Faux Report

Hulk Hogan To Buy Majority Share of WWE With Gawker Settlement

Terry Bollea, aka Hulk Hogan, testifies in court during his trial against Gawker Media, in St. Petersburg, Florida, in this file photo taken March 8, 2016.   REUTERS/Tampa Bay Times/John Pendygraft/Pool  MANDATORY NYPOST OUT

LOS ANGELES, California –

Hulk Hogan announced this morning that he plans to take the $115 million dollar settlement he is set to receive from his lawsuit against garbage-posting website Gawker to purchase a majority share of stock in his former employer Vince McMahon’s company WWE.

“I’ve been a millionaire for many years, but I’ve never been that much of a millionaire,” said Hogan, whose real name is Terry Bollea. “I do own some stock in the company. I bought about $2,000 worth when it first went public. With this settlement, though, I can finally become majority owner.”

Although Vince McMahon had originally been set with 51% ownership, he was forced to sell some of his stock and ownership in the last few years as the company has taken a downturn, leaving him with only 48% ownership in the company. The rest is on the public market.

“I will be able to afford to buy 51% of the company with this settlement, and when I do, there will be some massive changes made to the company,” said Hogan. “I cannot wait to drop the leg on the WWE once more, but this time, it will be my place to do with as I wish. It will be like the NWO days all over again, brother.”

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Faux Report

Jeb Bush Says He Will Use Remaining Campaign Contributions To Buy Yacht, Sail Around The World

Jeb Bush Touted to Launch Presidential Bid; Expected to Release Video for Public to Mock

DALLAS, Texas – 

Former presidential candidate Jeb Bush has dropped out of the campaign race this year, after finally coming to the realization that he didn’t have a chance in hell of winning even the part nomination, let alone a seat in the White House.

Bush says that he will use the remaining money in his campaign fund, approximately $4 million, and buy a yacht, with plans to sail around the world.

“Normally I wouldn’t waste campaign money on something so frivolous,” said Bush. “I appreciate every person and company who, for some reason, had the bad foresight to donate to my campaign. Instead of using that money to support another candidate or give back, what I’ve decided is that I need a nice, long cruise around the world on a new yacht. I’ve already picked it out, and I’ve named it Queen Barbara, after my momma.”

Bush says that he plans to set sail in August, with hopes of “missing the end of the election completely.”

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Faux Report

Banks To Offer ‘Free Money Day’ On March 30th

Gym Bags Filled With Cash Hidden In Chicago, Residents On City-Wide Scavenger Hunt

WALL STREET, New York –

After an extremely banner year in 2015, many major banks across the United States, including American Bank and TD Banknorth, are planning on offering a ‘free money day,’ where their customers can stop by any branch location and have an extra bit of cash deposited into their savings or checking account.

“Basically, most major banks had extremely an extremely good year last year. We make a lot of money off of people by imposing ridiculous, unnecessary fees, and we’d like to pay that back now,” said TD Bank CEO George Fulton. “I mean, $35 every day you’re overdrafted, it adds up, right? As an example, we took in over $250 million in bank fees last year. We love money, but we’re also happy to share that back with our great customers who paid it to us in the first place.”

Bank fees, which are a notorious pain in the ass for anyone who has ever had to deal with them, are the biggest gripe among customers of all banks nationwide. Fulton says that this is a way for banks to “save a little face,” and get customers to fall back in love with banks.

“Stop into your local branch of any bank, and you will be eligible for a deposit in your account from anywhere from $45 to $250,” said Fulton. “It’s as simple as that. No catch, no fees, no issues. Just ask, and you’ll receive the money.”

Fulton says that banks are choosing the amount to pay based on account history and fees paid in.

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Faux Report

First Contact: New Images from Voyager Satellite Prove Alien Existence

aliens

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida –

Voyager I has made contact with aliens, and they do not seem to have the capacity to understand human affairs. Scientists have analyzed the images and determined the beings are definitely animal-like in nature, although It cannot be confirmed whether they have souls. They sit atop what geologists suspect to be a rich oil deposit, and they hope to relocate the oil to Earth.

World leaders agree that the next step for humanity. is to invest in this venture.

“We’re all going to be rich! Rolexes and expensive cheeses for all!” said scientist George Miller Jr. “I cannot wait. We’ve finally made contact, and we are at this moment planning on a way to rape and pillage these aliens in much the same way that we raped the indigenous peoples here.”

