Tag Archives: Headlines

Faux Report

Irate Americans Demand That Country Also Leave The EU

USEU

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Britain’s stunning vote to leave the European Union is both historic and world-changing, but what does it really mean for Americans living on the other side of the Atlantic? Potentially, everything — the economy, national security, even the race for president will be affected.

Some Americans are now demanding that the United States follow suit and leave the EU.

Long distance trucker and self-proclaimed patriot, George Holt, says that Americans need to be independent from the rest of the world. “I been driving back and forth cross America for nearly 20 years, and I’m telling you things have changed. We need to be our own nation and stop all these damn Mexicans and Muslims from coming here to live off my tax dollars. If we leave the EU, our borders will be secure and our land will be ours again.”

Disability recipient, Janet Hagelund says America should leave the EU immediately. “Did you know the United States is required to pay a tax to them? And they want to control everything. More people should educate themselves about what really is going on…Plus they’re a bunch of socialists.”

When Hagelund was asked if she meant the UN, not the European Union, she admitted she had been mistaken. “Yeah, them guys,” said Hagelund.

Standard
Faux Report

Trump Promises To Release Sex Tape Of Melania If Elected

melania

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Losing points in the polls has caused Donald Trump to get creative. Trump has promised that if he gets elected, not only will he build a wall between the US and Mexico, and create new jobs, but he will release a pornographic tape featuring his wife.

Unlike most first ladies, Melania Trump is a former model known for posing and looking pretty. Previous first ladies have been known for standing by their presidential hubbies while working with the public on projects important to them. Melania has previously said that she see’s herself as more of supportive role to her husband and more hands off in the politics realm.

“I’m totally fine with it. I don’t want to actually do any of the drab first lady duties, Consider this my civic duty, after which I will return to my New York City Penthouse,” said Melania. “Whatever Donnie-Don wants me to do.”

Since she has a past rooted in modeling, Melania has several racy photos circulating the internet including a photo of her in a gold bathing suit while 7 months pregnant with her only child back in the early 2000’s. She even posed mostly nude for GQ before being married to Trump.

As the years go by, and new first ladies are introduced, they grow in their modern style. Though Melania Trump is an ex model, she says that her current First Lady style will be aligned with classic first ladies like Jackie Onassis – with a little bit of Marilyn Monroe thrown in.

Standard
Faux Report

Child Kills Parents With Axe After They Turn Off Internet As Punishment

axe

REGINALD, Maryland – 

A 12-year-old boy has been arrested and taken into policy custody for allegedly killing his parents with an axe on Thursday evening.

Caleb Dryer was reportedly upset with his parents after they turned off the home internet when Caleb brought home his final report card with several failing grades.

“Those assholes know I can’t live without Facebook, and it wasn’t fair. If I can’t live without getting online, then they don’t get to live at all,” Caleb reportedly said to police.

So far, officers have not released much information on the murders, except to say that they were “gruesome and shocking.”

Attorney John Frugal, who is representing the state in the case against Caleb, says that his remorseless attitude will very likely land him a life sentence.

Standard
Faux Report

Home Depot Founder Vies to Become Official Sponsor of Mexico-America Wall, Endorses Trump

HomeDepot

Is there some rule out there we don’t know about that states that founders of major DIY retail chains have to get involved in politics eventually? We saw that the people behind Hobby Lobby were all too eager to jump out of their lane (craft supplies) when the moment arose, and now and it is becoming clear that they learned by watching the founder of Home Depot, who just can’t stay out of the political arena (made in part, presumably, withPremium Birrill Fir Studs).

Bernie Marcus wrote a piece for Real Clear Politics to announce that he is supporting Donald Trump. Granted, he is a home improvement store founder, so no one really asked him, but he did it, we have it, and we are moving forward with the new information now. If someone were to ask me, I’d say he’s just doing the same thing people speculated Ben Carson and Chris Christie might have been doingwhen they came out in favor of Trump. In the same way there were rumors that Carson and Christie were simply gunning for a chance at being vice president or getting into Trump’s cabinet, I think Marcus just wants to make sure that if Trump gets the presidency, Home Depot becomes the Official Sponsor of the Mexico-America Wall.

Anyway, asking yourself what Marcus’ reasoning is? Here are a few snippets.

A plug for the American Dream/Home Depot came first:

But I draw even more from lessons learned when we founded The Home Depot in 1978 rather than from the contentious GOP primary of 2016. I genuinely believe that if we to started The Home Depot today, we would fail because of the hurdles government, especially the current administration, places in front of small business owners.  I never forget The Home Depot’s small business roots – we started as a small business with four stores in Atlanta, Georgia.

Next came a just-because sort of attack on media and academia:

Politicians like Obama and Clinton, aided by the media and academia, have peddled a dangerous sentiment that government can provide for Americans better than the private sector.

