Tag Archives: dead

Faux Report

Man Buys Over $10,000 Worth of Girl Scout Cookies, Dies Trying to Eat Them All Himself

EDGEWORTH, Florida – 

A Florida man has died after he attempted to eat over $10,000 worth of Girl Scout cookies, which is approximately 1500 boxes.

John Richards, 43, died after his 87th box, when he suffered both a massive stroke and a major heart attack simultaneously.

“I have no idea what made that fat shit think he could finish off all those boxes, or why he even tried,” said Marlene Richards, 40. “I’ve been married to John for 20 years, and on his ass about his weight pretty much this whole time. When he heard that the Boy Scouts were going to allow girls in, he told me he thought that the cookies would ‘go extinct,’ and he wanted to get all he could. Dumb bastard.”

Police say they had to hire a team of movers to get Richards’ body out of the home, as he “weighed close to that of a grand piano.”

“The thing that really pisses me off is that he cashed out his life insurance policy to buy the cookies,” said Marlene Richards. “What in the hell am I going to do now? Eat the rest of these cookies for the rest of my life? God, I hate that fat lard.”

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Faux Report

World’s Oldest Woman – Who Drank a Glass of Formaldehyde Every Day For 60 Years – Dies At Age 187

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

The oldest living person in history, Bertha Flake, has died at 187.

Flake, who was born in 1831, has been listed as the oldest living person in the Guinness World Records book since 1955, when she turned 124. At that point doctors thought that she would not have much longer to live, but after meeting with a “mystic” in 1957, Flake began to see her health improve.

The mystic told Flake to begin drinking filtered formaldehyde each day before eating her normal breakfast. Despite doctors warning her that it would kill her, Flake began the regimen, and lived another 60 years.

“It tastes horrible, but it’s clearly working,” said Flake last year on her 186th birthday. No one thought I would live this long. I didn’t even know it was medically possible, but here I am, still kicking, still going strong. I hope I live to see 200, but at this point, I’ve lived 2 or 3 lifetimes, and I can’t say that I haven’t seen and done it all. If I did next year though, I hope it’s in a hail of police bullets. Nothing like pulling a 187 on a motherfuckin’ cop, right?”

Flake was married 6 times in her life, and claims that she had even slept with many famous figures in history, including Charlie Chaplin and Josef Stalin.

Doctors are examining her remains and plan to release their findings in the New England Journal of Medicine.

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Faux Report

Charles Manson Reportedly Found Dead in Prison

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KINGS COUNTY, California – 

Famed cult leader Charles Manson, who is serving a life sentence for his role in the Manson Family murders in the 1960s, reportedly stumbled across a cell with 3 prisoners who were all deceased. Manson said he was doing his janitorial rounds when he found the dead bodies.

“Mr. Manson is a model prisoner who loves to work around the yard and cells, cleaning and mopping,” said warden Miles Richard. “On Friday, though, Mr. Manson reportedly found dead bodies in section A-4. The names of the deceased have not yet been released, pending an investigation and notice to family.”

“It was really kind of disturbing finding not just one, but several people dead like that,” said Manson. “I have never actually seen a dead body before. Even all those years ago, I wasn’t anywhere near the house when everyone was killed. It didn’t have anything to do with me. It’s really kind of gross, and rather unnerving to see.”

Manon, who is 82-years-old, is reportedly “doing just fine,” according to prison doctors, and may very well live to be “over 100 years old.”

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Faux Report

Morgue Employee Cremated By Mistake While Taking a Nap During His Break

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BEAUMONT, Texas –

48-year old Henri Paul Johnson was killed last week after he was accidentally cremated during a long shift at the Coroner’s Office Morgue.

According to police, Johnson took a nap on a stretcher after working over 16 hours, and was mistaken for another man who was killed in a car accident, and scheduled to be cremated.

Jena Davis, who was not the co-worker who cremated Johnson, says they heard him scream for a moment, but didn’t know where the sound was coming from.

“At first, we didn’t understand where the sound was coming from. When we realized what was happening, it was too late. We shut down the heating system, but he was already dead.”

Davis says that Johnson was exposed to temperatures of well over 1500 degrees Fahrenheit, and there was nothing that could have been done. A new employee, who had forgotten to check the toe tag on the body before proceeding, was blamed for the accident, but no charges have yet been filed.

 

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Faux Report

BREAKING: Charles Manson Dies in California Hospital

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STOCKTON, California – 

Charles Manson, the notorious cult leader who was arrested and convicted in 1971 of conspiracy to commit murder, has died.

According to police reports, the ‘serial killer,’ who never actually killed anyone and should have realistically been released from prison decades ago, died from natural causes after a short illness hospitalized him.

“Manson was taken to the hospital approximately one month ago, and was suffering from several illnesses, including bronchitis, dementia, and colon cancer,” said Dr. Shawn Tate. “He died peacefully in sleep last evening at approximately 11:45pm.”

Charles Manson was survived by his three sons and one daughter. Funeral arrangements are currently being made where they are expecting large crowds of supporters as well as angry protesters. The Westboro Baptist Church has already announced that they will picket the funeral, but their regular group of counter-protestors have said that “just this once” they will let it happen.

