Tag Archives: black

Faux Report

Teen Files Lawsuit Against His Parents Because He Was ‘Born Black’

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A 16-year-old in Boston has filed one of the most controversial lawsuits in modern history, with legal reports showing that he is suing his own biological parents for being born black.

Jamal Cutler, 16, claims he has suffered his whole life from the shame of being born black, especially because he goes to a predominantly white school outside of Boston, Massachusetts.\

“When I was a kid, I’d spend hours in the shower trying to wash off all the black from my skin, but it would never go away,” he recalls painfully.

His parents admit they were completely in shock when they learned their son had hired a lawyer against them. “We just want to end this nonsense, and we want him to come back home. We will love him no matter the color of his skin,” said Cutler’s mother, Maria, 48. “I’d love him even if he was the color of a baboon’s ass.”

The young man’s lawyer, Robert Hoffman, claims his client has suffered severe psychological distress, symptoms of depression, and suicidal tendencies because of what he called “the burden of being a minority.”

“My client did not choose to live this kind of life. Why would he have to carry the burden of hundreds of years of slavery and racism all because his parents had the selfish desire to bring a child into this world?” he sad during the suit’s opening statements before a judge and grand jury. “Because of the level of psychological distress of my client, we ask that his parents pay for all necessary expenses to change his racial status, including skin coloring treatments.”

Cutler, who plans to change his name to John Smith after he converts to “white,” is asking that his parents pay for the $20,000 skin coloring treatment he needs.

His lawyer argued in court that $20,000 is a low price to pay to positively change this young man’s life, considering the suicidal tendencies of his client and the “profound feeling of shame and despair” his client has faced since his birth.

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Faux Report

President Trump Enacts One-Child Law For Minorities

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WASHINGTON, D.C – 

President Trump has just signed Executive Order E1334-L, which will effectively allow for minorities in the United States to have one child per married couple. Trump signed the order in hopes that less gang-bangers and rapists or drug dealers would be born within the country’s borders.

“The crime rate in this country is out of control, and we are working tirelessly to make sure that everyone is safe and happy,” said Trump. “We’ve stopped criminals and terrorists from entering the country, now we need to stop them from being born here.”

The order, which is effective immediately, is already on appeal by the ACLU on the grounds that people cannot be told in our democratic society how many children they may have, but if not overturned by a judge, will stop anyone who is not white from having more than one child. If a couple who is black, hispanic, Asian, etc, already has more than one child, they are allowed to keep the ones they have, but may not be allowed to have more.

“There are a lot of things involved in controlling this, but I have my best people on it,” said Trump. “We’re looking at the numbers, we’re looking at the people, and this will definitely help to curb the crime rate in the United States. If some black couple somewhere can’t have more than one child, they have a much lower chance of giving birth to gang-banger, a rapist, or a drug dealer. Or a filthy skank, if they had a girl.”

 

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Faux Report

Changes In KKK Bylaws Allow For Colored Robes

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DECATUR, Alabama –

The KKK has been a thorn in the side of non-racists for nearly 100 years, but the group – which has seen a decline in membership as time has proven that they are a hate group – is making small changes to their membership bylaws that may entice new people to join, the group hopes.

“We are doing away with the all-white aspect of our group, for starters,” said Grand Master Paul Young. “No, not in skin color, because that would be ridiculous. We definitely only want WASPS in our group. But when it comes to our shawls, we are finally spreading out into an array of colors, allowing for people to make their own statements, while still hating anyone who isn’t just like us.”

Young says that he joined the Klan when he was 14, after his father taught him all about “white being right.”

“I always wanted to move up the ranks, to become a Grand Wizard, and I’m almost there, but I never thought I’d see this day where I could dye my white robes blue, or black,” said Young. “We even have a couple guys who are wearing brown robes, which is hilarious, and totally done in a sense of irony.”

Young says that he has seen other bylaws of the group that will be changed, and he says the public may be “pleasantly surprised” with what they’re doing in the future.

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Faux Report

Kanye West Announces Plans To Run For President

Kanye West Doesn’t Believe Black People Exist

LOS ANGELES, California –

Kanye West has reportedly just thrown his hat into a very diverse ring of candidates for the presidential elections. According to West, he couldn’t find a candidate in the field who was “deserving” or “cool” enough to become the next president, and that running himself was the only viable option.

“I backed Obama, because he’s my boy. He’s black, he’s a great speaker, and he’s black,” said West. “This year, there are no candidates who move me in the same way that Obama moved me. No one to get behind. No one black. That’s why I’m running myself.”

According to West, he will be running as an independent, although at this time he doesn’t have much of a platform.

“I don’t know much about the world, or the things happening in it, but I know that I can change all the bad things and make them good, just like I did to the music industry, just like I’ll keep doing with my family,” said West. When asked why he wasn’t just backing Ben Carson, who is an African-American candidate, West seemed confused. “I have no idea who you’re talking about. Is he the guy who used to cut open babies or something? Yeah, he’s a joke.”

