Category Archives: Faux Report

Faux news articles

Faux Report

Extensive 10-Year Study Shows That People Who Own Cats are Cat Owners

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

An extensive study performed by a research team at Boston’s prestigious Harvard University have concluded that people who are in possession of a cat are, in fact, cat owners.

“For years, people have been asking the question, ‘I have a cat – am I a cat owner?’, and we finally have an answer for them,” said lead researcher, Dr. Cris Craven. “The answer is, without a doubt, yes.”

Many people who own a cat were fearful that they may, in fact, be dog owners, which most said would worry them greatly.

“It would be horrible to be a dog owner,” said cat owner Rae Jean Robinson. “My cats would definitely not like it if I was a dog owner. I mean, I’ve never had a dog around, because I can’t stand dogs, so I was pretty sure I wasn’t a dog owner. But this actually confirms that I am, in fact, a cat owner, so I’m stoked.”

Researchers are still working to determine whether people who are in possession of a horse are, in fact, horse owners.

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Faux Report

Michigan Welfare Changes Start in January – No More Soda, Chips, Candy, or Junk Food

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DETROIT, Michigan – 

As of January 1st, major changes to the Michigan State Welfare Program will take effect, and the largest difference will be what people are allowed to buy with their food stamps.

According to changes in the welfare laws, Michigan residents will no longer be allowed to buy junk food, candy, soda, or anything the state has deemed to have “less than regular” nutritional value. The changes come after a study found that the number one purchase using food stamps were 2-liter bottles of Mountain Dew, followed closely by Doritos.

“The people of Michigan are fat, lazy, and useless. Most of them are living off the state as it is, and these welfare leeches need a drastic wakeup call,” said Michigan Senator Marc Collins. “These changes are for the good of the state. Health will improve, and people can stop draining our society and get back to work. They’re going to have to if they want Mountain Dew and potato chips.”

“This is some serious, extremely lame bullshit,” said welfare recipient Gary Gross. “I ain’t living off the welfare. I got a job. I work 11 hours a week, and that’s all they can give me. I bust my ass them 11 hours, too, but I need them food stamps to live. If I ain’t getting them, or ain’t able to buy soda and chips, then what’s the point of getting them? Am I supposed to buy steaks or something? Shit, you gotta cook those!”

Officially, the changes to the Welfare restrictions will take place January 14th, 2018, but state representatives are telling people to start buying healthier options as of January 1st.

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Faux Report

Man Dressed as Clown Arrested After He Was Found Eating a Live Cat

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GREENSBURG, Iowa – 

At around 2:30 a.m. on September 30th, Greensburg police received a phone call from a worried resident saying that she heard very concerning sounds coming from an alleyway near her house.

Officers who arrived on the scene say they found a twenty-something male dressed as a clown, eating a live cat whose legs were zip-tied together. The cat was still crying for help as the individual was seemingly eating around the vital spots, prolonging it’s death.

“When the individual noticed us approaching, he started petting the cat and said ‘curiosity killed the cat, I wanted to see if it tasted like Chinese food,'” said Officer Mark Hanlan, who was first on the scene. “He was non resistant during arrest, however he did not have identification, and when asked his name he only replied ‘Furball The Clown.'”

In the holding cell, police say the clown kept calling to a female officer, saying “here, kitty kitty,” and was trying bite the cell bars. He was transferred to a high security prison while awaiting trial, which is disturbingly scheduled for October 31st – Halloween day. Police were unable to determine the clown’s true identity.

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Faux Report

New State Laws Will Base Your Speeding Ticket on the Model of Your Car

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

As of January 1, 2018, if you are caught speeding, the amount of your fine will depend on the model of your vehicle, lawmakers say. The change will be used to help pay for more police, and more road repairs in nearly every state in the country.

“The more expensive the vehicle, the more expensive the fine will be,” said George Marks, R-Georgia, who sponsored the bill, which was passed by the House on September 21st. “If you can afford a $90,000 Tesla sports car, then your ticket is going to be a lot higher than the tool driving the beat up Mazda.”

For photographs taken by radar, an auto expert will determine the model of the car, motorcycle, or truck. The cheapest vehicles will be fined lightly, whereas high-end vehicles will face much heavier fines.

This measure acknowledges the inequality between those “who can afford” to pay the fines and those who “suffer” under the repressive system. Thus, the wallets of the most well-to-do will be hit just as hard as those of the most humble.

The measure promises to reduce delinquency on the road by the wealthy, thus eliminating the feeling of impunity shared among more and more drivers.