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Faux Report

Morbidly Obese Woman Let Her Children Die Of Starvation: ‘There Was Only Enough Food For Me’

BIGSBY, New Jersey – 

A New Jersey woman has been arrested after all 3 of her young children were found dead in her home. The cause of death has been listed as malnutrition. The woman starved all of her kids because she said she could “only afford enough food” for herself.

“Look, ya’ll know I’m on the welfare. I ain’t got enough money coming in to feed my ass, plus all them damn kids. This ain’t no restaurant. I gotsta eat, and they just young kids. They didn’t need much anyway,” said Tawanda Grapes, 30. “This whole thing got me all fucked up, because I ain’t been able to eat in a couple hours now with all these cops asking questions and stuff.”

According to police, Grapes was only feeding her children “whatever was left” after her meals, which normally was not much more than a few drops of ketchup on the hamburger wrapper or the melted ice from a soda cup.

Police are saying it is it the worst case of child abuse that they have ever seen. The children, who were aged 2, 3, and 6, had not eaten in as many as 11 days, says the medical examiner.

Grapes will be charged with voluntary manslaughter. If convicted, she will face the death penalty.

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Faux Report

‘Little Old Lady’ Accused of Making Fur Coats With Neighbors’ Pets She Murdered

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From World News Daily Report:

An 85-year old Texas woman has been arrested by local law enforcement after being caught on film kidnapping one of her neighbor’s cats with which she is accused of making fur coats.

The recent disappearance of domestic animals in the neighborhood started to arise suspicion from local residents when some people started to notice the old lady’s particular fur coats, some even recognizing their cats in the coat’s furs, a fact the lady vehemently denied before being caught on videotape by a private detective hired by local residents to follow the suspicious lady.

It is believed the old lady started at first to raise her own cats but finally decided to…

READ FULL STORY HERE

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Faux Report

Man Who Died In Haunted House Not Discovered For Weeks – Everyone Thought He Was ‘Very Realistic Prop’

Man Dies In Haunted House, Mistaken For Prop For Almost 2 Weeks

CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

An elderly man who died while visiting a New Hampshire haunted house almost a month ago was not discovered until last night, after a young child was brave enough to walk up and touch what he thought was a dummy.

“Brian was trying to be brave, because we told him the house was just in fun, no one was really dead and it wasn’t real scary stuff, just pretend,” said Maria Downs who, along with her husband Michael, were taking their 7-year-old son to his first haunted house. “He saw the man in the corner. We thought it was a dummy, so we laughed. Brian bravely walked over to touch it, so he could see for himself that it wasn’t real. As soon as he put his hand on him, Brian turned and ran out of the house screaming.”

When the Downs family took a closer look, they realized that their son had just touched an actual dead body.

According to police, Phil Richards, 80, had gone through the house by himself during early October, and had apparently died of a heart attack.

“No one realized, because he looked kind of plastic and fake,” said police chief Mario Jones. “The owners never saw it; they didn’t go through the house themselves as they were too busy working the front, and the guests all thought the smell was from the fog machines pouring through.”

The owners say that they will be “more vigilant” in checking for dead bodies next year, but they are planning on offering a discount on Halloween night to anyone who wants to go through their haunt and see where the body was.

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Colorado Pot Smokers Beware! State Issues MASSIVE Recall After 6 Deaths From Tainted Drug

DENVER, Colorado – 

The Colorado State Control Board has issues a massive recall for 3 different types of marijuana sold throughout the state at the Ready Green dispensaries, after 6 people died from “tainted” drugs.

According to the state health commission, the marijuana was grown and brought in from outside of the country, and has been found to have a dangerous pesticide that has caused more than 30 people to be hospitalized and 6 people to die after smoking it.

“It’s a nightmare, really, because the legal side of things has made it very easy to obtain weed, and Ready Green is the biggest dispensary in the state,” said Health Commission Chairman Mario Rodriguez. “We are working hard to remove this particular group of bud from all stores, but we’re not sure how much of it is out there.”

The health commission is asking people who currently purchase their weed at local stores to go back to doing it “the old fashioned way.”

“Please, if you need weed, buy it from a non-reputable dealer like everyone else in the country,” said Rodriguez. “It could save your life.”

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Faux Report

Colorado Pot Smokers Beware! State Issues MASSIVE Recall After 6 Deaths From Tainted Drug

DENVER, Colorado – 

The Colorado State Control Board has issues a massive recall for 3 different types of marijuana sold throughout the state at the Ready Green dispensaries, after 6 people died from “tainted” drugs.

According to the state health commission, the marijuana was grown and brought in from outside of the country, and has been found to have a dangerous pesticide that has caused more than 30 people to be hospitalized and 6 people to die after smoking it.

“It’s a nightmare, really, because the legal side of things has made it very easy to obtain weed, and Ready Green is the biggest dispensary in the state,” said Health Commission Chairman Mario Rodriguez. “We are working hard to remove this particular group of bud from all stores, but we’re not sure how much of it is out there.”

