Tag Archives: politics

Faux Report

Obama Orders Life-Sized Bronze Statute of Himself To Be Permanently Installed in White House

obama

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Obama has ordered a $200,000, life-sized, bronze statue of himself, with plans to install it in the entryway of the White House. The president says that his legacy “should not be diminished,” and that this is the only way he can “keep an eye” over Trump, as well as future presidents.

“I have been president for only eight years, and in that time, I have done what no other presidents could do in all their time in total,” said Obama. “I have created a legacy that should not be diminished. I have created something that no future president will be able to do. In that regard, I have commissioned this statute, with plans to have it permanently erected in the entryway of the White House, so that all who enter can remember me fondly.”

The statue will not be allowed to be removed, as every president is allowed to leave one thing in the White House that must never be touched by future presidents. William Howard Taft left his giant bathtub. Bill Clinton left one of his saxophones. George W. Bush left a piece of mirror and a rolled up hundred.

Standard
Faux Report

Melania Trump Talks About Cause She Plans To Take On During Donald’s Presidency

melania

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Move over Michelle Obama with your useless childhood obesity campaign – Melania Trump, future first lady, has announced her “mighty cause” that she plans to take on during Donald’s time as president.

“I know that we have plenty of fat kids in the world, and that’s pretty bad,” said Melania. “But, another problem that is faced that is also pretty bad is the homeless people. They are so sad and they are so bad to look at, and I want to help.”

Melania says that her campaign will be to give designer bags to needy homeless people throughout the country.

“It is very important that people look nice, and the best way to look nice is to start with a nice bag,” said Melania, smiling. “I have many, many friends in designer industries, and they can all make pretty bags to give to these homeless. Maybe, with a nice bag, these people will find the strength to get a home, something that I’m sure most of them would like to have.”

 

Standard
Faux Report

Congress To Enact Laws Forcing Everyone To Carry Life Insurance

life

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The government has already been forcing American citizens to carry a form of health insurance, despite rising costs and crippling debt that we’re all faced with. Now, Congress plans to enact a new law that would also force everyone to have a life insurance policy.

“This is really and truly for the benefit of the people, and will only help in the long run,” said Congressman Bill Knowles. “People are dying every single day, and no one can afford to bury them. They can’t afford the funeral costs, and they can’t afford the bills left behind. By forcing everyone to have life plans, it will alleviate a lot of headaches.”

The life insurance companies say they are “thrilled” by this news, as many of them had seen a drastic decrease in sign-ups over the last several years.

“We haven’t signed anyone up for a life plan in about 6 weeks,” said Raymond Booth, owner of a small life insurance company in Idaho. “We partner with some big names, but I just can’t get anyone interested. No one wants to think about dying, and they don’t care what kind of mess they leave behind for their family. Thanks to this bill, though, I’m going to be rolling in it very soon!”

The bill is set to be voted on after winter break, when Congress resumes on January 20th.

Standard
Faux Report

Clinton Campaign Staffer Says Hillary Tried To ‘Sell Her Soul’ To Win, Turns Out She Doesn’t Have Soul

satan

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A former Clinton campaign staffer has come forward, claiming that Hillary Clinton literally tried to make a deal with the devil during the campaign, but it failed miserably.

“She had me on the phone for hours so that I could get in touch with Mr. Satan,” said the staffer. “I was able to reach him, finally, after many calls and call-backs. You’d be amazed how hard it is to get in touch with the Devil. Anyway, we arranged a meeting between The Dark One and Hillary.”

The anonymous staffer claims, though, that once the meeting was set and Satan showed up with the contract, the terms could not be met.

“Naturally, Satan wanted Hillary’s soul in exchange for the presidency, but as it turns out, Clinton doesn’t have a soul to begin with,” said the staffer. “Needless to say, Beelzebub was not very happy about making such a long trip for nothing, and vowed that she would never win. Turns out he was right.”

Satan could not be reached for comment about the deal.

Standard
Faux Report

Study: 6 out of 10 Trump Supporters Are Completely Illiterate

trump baby

As Reported By Real News Right Now:

An independent study conducted by the bipartisan policy group Alliance for Community Organizations seeking Reform Now has determined that just over fifty-nine percent of voters who support Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump suffer from moderate to severe illiteracy.

