Tag Archives: TV

Faux Report

‘Cash Me Outside’ Girl Revealed To Actually Be 45-Year-Old Man

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Danielle Bregoli, better known as the “cash me outside” or “catch me outside” girl who was made famous by her atrocious behavior and fake street-girl accent on the Dr. Phil Show, has been revealed to be an actor, 45-year-old Danny Meyers.

Meyers is a YouTube sensation, who said that he started the character of Danielle on his channel, and it didn’t really catch on.

“When I took her to national TV, that’s when this entire thing really started to pay off,” said Meyers. “I really didn’t think it was going to blow up like it did, but it ended up being hilarious.”

Meyers is known for his extensive pranks and characters from his YouTube series, Pranks and Characters, and he says the character of the “cash me outside” girl just came naturally.

“I used to watch me sister and her friends get ready for a night on the town, and they ended up just spending the whole time putting on too much makeup and talking shit about boys and trying to act tough,” said Meyers. “I come from Stamford, Connecticut. There is nobody hard in Connecticut.”

Meyers appeared on the Dr. Phil Show twice as Danielle, and even went through an entire 3-week course at a camp to deter wayward youth.

“Being on that ranch was tough, I’m not going to lie. There were several times I wanted to give up, tell them it was all a joke, and move on,” said Meyers. “But I stuck it out. I figured I owed Dr. Phil that much for making me famous.”

There was no comment made from Meyers about who played Danielle’s mother on the Dr. Phil Show, or if he plans to retire the character now that he has outed himself.

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Faux Report

Samsung Develops New TV Set That Will Literally Babysit Your Children

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JAPAN – 

Samsung International has announced a new television set that they plan to release sometime in the first quarter of 2017, and they say it is “revolutionary” in its abilities.

“For years, parents have used the television as a babysitter for their children,” said Samsung developer of Product Toshiro Hokinama. “Whether they were too lazy, too tired, or too interested in where to get their next fix, parents have been plopping their annoying children in front of the screen since the 50s. Now, we’ve taken the idea of a TV as a babysitter and shot it into the 21st century.”

Hokinama went on to explain that the TV would be fixed with cameras in the front and sides, and would allow parents to monitor their children from mobile devices anywhere they could get WiFi of 4G connections. Going a step further, though, was the televisions ability to interact with the children themselves.

“The TV will talk to your child. It will ask him or her what they want to watch. It will show them colors and shapes and beautiful images whenever an actual program is not airing,” said Hokinama. “It will also be able to sternly discipline your children when they are not listening or if they start to wander off. We are considering developing robotic arms for higher-end models that would actually be able to deliver a swift slap to the bum of your child, if it’s needed.”

 

 

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Faux Report

J.K. Rowling: ‘Ron and Hermione Will Divorce In Harry Potter Sequel’

LONDON, England – 

Harry Potter fans are shocked by JK Rowling’s announcement that Ron and Hermione divorce in the new book. The official sequel, Harry Potter and The Cursed Child, focuses on Potter’s child, Albus Severus. It will be released as both a play and a book on July 31st.

Harry Potter is now “an overworked employee of the Ministry of Magic, a husband and father of three school-age children. Although the focus is on the Potter family, Ron and Hermoine rejoin the hero to fight the forces of evil, while going through a heated divorce and custody battle.”

“I rushed the ending a bit, didn’t think through the epilogue, and now I have some major regrets,” says Rowling. In the epilogue to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which is set 19 years later, it’s revealed that Harry married Ginny Weasley, Ron’s sister, and they have three children. Ron and Hermione have two kids together. The author says, “Hermione and Ron should have never ended up together. Opposites may attract, but it usually doesn’t last. I will be undoing a great injustice to the characters and fans.”

Conservative Christian groups have announced their plans to continue to boycott the books based on moral grounds. Harry Potter Fanclub member, Kelly Slater says she feels the new developments are true to life. “Ron leaves Hermione for some younger, hotter bitch. Kids need to learn that it happens in the wizarding world and it happens in real life.”

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Faux Report

New TV Show Will Highlight Competitive Dumpster-Diving

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

A new TV show to air later this year on TLC will highlight competitive dumpster-diving, which has become one of the most “extreme” new sports-slash-competitions in recent years. The series, which has been picked up for one season to start, will be called Garbage Games, and will follow multiple people in their quest to find the most valuable item in their town’s dumpsters and trash cans.

