Tag Archives: China

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STUDY: U.S. Now More Racist Against Blacks than China

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to a new study by the NAACP, China is no longer the most racist country when it comes to discrimination against black people. Due to the high-profile cases of Mike Brown and Eric Garner, which sparked protests across the country, that distinction now belongs to the United States.

“This is great news for the Chinese nation,” said Vice Foreign Minister Xu Jing at a press conference on Friday. “We are no longer the most overtly racist people in the world. Not through any effort of our own, but thanks to the rising tide of police brutality in America.”

“Rest assured black people, the main target of our political and legal violence will always be the Chinese themselves.”

Though China has been recognized as the country most racist against blacks for decades, the latest study shows that while individual Chinese might harbor regressive views, the political and legal systems at large are mostly colorblind.

“Although Chinese people will often feel a black person’s hair or assume they sell drugs, very few pose a physical threat,” said East China Normal University professor Liu Yuanping. “Certainly no black person has been murdered by the police for selling untaxed cigarettes.”

China hopes that its recent downgrade in racism will encourage more African-Americans to travel to and work in China.

“We welcome our dark-skinned friends from the U.S.,” said Xu. “Come see for yourself that somehow we are not as racist as people from your own country.”

Xu vowed that his ministry would work with the Ministry of Public Security and local law enforcement bureaus to ensure the safety of any black travelers.

“Though China still is a very racist place,” he said, “Rest assured black people, the main target of our political and legal violence will always be the Chinese themselves.”

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Chinese Government Bans Puns

Last week, the State Administration for Press, Publication, Radio, Film and Television ordered media to cease the “irregular and inaccurate use of the Chinese language, especially the misuse of idioms.” Here are the feelings of the Chinese people.

“I guess you could say the government is done wordplaying around.”
“What is the, ahem, punishment for disobedience?”
“I guess the Chinese government is finally watching its language, but it sounds more like character assassination.”
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Expat Decides Partly Overheard Chinese Conversation “Probably Racist”

BEIJING — While traveling on the Line 10 subway after finishing his tutoring work Monday evening, Beijing-based Jake Gryczynski spent approximately 35 seconds attempting to decipher a loud conversation between two middle-aged Chinese women before deciding that what they were saying was “probably racist.”

The 37-year-old Idaho native, who has yet to learn more than rudimentary Chinese despite working in China for 15 years, went so far as to remove one iPod earphone and tilt his head slightly in an attempt to better distinguish individual syllables from the stream of idiomatic Mandarin that, he concluded with complete confidence, was more than likely a scathing and expletive-ridden diatribe against him and the entire Western world.

“Sure, my Chinese is pretty basic, but I picked out the words, ‘America,’ and ‘not good,’” he said. “It doesn’t take Noam Chomsky to figure out they were laying into American and white European culture.”

“It doesn’t take Noam Chomsky to figure out they were laying into American and white European culture.”

“The thing about Chinese people,” Gryczynski continued, “is they think you don’t know exactly what they’re talking about. They think you’re just an ignorant schmo who will blithely sit there while they systematically undermine your culture and spit on your heritage.”

Gryczynski went on to explain that he “didn’t want to cause a scene,” so he merely glared at the two women and flipped them off while exiting the carriage, expressing satisfaction that “the looks on their faces told me they got the message.”

“They’re gonna think twice before deriding the noble tradition of Western democracy again, or calling me a pasty turd, as I’m certain they were doing on that occasion,” he said.

Chinese passengers on the same train, however, expressed puzzlement at Gryczynski’s behavior.

“I thought he had mental problems,” said commuter Wendy Tang, who was reportedly sitting opposite Gryczynski during his brief journey. “He kept clearing his throat loudly and eyed everyone in the carriage like we were going to kill him.”

“The worst thing was when he gave the finger to those two nice ladies who were worried that Americans couldn’t make a good living in China,” said Tang. “I guess they noticed that he hadn’t showered in a while.”

In related news, a two foreigners were assaulted in Sanlitun over the weekend when a Chinese clubgoer thought he made out the words “fuck” and “China” in a conversation between two expats.

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China, U.S. Agree to Focus on Environment Shortly Before It Collapses

BEIJING — In an unprecedented step toward curbing climate change, Presidents Xi Jinping and Barack Obama agreed last week to focus on the environment shortly before it collapses entirely.