Posing as representatives from the Nationalist Reform Council – a fictional conservative action group – ACORN officials staged several mock elections last month at community centers throughout Cullman County, Alabama, under the pretense of helping residents register to vote in time for the general election. “We were really pleased with the turnout,” said Matthew Breyer, who heads ACORN’s northern Alabama office. “We were able to register nearly twenty thousand…

READ FULL STORY HERE

Standard
Faux Report

POLL: 98% Of Hillary Voters Are Lying, Too Embarrassed To Admit They Support Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to a recent, anonymous poll, nearly all of Hillary Clinton’s supporters are actually in favor of Trump being the next president, but are to embarrassed to admit it.

“We have found that, when people know their answers will be kept confidential, that they admit to voting early for Trump, or that they plan to vote for him,” said Mark Domino, who conducted the poll of over 25,000 people personally over the last 6 months. “Based on my calculations, the number of Hillary supporters who ACTUALLY wants her to win is only about 2%.”

To back up his research, Domino recorded every single response, blurring out the faces and changing the voices of the people he spoke to.

“I absolutely want Trump to win, but I can’t say that publicly. I’d be shamed out of my job, maybe out of my marriage. I’d lose everything,” said a man in Duluth, Mississippi.”I’d never vote for someone like Hillary, who lets people die and does nothing, then denies it. It’s disgusting.”

According to Domino, the answers from people are relatively the same no matter where he went.

“People want Trump – in a landslide,” said Domino. “This information might actually help some of these people to be able to come out in support of Trump, since they now know EVERYONE wants him, and they’re not alone, nor are they deplorable.”

Standard
Faux Report

Tim Kaine Says He’s ‘Undecided’ About Who To Vote For

kaine

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Tim Kaine, the current Junior U.S. Senator for Virginia and Hillary Clinton’s running mate for Vice-President, says that he is still a ‘little undecided’ about who he should vote for on November 8th.

“It all comes down to who can do the best job for this country, and I’m still weighing that decision before I head to the polls,” said Kaine. “There are issues that are still up in the air, and even after watching all the debates, the decision is never an easy one.”

Kaine went on to say that Trump and Hillary are both “pretty cool people,” and that he is hoping to see a Democratic victory for the presidency, he can’t promise that he’ll vote straight-ticket during the election.

 

Standard
Devotionals, Letters

We Have Room to Grow in Our Prayers

I learned some things recently. I probably shouldn’t be surprised, but I was.

I’d started a discussion about “What one thing would you pray for Hillary Clinton?” (That conversation is here: http://nwp.link/FB-PFHillary .)

We had a handful of folks ignore the question and rage – sometimes for, mostly against – Hillary-the-Candidate. And we had a pretty substantial number of “prayers” that were political rants in disguise.

I get that: people have been trained to have strong opinions about this election. That always happens. Moving on…

The majority of people didn’t do that; the majority of folks prayed for Hillary, or described a hypothetical prayer. And that’s where my eyes were opened.

I was struck by the nature of those prayers. Out of a hundred or so responses, the vast majority (>90%+) of the responses apart from the political comments roughly fit into one of two religious categories:
Praying for Hillary Clinton
  1. She needs to repent and stop supporting bad things! or    
  2. She needs to have a revelation of God and get saved!
Or some variation of these two. (Full disclosure: my own prayers were in these two categories too.) They were proper religious prayers. They’re the things we’re told we “should” be praying for. 

These all begin with the assumption that “Mrs Clinton is messed up, and she needs me to fix her, and let me tell you how I’d fixer, cuz I’d fix her good!”

I’m not sure any of us would want to have a crowd praying those prayers for us. She doesn’t believe she’s doing bad things (give her the benefit of the doubt); she doesn’t believe she needs to be saved (her testimony of faith was documented in the conversation).

May I be honest? These feel a whole lot like we’ve been praying, “Make her more like us!” 

And that always carries the intrinsic assumption of “You’re not as good as I am. You need to be better, like I am.” 

Ewww. That is, by nature, something of a curse, not a blessing.

Reading through all the prayers (and I have, many, many times) leaves me feeling like I need a bath.

Relatively few responses were addressing actual issues that Mrs. Clinton is facing: health, destiny, goodness, protection, provision.  These were so terribly refreshing! These carried life, hope, faith, and (dare I say it?) love. These were the prayers I found myself feeling proud of (and they weren’t my prayers!).

This draws my attention to at least one reason why political leaders don’t like to listen to Christians: our communication (to them, among ourselves about them) is pretty unambiguous: We think we’re better than you. We’re going to fix you with our talk, with our prayers.

Our interaction with “the world” is so very seldom actually focused on their needs, their wants, their situation. Our interaction is pretty strongly “all about us.”

And in reality, it isn’t even a little bit “all about us.” Not to them. It needs to be an awful lot “about them,” if we’re going to actually connect with them.

