Symphony

Cadence of Conflict: Asia, November 19, 2018

In Taiwanese politics, a mayor candidate's comments about his own benefits from drinking honey-lemonade sparked retribution from the medical community. After a lump under his eye went away, apparently from a vegetarian and honey-lemonade diet, he actually said so. A professional from a hospital was quick to weigh in. It's understandable. If people learned that honey could cure disease, hospital profits would plunge. More importantly, Taiwanese political debates would become outright boring without the ability to, as the saying goes, make lemonade from political debates.

But, lemonade really is important. Google search results even saw a spike after this essential talk of Taiwanese politics made news.

Meanwhile, at the ASEAN summit in Singapore, Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong called for nations to come together at a time when Southeast Asian stability was under threat. In anticipation of APEC after ASEAN, Mike Pence started talking tough, wanting results and genuine action from China concerning an even-flow of trade. He elaborated, that the US has a quarter of a billion dollars in tariffs and isn't afraid to go twice as high as well as take more "diplomatic" action. It was a strong "they know that we know that they know what we think" remark, the kind that precedes otherwise objectionable action to make the action unobjectionable.

Later, at APEC, Pence warned of returning to a "cold war" while making plans for a US-Australian naval base in Papua New Guinea. Rather than dropping its tilted tariffs on goods, China has been openly gearing up for all out war three weeks. APEC ended without a written agreement between member nations for the first time ever because of the disagreements between the US and China.

This past weekend, Taiwan did something that China despises every bit as much as it cannot identify with: Taiwan hosted democratic election campaigns. With all the strong rhetoric concerning Taiwan, independence, and China's loudly and often-spoken determination to invade Taiwan, there shouldn't be any question where China's war-in-preparation will start and why America will easily get involved.

America is already involved in Taiwan to quite an extent. AIT, the unofficial yet de facto US embassy in Taiwan, had an interview scheduled for release with a large TV network in Taiwan. But, after the interview, the TV network, TVBS, scrapped the interview. So, AIT shared the interview in its Facebook page, rather than relying on TVBS.

With the history lessons about Taiwan in almost every Taiwan-related story in the Western press, Americans will take an advancement against Taiwan as an advancement against themselves. China would be perceived as an aggressor and rightly so. Everything the US has done to provoke and irritate China would have only worked if China possessed the old school "Asian Pride" that Sun Tzu warned against, a pride that can't be permitted in a world's superpower because such pride is easily provoked just as much as it is easily shattered. Hardened pride makes for brittle peace. That's something that the entire West won't allow, the US notwithstanding.

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Symphony

Cadence of Conflict: Asia, November 13, 2017

At the APEC summit in Vietnam, Putin told Trump that Russia had not interfered in the 2016 election. Putin was sincere. At the same time, Taiwan is beefing-up cybersecurity, ostensibly to counter "daily" and "Russian style" attacks originating in China. If everyone's rhetoric holds true, that means that there aren't any threats at all.

Trump offered to help settle disputes in the South Sea. The Philippines' finance minister complemented Trump on knowing "the art of the deal". The Filipino president does not want any problems in the South Sea. China would rather settle disputes one-to-one. Will everyone get what they want? We'll have to see. This is a chance for China also to earn compliments about negotiation skill from Filipino leadership.

Trump was very friendly in China. He underscored the importance of cooperation between the US and China. It was one of the kindest things he ever said. He publicly conducted himself in some of the kindest ways he ever has since running for office. China received him with respect and his public appearances went smoothly. If there ever was a good chance for peace, now is the best chance there has been for a long while and is probably the best chance there will yet be for a long while.

Will things go peacefully? We'll see.

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Faux Report

Miniharm’s Top 10 Moments of 2014

It’s been a whirlwind year in China. Here’s a look back at 10 moments that made us smile.

10. China allows Xinjiang to secede after deciding it’s just not worth it.

Photo © Reuters

9. Americans befriend Chinese man after discovering he has lots of money.

Alibaba IPO

8. Families relieved MH370 crash not caused by bickering Chinese passengers.

Photo © AFP

7. Taylor Swift releases bestselling concept album about the Tiananmen protests.

1989

6. APEC blue selected as Pantone’s 2015 Color of the Year.

APEC

5. China grants Uyghur scholar lifetime tenure at local prison.

Ilham Tohti

4. Thousands of Hong Kong residents throw away chance of ever entering the mainland.

Hong Kong

3. Zhou Yongkang becomes highest-level official purged since Communist Party mascot Sickles the Revolutionary.

Zhou Yongkang

2. Vladimir Putin offers Xi Jinping $1 million for one night with Peng Liyuan.

Vladimir Putin and Peng Liyuan

1. China’s made-up number becomes larger than every other country’s made-up number.

GDP

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Faux Report

Leaders of China, Japan, Philippines and Vietnam to Settle Island Disputes with Fight to the Death

BEIJING — Hailed as one of the biggest success stories to come out of APEC, the heads-of-state of China, Japan, the Philippines and Vietnam agreed on Tuesday to settle their territory disputes in the South China Sea with a classic, no-holds-barred fight to the death.

“We exhausted all other options,” said Philippine President Beningo Aquino III. “It’s the only way.”

In a rare interview with state media, Chinese President Xi Jinping revealed that the decisive battle will be a free-for-all held in Olympic Forest Park where “the only rule is there are no rules.”

“This brawl will be a turning point in global diplomacy.”

According to Xi, the park will be walled off and transformed into a Hunger Games-style battleground, complete with weapon caches and hidden traps.

“We will have to rely on our wits to survive,” said Vietnam’s President Truong Tan Sang.

Speaking at a press conference, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe said the respective heads-of-state have settled on a winner-take-all system, with the lone survivor’s country staking claim to all disputed islands in the South China Sea, including the Senkaku/Diaoyu, Paracel and Spratly Islands.

“This brawl will be a turning point in global diplomacy,” Abe said. “And I do not intend to lose.”

The leaders will have one week to train and prepare before the showdown on November 18.

At press time, Xi was studying a topographical map of Olympic Forest Park and trying to get an advance copy of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire.

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Faux Report

Beijing Euthanizes Poor People Ahead of APEC

BEIJING — To ensure world leaders see a clean and beautiful city, the Beijing government has euthanized millions of the city’s poor ahead of the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation summit, which begins today.

“We need to put our best foot forward when it comes to APEC,” said Beijing deputy mayor Li Jun. “It’s nothing personal.”

Last week, the city issued a statement warning poor people to stay out of the capital during the six-day meeting.

“Any impoverished citizen seen within Fifth Ring Road will be euthanized, in accordance with the law.”

“To protect the image of the Chinese people and ensure a harmonious summit,” the statement read, “any impoverished citizen seen within Fifth Ring Road from November 7-12 will be detained and euthanized, in accordance with the law.”

Though the draconian measure has attracted criticism from human rights organizations, this isn’t the first time a Chinese municipality has taken strict measures to ensure the success of a high-profile event.

Before the World Expo in 2010, the Shanghai government packed the city’s migrant workers into buses and drove them off a cliff.

Though it’s too early to tell whether Beijing’s euthanization program will improve the city’s image as a world-class metropolis, Russian President Vladimir Putin allegedly said that the city was “remarkably free of riff-raff” on his way in from the airport.

At press time, the APEC meetings were proceeding smoothly, though, due to the ban on poor people, there was no one left to pour tea, empty trash, open doors or pamper guests.

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