Tag Archives: disease

Faux Report

Ice Bucket Challenge For ALS Leads To Earth-Shattering Medical Discovery

Teenage Girl Dies of Hypothermia After Taking Part In 'Ice Bucket Challenge'

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Last year, the ALS ice bucket challenge viral videos ran rampant across the internet, and brought in millions of dollars for Lou Gehrig’s Disease research. In a decidedly crazy twist, it seems that money has been used to find and diagnose an entirely different disease, and it’s one that could change the face of medicine forever.

Researcher Jordan Marsh says that the ALS videos and the money raised by them has helped them to discover a new breakthrough in a specific virus that has been plaguing the world, but has yet to be contained.

“We used the ALS money to look into the root of this long-standing virus, and thankfully, we have been able to pinpoint where it began, and also how to contain it from spreading further,” said Marsh. “It’s one for the books, for sure.”

For the books it will be, because as of this time, Marsh is not saying what discovery they have made.

“At this time, I am just going to say that it’s a huge deal, and we are very excited, but we want to get all the information out at once, and accurately, so you’ll have to wait until our findings are released in the National Book Of Medical Journals.”

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Faux Report

Ice Bucket Challenge For ALS Leads To Earth-Shattering Medical Discovery

Teenage Girl Dies of Hypothermia After Taking Part In 'Ice Bucket Challenge'

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Last year, the ALS ice bucket challenge viral videos ran rampant across the internet, and brought in millions of dollars for Lou Gehrig’s Disease research. In a decidedly crazy twist, it seems that money has been used to find and diagnose an entirely different disease, and it’s one that could change the face of medicine forever.

Researcher Jordan Marsh says that the ALS videos and the money raised by them has helped them to discover a new breakthrough in a specific virus that has been plaguing the world, but has yet to be contained.

“We used the ALS money to look into the root of this long-standing virus, and thankfully, we have been able to pinpoint where it began, and also how to contain it from spreading further,” said Marsh. “It’s one for the books, for sure.”

For the books it will be, because as of this time, Marsh is not saying what discovery they have made.

“At this time, I am just going to say that it’s a huge deal, and we are very excited, but we want to get all the information out at once, and accurately, so you’ll have to wait until our findings are released in the National Book Of Medical Journals.”

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Faux Report

Illegal Immigrants Bringing Diseases Like Measles, But That Isn’t The Worst Of It

immigrants

PINAL COUNTY, Arizona – 

At least 11 Measles cases were confirmed this week in Pinal County, Arizona. The outbreak was traced back to an immigrant shelter. Several more cases were reported in Pinal County stemming from the outbreak last week at an immigrant detention center.

In the not too distant past, the U.S. would check immigrants for disease before they were allowed to enter the country. That no longer is the case with our wide-open borders. More outbreaks are expected if the open door policy to immigrants established by this administration continues into the next.

Disgruntled resident Chuck Hurley says he fears for the safely of his family. “Them there immigrants have measles, mumps, cooties, Islamacism, and all sorts of other stuff. Why do you think the women wear veils on their faces? They’re hiding something if you ask me. I personally won’t stand for it in my country.”

While immigrants are given access to vaccines upon arrival, afflictions like Islamacism cannot yet be vaccinated against.

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Faux Report

Rapist Sues Woman He Assaulted After Learning She Gave Him HIV

lawsuit

SAN DIEGO, California –

John Ryan, 32, is suing Felicia Jones, 26, after contracting HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, in a sexual encounter. Ryan says that although he was raping Jones at the time, she should have informed him that she had the virus, and because she didn’t, he is entitled to “everything she has.”

“Just because I grabbed her off the running path in the park, took her into the woods, and raped her, doesn’t mean that she has the right to hide her disease from me,” said Ryan, who has been arrested for sexual assault in the past, although the charges were later dropped. “Because she didn’t say anything, I now have HIV, and my life is essentially ruined.”

The law in most states, including California, says that if you are a carrier of HIV or AIDs, you must inform all sexual partners beforehand, or face possible arrest and prosecution for manslaughter.

“Ms. Jones was fully able to explain to me that she had the disease, as I did not cover her mouth like I’ve done to other women in the past,” said Ryan. “I may have decked her in the mouth a few times, but a little blood is not stopping her from saying ‘hold on a minute, I have HIV.'”

Jones says that she was terrified in the situation, and that her condition was not at the forefront of her mind.

“That bastard was raping me, and telling him that I was sick probably wouldn’t have stopped him anyway,” said Jones. “I was scared, and I thought he might kill me. That’s what I was thinking about. My lawyer has advised me not to say that I think he deserves what he got, but let me just say that I’m certainly not sorry.”

Jones contracted the virus two years ago during a blood transfusion after a bad car accident.

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Faux Report

Compulsively Checking Your Phone Can Lead To Brain Tumors, Study Finds

phone

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at Harvard College have released their findings of a recent study, detailing the effects of compulsively checking your phone.

“What we’ve found is that people who check and use their phone more often, die younger and with more violent, harsh deaths,” said Mark Cooban, who headed the study. “You see, the more often you check your phone, the more likely you are to development cancerous brain tumors, tremors, panic and anxiety attacks, cancer, AIDs, Hep-C, broken bones, vision loss, hearing loss, heart murmurs, and a slew of other issues.”

Although the study is not final, Cooban says that people should take warning of the study’s findings.

“We still have a long way to go, but I will say that of the 4 people in the study, 2 have died due to their phones,” said Cooban. “One was hit by a bus while crossing the street and texting, and another fell off a cliff while trying to send a snapchat picture of themselves to friends. Although not technically what we were looking for, we count those deaths as phone-specific.”

 

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U.N. Worker In Contact With Refugees Contracts Unknown Skin Disease

skin

AUGUSTA, Maine – 

A United Nations employee who worked on the intake of refugees fleeing to the United States seeking asylum has contracted a serious and as-yet-unknown skin condition that is causing panic among government workers.

According to doctors, Mark Shawl, who has worked for the U.N. for over 20 years, came in contact with an infected Syrian refugee and contracted a serious and potentially contagious skin condition.

“Mr Shawl’s skin has formed extreme and vile callouses over most of his body, but especially on his hands,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of the Maine State General Hospital in Augusta. “At this point were are not able to pinpoint exactly what is causing the disorder, but we are taking measures to ensure that this condition does not spread further.”

Dr. Brown says that Mr. Shawl’s fingers are getting the worst of it, and one has become so hard and brittle that it has begun to fall off.

“So far, Mr. Shawl is the only one this heavily infected by whatever is causing the issue,” said Dr. Brown. “Unfortunately, he is not the only one entirely. Several other people have since come into our location with similar issues. We are working jointly with the US Department of Health to discover the cause.”

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