The health commission is asking people who currently purchase their weed at local stores to go back to doing it “the old fashioned way.”

“Please, if you need weed, buy it from a non-reputable dealer like everyone else in the country,” said Rodriguez. “It could save your life.”

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Faux Report

Government To Increase Hunting Law Age To 21

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In an effort to curb the use of guns by minors and children, the government has decided to increase the legal hunting age for all animals to 21 beginning in 2017. The change, they hope, will keep guns out of hands of younger and younger kids who are “getting a feel” for weaponry too early.

“After shootings at multiple schools, including a recent one where a teenager shot and killed students at an elementary school, this change in the law was a no-brainer,” said Mark Scott, a Republican Senator. “We hope to keep guns out of the hands of young children, in hopes that as they grow up, they will be less inclined to have anything to do with high-powered weaponry.”

Currently, the lowest age allowed for hunting anywhere in the United States is 8-years-old in states like New Hampshire and Maine, where children can use rifles and bows for hunting. Sidearms and pistols are already regulated to those 21 and older.

“This law will help to curb gun violence perpetrated by children. If they’re not exposed to guns, they’ll be less prone to violence and killing, and that can save lives.”

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16 Members Of Japanese Whaling Crew Eaten Alive

A Japanese whaling crew has fallen victim to a dramatic full on assault by a school of killer whales, killing no less than 16 crew members and injuring 12, has reported the Japanese Government this morning.

The crew of the MV Nisshin Maru (日新丸), Japan’s primary whaling vessel and the world’s only whaler factory ship, was forced to leave the deck temporarily as a gas leak was detected within the ship’s processing factory that resulted in the ship being temporarily disabled all while continuing to carry approximately 1,000 tons of oil.

The resulting panic lead members of the ship to jump off the boat before proper emergency procedures were taken and lifeboats had been set to sea.  The swimming crew members were then ferociously attacked by a school of killer whales, that decimated a large number of the crew within moments. “It was horrific” claims Asuka Kumara, a mechanical engineer who witnessed the gruesome  scene. “The water was red with blood, there were bodies everywhere” he recalls in tears.

The incident occurred in the Southern Ocean Whale Sanctuary, near the South Eastern Coast of South Africa, a controversial area to be whaling as a recent international court ruling has ordered the country to ends its whale hunt in the Antarctic. The East Asian nation halted its annual Antarctic whaling mission after the U.N.’s International Court of Justice (ICJ) ruled last march the hunt violated an international moratorium on commercial whaling.

“It seems Japan just doesn’t give a damn about international law” explains environmental activist and spokesman for Greenpeace Canada, James Ben Shahali, based in Vancouver. “The waste of life is always a shame, but the whales are not to blame here, they were only doing what they are born to do: kill for food” he adds.

Some Greenpeace supporters have even celebrated the incident as a victory for the fight against whale hunting worldwide

Japan has slaughtered over 6,000 whales since commercial whaling was made illegal by the International Whaling Commission (IWC) moratorium passed in 1986.

(via: World News Daily Report)

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Faux Report

Man Finds Dead Baby In Walmart Discount DVD Bin

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LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – 

According to police statements, 27-year-old Mark Jacobs was sorting through a Wal-Mart discount DVD bin when he discovered a rotting corpse of a newborn buried in the middle of the bin. Witnesses rushed over to Jacobs after hearing him scream and call for help.

“I saw a small foot as I dug to the bottom of the DVD pile,” said Jacobs. “Initially, I assumed that someone had placed a Halloween prop within the pile as a gag. It wasn’t until I grabbed the foot and the leg separated from the body that I realized the $5 DVDs were hiding a violent, vicious secret.”

 Local police and paramedics confirmed that the child had been dead for approximately four days, and was estimated to be around three months old. Upon reviewing security footage, police found that the child was placed in the DVD bin by a young woman earlier in the week. The security footage provided by Wal-Mart Loss Prevention Department has yet to be released to the public, however, investigating officers believe the newborn’s mother to be Maria Lambert, a 31-year-old recently divorced employee of the company. They are currently unsure of her whereabouts.
Jacobs told reporters that Walmart offered him a gift card to make up for his troubling experience. However, he said he was going to “hold out for more money,” because then he could get more discount movies.
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World’s Biggest Baby Born At 73 Pounds

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BEIJING, China – 

The world’s largest baby was born yesterday morning in Beijing, and it weighed in at a whopping 73 pounds!

“It was incredible to see, really,” said Dr. Miamoto, who delivered the child. “I’ve never seen a vagina stretch that far before. There was more tearing and ripping and blood than you can imagine.”

Dr. Miamoto says that, sadly, giving birth killed both of the parents, and that the child will be given over to the government.

“Naturally, being Chinese, the mother was not very large at all, and her entire organs prolapsed through her vagina and anus during delivery. Her husband, an American businessman, weighed nearly 400lbs,” said Miamoto. “He died of a heart attack at seeing the size of his baby. So even though they will never know this baby, they are probably looking down from Heaven, very happy that their baby is a Guinness record holder.”

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