Otherwise, we’re wasting their time and ours.

--

The best part of the conversation will be on Facebook. Come join in.


Standard
Devotionals, Letters

We Have Room to Grow in Our Prayers

I learned some things recently. I probably shouldn’t be surprised, but I was.

I’d started a discussion about “What one thing would you pray for Hillary Clinton?” (That conversation is here: http://nwp.link/FB-PFHillary .)

We had a handful of folks ignore the question and rage – sometimes for, mostly against – Hillary-the-Candidate. And we had a pretty substantial number of “prayers” that were political rants in disguise.

I get that: people have been trained to have strong opinions about this election. That always happens. Moving on…

The majority of people didn’t do that; the majority of folks prayed for Hillary, or described a hypothetical prayer. And that’s where my eyes were opened.

I was struck by the nature of those prayers. Out of a hundred or so responses, the vast majority (>90%+) of the responses apart from the political comments roughly fit into one of two religious categories:
Praying for Hillary Clinton
  1. She needs to repent and stop supporting bad things! or    
  2. She needs to have a revelation of God and get saved!
Or some variation of these two. (Full disclosure: my own prayers were in these two categories too.) They were proper religious prayers. They’re the things we’re told we “should” be praying for. 

These all begin with the assumption that “Mrs Clinton is messed up, and she needs me to fix her, and let me tell you how I’d fixer, cuz I’d fix her good!”

I’m not sure any of us would want to have a crowd praying those prayers for us. She doesn’t believe she’s doing bad things (give her the benefit of the doubt); she doesn’t believe she needs to be saved (her testimony of faith was documented in the conversation).

May I be honest? These feel a whole lot like we’ve been praying, “Make her more like us!” 

And that always carries the intrinsic assumption of “You’re not as good as I am. You need to be better, like I am.” 

Ewww. That is, by nature, something of a curse, not a blessing.

Reading through all the prayers (and I have, many, many times) leaves me feeling like I need a bath.

Relatively few responses were addressing actual issues that Mrs. Clinton is facing: health, destiny, goodness, protection, provision.  These were so terribly refreshing! These carried life, hope, faith, and (dare I say it?) love. These were the prayers I found myself feeling proud of (and they weren’t my prayers!).

This draws my attention to at least one reason why political leaders don’t like to listen to Christians: our communication (to them, among ourselves about them) is pretty unambiguous: We think we’re better than you. We’re going to fix you with our talk, with our prayers.

Our interaction with “the world” is so very seldom actually focused on their needs, their wants, their situation. Our interaction is pretty strongly “all about us.”

And in reality, it isn’t even a little bit “all about us.” Not to them. It needs to be an awful lot “about them,” if we’re going to actually connect with them.

Otherwise, we’re wasting their time and ours.

--

The best part of the conversation will be on Facebook. Come join in.


Standard
Faux Report

Government To Increase Hunting Law Age To 21

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In an effort to curb the use of guns by minors and children, the government has decided to increase the legal hunting age for all animals to 21 beginning in 2017. The change, they hope, will keep guns out of hands of younger and younger kids who are “getting a feel” for weaponry too early.

“After shootings at multiple schools, including a recent one where a teenager shot and killed students at an elementary school, this change in the law was a no-brainer,” said Mark Scott, a Republican Senator. “We hope to keep guns out of the hands of young children, in hopes that as they grow up, they will be less inclined to have anything to do with high-powered weaponry.”

Currently, the lowest age allowed for hunting anywhere in the United States is 8-years-old in states like New Hampshire and Maine, where children can use rifles and bows for hunting. Sidearms and pistols are already regulated to those 21 and older.

“This law will help to curb gun violence perpetrated by children. If they’re not exposed to guns, they’ll be less prone to violence and killing, and that can save lives.”

Standard
Faux Report

Clinton Received Debate Questions In Advance, Says Source

hillary-clinton-debate-w710-h473-2x

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to a source inside the Clinton campaign, not only was Hillary being prompted on the best answers to give, live during the debate via secret ear piece, but that an anonymous staffer at CNN had actually leaked the questions to her in advance.

“It was supposed to be a secret, and no one except Holt was supposed to know the questions in advance,” said the anonymous source. “That’s not even close to true. The case is, Holt had worked with other members of the CNN news team to create the questions. They were actually leaked to us at the Clinton campaign, and not only did we use the information, we actually changed some of the questions.”

The member of Clinton’s campaign said that although the debate was supposed to be on a “level playing field,” they couldn’t take any chances.