“I got into dumpster diving when I was a kid, because we were poor, and it seemed like a good hobby,” said Mark Ryan, who is featured on the show. “I’ve found everything from extremely valuable paintings to old antique toys to more ‘useful’ things, like unopened packages of food. I think I’ll really have a good leg-up in the Garbage Games.”

TLC president Phil Moss says that he is “extremely excited” for the show to air, and thinks it could be a great competitor to shows like Hoarders.

“I love shows about trash, whether it’s trashy people like Honey Boo-Boo or trash in someone’s home like Hoarders, so I think this show will be great,” said Moss. “I’ve seen the first few episodes, and there are some really, really fun and exciting things that people find in their trash. America will love this show.”

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Faux Report

Hillary Clinton Calls Bernie Sanders A ‘Fag Lover’ During NY Debate

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

During a heated debate in New York, democratic front-runners Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders had few things to say to each other that were pleasant, with Sanders being voted as the ‘winner’ of the debate in online polls, and Clinton being called the victor by TV talking heads.

What the talking heads seem to ignore, but what the internet is in a firestorm over, is Clinton’s use of a sarcastic, vile slur that was hurled at Sanders when she thought the mics were not on. According to people sitting in the front row of the debate, during a commercial break, Clinton leaned over to Sanders, and whispered that she would never let a “socialist fag-lover” like him win the election.

“If you think that I’m going to let a socialist fag-lover like you win this election, you’re out of your mind,” said Clinton allegedly, according to those in attendance.

Sanders, true to form as a gentleman and the more secure candidate, has refused to comment or confirm that Clinton said anything negative towards him, or used any sort of slur during the debates.

“Hillary Clinton is a fine woman who would make a great leader of this country if she had more experience,” said Sanders. “I am proud to love all people, of all races, creed, color, or orientation. That’s who I am, and that’s what I’m taking to the White House.”

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McDonald’s Hires Gordon Ramsay As New TV Spokesman

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RICHARDSON, Texas – 

McDonald’s Corporation announced this morning that they have hired legendary chef and television celebrity Gordon Ramsay as their spokesman for a slew of upcoming TV commercials the company is working on.

“To be honest, we are extremely excited and amazed that he said yes to our offer,” said McDonald’s CEO Brian King. “We know that our food, while decent and mostly edible, is not to the level of a 5-star Michelin chef. We are very humbled that he is willing to promote our brand.”

“I’ve never eaten at McDonald’s, and I certainly don’t intend to start any time soon,” said Ramsay of his deal. “Frankly, they offered my a lot of money, and I’ll take it, but the food that they will show me eating in the commercials will not be real McDonald’s food. That’s just not something I’ll do. I can promise you that it will taste like dog vomit. I can tell just by looking at it.”

Ramsay is well known for his hit TV shows Hell’s Kitchen and MasterChef, among others. On Hell’s Kitchen, Ramsay is often shown screaming, yelling, and taunting contestants, who are competing for money and prizes.

“This will be a lot different than my TV shows,” said Ramsay. “They wanted to, at first, dress me up like the fucking clown, but I’m not doing that shite. That’s stupid. I’m going to talk about their hamburgers, and that’s it. The burgers are clearly shit. They look like shit, they smell like shit, and I’m getting physically ill just thinking about eating them.”

“It’s going to be great having Gordon Ramsay talk about our food in public,” said King. “We figure at this rate, we can’t get any lower ratings with the public than we have now, and at least if it’s Gordon Ramsay saying we’re horrible, there is no better person to critique than him.”

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Betty White To Star In ‘Golden Girls’ Reboot on CBS

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MIAMI, Florida –

Everyone’s favorite TV queen, Betty White, has reportedly signed on to star in a reboot of the classic 80s sitcom The Golden Girls, which ran for 7 seasons and also originally starred Bea Arthur, Estelle Getty, and Rue McClanahan.

“I am so extremely excited to go back to work on what I think was my crowning achievement as an actress,” said White. “I only wish that the other girls could be here to take part. They tell me that the scripts are coming along, and that they’re going to be so dark and gritty. It’s going to be a fun change!”

The reboot is still being cast, but will reportedly will take place in the same home in Miami, with White reprising her role as Rose.

“Rose was one of the most loveable characters on TV, and Golden is one of of, if not the best, written sitcoms in television history,” said CBS executive Merle Rogers. “We are extremely excited to work with Betty again, and to begin a whole new series of ‘being a friend.'”

No air date or shoot schedule has been set for the series, but Rogers did say that it’s not “entirely out of the question” to make the show grittier and more updated.