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Faux Report

Ohio Woman Kills Alligator Using Only a Plastic Butter Knife

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CLEVELAND, Ohio – 

The Ohio river is known for its vast selection of weird fish and creatures in the water. People have reported seen everything from small, fresh-water sharks to barracuda. It seems that you can now officially add alligators to that list.

On September 20th, Ben Shoemaker and his family were swimming in the Ohio river when they noticed something in the water.

“It was an abnormally hot and humid day so we decided to take a dip,” said Shoemaker. “At first I thought it was a log floating along the fiver. The sucker must have been at least 9ft long, he was huge.”

The same day, Cleveland local Lauri Dukes was picnicking in River Park when she spotted the behemoth ‘gator sunning on the park’s shore.

“The only weapon I had was a plastic butter knife from my lunch,” said Dukes, 38. “I was was using it to spread mayonnaise on a sandwich, but I realized this ‘gator was a threat to the community, so I killed it with a swift stab through the eye.”

The Ohio Parks Service noted that people should not approach dangerous animals when they see them, and that Duke is lucky that she wasn’t injured or killed.

“Oh, hogwash, total hogwash,” said Ms. Duke. “That thing wasn’t going to hurt me, but it could have hurt some young child or a family. No way, you have to act and act face when you see danger. Now my family will be receiving Gator skin boots for Christmas this year, too.”

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Faux Report

President Trump Takes Away Citizenship of ‘Anchor Babies’ – Children Born In the U.S. To Illegal Immigrants

Donald Trump to Give All His Money to Cancer Research

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump doesn’t believe babies born in the United States to undocumented immigrant parents are American citizens.

“I don’t think they have American citizenship and if you speak to some very, very good lawyers — and I know some will disagree, but many of them agree with me — and you’re going to find they do not have American citizenship,” Trump said Tuesday in an interview with Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly. “We have to start a process where we take back our country. Our country is going to hell.”

Trump claims that those born on U.S. soil to illegal immigrants don’t have full citizens’ rights. “What happens is they’re in Mexico, they’re going to have a baby, they move over here for a couple of days, they have the baby,” he told O’Reilly. Trump asserted, “Many lawyers are saying that’s not the way it is in terms of this,” and went on to say, “They are saying it is not going to hold up in court. It will have to be tested but they say it will not hold up in court.”

The GOP presidential hopeful does not, however, support amending the Constitution to repeal birthright citizenship, saying it would be a “long process.”

“I think it would take too long,” he told Fox News. “I’d much rather find out whether or not anchor babies are citizens because a lot of people don’t think they are. We’re going to test it out.”

Trump will begin the process to locate and deport illegal “Anchor Babies” as early as next week. Any immigrant who has illegally overstayed a visa or entered the country illegally, along with any children of illegal immigrants, no matter what age or how long they have resided in the United States, will be deported beginning as early as mid-February.

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Faux Report

Trump Tweets His Support for Federal Legalization of Marijuana

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump recently admitted to “hitting the bong” in a brave tweet, in which he called for legalization of marijuana at the federal level. The President said that he was wrong, and it seems things may be changing. Trump tweeted earlier today:

“Now that I have actually tried hitting the bong, I realize I was wrong. Marijuana should DEFINITELY be legal at the federal level. So dank.”

There was no further word on whether President Trump planned to make changes to the laws banning marijuana, but pot smokers everywhere are rejoicing.

“Oh man, that’s dope as hell,” said stoner Derek Paul after reading the tweet from the President. “I hated this dude, but if he’s gonna be hit the bowl, too, and gonna make the shit legal, then I respect the hell out of him. That’s awesome.”

Trump did not mention the tweet in a press conference that was held only hours later, although several times he was asked to elaborate on “hitting the bong” by journalists.

 

 

 

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Faux Report

Netflix Buys Illegal Torrent Downloading Website The Pirate Bay

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CUPERTINO, California – 

Netflix, one of the world’s largest media companies, has just announced that they have purchased the popular illegal torrent website The Pirate Bay. TPB, as its commonly known, is one of the biggest sources of illegal online traffic, providing links for downloads of movies, music, pornography, and even textbooks.

Of the top 200 links on the website, 40 of them are Netflix properties, including the lastest film in the Child’s Play series, as well as Orange is the New Black, Stranger Things, and several stand-up comedy specials. With the knowledge that many of their owned works were being bootlegged, Netflix CEO Reed Hastings said he decided the best course of action was to buy the site.

“A lot of these websites, they claim to have some sort of principles, like they aren’t in it for the money, but for the freedom of information,” said Hastings. “Frankly, that’s bullshit. Of course they’re in it for the money. No one does anything without an endgame, and theirs was to get rich on someone else’s work – in this case movies, music, and TV. Knowing that, I went to them with an offer, and they accepted.”

