Category Archives: Faux Report

Faux news articles

Faux Report

Man Arrested For Peeping Into Third Story Apartment Window To Watch Couple Have Sex

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Police in Boston arrested Martin Landon Jr., 33, after he was caught peeking into the third story window of an apartment building, reportedly watching a couple have sex, while he masturbated.

The authorities were called after the couple happened to look out their window and see Landon staring in at them.

“My first thought was ‘Oh my God, someone is staring at us!” said Joanne Lavey. “I thought it was my husband at first, and I was finally caught in the act. But it wasn’t, obviously. My second thought was, ‘How the hell is someone peeking at us? We’re on the third floor! By now my lover had also seen him, so the party was over, of course. He went limp immediately.'”

When police arrived, they found Landon with his pants around his ankles and his penis in his hand. They also happened to notice that the man had an overly long neck, and was only standing on a couple of discarded boxes in order to see in the third story window.

“Mr. Landon would be of average hight, possibly less, but because of his 3 foot tall neck, it really adds some height,” said police chief Richard Jameson. “In this situation, it caused a couple some massive distress. Frankly, I can’t blame them. If I were in the middle of a torrid affair, looking on my window and seeing Landon would be the last thing I’d want to happen.”

 

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Faux Report

Man Born With Two Penises Is Suing The Government So He Can Marry Two Women

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WATERTOWN, Connecticut – 

Jerry Newbury, 29, is currently trying to sue the state of Connecticut, saying that polygamous marriage should be made legal, at least in special cases like his.

“I was born with two penises, and therefore, I should  be allowed to marry two women,” said Newbury, a construction worker in Watertown. “I have never been sexually satisfied just having one woman, but this isn’t even just about the sex. This is also about love. I’ve met two beautiful, amazing women, and they both want to marry me. This is a quest for love!”

A lawyer for Newbury, Martin Preston III, Esq., argues that “the time for polygamy” has come.

“We have interracial marriage, we have gay marriage. I think it’s time that if a man wants to marry multiple women, he should be allowed,” state Preston. “This man is doing a brave service. Think of how hard it is having one, bitchy, nagging wife. Mr. Newbury wants to take on TWO! Imagine how painful this will be for him when their cycles inevitably match up? It will be torture.”

So far, the judge on the case has not made any formal ruling.

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Faux Report

Jewish Reporter Asks Trump If He Plans To Put Menorah In the White House; Trump Tells Him ‘F*** The Jews’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

After lavish Christmas decorations and beautiful, “snow” covered trees were unveiled in the White House, many reporters and photographers were taken aback, and caught up in a Christmas spirit that many say was missing from the White House over the last several years.

But one reporter, who happens to be Jewish, wasn’t as impressed. Silas Jones, 30, of the New York Beat Entertainment magazine was reporting on the White House Christmas unveiling, and asked President Trump if they planned to add a menorah to the White House decorations in a couple of weeks when Chanukah starts.

“Fuck the Jews, no way am I putting up a menorah,” said Trump. “Everyone knows that the Jews are a dirty, disgusting people. And plus, they killed Jesus, and I can’t even stomach the idea of putting Jewey things next to these beautiful Christmas trees that my wife spent hours working to get up. No, there won’t be any Jew stuff here in the White House.”

Although this is the kind of comment that would normally bring outrage from the Left and from civil liberties groups such as the ACLU, Trump’s comments like this come so often that no one was even that offended.

“Totally expected,” said Jones. “I honestly only asked to get a rise, and he gave exactly what I wanted. He’s such an assclown.”

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Faux Report

Healthcare Plans in Marketplace Set To Triple on January 1st

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

If you’re having a hard time affording your healthcare through the government’s Affordable Care Act marketplace now, then on January 1st, you might have to take out a second, or even a third, job to afford it.

According to reports, the marketplace healthcare costs are going to triple for most plans, with the average cost of a standard family plan hitting $2200 a week.

“These increased costs are happening, essentially, because of the freeloaders on government programs,” said Martin Long, director of the ACA Marketplace. “There’s a lot of people who think that they can get something for nothing, but that’s obviously not the case. Someone has to pay for it. And those people are, well, everyone else who actually does pay for their healthcare.”

The current pricing model already starts high for anyone who is offered healthcare through their employer.

“I can’t afford the healthcare offered through my work,” said Robert Thomas of New Hampshire. “It’s about $800 a month for my family at the cheapest option. That’s literally one of my paychecks, gone, each month. And I only get two checks! Because my work offers healthcare, even though I can’t afford it, I’m forced to get the gold level program through the ACA. And you know what that costs? Yup, about $800 a month. Frankly, it’s stupid.”

When told that the cost for his family’s insurance would be going from $800 a month to nearly $2100 for the same coverage, Thomas only had one thing to say.

“Thanks, Trump,” said Thomas.