“People like their shows dark now. Back in the day, we had, for example, the comedic Batman TV series. Now we have The Dark Knight. It’s the same with TV,” said Rogers. “It’s all Walking Dead, Breaking Bad, Mad Men. Moody, dark shows. That’s what people want, so that’s what we’ll give them with this Golden Girls reboot.”

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Faux Report

Super Bowl 50 Garners Lowest TV Ratings In Event History

Nov 11, 2012; Charlotte, NC, USA; Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton (1) is hit as he throws a pass by Denver Broncos defensive end Derek Wolfe (95) and defensive end Robert Ayers (91) in the third quarter at Bank of America Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports

PHOENIX, Arizona –

Super Bowl 50 took place on Sunday evening, and chances are, you didn’t watch it. In the 50 years of the event’s history, and in the 38 that it has been broadcast on television, Sunday’s Super Bowl event garnered the lowest ratings ever. at only 2 million viewers. Normally the event would be seen by nearly 45 million people across the country.

“Basically, we think the two teams that played just weren’t cared about enough for people to watch,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “If the Patriots had been in the game, then people would have watched, if at least just to see them cheat and try and get away with it.”

Normally the show is a ratings powerhouse, if not for the sporting event itself, than for the commercials and halftime show.

“That, too, is dying out, because frankly, these companies release their commercials onto YouTube before the game actually happens, so people have already seen most of them,” said Joe Goldsmith, public relations manager for the NFL. “I have no idea why, since they spend 5 million-plus just to air them during the game. And don’t get me started on the halftime show. I mean, you watch men slamming into each other, rough-and-tumble, hell of a game, and then boom, halftime and we’re watching…Coldplay? I mean, who the hell books these things?”

Goodell says next year he will work hard to make sure teams people care about make it to the Super Bowl.

“Even if I have to come up with new rules or something, whatever I have to do to get real, worthwhile teams and players into the Super Bowl, I’ll do it,” said Goodell.

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IRS Announces Massive Delays In Tax Refunds After Computer System Crash

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

As more and more people begin filing their taxes online, the IRS has reportedly gotten swamped by early-filers, causing system crashes and a work overload for employees at the bureau. According to IRS spokesman Joe Goldsmith, the issues and crashes are still being sorted, with over 20 million Americans being forced to wait for their refund checks.

“In the old days, people mailed in their returns, and they slowly trickled in, giving our employees and computer systems enough time to sort through and properly handle every W2 and return,” said Goldsmith. “With the advent of being able to file over the phone, and now online, people are getting us their tax information by the first and second week of the year, causing or systems to crash and employees to be working over 100 hours a week to get everything sorted. It’s a real and total cluster-eff.”

According to Goldsmith, the IRS has become so overwhelmed with return information already, that refunds owed will be months delayed.

“We like to be able, normally, to get people their refunds due within a few weeks, or sooner, thanks to direct deposit,” said Goldsmith. “Unfortunately, this year it appears we will end up having to manually sort through all returns manually, which will take us several months. Refunds can expect to be received starting in July or August of this year.”

Goldsmith said that he understands the frustrations that this will cause, but they want to make sure that everyone is receiving the correct refunds or paying in the proper amounts.

“I really wanted to go out and get a new big screen TV and a new snowmobile with my refund,” said Goldsmith. “I work here, and even I will be waiting several more months. That snowmobile will probably end up being a four-wheeler or a new motorcycle by the time I end up seeing the money.”

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Matthew Perry Admits Filming ‘Friends’ Caused Substance Abuse Problems

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NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Matthew Perry admits he does not remember much of the years he spent on Friends, and says he would never have been an alcoholic and drug addict if he had made different career choices.

“I didn’t remember the years I filmed Friends, and I can say I don’t want to. At the time I think I was trying to block it all out. When I look back now, and I watch the re-runs, I think ‘what a horrible show!’ Even the royalty checks can’t block out that garbage. If you were me trying to get through that shit, you’d have been messed up, too.”

Perry says that although there were copious amounts of drugs on the set, he did not partake until after hours. “Coke service was right next to food service, but I always stayed straight while we were filming. I’m a professional. Even though I was disturbed by what I was doing, the character I was playing, I stuffed all that down until later. I always started the night with booze. By morning I was crawling out of a k-hole and someone was splashing water on my face.”

In addition to Ketamine, the actor admits to using alcohol, Xanax, and cheap heroin. Perry says over time the drug use ate at his memory, and now the memories of being on the set of Friends are completely blocked out. “Part of it is post-traumatic stress. Most of it was the drugs. Almost all of it can be blamed on David Schwimmer.”