Although the details of the deal were not made public, sources speculate that the purchase probably cost Netflix somewhere in the nature of $250 million. Their plans are to keep the site active, and charge users on a per-download basis.

“No use shutting it down entirely, that would be stupid,” said Hastings. “Instead, we’re going to keep it going, but no one will be taking our product anymore. They can pay for it like everyone else.”

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Faux Report

Moviegoers Burn Down Theatre After Showing of Controversial Film That Portrays Jesus Christ as Gay

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DETROIT, Michigan – 

A controversial new independent film has caused an extreme reaction from moviegoers, after it was screened in downtown Detroit. The film, which portrays Jesus Christ as a homosexual who has been cast from Heaven by God, created such an extreme negative reaction during the premiere, that the crowd destroyed the theatre by setting it on fire, causing over $2 million in damages.

Gay For Pray: The Erotic Adventures of Jesus Christ was released this month through an independent film releasing company, and is the first-known depiction of Jesus as a homosexual on film. The movie is being called one of the most highly controversial of all time, and the director says that he is “overjoyed” by the reaction.

“There’s nothing that could possibly be better than a crowd that is so moved by a film that they actually burn the theatre to the ground,” said Nathan Rumler, the filmmaker behind the movie. “I hope that at every screening they end up destroying the place, it would be a dream come true to leave that kind of mark on the movie going public.”

Many people who were at the screening refused to identify themselves in fear they might be held liable for the damage, but Empire News managed to speak to one woman who was there during the premiere.

“As a devout Christian, I was appalled at what I saw in this movie,” said Margaret Richards, who attended the screening. “I had no idea what the movie was about, but the theatre had given free passes. This movie is the most offensive thing I’ve ever seen. It has blackface! And nasty sex talk and…sex items shaped like the Cross! Jesus is most definitely not gay, the Bible would have said so, and wouldn’t have told us to hate homosexuals if he was! This movie was the most blasphemous thing I’ve witnessed in my life. And the violence, and the language! And a naked girl bends over and shows her hoo-ha to everyone! I am disgusted just thinking about it.”

Rumler agrees that the movie is extremely offensive, but that in this day and age, freedom of speech is important.

“In a time where NFL players are being lambasted for kneeling down during our National Anthem, I applaud freedom of speech. I applaud vulgarity and sex, nudity and extreme violence!” said Rumler. “If someone doesn’t like it, that’s really not my problem. It probably shouldn’t have been something they watched in the first place. I’m not going to sit down and watch The Notebook just so I can burn the theatre down in anger, am I? Hell no.”

The film will continue to show in limited run at festivals and events throughout the remainder of the year, but Rumler says he has “no plans at all” to pull the release.

 

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Faux Report

NFL Players Put In Protective Custody After Man Threatens To ‘Kill All Those Kneeling Sons of Bi*ches’

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

More than 40 NFL players from 8 different teams have been put into protective custody after the commission received an anonymous threat stating a planned attack against people who took a knee during the National Anthem. The threat, which was received via mail, has been confirmed as genuine by the FBI.

“We have received information that demanded our immediate attention and action, and we have worked quickly to protect key targets in the NFL,” said FBI spokesman Carl Lore. “We have determined that the threat is real, and that we needed to place 43 of the players into protective custody, along with their immediate families.”

For their safety, the players and teams were not mentioned specifically, but it won’t be long before fans start to find out who is missing.

“Unfortunately, many of these players have upcoming games, and they will not be able to play,” said Lore. “We have worked very closely with the NFL on this, and they have been very cooperative in providing their full assistance.”

There was no official comment from the NFL at the time of this writing.

 

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Faux Report

Louisville Coach Rick Pitino Just Used His Contract Buyout To Purchase The Playboy Mansion

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LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – 

Louisville coach Rick Pitino, one of the winningest coaches in NCAA history who has won 770 games and two national championships and made seven Final Four appearances while also weathering multiple scandals, was put on unpaid leave Wednesday, after he was accused of secretly partnering with Adidas to funnel nearly $100,000 to the family of an elite prospect.

In response, Pitino asked for his release, which would entail a full contract buyout, ringing it at over $40 million dollars. His first purchase? The Playboy Mansion.

“I’ve wanted to buy the mansion for as long as I can remember, that grotto is a dream,” said Pitino. “Hugh Hefner was a legend, and a personal idol. He was smart, business savvy, and could – and did – have every girl he ever wanted. His death is tragic, but thankfully, his death has granted me my ultimate wish…to become the new owner of his Playboy Mansion.”

