Tag Archives: death

Faux Report

Woman Pushes Wife Down Stairs, Blames It On Cat; Later Arrested For Strangling Cat To Death

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DELUTH, Mississippi –

Evie Pipkin has been charged with animal cruelty and first degree murder after she allegedly threw her wife, Michelle Chen, down the stairs of their home and told police she had tripped over the cat. Days after the murder, Pipkin strangled the cat and posted a picture on Facebook saying; “It had to be done. Feeling: sad.”

Friend of the couple Laura Shealy says, “She made a big show out of strangling the cat, like the cat had intentionally tripped Michelle. What kind of person could even think of doing that? What kind of person thinks that’s the right thing to do? That’s when we knew she had killed Michelle. Deep in my heart I always knew, but that right there, that’s case closed in my book.”

Police picked Pipkin up on charges of animal cruelty, and questioned her further about the death of her wife. Pipkin denies harming Chen. “We just got married in October after the law was passed. We were still in the honeymoon phase. I know now I should just have brought Shadow to the Humane Society, but I was just so angry. I couldn’t think clearly in my grief.”

Police say they are holding Chen on the animal cruelty charges, but she will remain a prime suspect in the death of Pipkin, which they have yet to rule an accident.

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Faux Report

Community Celebrates Drug Addict’s Death

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JAMAICA PLAIN, Massachusetts –

A candlelight vigil is planned for Friday to both mourn and celebrate the loss of 25-year-old Lawrence Brennan, who died of a heroin overdose last week.

Organizer John Higdon explains that while it is sad when an addict dies resulting from an addiction, it is also a relief. “It’s even worse when they continue to hurt others. Of course we want them to get better, but if there’s anything I have learned in my years as a drug counselor, most of the time there’s not much reason to hope they ever will.”

Lawrence’s Mother, Loretta Brennan, says, “I wish all addicts a peaceful passing. Of course I would never have wished for my son to die, but now that he has, it’s like a weight off all our shoulders. To me the person he was died five years ago when he got hooked on alcohol and heroin. The son I used to have would never pawn my jewelry or puke all over himself at our 4th of July barbeque. The sweet boy who played football and helped me do the dishes – that’s the boy I am grieving for now.”

Although the family supports the celebration theme of the vigil, other members of the community say the feel it is inappropriate.

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Faux Report

AMC Says Next Season of ‘The Walking Dead’ Will Be Show’s Last

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

AMC, the channel behind the hit show The Walking Dead, says that the next season, which is the second-half of season 6, returning February, will be the last.

“Frankly, the show has gotten stale,” said showrunner Mark Lyons. “When we started this show, it was all people talked about, and now, it’s gone a little downhill. We started noticing it when people would post spoilers about characters or deaths on their social media pages, and no one even complained about it. When that starts happening, you know it’s time.”

Actors on the show say that they are “relieved” that the show will not be getting picked up for another season, because they’ve all gotten “pretty damn sick” of playing out the same storylines over and over again.

“There only so much walking, talking, and zombie killing you can really do before the audience gets bored, and before the actors get bored,” said star Norman Reedus. “Frankly, I hope that Darryl does die. At least now I know no one will riot, because no one is even really watching the show. I’ll be happier going back to movies, anyway. Boondock Saints 3 is on my horizon, and I can’t wait.”

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Faux Report

Man Severs Spine Trying To Be Hero; Attempted To Lift Car Off Trapped Child

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CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

The Northeast was hit with their first major snowstorm of the winter, and numerous accidents were reported across several states. In New Hampshire, one man is now paralyzed from the waist down after he attempted to lift a car off a child who was trapped after an accident.

“I was right behind the car as it went off the road, and flipped down into the ditch,” said Mario Lemmon, 32. “It was the scariest thing I ever saw. I ran right over to the car, and I saw that the driver, a woman, was dead. Her head had come clean off. There was a child trapped inside, though, and with all my blood pumping, I was so jacked I just thought, ‘shit, I can lift this.’ Turns out cars are heavy.”

Doctors say that Lemmon attempted to lift the car entirely with his back, in a jerking, twisting motion. Proper protocol for a heavy lift is, according to doctors and physical therapists, to do so with your legs.