“It’s true that we’d been practicing the debates, at night, to make sure that Hillary’s health could sustain the rigorous time constraints, but we had to make sure that we had a leg-up. Why do you think all of her answers were so perfect, so concise – as if she knew what was coming. She’s failing, and it’s happening fast. Her constituents are going in record numbers. We needed to make sure Trump looked like the fool we all know he is.”

No one from Hillary Clinton’s campaign would give an official, on-the-record statement.

Standard
Faux Report

CONFIRMED: Hillary Wore Secret Ear-Piece During Debate

ear-piece

NEW YORK – 

It has now been confirmed by an anonymous staffer on the Clinton campaign, that Hillary broke debate rules by wearing a secret ear-piece so that she could be fed information on the fly.

“Because of her failing health, we were extremely worried about the answers she might give, or that she would get confused about the questions,” said the staffer. “Yes, the internet is right – she is, of course, wearing a mic pack under her jacket, as was Trump. But tied into that, we also were able to wire in a thin, flesh-colored ear piece so that we could feed her the answers.”

According to the staffer, whose story has been confirmed by at least 3 other members of the Clinton campaign, Hillary hired a team of more than 20 people to sit at a remote location just about a mile away from the debates, where they were watching both via cable and live feed, and could prompt her with responses as needed, as well as pull up information “in which to bash the hell out of Trump.”

So far, the Hillary camp has not commented on the ear-piece, or given any response to the internet firestorm.

Standard
Faux Report

Trump Donates $130k To Organization Founded By Westboro Baptist Church

westboro

Richard Young, a spokesperson for Faith Among Nations, has confirmed to reporters that his organization recently received a donation in the amount of $130,000 from republican presidential nominee Donald Trump.

Faith Among Nations is a non-profit organization currently overseen by Paul Addison, however was originally founded in 1999 by Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps. In 2001, Phelps resigned from his position at Faith Among Nations and appointed Paul Addison to take his place as the organization’s president.

The organization claims to help wounded soldiers, wayward children, and victims of natural disasters through monetary donations while promoting traditional Christian values, however the non-profit is widely viewed as an “untrustworthy organization” and has been known to funnel money directly to The Westboro Baptist Church.

Many believe that Faith Among Nations is nothing more than a shell corporation set-up by Phelps to assist in the funding of Westboro Baptist Church business expenses such as travel expenses including air fare, hotel accommodations, and gas expenses. In 2004, the organization was slapped with multiple hefty fines when it was uncovered that upwards of $600,000 worth of Faith Among Nations donations were used to pay Westboro Baptist Church salaries.

When asked directly about the Faith Among Nations donation, Trump told reporters, “Unlike my opponents, I donate to many non-profit and charitable organizations, next question.” Many believe that Trump was unaware that his seemingly massive donation would be used to fund the questionable activities of the Westboro Baptist church, however, many others are of the opinion that Trump knowingly supported the organization.

Trump’s $130,000 donation to Faith Among Nations, is the second controversial donation that the presidential nominee has made this year. He received heavy criticism for a donation of $100,000 that he made to the Greenwell Springs Baptist Church whose interim pastor is Tony Perkins.

(via: The Boston Tribune)

Standard
Faux Report

Charlotte Mayor Says That Rioters, Looters Will Lose All Welfare and Food Stamp Benefits For Life

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina – 

According to reports from The Baltimore Gazette, anyone in Charlotte caught taking part in riots or looting will automatically lose their food stamp and welfare benefits for life.

“This is the only way that we can think to get people to calm down, take a breath, and stop stealing TVs,” said Charlotte Mayor George Higgins. “It’s only black people out there stealing, and it’s only black people that get welfare – well, you know, at least for the most part.”

Higgins went on to say that there have been several arrests made so far, all based around rioting and looting, and of the 20 or so people who have been taken in, 18 of them were on some form of welfare.

“Of course, the other 2 people who were arrested were not black,” said Higgins. “It’s astounding that the figures just work out so well.”

From The Baltimore Gazette:

According to multiple reports, city officials have announced new measures in an effort to curb the violence sweeping Charlotte since the shooting of Keith Lamont Scott. Any individuals caught rioting, looting, destroying property or otherwise reacting in a violent and unlawful manner will have their government benefits permanently revoked…

The announcement was made shortly after hundreds of national guardsmen and law enforcement officers took to the streets intent on restoring calm to the city. Whether or not the recent announcement had any impact on the chaos remains to be seen as the riots grind on into their tecond night. A curfew will be imposed and it is expected that citizens adhere to it or face steep consequences.

 

Standard