consuming process, to be sure.”

Standard