“I guess in all the excitement, I got confused, and I just went at it, heave-ho,” said Lemmon. “But hey, you know, at least I tried. That’s more than a lot of people would do.”

Lemmon will be paralyzed for the rest of his life. Both the child and his mother, who were not identified, ended up dying at the scene of the accident.

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Faux Report

Family Sells Haunted Doll For $3.7M At Auction

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MIAMI, Florida – 

A family in Florida have become millionaires overnight after selling a doll that has been in their family for the last 40 years. The doll sold for almost $4 million dollars at auction because the family listed it as “haunted” with the auction house.

“That doll has been tormenting our family for over 4o years, and every time we tried to get rid of it, it would come back,” said Mark Rogers, who had originally picked up the doll for his daughter at a yard sale in 1974. “I paid fifty cents for it back then, so I’d say we got our money’s worth on it. Thing is, I can’t honestly be sure it won’t come back again.”

The person who bought the doll, Gary Smith, says that he couldn’t pass up owning a haunted doll, even if it cost $4 million.

“There was another bidder on the phones, and he was pushing it up and up, but I just had to have it,” said Smith. “I have a large collection of odd, bizarre, and creepy things in my house, so this will fit it nicely.”

According to Rogers, the doll has been locked away in their basement for the last 10 years or so.

“When we had it out last, it killed our dog and splayed the blood everywhere while we slept,” said Rogers. “I’ve tried everything to get rid of it. Burning, throwing it in the trash, shredding it, smashing it with a hammer – we even took it on a trip to Greece one time, and left it behind. Sure enough, it was sitting on the couch when we got back. Selling it is the last thing that we’re trying. I figured I bought it, and it never went back to the previous owner, so maybe this will work. I hope to Christ it does.”

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Faux Report

Man Returning From Active Duty Gift Wraps Himself As X-Mas Surprise, Suffocates In Box

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TRENTON, New Jersey – 

An Army officer returning from active duty in Pakistan who planned a wonderful surprise for his family on Christmas, having himself gift wrapped and shipped home by UPS, was found dead early Christmas morning after his family neglected to open the present right away.

“We didn’t know that he was in there, because we had no idea that he was coming home,” said Mary Charles, whose husband, Donald, was in the box. “Last we spoke, he wasn’t coming home for a couple weeks, and I was so busy getting the kids their presents, I didn’t even notice it sitting in the corner until later in the day, and by then, it was too late. Plus, there was no tag, so no one knew to even open it. Christmas is a super busy holiday, you know?”

Officer Donald Charles had served two tours of duty, and was slated to have been home for good.

“Normally we don’t ship people, but since it was Christmas, I made an exception,” said UPS store employee Mike Mills. “Mr. Charles came into the store and wanted us to gift wrap him and ship him to his home, which was only a few miles away. I wrapped him up myself, although I guess I forgot to put holes in. Whoops.”

According to police, no charges will be filed against Mills or UPS, although officers warn against shipping yourself, or any living creature, through the mail.

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Faux Report

Woman Told By Husband To ‘Make Sandwiches’ Beats Him To Death With Loaf of Bread

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CHINA, Maine – 

A woman in the small town of China, Maine, was arrested on Christmas night after neighbors called 911 when they heard “blood-curdling screams” emanating from the house.

Megan Charles, 29, was taken into custody when police found her standing over her husband’s body. Joe Charles, 32, was dead on police arrival, beaten to death with a loaf of bread.

“To be honest, you wouldn’t think that someone could beat another person to death with a loaf of bread, but in this case, it’s completely true,” said China police chief Mario Jones. “I’ve seen a lot of stuff in my day, but nothing like this. We have taken Mrs. Charles into custody, and we have no further statements at this time.”

An anonymous source in the police office says that Megan Charles used a loaf of Heartland bread and bludgeoned her husband to death with it. According to Mrs. Charles, it was because her husband, Joe, would constantly berate her and force her to make sandwiches.

“Every day, every night, that’s all I’d get from him,” said Charles to a police investigator. “Go make me some sandwiches. Sandwiches this, sandwiches that. It was insane. I could have cooked him a 4 course meal, and he’d still just want a ham sandwich. Well fuck him, he can have his sandwiches in hell!”