That shade on media and academia came amidst glorification of the job creation inherent in the founding of small businesses. Note that Marcus took time to praise his employees who have been able to get wealthy without college degrees, but in one quick statement, took a swipe at everyone who works at a university, lab, library, newspaper, television station, etc. So, are jobs really the main focus here at all?

He concluded by targeting the #NeverTrump Republicans:

As a GOP donor who stood steadfastly behind Jeb Bush– and who has contributed to candidates for a generation – I urge all Republicans to stand up and be counted in support for Donald Trump.

In time, we will surely learn the political inclinations of every founder, mogul, and, in Marcus’ words, “young [man willing] to shag carts from a parking lot because he has faith that he and his family can be great.” Marcus is just one of the first of many this election season.

In conclusion, make repainting your living room for the ninth time because you’re so bored and lonely that it physically hurts and maybe a sea-foam green accent wall will fill the void your ex-girlfriend left great again or something.

VIA Mediaite

Standard
Faux Report

Activists Protest Alligator Euthanasia; Parents Of Snatched Toddler Accused Of ‘Letting It Happen’

gator

ORLANDO, Florida –

Some 50 wildlife specialists — including a trained alligator trapper — are combing a lake Wednesday at a Disney World resort hotel looking for a 2-year-old boy who was snatched by a seven or eight-foot alligator while wading on the beach. The boy was grabbed Tuesday evening while playing in about a foot of water at the Seven Seas Lagoon at the Grand Floridian Hotel with his father Tuesday evening.

Four alligators have been removed from the lagoon and are being tested for human remains, after being euthanized. Activists are protesting the actions of the Florida Fish and Wildlife agency, saying that innocent alligators should not be sacrificed to recover remains of the toddler.

National Wildlife Refuge Association (NWRA) representative, Shawn Powers blames the parents. “I am sickened by the attack on alligators following the tragic loss of the toddler at Disney. First it was the Cincinnati Zoo gorilla and now these innocent alligators. People are invading their habitats. That boy had no place in the gorilla pen, and these shouldn’t have let that toddler near the lagoon. There were signs saying ‘no swimming,’ but they let the boy play in the water anyway. I think they let it happen. They let the boy get taken by the alligator. It’s sick what people will do for 15 minutes of fame, and think of all the money they stand to make on their GoFundMe page.”

Others say all alligators should be exterminated. Although the species was endangered a few years ago, the population has exploded to 1.5 million gators. “This was a man made lagoon,” says Orange County Sheriff Jerry Demings. “Gators have no respect for borders. They’re worse than the damn Cubans that way.”

Walt Disney World has been aiding in the search. Although they took all conceivable precautions, and do not admit accountability, they will be offering an all expenses paid trip for the family to Disney Land. “We understand they will probably not want to visit Disney World again, after the tragedy, but we would like to give their family the opportunity to make new memories at Disney Land, a later date. Our thoughts are with the family at this time,” says Disney representative Michelle Broder Van Dyke.

 

 

Standard
Faux Report

Orlando Shooter Omar Mateen Was Very Likely An Angry, Closeted Homosexual

mateen

ORLANDO, Florida –

Omar Mateen, the gunman who perpetrated the deadliest mass shooting in the history of the United States early Sunday morning, has reportedly been exposed as a closeted homosexual. As news has come out, it has been alleged that Mateen killed 50 people at a gay club named Pulse, in Orlando, Florida as a show of rampant homophobia that was compensating for his raging homosexuality.

Mateen had been seen at Pulse many times over recent years, and had even been known to use gay dating apps. Sitora Yusufiy, Mateen’s first wife, who says he was often abusive to her, told the New York Daily News that when they wed in 2009, he told her his life had previously included frequent clubbing.

Yusufiy and her fiance, Marcio Dias, appeared on Brazilian television yesterday and told the channel that “Yusufiy told him Mateen had ‘gay tendencies’ and had been called gay in front of her on several occasions by his father.”

In another interview with one of Mateen’s classmates from 2006, a period when both were enrolled in a Florida police academy, the classmate spoke anonymously with Orlando’s WFTV9, telling the station that Mateen had once asked him out on a date.

“We went to a few gay bars with him,” the classmate said, “and I was not out at the time, so I declined his offer. The classmate told the paper he thought the killer, who pledged allegiance to ISIS before the shooting spree at the nightclub, was “gay and in the closet.”

“Unfortunately, he couldn’t come out. Whether it was because of his family, his faith, or some other reason, I don’t know,” said another classmate. “All I do know is that no one has that much hatred of gay people unless they secretly want to have a dick slapped in or around their mouth. He may have called 911 to publicly confess his allegiance to ISIS, but alone in the dark, there is no doubt in my mind he was pledging his allegiance to dick.”