Newly forming special interest groups for the creatures discovered by the Voyager satellite warn that “They’re just going to exploit their resources and drive them off like they did our own indigenous people.”

The daughter of a NASA official leaked the inside information. “They are so on their own little world, no knowledge of interstellar matters. Totally like, clueless. Daddy says we can send rockets there to start drilling, and my baby’s baby will be rich when they come back. I can’t wait.”

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Faux Report

Financially Irresponsible? Try New Budgeting Service ‘Credibility Plus’

money

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Tend to blow through money? Credibly Plus has a new service to make you pay – your bills that is. For those of us who can’t seem to control our spending, the new service will in-effect garnish your wages before they hit your bank account. After the company takes a nominal fee, your bills get paid, according to a pre-budgeted limit.

“If people could control themselves, the diet industry wouldn’t be a booming industry. Our program helps people keep control. We’ll save you from yourselves,” said Credibility Plus CEO George Glass. “It’s like those programs that lock you out of the internet so you can get your work done. It’s like Weight Watchers for your finances – your ass will stay fat, but at least your bills will be paid.”

Credibility Plus says it helps members get out of debt, and long-term users successfully have saved up for cars, homes, and plastic surgery.

“I used Credibility Plus because I really wanted to get rid of unsightly body fat after that shitty Weight Watchers failed me,” said Marlene Jones. “I signed up because I can’t stop myself from spending money on stupid things like Weight Watchers. They helped me balance my money and get my life on track, and I was finally able to get that plastic surgery I wanted, and now my muffin top is gone!”

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Faux Report

‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Becomes First Film To Make $100 Billion Dollars At Box Office

star wars

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Star Wars fever has hit the world hard, after the latest installment, The Force Awakens, has crossed the $100 billion dollar mark in worldwide grosses, blowing away the previous box office champ, Avatar, which grossed only about $2.5 billion.

“Honestly, I’m shocked that the movie did so well,” said the director, JJ Abrams. “No one seemed to care too much when I reinvigorated Star Trek, so I didn’t have super high hopes for Force. Plus, all we really did was remake the first film, so seriously, it’s crazy that people are plopping down money to see it 15 or 20 times.”

Based on worldwide grosses, the studio behind the film, Disney, says that they estimate that every single human being currently alive on the planet has seen the film at least once, and that several babies – who won’t even be born until the new year – may have already seen it as well.

“It’s really the only way the film could have done so much money,” said Disney CEO Mike Laird. “I mean, think about it like this. Titanic was the number one film at the box office for almost a dozen years, at just over 2 billion dollars. Then Avatar knocks that out with just under 3 billion. And now, here comes Force, which brings in a whopping $100 billion? I mean, that’s insane, right? There are 8 billion people in the world, and with average ticket prices at around $12, that means everyone, everywhere has seen the movie.”

Although those numbers add up, that’s likely not the case, according to box office analysts.

“More likely, it’s the same handful of nerds who’ve gone and see the movie 40 or 50 times in IMAX, which have ticket prices closer to the $20 range,” said Box Office Mojo writer Gil Morrison. “I can honestly say I haven’t seen it, and probably never will. I mean shit, who cares?”

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Faux Report

Woman Claims She Makes Thousands Of Dollars Running Dog Breastfeeding Business

dog

DELUTH, Mississippi – 

A Mississippi woman says that she makes thousands of dollars each year running a business of breastfeeding dogs, reports the Mississippi Times. Maryanne Chambers started her business 10 years ago after discovering that her breast milk supply never seemed to run out.

“I breastfed my children until they were out of diapers, but then I noticed I still had tons of milk to give,” said Chambers, 34. “So, I decided to put it to good use.”

Many dog owners say that human breast milk is the most nutritious thing for their pets to drink, but it is often very hard to come by.

“Oh boy, my pug Lucyfur, she loves breast milk,” said a dog owner who wishes to remain anonymous. “I started paying Maryanne about 2 years ago. Sometimes, my Lucky, she goes over to Maryanne’s house and suckles straight from the source, but usually I just buy bottled milk.”

Chambers says that she usually charges around $40 a bottle for her breast milk, but that so many clients need multiple bottles, she regularly earns a near six-figure income.