As part of the agreement, the U.S. aims to cut greenhouse gas emissions by 26-28% of 2005 levels by the year 2025, when carbon in the atmosphere is expected to reach 450 parts per million, well past the point of no return for preventing a runaway greenhouse effect on Earth.

“Now is the time to promise to do something later,” President Obama told reporters. “If we don’t promise to do something later now, when we do promise to do something later later, it will definitely be too late.”

For its part, China has pledged to cap its growing carbon emissions by 2030, when rising sea levels due to melting polar ice is expected to fully submerge Kiribati and the Seychelles.

“We will not be able to save the Maldives or Tuvalu, but there might still be hope for Micronesia.”

“As the world’s largest emitter of greenhouse gas, we have a duty to the planet,” said President Xi, before leaving for a ribbon-cutting ceremony at a new coal-fired power plant.

“We might not be able to save the Maldives or Tuvalu,” he added. “But there is still hope for Micronesia.”

Though neither leader will be in power when the deadlines arrive, both Xi and Obama emphasized the need for an informal, non-binding agreement.

“Both Xi and I are committed to giving saving the planet the old college try,” Obama said. “But, who knows, it might not work out.”

Leaders of low-lying and island countries around the world praised the bilateral agreement, and hoped their citizens would survive long enough to see it make a difference.

“If we are not completely underwater in 15 years and survive the extreme weather and flooding wrought by climate change, we will have China and the U.S. to thank,” said Palau’s President Tommy Remengesau.

At press time, in response to Xi and Obama’s historic agreement, the governments of China and America were passing legislation to ensure their respective countries never reach the proposed goals.

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Leaders of China, Japan, Philippines and Vietnam to Settle Island Disputes with Fight to the Death

BEIJING — Hailed as one of the biggest success stories to come out of APEC, the heads-of-state of China, Japan, the Philippines and Vietnam agreed on Tuesday to settle their territory disputes in the South China Sea with a classic, no-holds-barred fight to the death.

“We exhausted all other options,” said Philippine President Beningo Aquino III. “It’s the only way.”

In a rare interview with state media, Chinese President Xi Jinping revealed that the decisive battle will be a free-for-all held in Olympic Forest Park where “the only rule is there are no rules.”

“This brawl will be a turning point in global diplomacy.”

According to Xi, the park will be walled off and transformed into a Hunger Games-style battleground, complete with weapon caches and hidden traps.

“We will have to rely on our wits to survive,” said Vietnam’s President Truong Tan Sang.

Speaking at a press conference, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe said the respective heads-of-state have settled on a winner-take-all system, with the lone survivor’s country staking claim to all disputed islands in the South China Sea, including the Senkaku/Diaoyu, Paracel and Spratly Islands.

“This brawl will be a turning point in global diplomacy,” Abe said. “And I do not intend to lose.”

The leaders will have one week to train and prepare before the showdown on November 18.

At press time, Xi was studying a topographical map of Olympic Forest Park and trying to get an advance copy of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire.

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Beijing Euthanizes Poor People Ahead of APEC

BEIJING — To ensure world leaders see a clean and beautiful city, the Beijing government has euthanized millions of the city’s poor ahead of the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation summit, which begins today.

“We need to put our best foot forward when it comes to APEC,” said Beijing deputy mayor Li Jun. “It’s nothing personal.”

Last week, the city issued a statement warning poor people to stay out of the capital during the six-day meeting.

“Any impoverished citizen seen within Fifth Ring Road will be euthanized, in accordance with the law.”

“To protect the image of the Chinese people and ensure a harmonious summit,” the statement read, “any impoverished citizen seen within Fifth Ring Road from November 7-12 will be detained and euthanized, in accordance with the law.”

Though the draconian measure has attracted criticism from human rights organizations, this isn’t the first time a Chinese municipality has taken strict measures to ensure the success of a high-profile event.

Before the World Expo in 2010, the Shanghai government packed the city’s migrant workers into buses and drove them off a cliff.

Though it’s too early to tell whether Beijing’s euthanization program will improve the city’s image as a world-class metropolis, Russian President Vladimir Putin allegedly said that the city was “remarkably free of riff-raff” on his way in from the airport.

At press time, the APEC meetings were proceeding smoothly, though, due to the ban on poor people, there was no one left to pour tea, empty trash, open doors or pamper guests.