In 2015, a self-proclaimed escort named Katina Powell claimed in a tell-all book that she had been part of over 20 parties set up by the school for basketball players. The parties would bring in prostitutes to engage in sex acts with recruits to entice them to attend the college. At the time, Pitino had said he had “no knowledge” of the parties, but his most recent purchase may indicate otherwise, at least in the eyes of detractors.

“No, I definitely didn’t know of any sex parties at the school, or for players,” said Pitino. “All I know is what I heard afterwards. I wasn’t even invited, which is a total drag. I will tell you that I know of a lot of upcoming sex parties, you can bet on that. I won’t say when, but everyone absolutely knows where.”

Pitino has been the head coach in Louisville for almost 2 decades, but says that being put on leave might be the best thing that ever happened to him.

“I was upset at first, but in retrospect, sports aren’t forever. They’re not tangible, they’re nothing. They’re just in the now,” said Pitino. “You know what’s forever? The Playboy Mansion. That’s forever. It’s legendary. I can’t wait to move in and try it out…if you know what I mean.”

The sale is expected to go through within the next few weeks, as soon as Pitino’s contract payment is processed.

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Faux Report

New ‘Super Ecstasy’ Has Hit The Streets; Police Warn It Could End Up In Your Kids’ Halloween Bag

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Police throughout California have issued a warning to parents about a new “super ecstasy,” which has hit the streets throughout most of the West Coast. This high-powered drug comes in the shapes of teddy bears or other animals, and resembles a candy or a vitamin.

A warning was issued first by Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department after 11 children overdosed on the drug, 3 of whom later died from the dangerous toxins in the drugs.

“Parents should be advised that dealers are hanging out near schools, and giving these teddies to children, but they are not candy, and are, in fact, extremely dangerous. If you see these ecstasy bears, please call the sheriff’s department or 911 immediately.”

According to police, the ecstasy is “supercharged,” in that it will hit the system of someone who has taken it nearly 20 times faster than regular, or “traditional” ecstasy, thus causing the person to go into an almost immediate shock.

“Frankly, we don’t know why anyone would make these at all, because the whole point of taking drugs is to get high, enjoy it, and then want to get more drugs,” said Officer Mark Ruben of the LA County Sheriff’s Department. “Killing your clients is kind of useless. At any rate, they’re pretty dangerous, so maybe keep an eye on what your kids are doing, and we’re only a month away from Halloween, so check their bags two or three times before you let them dive in. You never know.”

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Faux Report

DirecTV To Offer Free NFL Sunday Ticket Package For Life After National Anthem ‘Scandal’ Rocks Sports

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DELUTH, Minnesota  – 

Are you ready for some football? AT&T Co., the parent company of DirecTV, announced today that they would be giving current NFL Sunday Ticket subscribers free access to the package for as long as they use the DirecTV system, noting that the recent scandal involving NFL players kneeling during the National Anthem had caused many subscribers to be extremely angry.

“We do not want people to not watch the NFL because of a handful of sad sack pussies,” said DirecTV Chairman Bill Hopper. “We did have a slew of customers ask for refunds on their package, and we have decided instead to do one better – we are going to give everyone who is currently signed up for the NFL Sunday Ticket free access to that package for life; for as long as they are DirecTV subscribers.”

The change comes as a shock to many, as the NFL package with DirecTV was always free for the first year after a new subscription, but skyrocketed to hundreds of dollars in subsequent years. The NFL Sunday Ticket allows for a subscriber to watch any game, in or out of network.

“Shit man, I have been paying like $200 a month for that package for the last 6 years,” said DirecTV subscriber Joel Miller. “Getting it for free? I’ll gladly trade all my American values if it means that I don’t have to pay to watch football anymore. I was pretty pissed that they’d sit for the anthem, but the hell with that. This is football!”

 

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NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell Steps Down After Controversy Over National Anthem

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has announced that he will step down from his position in light of the recent events surrounding players on several teams kneeling or sitting during the National Anthem. President Trump recently blamed Goodell for the behavior of the players, and said that he “should be ashamed” of himself.

“I am extremely ashamed, and I am embarrassed by the behavior of these players,” said Goodell. “President Trump is absolutely right that this is my fault. I allowed this to happen, and the players should be fired – but that’s not my decision to make anymore, as I am stepping down from this position.”

Goodell says that it isn’t just the recent events that lead him to this decision.

“Did you see the number of towels, t-shirts, and flags with my picture on it? Me, with a clown nose,” said Goodell. “I honestly just couldn’t take it. I ordered all broadcasters to not mention it at all, but there must have been 60 to 70,000 people wearing the shirts at the Patriots opener. It’s just too much pressure, and I’m done.”

The NFL has not yet said who they play to put in charge at this time, as they were “completely blindsided” by Goodell’s departure.

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