Standard
Faux Report

FDA To Ban Fentanyl After Prince’s Overdose

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The powerful opiate fentanyl may be taken off the market following the death of Prince as well as the increase in opiate drug deaths across the nation. A bill may change fentanyl to a schedule I drug, meaning that it is both highly addictive and has no legitimate medical use. Other schedule I drugs include heroin, LSD, and marijuana. Fentanyl is currently a schedule II drug, meaning that while there is danger of abuse, it can be prescribed under controlled conditions.

“It’s clear the fentanyl is out of our control, ”argues bill sponsor, Representative Marcy Kaptur. “Deaths are up 500% in Ohio. They have tripled in last year.” Supporters of the bill argue that the drug is just too strong. Fentanyl is 50 times more potent than heroin and 100 times more than morphine.

Fentanyl is used to manage moderate to severe pain, usually in people who have chronic pain, and as a last resort. Fentanyl is often used when other pain medicines no longer work.

“Yeah, a few cancer patients might not get their fentanyl fix, but we can’t afford to lose any more pop sensations. They are the glue that keeps this country together. Didn’t Michael Jackson die from this stuff? Well, maybe it was his time. He was a little sick. But Prince – that great man had even turned to the lord,” says Mothers Against Drug Addicts (MADA) member, Tracy Leveque. “Junkies are one thing. They’re pretty well useless. But when a beloved musician or actor overdoses, it’s time to change the legislation.”

Standard
Faux Report

Bernie Sanders Says He Will Completely Forgive Student Loans If Elected

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Americans who are under the financial strain of repaying student loan debt may soon be off the hook for their education costs. Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders says that if elected, he will sign a new federal bill releasing any student who has accrued outstanding debt because of the high interest rates and outrageous balances caused by college loans.

“Any student, past or present, who has taken loans from the federal government within the last 10 years to pay for higher education, would no longer be required to pay back those loans,” said Bernie Sanders. “This forgiveness would also be extended to any student currently enrolled in college, who may need financial assistance for the next several years as they finish their degrees.”

The idea of student loan forgiveness has been in the news for several years now, as students are forced year-after-year to leave school due to crippling costs of a higher education in the US. With most students not able to afford any facet of college without loans, the government has given out nearly $1 trillion dollars to those seeking a form of higher education. Although certain costs of school are generally offset by private loans, grants, and scholarships, almost every student currently in a 2 or 4-year program has some existing loans with the US government.

“Education is the single most important thing in my mind when it comes to furthering this great nation,” said Sanders. “I can think of no better way to help the young people, this next generation of thinkers and doers, than by helping them to stand on their feet more firmly, and to give them some hope that they can and will receive their degrees, and they can work towards a future for themselves and their families, and not just a future of paying back debt.”

Even while the government has decided to forgive loans from the public sector, private held companies such as Sallie Mae, the leading lender for higher education, still has sky-high interest rates and non-budging repayment schedules. With close to $1 billion in net income every year,  Sallie Mae has stated that they are not interested in following suit with the governments plan for loan forgiveness.

“We are a private company, and private lenders. We have no interest in not pursuing every possible avenue to squeeze every penny we can out of our borrowers,” said Carla Edwarton, CEO of Sallie Mae. “Education is important to us, but paying back your loans are what we care about. We aren’t loan sharks, we aren’t going to break your kneecaps if you don’t pay, as much as we would like to…[But] you can bet we love making all that sweet, sweet high-interest rate cash.”

Standard
Faux Report

Obama Makes Use Of Words ‘Negro,’ ‘Oriental’ Illegal

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama has signed into law H.R. 4238, which modernizes terms in specified statutes related to minorities, and makes it illegal to use words such as “negro” or “oriental.”

What this means for businesses or charities that use the words, such as the long-standing United Negro College Fund, is that they have to immediately change their names to “approved” names, before they may continue to do business. For individuals, it means that they are no longer legally allowed to use the words in public, lest they be fined or arrested.

“It used to be that I could say whatever I wanted, goddamn Freedom of Speech guaranteed that,” said Republican voter Mario Simmons. “Obummer has been taking my rights away for 8 years, and now he’s talking about what I can and can’t say? That negro is half oriental his self! He’s slamming his own half-breed people by doing this.”

“Updating words to be more respectful of cultures and ideas is something that everyone should get behind,” said President Obama. “I am happy to be the president who has helped put an end to racism.”

Standard
Faux Report

Donald Trump Declines Debate With Sanders, Suggests Fistfight Instead

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump on Friday said he would not debate Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders because it would be “inappropriate” to square off against the candidate who currently trails Hillary Clinton in the Democratic primary fight. Trump initially agreed to do the interview, and then changed his mind numerous times in the span of a few days.

