Tag Archives: children

Faux Report

New Mother Nurses Abandoned Kittens With Her Own Breast Milk

nursingcat

TORONTO, Ontario, Canada – 

Sharon Carswell says she recently became a surrogate mom to three abandoned kittens. “Mommy just left them there like trash in a cardboard box. So I rescued them. Kitten formula is more expensive than baby formula, and I figured breast is always best, so I tried it, and they seem to like it.”

As her nipples were too large, the kittens were unable to nurse from her breast directly, so according to Carswell, she fed them her breast milk with an eye-dropper. Because her new baby, Killian, and the kitties were nurse mates, she says they now share a unique bond.

“There’s a real bond between my baby and the cats. Seeing them playing with balls of yarn or gumming on sardines together is the most precious thing,” Carswell says, although she does admit that reactions have been mixed. “Some people are grossed out and shocked, others are in awe and proud. I am saving kittens with my breastmilk, and it’s amazing.”

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Faux Report

Woman Knits Life-Sized Doll Of Son; Ex-Husband Says It’s ‘Too Creepy’, Sues For Custody

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LOUSIVILLE, Kentucky –

Marieke Voorsluijs says she knitted a life-size version of her son because he is too old to cuddle with her. “I still need to smoother something with my overwhelming maternal love,” she admits, but according to her ex-husband that is not all she is doing with the doll. He is currently suing for custody of their 13 year old son. “He’s got it in his mind that I’m filthy and do dirty things with the doll. I knit it because I love him, but not because I love him. That’s just nasty.”

“My son told me they were visualizing his puberty gap or something like that. Whatever is going on, it sounds dirty. She takes the doll to bed with her. I know that much,” said Joe Goldsmith, Voorsluijs’ ex-husband. “I have no idea what has gotten into her head in the few years since we’ve been divorced. She used to be normal; I only divorced her because she was a bitch, not because she was creepy.”

Since news of Voorsluijs’ doll broke locally, many parents throughout the country have apparently contacted her in hopes of having a doll made of their own children.

“Lots of people love my crocheted child, and I know I do, too,” said Voorsluijs. “I am so glad that this is happening to me right now. People everywhere are asking about buying a doll of their child. Some are offering to pay thousands! This could be a huge business. Joe is just jealous I never made a doll of him, that’s all.”

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Faux Report

Teen Gives Birth To Eleven Babies, Claims She’s Never Even Had Sex

babies

JAMAICA PLAIN, Massachusetts –

A 17-year-old girl gave birth to a record-setting eleven babies on Wednesday evening, smashing the previous record of 8. Mary Lambert of Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts, says that she was not taking any fertility drugs before she got pregnant, and that she doesn’t even know how she became pregnant in the first place.

“My boyfriend and I have never had sex before,” said Lambert, whose father, George, stood nearby. “We have been dating since I was 14 and he was 15, but we’ve never done anything before, not even kissing.”

Doctors say that having eleven babies at once was something they’d never seen before, and dealing with delivery was extremely difficult.

“You ever see those old movies or shows where a clown gets out of a car, and then another clown, and another, and soon you have a whole fleet of clowns that just stepped out of this tiny car? That’s what delivering these babies was like,” said Doctor Eugene Banks. “It’s like this girl’s vagina was a very weird clown car.”

According to Dr. Banks, though, there is no way that Lambert has never had sex.

“Of course she’s had sex. She’s a 17-year-old girl with a boyfriend who just gave birth, naturally I might add, to eleven babies,” said Dr. Banks. “How else does she think she got pregnant?”

“My daughter is a good girl, and if she says she’s never had sex, then she’s never had sex,” said George Lambert. “Just like the virgin mother gave birth to baby Jesus so many years ago, so too is my daughter a virgin Mary. Of course, I only wish God could have sent just one baby. Eleven is a little much.”

 

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Faux Report

Man Severs Spine Trying To Be Hero; Attempted To Lift Car Off Trapped Child

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CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

The Northeast was hit with their first major snowstorm of the winter, and numerous accidents were reported across several states. In New Hampshire, one man is now paralyzed from the waist down after he attempted to lift a car off a child who was trapped after an accident.

“I was right behind the car as it went off the road, and flipped down into the ditch,” said Mario Lemmon, 32. “It was the scariest thing I ever saw. I ran right over to the car, and I saw that the driver, a woman, was dead. Her head had come clean off. There was a child trapped inside, though, and with all my blood pumping, I was so jacked I just thought, ‘shit, I can lift this.’ Turns out cars are heavy.”

Doctors say that Lemmon attempted to lift the car entirely with his back, in a jerking, twisting motion. Proper protocol for a heavy lift is, according to doctors and physical therapists, to do so with your legs.

“I guess in all the excitement, I got confused, and I just went at it, heave-ho,” said Lemmon. “But hey, you know, at least I tried. That’s more than a lot of people would do.”

Lemmon will be paralyzed for the rest of his life. Both the child and his mother, who were not identified, ended up dying at the scene of the accident.

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Faux Report

United States Plans To Enforce 1-Child Limit On Families

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WASHINGTON, D.C – 

China announced this week that they were lifting their decades-old ban on children, which previously only allowed families to have one child. Although not lifted completely, the country did decide to allow people to now have 2 children per household. In the United States, though, the amount of children a person could have has never been regulated – until now.

“We are quickly become an overpopulated nation, much like China,” said President Obama. “People are using and abusing our systems, they are taking handouts and living off the government, all because they had too many children they could not afford. I am all for helping your neighbor, but sometimes, your neighbor must also help themselves.”

According to President Obama, the United States has needed population control for many years, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to pass measures through congress. Right before the 2015 holiday break, the measure was voted on and passed.

“Starting in April of 2016, we will be limiting the number of children a couple may have down to one,” said Obama. “Obviously, if you have more than that currently, that is fine, but you will be required to stop at one child once you have your first. Men will have vasectomies; women, their tubes tied. We cannot take any chances on overpopulating this country, or this world.”

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Faux Report

Japanese Toy Company Releases ‘My First Meat Grinder’ In United States

meat grinder

TOKYO, Japan – 

The Hishomoto Toy Company, who are responsible for some of today’s biggest toys, may have hit a new low with their latest release – a meat grinder that has real, working parts and allows children to crush up play-dough, small toys, or their pets.

“We are very excited to release the ‘My First Meat Grinder’ toy for children who want to learn what it’s like to work in a meat packing plant,” said Hishomoto president Miko Hoshi. “Although many parents may find the toy strange, we love to create toys that get children learning while laughing and having fun.”

The toy, which has been on sale in Japan for just under a year, was released to toy store last month, and has been selling extremely well according to the company.

“We expected to move about 10,000 units before Christmas, but as it turns out, we’ve done nearly 200,000 units,” said Hoshi. “We can barely keep up with demand. Parents are extremely happy to buy their children this toy, which teaches a valuable skill that they can use later in life.”

Hoshi says that they have plans to also release ‘My First Chainsaw,’ ‘My First Garden Shears,’ and ‘My First Meth Lab’ as well.

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