West will make an official announcement of his candidacy on Tuesday.

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Faux Report

Kanye West Announces Plans To Run For President

Kanye West Doesn’t Believe Black People Exist

LOS ANGELES, California –

Kanye West has reportedly just thrown his hat into a very diverse ring of candidates for the presidential elections. According to West, he couldn’t find a candidate in the field who was “deserving” or “cool” enough to become the next president, and that running himself was the only viable option.

“I backed Obama, because he’s my boy. He’s black, he’s a great speaker, and he’s black,” said West. “This year, there are no candidates who move me in the same way that Obama moved me. No one to get behind. No one black. That’s why I’m running myself.”

According to West, he will be running as an independent, although at this time he doesn’t have much of a platform.

“I don’t know much about the world, or the things happening in it, but I know that I can change all the bad things and make them good, just like I did to the music industry, just like I’ll keep doing with my family,” said West. When asked why he wasn’t just backing Ben Carson, who is an African-American candidate, West seemed confused. “I have no idea who you’re talking about. Is he the guy who used to cut open babies or something? Yeah, he’s a joke.”

West will make an official announcement of his candidacy on Tuesday.

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Faux Report

Academy Spokesman Responds To #OscarsSoWhite Hashtag, Says ‘Black People Can’t Act’

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HOLLYWOOD, California – 

In the wake of the Academy Award nominations being released on Thursday, an old hashtag of #OscarsSoWhite re-appeared again on social media, as everyone receiving a nomination in the acting category was Caucasian.

“Every time we announce the nominees, we got a swarm of negativity, and there’s not much we can do about that,” said Academy spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “We aren’t choosing the nominees, the members of the Screen Actors Guild are doing that. It’s of no surprise to us, though, that all the nominees are white, since it’s a well known fact that the blacks can’t act for shit.”

After the comments were made by Goldsmith to the press, a new hashtag of #BoycottTheOscars began to circulate, with many people, including major celebrities, planning on tuning out when it comes to the award ceremony.

“It’s crazy as hell that some cracker thinks that black people can’t act,” said Jamal Richards of Los Angeles. “Ain’t they ever seen a damn Morgan Freeman movie? Ain’t they ever seen Denzel? That motherfucker is amazing. Hell the damn Globes awards people gave him some lifetime achievement and shit. It’s crazy as hell what they doing.”

Even industry insiders were a little confused as to the nominations, and actors like O’Shea Jackson and Samuel L. Jackson both received incredible reviews for their parts in Straight Outta Compton and The Hateful Eight, respectively.

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Faux Report

Man Petitions City to Earn Community Service Credits for Future Infractions

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CHICAGO, Illinois – 

Alen Jackson says he doesn’t plan to break laws intentionally, but he still gets hassled all the time by police and meter-maids because, according to Jackson, “I’m black and proud.”

Jackson has taken his annoyances about laws to the city, where he has proposed what he calls “earn credits.” With the credits, a person wouldn’t get ticketed or hassled for minor infractions, because they’ve earned up a sort of “goodwill” with the city.

“I really don’t mind volunteering for community service or that sort of thing if it meant that I would be able to cash in on it later,” said Jackson. “This would be a successful community outreach program, and I suggest it be implemented, because people who look a certain way are going to get hassled more. It’s just a fact we have to live with, and this would encourage the community to come together.”

Jackson has suggested going as far as pre-serving time. “I could just go in on the weekends, spend a little time, and not have to worry about a wrongful conviction based on my looks later on.”

Jackson has also offered an alternative plan in response to the police brutality and violence he has seen on Facebook. “I have no record of violent offenses, so I don’t want to be shot for no reason,” said Jackson. “There should be a way to advertise this to protect myself. It could be as simple as a microchip. It could send a signal that says, ‘hey, he’s black, but he’s not dangerous,’ and a lot of innocent lives would be saved.”

Chicago lawmakers say they are considering the measures suggested by Jackson.

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Faux Report

Presidential Candidate Ben Carson Arrested On Fraud Charges

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Dr. Ben Carson has reportedly been arrested on charges of fraud after it was revealed that the presidential candidate was not actually black.

According to reports, Dr. Ben Carson was born white, and later changed his skin tone to get ahead in his primary field of surgical medicine.

“It’s very, very easy for a black man to get a job as a surgeon, or any doctor in any field, really,” said Dr. Miles Jones, head of medicine at Cambridge. “Affirmative Action basically makes it extremely easy for anyone who is black to get a job. Employers can’t risk not hiring someone who is African-American on the off-chance that they might get sued for racial discrimination.”

While Dr. Carson has not officially made a statement, a team of democratic naysayers have reportedly unearthed Ben Carson’s original birth certificate, which lists Carson as Caucasian. Dr. Carson’s legal team, as well as his campaign team, maintain that he is, and always has been, African-American.