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Faux Report

Compulsively Checking Your Phone Can Lead To Brain Tumors, Study Finds

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at Harvard College have released their findings of a recent study, detailing the effects of compulsively checking your phone.

“What we’ve found is that people who check and use their phone more often, die younger and with more violent, harsh deaths,” said Mark Cooban, who headed the study. “You see, the more often you check your phone, the more likely you are to development cancerous brain tumors, tremors, panic and anxiety attacks, cancer, AIDs, Hep-C, broken bones, vision loss, hearing loss, heart murmurs, and a slew of other issues.”

Although the study is not final, Cooban says that people should take warning of the study’s findings.

“We still have a long way to go, but I will say that of the 4 people in the study, 2 have died due to their phones,” said Cooban. “One was hit by a bus while crossing the street and texting, and another fell off a cliff while trying to send a snapchat picture of themselves to friends. Although not technically what we were looking for, we count those deaths as phone-specific.”

 

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Faux Report

Man Stabbed, Killed With Toy Lightsaber At Showing Of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Tom Chris, 32, was reportedly killed after he was in an altercation with another patron at a Regal Cinema location in Los Angeles, police say. Onlookers who gave an account of the event say that Chris, who was dressed as Han Solo while waiting in line to see a matinee of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, was attacked by an unknown assailant in a Kylo Ren costume. The person was able to escape before police arrived.

“Oh man, it was intense,” said Mario Lemming, who waiting in line for a different movie and witnessed the event. “I mean, there they are, two grown-ass men, dressed in costumes like a couple of total fucking nerds, and then the Kylo Ren dude pulls out a lightsaber toy, you know, one of those ones for kids that light up but retract when you stab into something? Yeah, well, his didn’t retract, and it literally went right through that guy. Needless to say, that was the highlight of my day. Sisters, the piece of shit that my wife dragged me to, was horrible.”

Police say that they are combing security footage from the theatre and nearby businesses, but so far, they have no leads as to who was dressed in the Kylo Ren costume.

Tom Chris leaves behind no wife or kids, because clearly, a man dressed as Han Solo at a matinee showing of Star Wars on a Wednesday afternoon does not have a family.

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Faux Report

Police Officer Commended, Promoted For Killing Most Civilians In Calendar Year

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BALTIMORE, Maryland – 

Charles “Chuck” Jenner has been a Baltimore police officer for just over 5 years, but he says that 2015 has been the “best year of his life” after he was commended and promoted to lieutenant for shooting and killing the most unarmed civilians.

“You see, being a police officer is an extremely tiring and stressful job,” said Jenner in his speech at the police association’s annual Christmas party. “This year, I am so grateful to be honored for my efforts in ridding the streets of Baltimore of as many pieces of human trash possible. It is with great pleasure that I accept my award and promotion for the slaying of over 220 Baltimore dirtbags.”

Cheers erupting from the audience of officers and retired police force members could be heard from around the block, with many residents extremely upset by the police association’s actions.

“It would be one thing if he’d only shot and killed black people, but he also killed a couple white teens, too,” said Baltimore resident Jim Johnson. “I know they were gang bangers and whatever, but come on – they were white. He should have showed a little more tact in those cases. That said, though, ridding the streets of over 200 people? He deserves that commendation.”

“I for one am outraged that these police are out here, killing with no prejudice whatsoever,” said gang member Crypt Keeper Jay. “Yo, I mean, I gotta watch out for these pigs all the time, because they could just come up and shoot me, and that’s some bullshit. Even the white kids aren’t safe out here. It’s enough to make a motherfucker wanna go back to his job at McDonald’s.”

The next officer in line for a promotion, deputy Mark Rumford, killed only 130 people in the line of duty.

“Better luck next year, I guess,” said Rumford.

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Faux Report

World’s Most Pierced Person Dies Going Through Airport Metal Detector

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

In one of the most bizarre deaths, the Guinness Book of World Record’s ‘most pierced person,’ Gerard M. Rogers, was killed as he attempted to go through a metal detector in Los Angeles’ LAX airport. According to reports, Rogers’ face was completely ripped from his body as soon as he entered the machine.