Sanders calls Trump a liar. Trump responded by saying, “Oh, Crazy Ol’ Bernie, don’t listen to him and his so called logic.” Trump went on to say, “I did not decide to debate with Bernie because as a business man I don’t agree to a deal where I don’t come out ahead. My supporters don’t care about things like debates. What speaks to my supporters is good old fashioned blood, and I’d knock that old Jew into next week.”

Political analyst Eugune Scott told CNN, “I didn’t think he’d [Trump] fare very well in a fight with Sanders. Plus, do we really need anymore proof what a barbaric ignoramus Trump is?”

Standard
Faux Report

Clinton Campaign Says They Have Trump/Melania Sex Tape And They’ll Release It If He Doesn’t Drop Out

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager has release an email to the press, stating that they have a secret recording of Donald Trump and wife, Melania Trump, having sex – and they plan to release it “accidentally” if he doesn’t drop out of the race.

“If you think that some of the things that Trump has said and done in the past should be embarrassing, there is nothing that touches this,” read the email. “We have secured the tape through legal, legitimate channels, and we are prepared to release it to the public if Trump does not drop from the race.”

According to Trump, it is impossible that Hillary is in possession of a tape of him having sex.

“I have not had sex with my wife, or any woman, in nearly 20 years,” said Trump. “I may have implied that I had a large penis earlier in the race, and that’s true, but it’s also flaccid as hell, and doesn’t get much use. You’d think it would be obvious that a woman as attractive as Melania would be in this for the money, and the power, and not for what is hanging down there.”

The Clinton campaign says that they are not swayed by Trump’s comments, and are fully standing behind their statement that they will release the video if Trump does not back down.

Standard
Faux Report

Donald Trump Admits He Was Only Running For President To Get Hillary Elected

WASHINGTON, D.C – 

The rumors were true after all. Donald Trump has just admitted that he was a Hillary Clinton plant the whole time.

Many have suspected as much, and liberal trolls on the internet have been saying it for months, but now Donald Trump himself has admitted that he is running as a Republican to ensure Hillary Clinton will win in November. Trump revealed via Twitter that he made a deal with Hillary in 2014; this all unfolding mere days after Trump’s lock on securing the Republican nomination

After Donald Trump made this announcement, campaign manager Gerald Rogers released a press release documenting the entire charade.

“Electing Hillary Clinton, the most disliked Democrat politician in decades, would have been impossible unless she were running against a Republican that was even worse. Although, it couldn’t just be any Republican, it would have to be the absolute worst Republican in the country,” said Rogers. “It would have to be a Republican that was so bad even other Republicans would denounce them. It would have to be someone that would split the party and ensure Hillary could win the White House with only 40% of the vote.”

Trump has said now that he has gained the GOP nomination, though, he will continue to run, because “being president” is something that he says he can “really kick ass” at.

Standard
Faux Report

Oil Spill Tax Imposed By Government To Increase Gas Prices By Over 1000%

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Congress will be voting on new oil tax to help fund clean up costs, after the recent spill into the Gulf of Mexico.

Almost 90,000 gallons of crude oil gushed from a Shell oil facility into the Gulf of Mexico off the Louisiana coast on Thursday, leaving a 13- by 2-mile sheen of oil on the waves. Countless oil-choked fish and Cuban refugees are washing up on the shore.

Louisiana Senator Bill Cassidy is sponsoring the bill, saying oil spills are bound to happen and everyone must chip in.

“It’s just the nature of doing business. The Gulf will be ruined within the next few years unless the clean-ups are subsidized. We can not expect pipelines and drilling equipment to be failproof. Leaks are bound to happen.”

Standard
Faux Report

Saturn Will Be At Closest Point To Earth In Over 4,000 Years On May 31st

saturn

WORLDWIDE – 

NASA has confirmed that on May 31st, Saturn will be closer to Earth than it has been in over 4,000 years, with a spectacle that will be “unlike any other” astronomical sight people have seen.

“Saturn does not often come this close to Earth, and this will be a sight no one currently living has ever seen,” said NASA spokesman George Pooler. “We are extremely excited to be able to better study this planet, but also that people will be able to get a glimpse of an amazing, ringed planet, which is not something normally able to happen.”

Pooler says that NASA hopes to be able to see the opposite side of Saturn as it rotates by, something that they have never been able to photograph previously.

“In 1980, Saturn came very close, but not as close as it will come this time,” said Pooler. “We have some images of Saturn from the last rotation, but this will be an amazing sight that will blow the last time out of the water. We are expecting that on May 31st, we will be able to see Saturn here in the United States at approximately 4:45PM EST. Get your cameras ready, as this experience is once-in-a-lifetime.”

Standard