Carson is being questioned by D.C. Police on charges of defrauding the public and gross misuse of campaign funds, after it was questioned whether or not a white man could actually receive money if the person donating thought it was going to a black man.

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Faux Report

Police Officer Commended, Promoted For Killing Most Civilians In Calendar Year

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BALTIMORE, Maryland – 

Charles “Chuck” Jenner has been a Baltimore police officer for just over 5 years, but he says that 2015 has been the “best year of his life” after he was commended and promoted to lieutenant for shooting and killing the most unarmed civilians.

“You see, being a police officer is an extremely tiring and stressful job,” said Jenner in his speech at the police association’s annual Christmas party. “This year, I am so grateful to be honored for my efforts in ridding the streets of Baltimore of as many pieces of human trash possible. It is with great pleasure that I accept my award and promotion for the slaying of over 220 Baltimore dirtbags.”

Cheers erupting from the audience of officers and retired police force members could be heard from around the block, with many residents extremely upset by the police association’s actions.

“It would be one thing if he’d only shot and killed black people, but he also killed a couple white teens, too,” said Baltimore resident Jim Johnson. “I know they were gang bangers and whatever, but come on – they were white. He should have showed a little more tact in those cases. That said, though, ridding the streets of over 200 people? He deserves that commendation.”

“I for one am outraged that these police are out here, killing with no prejudice whatsoever,” said gang member Crypt Keeper Jay. “Yo, I mean, I gotta watch out for these pigs all the time, because they could just come up and shoot me, and that’s some bullshit. Even the white kids aren’t safe out here. It’s enough to make a motherfucker wanna go back to his job at McDonald’s.”

The next officer in line for a promotion, deputy Mark Rumford, killed only 130 people in the line of duty.

“Better luck next year, I guess,” said Rumford.

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Anonymous Florida Woman Weds Giant, Black Dildo

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MIAMI, Florida – 

A Miami woman is happily married to her fiancee of over 2 years, a giant black dildo that she calls “Ted.”

“Ted and I met after I bought him at a discount sex shop right off the beach a couple years ago,” said the woman, who wishes to remain anonymous. “It was love at first sight. Normally, I’m not attracted to black guys, but with Ted, it was different, and we hit it off immediately.”

The woman says that she and Ted would often go on dates, but mostly spent time alone at home.

“We liked alone time the best,” said the woman. “It’s when Ted and I really got to know each other. He proposed after only about 8 months of dating.”

Florida laws are naturally very lax when it comes to who or what people can marry, because Florida is an extremely odd location filled with extremely odd people.

“I’m just so glad I stopped into the shop that day,” said the woman in an interview with a local Miami newspaper. “I don’t know where’d I’d be today if I hadn’t. Ted fills me up like no man has ever done before; it really and truly is love.”

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Faux Report

Obama’s White House Thanksgiving Dinner Reportedly Only Allowed Black Guests, Only White Servers

white house dinner

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to reports from the White House, the president’s annual Thanksgiving dinner was serviced entirely but white waiters and waitresses, and invitations were sent only to African-Americans, calling some to cry reverse racism.

“I don’t see the problem here,” said President Obama. “All the wait staff were paid incredible wages. They all got to take home the leftovers. All the guests paid to be here, with all the money going to charity. No one seemed hurt by the fact that it was all my black homies at the dinner being served by a bunch of crackers, lease of all the whiteys themselves.”

Republicans who are critical of Obama say that having such a sordid event in the White House only seemed to further the President’s bad name.

“If he had included a couple Mexicans or something at the dinner, then it might not have been so obvious and so brash,” said white Republican Jon Smith. “But, making the dinner an exclusively black affair and then forcing white people to slave away like that? It’s disgusting.”

For his part, Obama said that it really wasn’t done on purpose, it’s just that white people were the only one cleared to be allowed to work in the White House.

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Muslim Man ‘Extremely Pleased’ That Planned Parenthood Shooter Was White

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DALLAS, Texas – 

A Muslim man said that he ‘extremely pleased’ that the Planned Parenthood shooter was white, saying that it takes the heat off all Muslims, at least for a second.

“It’s so nice that he was just a crazy-looking white dude, and not a Muslim or extremist,” said Mohammed Kabal. “Normally, something shitty happens, some shooting or something like that, and it’s always a Muslim. Hell, even if it’s not a Muslim, if the guy is even remotely dark skinned, it’s anti-Muslim across the board from everyone in this country.”

Mohammed says that he hopes that, as there are more inevitable terrorist attacks throughout the world, that the perpetrators are white guys like the Planned Parenthood shooter.

“All those terrorists in Paris, they were European nationals, and most of them, if not all, were white,” said Mohammed. “It changed the game for us Muslims.”

 

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