Tag Archives: Hipster

Faux Report

Kosher Weed Coming to NY State; Yahweh Said to Be Pleased

jewishsmoke

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Orthodox Jews and hipster kosher foodies of New York are rejoicing after the arrival of Kosher marijuana to the city. The Orthodox Union certified the new strain, called Jew Curl, as the world’s first Kosher marijuana.

Matt Gacy, a Jewish stoner, says the pot was so good he could hear God speaking to him. Yahweh is reported to say, “I am very pleased. A fine medicine I have given my people, who followed Moses across the red sea. Of all of My laws people break, not keeping kosher particularly pissed me off.”

To check for kosher certification, look for the U symbol with a circle around it on the packaging of your marijuana. Sources say that even private, “illegal” dealers can have their marijuana blessed by  the Union to sell to their Jewish customers.

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Faux Report

‘Steampunk’ Hipster Cuts Off Leg, Replaces It With Fake Copper One

leg

CHICAGO, Illinois – 

A self-proclaimed “Steampunk” fiend and all-around douchey hipster, Mark Andrews, says he cut off his own leg and replaced it with one made of solid brass, copper, and idiotic trinkets and clock wheels.

“See, not everyone understand what being a real steampunk is,” said Andrews, apparently enlightening the world by wearing dumb costumes. “We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of the dreams.”

According to urbandictionary.com, “steampunk” is a lifestyle choice, wherein the participants embrace deliberate anachronism and quasi-anachronism as seen in steampunk fiction. Often characterized by modifying one’s electronic gadgets to make them look a century out-of-date.

“Basically, I like to take cool, new shit, and make it look old and out dated,” said Andrews. “I took it a step further, though. See, part of steampunk is also a bit of pirate, so I went with the peg-leg thing for awhile, but it wasn’t cool enough. So I said to myself, ‘Mark if you’re going to do this, don’t half-ass it.’ So I chopped off my own leg, and now I have a steampunk leg. To be honest, the ladies love it.”

 

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