Tag Archives: Married

Faux Report

‘National Enquirer’ Investigation Into Ted Cruz Turns Up Donald Trump Affair Secrets

trump

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

National Enquirer has been making serious news the last few weeks, after the magazine published information saying that they were investigation presidential candidate Ted Cruz for having an affair – with five different women.

Now, the magazine is saying that in their investigation, they’ve also turned up information about another affair – one perpetrated by another republican candidate, Donald Trump. The magazine is currently not revealing their sources, but say they “stand by” the information as “100% accurate.”

“We are treating the identities of Trump’s mistresses with the utmost respect and care, and are only referring to them under pseudonyms,” said Enquirer publisher Mark Hayes. “In our newly published article, we receive quotes from several women who claim Donald has had secret affairs with them, including ‘Shmosie O’Shmonell’ and ‘Shmegan Shmelley.’ There is also at least one man, who we are referring to only as ‘Shmis Shmisty.'”

According to the Donald Trump campaign, the candidate is completely refuting all information that he has ever had an affair.

“I’ve been married countless times, and they’ve all failed horribly,” said Trump. “I can honestly say, though, that not a single divorce was on a count of infidelity. If there’s one thing that I can be counted on for, it’s staying faithful in my marriages. These claims are extremely and utterly false.”

There have been rumors that the original article, claiming that Ted Cruz had at least 5 mistresses, was fabricated by Donald Trump himself, as he has close ties to the magazine. Representatives for the Enquirer will not reveal the source of either article, but do say that it’s now “fairly obvious” that they have no allegiance to either candidate.

Standard
Faux Report

Man Fakes Heart Attack To Get Out Of Wife’s Dinner Party

heartattack

KALAMAZOO, Florida – 

A Florida man was taken to the emergency room after his wife called 911, saying that her husband was having a heart attack.

John Williams, 43, was taken to a local hospital via ambulance, but on the drive, said that he was never having any sort of heart attack or any other medical issue – he just didn’t want to be around his wife’s “super boring friends” any longer.

“I pretended to have a heart attack, because it was the only way that I could think of getting out of there without being on the hook for it later,” said Williams. “We have this stupid dinner parties at least once a month, and all of my wife’s friends are snooty, pretentious, miserable people. They just come over for the free drinks and the free food, and then leave. We’ve never once been to a dinner part at one of their houses. At least I livened up the evening.”

Williams says he has no problem paying the bill for the ambulance, and the hospital visit.

“They had to check me out anyway, because it’s protocol, and apparently sometimes people have heart attacks for real and think they’re okay,” said Williams. “The doctor said my ticker is as good as it can be for my age. I have the heart of a 38-year-old.”

Standard
Faux Report

Anonymous Florida Woman Weds Giant, Black Dildo

bride

MIAMI, Florida – 

A Miami woman is happily married to her fiancee of over 2 years, a giant black dildo that she calls “Ted.”

“Ted and I met after I bought him at a discount sex shop right off the beach a couple years ago,” said the woman, who wishes to remain anonymous. “It was love at first sight. Normally, I’m not attracted to black guys, but with Ted, it was different, and we hit it off immediately.”

The woman says that she and Ted would often go on dates, but mostly spent time alone at home.

“We liked alone time the best,” said the woman. “It’s when Ted and I really got to know each other. He proposed after only about 8 months of dating.”

Florida laws are naturally very lax when it comes to who or what people can marry, because Florida is an extremely odd location filled with extremely odd people.

“I’m just so glad I stopped into the shop that day,” said the woman in an interview with a local Miami newspaper. “I don’t know where’d I’d be today if I hadn’t. Ted fills me up like no man has ever done before; it really and truly is love.”

Standard