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Faux Report

Best Buy Posts Record-High Deaths During Black Friday Sales; ‘Best We’ve Ever Done’ Says CEO

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DELUTH, Mississippi – 

Best Buy Inc., the nation’s largest electronics retailer that hasn’t yet succumbed to Amazon, posted record high deaths during their annual Black Friday sales this morning. CEO Mark Chambers noted that in all of the company’s 1200 stores, there was at least one death, with several stores having multiple people die during the event.

“The Austin, Texas store, which came in last place in 2016 with only 1 death, skyrocketed to first place this year,” said Chambers. “Store 2118  right in downtown Austin had a staggering 23 deaths this year, and we couldn’t be more proud. They had 13 people trampled, 6 were shot, 3 had heart attacks, and 1 was stabbed in the neck for the last blu-ray copy of Wonder Woman. It is truly an amazing feat.”

Walmart also posted high numbers of deaths and injuries this year, although they were down from 2016, where the company saw 1,884 deaths, including 28 employees.

“Employee death is something we have yet to achieve, but we think we’ll get there,” said Chambers. “Walmart really knows how to get things done. We’re learning a lot from them.”

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Faux Report

HIV Needles Are Being Placed on Gas Pump Handles – Over 40 People Already Infected

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JACKSONVILLE, Florida – 

Captain Abraham Sands of the Jacksonville, Florida Police Department released a statement cautioning people about a new, dangerous event that has been happening throughout the state.

“I have been asked by state and local authorities to write this email in order to get the word out to car drivers of a very dangerous prank that is occurring in numerous states,” said Sands. “Some person or persons have been affixing hypodermic needles to the underside of gas pump handles. These needles appear to be infected with HIV positive blood. In the Jacksonville area alone there have been 17 cases of people being stuck by these needles over the past five months. We have verified reports of at least 12 others in various states around the country.”

It is believed that these may be copycat incidents, as this crime has happened in the past, and was a popular “prank” in the early 1990s. At this point no one has been arrested, and police say catching the perpetrator or perpetrators has become a top priority.

“Shockingly, of the 17 people who where stuck, eight have tested HIV positive and because of the nature of the disease, the others could test positive in a couple years, according to physicians,” said Sands. “If you do find a needle affixed to one, immediately contact your local police department so they can collect the evidence. It is IMPERATIVE that you check the handle of the pump before you grab it. It could save your life.”

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Faux Report

The FDA and CDC Just CONFIRMED That Vaccines Cause Autism

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

There’s widespread and growing lack of confidence in the safety of vaccines. If you know anyone who still believes that vaccines can’t cause autism, you might want to show them this article. Take a look at the DTaP vaccine insert:

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These reports come directly from the FDA website, where they have had it posted for several years, although it was “buried” under a lot of links and other research that obscured the actual research.

“This has been a problem for many, many years, and I’m glad it’s finally coming to light,” said Dr. Mario Garcia, who was one of the first to find the correlation between vaccines and autism. “I was shut out for years from being able to talk about this, but now that others are finding out, I am very grateful. Please, do not vaccinate your children.”

 

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Faux Report

New Poll Shows People Trust Flint, MI Tap Water More Than They Trust President Trump

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DETROIT, Michigan – 

A new survey released today from the prestigious Harvard College of Detroit shows that residents across the state rated Flint tap water higher on the ‘Trustworthiness’ scale than current President Donald Trump. In the study, they found that Trump only was able to score a 14%, while Flint tap water scored a surprising 49%.

“Well, what do you expect?” said Michigan resident Duke Henry. “Thanks to the tap water in Flint, we’re really, really good at smelling shit. We know when something isn’t right. I can’t see through the tap water here, but I can see right through that Cheeto, and all of his lies.”

Resident Shirley Tanner agrees. “At some point you have to stop blaming the water for the fact your kids are dumb and lazy,” she said. “I would trust a fart after a Taco Bell run more than I’d ever trust President Trump.”

Other findings from the study were also critical of Trump’s trustworthiness. “Donald Trump’s lies affect brain development, in both children and adults, but especially those active on the internet,” said Dr. Miles Teller, who conducted the study. “Exposure to Trump’s falsehoods can also cause, among other things, full-blown retardation in those exposed for long periods of time. The neurological and behavioral effects of his lies are believed to be irreversible.”

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Faux Report

BREAKING: President Trump Hospitalized After Eating a Piece of Poisoned Halloween Candy

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump has reportedly been rushed to the emergency room after becoming extremely ill and vomiting after eating a piece of Halloween candy. White House officials and police are remaining tight-lipped, but an anonymous staffer has confirmed that authorities believe the candy was poisoned.

“Trump decided that he wanted to dress up and trick-or-treat through the White House, and so every person on staff was required to stand in a doorway with a bowl of candy, and wait for President Trump to come and collect some,” said the staffer. “We do not know from which person or room the tainted candy may have come, but police are investigating.”

At this time, there is no further word on the President’s condition. This is the first known case of a poisoning perpetrated on Halloween of a President.

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Faux Report

Couple Arrested After Police Discover Over 20 Thousands Pounds of Marijuana in Home

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CONCORD, New Hampshire –

A New Hampshire couple has been arrested after an anonymous tip lead police to find nearly 20,000 pounds of marijuana in the home.