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Xi Jinping Disapproves of “Weird Architecture”

In a recent speech, Chinese President Xi Jinping urged a stop to the construction of “strange-looking” buildings that have proliferated around China. Here are the feelings of the Chinese people.

“There goes that SOHO building shaped like a vulva.”
“Looks like some people just can’t handle a little postmodern deconstructivism.”
“I don’t find a building shaped like a golden penis strange.”
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Li Keqiang Seen Loading Entire National Budget into ATM

BEIJING — According to multiple eyewitnesses, Chinese Premier Li Keqiang is currently loading China’s entire national budget for Q3 and Q4, 2014 into a Bank of China ATM near Tiananmen Square.

The bespectacled politician was seen loading over 7 trillion yuan in new 100 yuan bills directly into the machine, printing a receipt for every 10,000 deposited.

This unprecedented task is just the latest reform by President Xi Jinping to fight endemic corruption.

In an internal directive issued last month, Xi required all officials to collect tax revenues “in cash and in person” before traveling to Beijing and laying the monies at his feet in the Great Hall of the People.

As per the directive, the president then counts each bill by hand to make sure all revenues are accounted for, before handing the sum to Li. The premier then deposits all the money into a single account at the nearest Bank of China ATM before parceling out funds directly to local and provincial governments.

By reducing the number of actors who handle the budget, corruption could be reduced anywhere from 70 to 90 percent.

By reducing the number of actors who handle the national budget, Xi claimed corruption stemming from the central government could be reduced anywhere from 70 to 90 percent.

According to Xi, using a single account to redistribute wealth also allowed the government to “avoid costly and inconvenient fees and charges.”

A local woman surnamed Wang said she was shocked to see such a high-ranking politician doing such a menial task himself.

“I got to the ATM on my lunch break hoping to pay my company’s entire payroll only to find some asshole got there first,” Wang said.

Today marked the first time Li has executed his new role as sole dispenser of national revenue. According to sources in line behind him, Li apparently plans to perform his task entirely via an ATM near the gift shop of the National Museum.

Those close to the premier have expressed concerns for his mental health, as Li is also responsible for making the 1.2 million separate electronic transfers to ensure the exact funds reach their intended destinations.

Li is expected to complete the task sometime in November.

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Russian Tiger Released by Putin Swims to China

Kuzya, a Siberian tiger released into eastern Russia by President Vladimir Putin in May, has swum across the Amur River into China. Here are the feelings of the Chinese people.

“Its penis is mine.”
“I’ve been saying for years that we need a 3,600-kilometer-long border fence. Now who’s crazy?”
“These undocumented cats are coming for our jobs.”
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iPhone 6 to Retail in China for One Kidney

BEIJING — Apple CEO Tim Cook announced last week that, in addition to RMB, Chinese customers could purchase the iPhone 6 and 6 Plus with working kidneys.

“We’ve seen huge demand from the Chinese market to exchange human organs for our products,” Cook said in a press conference. “Now every Chinese citizen, ages eight and up, can afford at least one iPhone.”

Suggested retail prices range from one kidney for the 16GB iPhone 6 to a kidney and a lung for the iPhone 6 Plus 128GB model.

“The organs do not have to be yours,” Cook added, “so long as they function.”

“Now every Chinese citizen, ages eight and up, can afford at least one iPhone.”

Though public health officials have roundly criticized the idea, China Mobile alone has received nearly 800,000 kidney down payments since stores began taking preorders on Friday.

Online retailers are also accepting preorders via mail, reminding customers to pack their tissues tightly in ice before mailing them.

One Beijing college student, Luo Yihan, plans to remove his kidney this week in preparation for the October 17 release date.

“I’m just one of those guys who has to be the first to remove a non-vital organ to get the latest gadget,” he said.

Hospitals in major cities are gearing up for the flood of operations, preparing beds to accommodate techies who’d rather not pay the 6,000 yuan price tag.

But even with the new terms, some still can’t afford the new device. One cab driver lamented that he couldn’t buy the new smartphone because he had already spent one kidney on a 5S.

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Drum Circles in Hong Kong Reach Critical Levels

HONG KONG — As the democracy protests in Hong Kong enter their second week, sources say the number of drum circles in the city has reached critical levels.

Drawn to the freewheeling, Occupy-style protests, thousands of itinerant drummers have set up shop among the protesters in Wan Chai and Causeway Bay.

