Tag Archives: johnson & johnson

Faux Report

Johnson And Johnson May Go Bankrupt With Lawsuits

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Johnson and Johnson is expected to go bankrupt once they are forced to settle the multiple class action suits have been brought against them. The company is accused of continuing to sell baby powder even after finding out talc causes cancer.

While talcum powder is widely used to help keep skin dry and prevent rashes, when used on the genitals or buttocks, talc particles can travel up the vagina or rectum and remain trapped for years. These particles can cause inflammation and lead to the growth of prostate or ovarian cancer cells.

Families are urged to stop using baby powder now and lawyer up, as their child has a ten percent change of developing prostate or ovarian cancer.

“Prostate and ovarian cancer would not be nearly as prevalent if it wasn’t put on nearly every baby’s bottom for the last fifty years,” says Gabriel Evans, an attorney representing the victims. “They knew it was killing people and did nothing about it. It’s just another instance of the big-baby industry caring more and bout profit than human lives.”

Johnson & Johnson Company Group Chairman, Alex Gorsky declined to comment on the lawsuits, but is rumored to have stopped powdering his balls.

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Faux Report

Johnson & Johnson Announce New Tylenol With THC To Hit Market In Select Cities

tylenol

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – 

Johnson & Johnson, the makers behind Tylenol pain reliever, announced today their intentions to begin selling their name-brand product with a THC additive. The company says that along with helping in pain relief, the THC also creates a “mild euphoric effect,” which can help patients in chronic pain.

“We’ve been studying the effects of marijuana, and its active ingredient, THC, for many years,” said Johnson & Johnson spokesman Hal Williams. “When combined with acetaminophen, the active ingredient of Tylenol, THC will work wonders in helping patients in long-term, chronic pain, to get some relief.”

Williams says that the company will only be marketing the product in places where medical or recreational marijuana has been made legal, but that they hope that, within a few years, they will be able to sell it openly, over-the-counter, everywhere in the United States.

“America has made leaps and bounds in legalizing marijuana and THC, specifically, but we’re not all the way there yet,” said Williams. “Johnson & Johnson definitely supports the efforts of groups looking to legalize, and we openly support the idea that this plant can be used as a medicine to treat many diseases.”

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