Faux Report

‘National Enquirer’ Investigation Into Ted Cruz Turns Up Donald Trump Affair Secrets


ATLANTA, Georgia – 

National Enquirer has been making serious news the last few weeks, after the magazine published information saying that they were investigation presidential candidate Ted Cruz for having an affair – with five different women.

Now, the magazine is saying that in their investigation, they’ve also turned up information about another affair – one perpetrated by another republican candidate, Donald Trump. The magazine is currently not revealing their sources, but say they “stand by” the information as “100% accurate.”

“We are treating the identities of Trump’s mistresses with the utmost respect and care, and are only referring to them under pseudonyms,” said Enquirer publisher Mark Hayes. “In our newly published article, we receive quotes from several women who claim Donald has had secret affairs with them, including ‘Shmosie O’Shmonell’ and ‘Shmegan Shmelley.’ There is also at least one man, who we are referring to only as ‘Shmis Shmisty.'”

According to the Donald Trump campaign, the candidate is completely refuting all information that he has ever had an affair.

“I’ve been married countless times, and they’ve all failed horribly,” said Trump. “I can honestly say, though, that not a single divorce was on a count of infidelity. If there’s one thing that I can be counted on for, it’s staying faithful in my marriages. These claims are extremely and utterly false.”

There have been rumors that the original article, claiming that Ted Cruz had at least 5 mistresses, was fabricated by Donald Trump himself, as he has close ties to the magazine. Representatives for the Enquirer will not reveal the source of either article, but do say that it’s now “fairly obvious” that they have no allegiance to either candidate.