Initially, the tabla-toting newcomers were welcomed by protesters but their incessant thumping quickly alienated both organizers and participants. Some feared that the never-ending percussion would spark a backlash among local residents and prompt police retaliation.

Sources say the cacophony in Wan Chai has reached 1.6 zuccottis and continues to build.

Indeed, Hong Kong Police Commissioner Andy Tsang told reporters Thursday, “We tolerated the establishment of a lending library, but if this arrhythmic banging continues we will forcibly clear the affected areas.”

“It’s disturbing the day traders,” Tsang added.

But the freestyle jam sessions show no sign of abating. Sources on the ground say the cacophony in Wan Chai has reached 1.6 zuccottis and continues to build.

On the same day as Tsang’s press conference, state-owned newspaper People’s Daily published an editorial that denounced the unrest and pointed to the drum circles as clear evidence of a Western conspiracy.

“The Chinese do not percuss,” the author wrote. “These can-banging insurgents want to destroy China and turn it into one giant Burning Man.”

At press time, protest leaders attempted to use the people’s microphone to debate the necessity of drum circles, but their arguments could not be heard over the din.

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World Leaders Applaud China for Not Killing Anyone Yet

BEIJING — This week, leaders from around the world applauded Chinese President Xi Jinping for showing “extraordinary restraint” in dealing with the ongoing chaos spurred by democracy protests in Hong Kong.

U.S. President Barack Obama was one of the first to praise the Chinese leader, thanking him for “responding with tear gas and pepper spray instead of, you know….”

The American president trailed off before adding, “Just don’t go all Ferguson on them.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin marveled at Xi’s “grace under fire” and said that Russian paramilitary forces would be happy to help put down protesters “should [Xi] change his mind.”

“Not that you need any help with that,” he added.

“Just don’t go all Ferguson on them.”

The leaders of Egypt and Turkey, along with Ferguson Mayor James Knowles III, expressed pleasant surprise that Beijing had not yet ordered police to use live ammunition or called in the People’s Liberation Army to forcefully crush the protests.

“Hurry up and call in the tanks,” joked Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan. “You’re making the rest of us look bad.”

For his part, Egyptian President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi asked Xi “what [he was] waiting for.”

When Xi expressed reluctance to use military force, Sisi assured the Chinese president that “it’s easier the second time around.”

Putin, Erdogan and Sisi, along with Knowles, told Xi that they would stand with him in solidarity when the time eventually came to violently remove the protesters.

“There’s no shame in using disproportionate force to maintain stability,” Sisi reported said to Xi. “We’ve all done it.”

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PLA Navy Withdraws from North Sea After Scotland’s “No” Vote

LONDON — Britain’s Royal Navy reported Monday that frigates belonging to the People’s Liberation Army Navy anchored near British waters had turned back for their home port in Qingdao after the Scottish referendum on independence returned a decisive “no” vote.

A few weeks ago, when the Scottish National Party-backed “Yes Scotland” campaign drew ahead in certain polls, China’s Central Military Commission ordered a “precautionary” occupation of international waters in the North Sea in case “this inalienable territory of a sovereign state should fall toward independence.”

“The PLA Navy stands ready to bombard Lothian, Aberdeenshire and the Orkney Islands should separatist forces prevail.”

Beijing had previously warned that Scottish independence would “set a dangerous precedent,” and pledged military support to the “rightful rulers of the Scots, i.e. the UK government” in the event of an “illegal schism in violation of the territorial integrity of what is unquestionably one nation, one people, one culture.”

“While we respect the right of the Royal Armed Forces to exercise jurisdiction in their sovereign territory, China cannot tolerate the unilateral declaration of independence by any would-be nation,” ran a press release from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs last Wednesday.

“As such, the PLA Navy stands ready to bombard Lothian, Aberdeenshire and the Orkney Islands should separatist forces prevail on Thursday.”

After the votes were tallied Friday morning, with 55 percent of the country’s voters choosing to remain part of the UK, China’s fleet was recalled, with Xi Jinping making separate telephone calls to Queen Elizabeth II and Prime Minister David Cameron congratulating them on the “continued health of the One Britain Policy.”

The Chinese president reportedly then made a call to Scottish First Minister and independence advocate Alex Salmond, inviting him to Beijing for “tea” at the Central Commission for Discipline Inspection.

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