“We had warned him not to go through, but he said that it should be fine, and that he’s gone through them before,” said LAX spokesman Joey Goldsmith. “I have no idea if he was lying, if this was a suicide, or what the real story is. Regardless, when Mr. Rogers walked through the metal detector, his entire face was peeled off as the piercings ripped out, attracted to the machine.”

Goldsmith says that LAX, and other airports as well, will begin a strict “no piercings” policy for people who go through the metal detector.

“From here on out, any crazy, overly-pierced people will have to get the pat down. It’s just too much of a mess to clean up,” said Goldsmith. “Next time you’re traveling, please, God – just remove the piercings or take a pat down.”

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Faux Report

Man Dies Of Hypothermia Waiting In Line For New ‘Star Wars’ Film

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A Boston man has died after reportedly suffering from hypothermia while waiting in line for the new Star Wars movie, which opens this weekend in theaters.

The man, Chuck Conway, 29, had been sleeping outside of the AMC Theater in downtown Boston since Sunday evening, trying to be the first in line.

“We saw him line up outside the doors on Sunday afternoon. He came prepared with a sleeping bag, a tent, and some books to read,” said AMC theater manager Joe Goldsmith. “We couldn’t believe he’d get here that early. It was insane.”

Friends say that Conway was a Star Wars super fan, and that he’d spent most of the year saving up to be able to afford to take time off from his job at McDonald’s and wait in line.

“Chuck was a hell of a guy, but not very bright, really,” said friend and co-worker Mitch Jacobs. “I mean, the tickets went on sale months ago, and he already had a ticket. Hell, AMC even makes you pick your seat ahead of time, so there was literally no reason for him to go stand in line. It’s a real shame he died over something so menial and stupid. But hey, more hours for me at work, right?”

Disney, the company releasing Star Wars: The Force Awakens said in a public comment that it was “tragic” that a fan had died,  but offered no sympathy. AMC Theaters said they would offer a memorial service for Chuck at one of their locations, and that any who wanted to attend could get in for the matinee discount rate.

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Teenager Kills Parents With Machete After They Deny Him Dessert

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SASAFRASS, Mississippi – 

A 19-year-old boy was arrested on Monday morning after calling 911 to report that he had murdered his parents.

“I hacked up my parents with a machete,” said the caller via the emergency number. “They pissed me off. They’ll never piss me off again.”

Police say that the teen, whose identity has not yet been released, was peacefully arrested in his home.

“When we arrive on the scene, the parents were everywhere,” said police chief Joel Clarke. “Pieces of mom here, chunks of dad there. It was a ghastly nightmare. The teen was busy taking pictures of himself holding the machete and posing menacingly. He was arrested with no incident.”

“They wouldn’t let me have any fucking cheesecake for dessert,” said the teen, who weighs over 300 pounds. “They were trying to help me ‘lose weight,’ yet they’re stuffing their fat faces with food right in front of me. They deserved it. They’ll be losing weight in hell, now.”

The teen faces first degree murder charges. In the state of Mississippi, he will likely receive the death penalty if convicted.

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Homeless Man Found In Walmart Storage Room With Over 50 Dead Bodies, Many Of Them Skinned

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DECATUR, Alabama – 

A homeless man, who has yet to be identified, was arrested on Friday after a Walmart store employee found him hiding in the store’s old storage room. Police found over 50 bodies in various states of decomposition in the storage room as well, many of them fully skinned.

“We believe that this man, who will not give us his name and who does not appear to be in our systems, moved into the storage room of the local Walmart almost 2 years ago, after the store was remodeled,” said police captain Joe Goldsmith. “So far, we have identified several of the victims, but will not be releasing names until the families are notified.”

The homeless man, who local papers are calling The Skinner, reportedly had been living in the Walmart for years, but went unnoticed as a remodel of the building had boarded up a segment of the old warehouse and storage room.

“There was no way into the storage room from the inside of the store, and the outside was covered by brush and trees that had been planted or grown wild over time,” said the store manager, Jim Carson. “It appears this man was able to move in and out of the building without being seen by using this door, which was not connected to our alarm systems.”

According to police, they are charging the man with first degree murder, in a total count of 56 cases, although they are still determining the total number of bodies discovered. Medical examiners say that most of the victims were between 14 and 25 years old.

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