“Last year I cleared $97,000 after taxes,” said Chambers. “If you’ve got tit milk a-brewing, then you better get those dogs over to your place. You won’t regret it.”

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Symphony

Tempo: May 12, 2015

Saudi Arabia gives the gesture over Iran. Hezbollah trains Christians to fight ISIS. Rabbit hole: the real story of Bin Laden raid2,000 swim ashore in Thailand’s human trafficking crackdown. Money money: US Bank mortgage scandals. US Defense $5.4mil NFL ads, $500mil lost in Yemen. Changes & Republican “donor class”? Startup how-to: Better calibration software allows 3D printing in COLOR!  · · · →

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Symphony

Tempo: April 28, 2015

Nepal suffers from an earthquake. Israel helps. Countries China wants to invade aren’t allowed to help Nepal. US: Japan can respond in Pacific war. Sidney sits under water and ice. Baltimore riots. Chipotle: No GMOs, no corn, no Monsanto. W: Ease sanctions on Iran ‘naive’, new Iran president ‘smooth’. SCOTUS to hear on pairrage, Christians attend. Apple’s got cash! Leadership: Former Mars Hill Church Executive Pastor and Elder Shares All: Good Decisions Made by the Right People, ResultSource (Pt. 2)  · · · →

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Devotionals, Letters

Offense at God Stops the Promises

John the Baptist was aware, perhaps more than most people, that Jesus’ mandate (in Luke 4) included the anointing “To proclaim liberty to the captive…”.
But by Luke 7, John was himself a captive, a political prisoner rotting in a Roman jail, who presumably wanted his freedom. So he sent some boys ’round to ask Jesus, “Are You the Coming One, or do we look for another?”
Jesus let them watch his ministry for a while, and then replied, “Go and tell John the things you have seen and heard: that the blind see, the lame walk, the lepers are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, the poor have the gospel preached to them.” In other words, “Yeah, I’m the one.”
And then he adds the kicker. He says to tell John, “And blessed is he who is not offended because of Me.”
And then Jesus goes on for fourteen verses – this is a pretty long speech for Him – who John is and why he’s awesome. “…there is not a greater prophet than John the Baptist.” That’s pretty high praise from the Incarnate Son of God.
One of the greatest offenses we can ever experience is “Why does it happen to them, but not for me?” It’s not hard to get discouraged in those circumstances. It’s hard NOT to be offended. John was offended: Jesus’ cousin, and the prophet sent to announce him. If the greatest prophet in the world got offended, it’s possible that it happens to more people than admit of it.
It’s hard not to see someone else get healed of something that you’ve been asking for healing of. It’s difficult not to be jealous when someone else gets the financial breakthrough that you need so desperately.
And it’s almost impossible (almost – but not quite) to not be offended when the promises that God has declared for you sit there, unfulfilled, despite your best efforts, despite your faithfulness, despite the fact that you have personally prepared the way for that other person that got the fulfillment of YOUR prophecy!
It’s so easy to be offended because of Jesus, especially when he does things that are different than you think he ought to do. When he does things in different ways, with different people, than you think he ought.
And then he adds the kicker. He says to us, “And blessed is he who is not offended because of Me.” Our blessing comes from avoiding that offense.
Said another way, being offended hinders our being blessed. One of the greatest hindrances to my promises being fulfilled is when I’m jealous of others’ blessings.
If my reaction to someone else getting a large amount of cash is to wish that it happened to me, then I am, by that offense, hindering God’s blessing in my own life.
If my response to your newfound ministry is to wish that it had come to me (“instead of to you,” or “as well as to you,” it doesn’t matter), then I’m hindering my own release. I’m demonstrating that I cannot yet “rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15), and therefore I’m not yet ready to be trusted with that blessing.
If I can rejoice with others, weep with others, without thinking of myself before I think of them, then I’m getting past being offended with Him.
Fundamentally, if I see your blessing and I think of my lack, that’s a manifestation of self-centeredness. If I see your sorrow, and I breathe a sigh of relief, that’s a manifestation of self-centeredness.
I suspect that Father is breathing on that verse right now: “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” (Romans 12:15)
If we want to keep up with what he’s doing, if we want to be part of what he’s doing, we’ll want to avoid being offended by Him, and rejoice – or weep – with others.
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