Carl and Debbie Rutherberg, both 40, said that they had “no intention” of selling the weed, or transporting it, they say the simply buy a lot, and don’t use it very often.

“It’s for our glaucoma, and for our aches and pains,” said Carl Rutherberg. “We don’t sell it, we never have. We’re good, honest people, and this is a huge mistake.”

Ironically, the couple live in New Hampshire, sandwiched between other states, such as Massachusetts and Maine, where marijuana has been legalized – albeit not in this amount.

“If we had a couple plants, and lived an hour south, this would have been totally legal,” said Debbie. “Instead, we get a few hundred tons and are stuck in New Hampshire, and we’re in jail? Live Free or Die my ass.”

The couple face felony drug charges that would send them away for life.

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Faux Report

Trump Sues Couple Who Name Their Son In His Honor

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BOISE, Idaho – 

Marissa and Alex Murphy of Idaho say they have been Donald Trump supporters “since the beginning,” and are adamant that he will help to Make America Great Again. They are such strong fans that they named their newborn son in his honor: Donald Trump Murphy. But the naming has apparently caused them a great deal of issues, as President Trump has reportedly filed a lawsuit against the couple.

“Donald Trump is suing us for breach of copyright and trademark,” said Marissa, 30. “We named our son Donald because we love President Trump. This was supposed to be something beautiful, but we are so distressed. It would cost us a lot to have his name changed at this point, but President Trump is suing us anyway, saying that no one else can be named Donald Trump. He apparently has a copyright on his own name.”

President Trump could not be reached for comment, but a spokesman from the White House did admit there was a lawsuit pending. The amount is undisclosed, but the Murphys say it is for $3 million.

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President Trump Just Raised The Age Limit For Cigarettes and Tobacco to 25

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The US government has announced that they are raising the age of consumption for cigarettes and tobacco products to 25 years old, due to the increasing health dangers of tobacco.  The cost of healthcare to treat the illnesses caused by tobacco was $187 billion in 2016.

 

“Cigarettes contain over 7000 chemicals and compounds. Hundreds of these are toxic, and at least 69 are cancer-causing,” said President Trump in a statement on the new law. “We are also currently considering adding an additional $12.50 tax to the price of a pack of cigarettes. As they say: A vote for raising the cigarette tax, as well as raising the age of consumption, is a vote against cancer.”

Most states will be required to increase their tobacco tax, because they expect the sales of cigarettes to dramatically decrease when raising the legal age of consumption to 25.

Citizens for Tobacco Rights, a group which champions the right for adults to smoke, say they are not happy about this new law,  which is set to take effect in January.

“If Congress gives the president what he wants, federal excise taxes will have increased almost ten-fold in just over a decade,” says the tobacco rights website. “The president’s tax increase will take the average price per pack up to $7.85, and put more than 70% of the price you pay for cigarettes into government pockets.”

When raising the legal age of tobacco consumption to 25, you can expect more black-market sales of cigarettes as well as arrests for underage purchases. Activists say this law will only add to the problem.

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Faux Report

8-Month-Old Baby Gets Pregnant After Getting Routine Vaccine

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MONMOUTH, Maryland

An 8-month-old baby was recently discovered to be pregnant, after being hospitalized only a few hours after receiving a routine MMR vaccine.

The baby, whose name is being withheld for privacy reasons, was slightly behind in her 6-month shots for MMR, and after taking ill, the mother brought the baby to a local hospital.

“After conducting a battery of tests, we concluded that the baby girl was, in fact, pregnant,” said Dr. Martin Klein of Monmouth Regional Hospital. “This is the first time I have ever seen anything like this, and frankly, I’m completely stunned as to how this could have happened.”

The mother of the child, Mary, said that she is “dumbfounded” about this, but that she knew that there was a reason that so many people were becoming anti-vaxx lately.

“This movement of people not vaccinating their children, I always thought it was just because no one wants a retard baby, but this is just way worse than I thought,” said Mary. “I only wanted to raise one baby, and thanks to vaccines, now I have to raise two? How am I going to do that on a waitress’ salary? This is crazy. My husband is going to FLIP OUT.”

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President Trump Pardons Himself For Years of Sexual Assaults and Abuse

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump pardoned himself this morning for what he says are years of “alleged” sexual assault accusations, as well as rumblings of abuse. Despite the President not being formally charged with any crimes, many women have accused him of sexual misconduct over the years, all of which he has denied.

“In the wake of my good friend, Mister Harvey Weinstein, being viciously attacked by the media over abuse charges, I felt it was time to act in advance of any legal or civil charges being lobbied my way,” said President Trump. “Although I adamantly deny that I have ever been sexually inappropriate with any woman, especially the ugly ones who always accuse me of doing so, I have fully pardoned myself of any and all crimes and charges.”

While it was pointed out to the president that he could neither pardon himself, nor could he pre-pardon someone for crimes they have not been charged with, Trump remained steadfast in his decision that he had been fully pardoned.

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