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Teens Make Pregnancy Pact Hoping To Get On MTV Series ’16 & Pregnant’

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

The parents of Marley Simpson, age 16, and Brittany Lott, age 15, have been granted permission by a local court to keep their children under house arrest after the parents found out the girls have made a pact to get pregnant.

Marley’s mother, Kaitlin Simpson, says they wanted to get pregnant at the same time so they could be on MTV’s show 16 and Pregnant. “Marley says I shouldn’t have been snooping and reading her diary, but I am damn glad I did so I could put a stop to this nonsense. I told the girls that 15 minutes of fame is no reason to throw their lives away and bring a child into this world. Of course, you know I would be the one taking care of it anyway.”

Courts have approved the petition of the Simpsons and Lotts to keep their daughters under house arrest, even providing ankle bands so police will be alerted if the teens try to leave the house.

Brittany’s father, Jim, says he has also installed cameras around the house so he can monitor his daughter remotely. “Brittany’s a sneaky girl. I knew keeping her home wasn’t enough. I had signs made with pictures of me and my rifle and I posted them all over the lawn. I imagine that will keep those boy and their little peckers away, but if it don’t, I’ll be watching from inside.”

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Academy Plans To Expand Oscar Ceremony To 10 Hours In 2016

Academy Standing Strong Behind Nominating 'Old White Men' For Oscars

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

If you’ve been waiting patiently for 2016 so you can watch your favorite films win an Oscar in the ceremony, you best be prepared to settle in for a long night.

According to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, the group behind the Oscars, they have expanded the length of the telecast and ceremony from approximately 3 hours to over 10.

“The problem is, we have a lot of awards that we like to give away, and we have a lot of long-winded speeches that we normally have to cut off,” said Academy president Joel Mitchell. “This year, we decided that we didn’t want to cut down any time at all. What you will watch will be exactly what they see in the audience, and even better, no one will have to have their speech time cut down.”

“This is incredible, really, to me,” said previous Oscar winner Quentin Tarantino. “As people know, I like to talk, and when I won my Oscar, I would have loved to give more unnecessary opinions on things that don’t matter, and now, going forward, whoever wins will also have that opportunity. It’s really fantastic. I hope I’m nominated again this year. Even more, I hope I win!”

The Academy also says that they will be upping the nominees for best picture from 10 to 40.

“It may make it more difficult for people to decide, but in the end, this is really just a way for Hollywood to jerk itself off for one night each year,” said Mitchell.

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AMC Says Next Season of ‘The Walking Dead’ Will Be Show’s Last

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

AMC, the channel behind the hit show The Walking Dead, says that the next season, which is the second-half of season 6, returning February, will be the last.

“Frankly, the show has gotten stale,” said showrunner Mark Lyons. “When we started this show, it was all people talked about, and now, it’s gone a little downhill. We started noticing it when people would post spoilers about characters or deaths on their social media pages, and no one even complained about it. When that starts happening, you know it’s time.”

Actors on the show say that they are “relieved” that the show will not be getting picked up for another season, because they’ve all gotten “pretty damn sick” of playing out the same storylines over and over again.

“There only so much walking, talking, and zombie killing you can really do before the audience gets bored, and before the actors get bored,” said star Norman Reedus. “Frankly, I hope that Darryl does die. At least now I know no one will riot, because no one is even really watching the show. I’ll be happier going back to movies, anyway. Boondock Saints 3 is on my horizon, and I can’t wait.”

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Weatherman Commits Suicide, Blames Depression On Weather Forecasting

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BANGOR, Maine –

WABZ Channel 13 in Maine will open a listing for a new meteorologist this week, as seasoned vet Ray Buckley has reportedly  committed suicide. While many would think the holidays had gotten him down, as happens with many people each year, it was, in fact, the unpredictable nature of the weather, and the high expectations people place on weather forecasters.

In Buckley’s suicide note he describes the futility of weather prediction.

“It’s a chaotic system, ruled by nonlinear dynamics. You work the differential equations, hoping you’ve input the right data, but soon a ‘trace to 2 inches’ of snow becomes 6-8 inches. God Himself couldn’t predict the damn weather. Then they call you out on it. ‘Thought it was supposed to be sunny this weekend, Ray? Your prediction ruined my picnic!’ I’ve reached my limit. A man can only be told he has an ‘asshole face’ so many times by people who don’t know him before he breaks.”

WABZ says they will have no problem filling the position. Inside sources say Buckley’s performance was less than perky as of late, and they were already looking for a replacement.

 

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