Tag Archives: murderer

Faux Report

Serial Killer Escapes From Prison, Police Issue Warning

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CARLSON, California – 

A serial killer who was being housed in a federal maximum security prison on death row has reportedly escaped, according to police. Paul Boucher, 47, was on death row for the murder and dismemberment of over 25 people from 1988 through 2001. He was arrested and convicted in 2014.

Police say that Boucher escaped via a prison laundry truck, but would not give further information for fear that other inmates may be able to use the same methods. Boucher is 47-years-old, is 6’1″ and weighs 220 pounds. He is white, and covered in tattoos on his left arm. He is considered extremely dangerous, and may be headed to Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, Georgia, Maine, or possibly Ontario, Canada.

“This is a very dangerous situation, and Boucher is not a good person,” said police chief Mario Sampson. “He has killed at least 25 people that we know of, but claims that he has killed hundreds more. He will often grab a person, and snap their neck, and then continue to dismember them by hand. He is considered extremely dangerous, whether armed or not.”

Anyone who sees Boucher is asked to call their local police department. Police have refused to release a picture of him, saying he is “too scary,” but to call if anyone in the area fits the description.

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Faux Report

Bodybuilder Accused Of Murder Found ‘Too Fit’ To Stand Trial

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SAN DIEGO, California – 

Carl Jones, a professional bodybuilder from San Diego was found too fit to stand trial after he was accused of murdering his former lover, Cindy Mays.

A grand jury of his peers found that Jones was in too good of shape to be put through the harrowing legal proceedings that would have ensued in a murder case. A person being ‘too fit’ to stand trial is rare, but not unheard of.

“Oftentimes, as is the case with the law, things work out very oddly,” said lawyer Jackson Pooler. “Many times, a person is declared unfit to stand trial. This is usually because they are mentally unstable or unsound. In the case of Mr. Jones, my client, the grand jury found that he was too fit – a long, drawn-out court case would be detrimental to his health.”

Jones says that he works out over 9 hours a day, and eats in excess of 20,000 calories.

“There is no way that I’d be able to maintain this physique and, in essence, my health, if I had to stand trial,” said Jones. “In this case, the jury has made the correct decision, and I am just overjoyed that I can now continue making sure that I live as clean and healthy a life as possible.”

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Faux Report

Serial Killer Reportedly Disposed Of Over 50 Bodies Via Curbside Garbage Pick-Up

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PORTLAND, Oregon –

Kyle Brenner, 50, was arrested on Friday morning after a garbage man noticed something funny in the trash in front of Brenner’s home.

“I went to lift up the trash barrel and a finger fell to the ground,” said Mark Jones, 29. “I’ve been hauling garbage for about 3 years, and I’ve seen some crazy shit end up in the trash, but that was the first time I ever saw something human fall to the ground.”

Police were called, and in the investigation, a full body was discovered, that of a woman in her late 20s who has yet to be identified. Brenner was arrested and brought up on charges of murder and improper disposal of human remains. While in police custody, Brenner admitted that he had done the exact same thing more than 50 times, and had never been caught.

“I have been kidnapping, raping, and killing young girls for longer than I can remember,” Brenner said during his police interview. “I have always disposed of them in the same way – putting them in black, Glad trash bags, and putting them on the curb for the garbage man. These women, they’re trash, so I’m just getting rid of them in the most obvious way possible.”

Brenner admits that he chose his victims based solely on size, and that the “smaller the better.”

“When it comes to my sexual preference, I don’t like children, I don’t like boys, and I don’t like animals, but anything else is fair game. When it comes to my preference in killing, I like tiny women,” said Brenner. “They can’t put up as much of a fight, and they fit better in the garbage cans. It’s just common sense, really.”

Brenner is currently being charged on 53 counts of kidnapping, sexual assault, and murder. If convicted, Brenner faces the death penalty.

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