Tag Archives: Headlines

Faux Report

President Trump To Move White House to Las Vegas

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump has made plans to officially move the White House from Washington, D.C. to Las Vegas, where he owns property and says that the taxes are “much more manageable.”

“Moving the White House to Las Vegas will save tax payers an estimated $20 million a year, as the land values are much lower in the desert,” said Trump. “I am working with the best planners, the best men out there, to move the White House safely and securely.”

There is no word on whether Las Vegas will become our nation’s capital after the White House is relocated, but Trump did say that he wouldn’t personally have any problem with that.

“There’s a lot of money in Las Vegas, and a lot of beautiful women. We’d be lucky to have Las Vegas be our nation’s capital. It’s a beautiful, fun, fast-paced city, and everyone who goes there loves it. I love it. I own plenty of property there. It’s great. Plus, what happens there stays there, so we could get away with a lot more there than we could here in D.C.”

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Faux Report

VP Mike Pence Accidentally Electrocutes Himself, Claims He’s Now Gay

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Vice President Mike Pence reportedly electrocuted himself accidentally after touching a light switch after getting out of the shower, while still wet. Ironically, the VP now claims that he is homosexual, and has planned a massive “coming out” party at the White House.

Pence, who has long been known for his completely stupid views on homosexuality and believing that it can be cured via electro-shock therapy, is now referring to himself as “a big, flaming fag,” and says he’s never been happier.

“Oh my God you guys, being gay is so wonderful and amazing. I mean, I wanna say I told you so, ’cause if I’m gay just from getting shocked, there’s no WAY that shocking couldn’t cause the opposite effect, ya know?” said Pence in a fun, sing-song voice. “But, you know, I’m just too damn giddy to even consider being negative like that. I’m the first gay man in power since Elton John’s Tiny Dancer was #1 on the charts. Ohh, baby!”

The gay community, which is normally very happy when a major celebrity comes out, has withdrawn from Pence’s announcement, and calls it “truly stupid.”

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Faux Report

Police Discover Meth Lab In Back Room of Alabama Walmart

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DECATUR, Alabama – 

Police were recently tipped off to a reported meth lab that was being run by Walmart employees in what they are calling one of the biggest busts in decades.

Police Chief Robert Garner said that an anonymous tip was left on their drug hotline, expressing concern about a horrible burning smell that was coming from the back of the Decatur WalMart facility. When an officer was sent to investigate, the store was instantly shut down as he discovered a meth lab that took up the entire back room.

“The thing was massive, and contained enough materials to make hundreds, if not thousands, of pounds of crystal meth,” said Chief Garner. “Apparently, every employee in the store was a part of it, from working with and gathering materials, to cooking, to selling it outside of the store. It was a full, massive operation.”

No one from Walmart’s corporate office was available for comment, but an unofficial spokesperson did say that they were “disappointed” that they weren’t able to use their company discount to get meth before the place was shut down.

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Faux Report

Hackers Plan To Release Donald Trump Sex Tape – But It’s Not Melania In The Video With Him!

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

After a slew of celebrity devices were hacked, a group of anonymous individuals have begun leaking nude images and sex tapes recorded by the celebrity victims. The latest seems to be President Donald Trump himself, as the group of hackers claims they have a sex tape that was taken “very recently,” but does not feature Trump’s wife Melania.

“We have procured a very salacious, very non-sexy video,” posted an anonymous hacker on the forum Reddit. “I’ve seen the video myself. I wish I hadn’t, but I have. And the person in the video is definitely Trump, and the other person is decidedly NOT Melania.”

According to the post, which included screenshots that we are not able to re-post here, the group would be releasing the full video if Trump did not step down from the Presidency. Although most would assume that he would never do that just to save face, the poster seems to think that the video is definitely something that will “get Trump thinking.”

“President Trump will know exactly what video we have if we mention the words ‘donkey’ and ‘whips,'” said the post. “We do not think that Trump, nor the man in the video with him, would want this information going public. Whoops, guess I slipped up there…”

 

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Faux Report

Sean Spicer Contracts Bird Flu From Bad Kentucky Fried Chicken

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer was hospitalized after he contracted what he said was “bird flu” from eating a bucket of KFC chicken that had spoiled.

According to his doctor, Spicer merely had a case of the trots after ingesting day-old chicken, but the Press Secretary is “positive” that it is Bird Flu.

“I ate bad chicken, which is a bird. Everyone knows that chickens are birds,” said Spicer from his hospital bed. “When you eat bad birds, you get bird flu. I don’t know why that is so hard for these doctors to understand.”

Spicer says that he has contracted bird flu several times in his life, and that his mom was always the best at making him feel better when he was a boy.

“Mom would make me a hot broth and I’d eat that with crackers, and then I’d lay down and I felt better,” said Spicer. “It has happened several times, but not in many years. Mom also helped me after I contracted mad cow disease after I ate spoiled hamburger one time. My mom is a phenomenal woman.”

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Faux Report

Morgue Employee Cremated By Mistake While Taking a Nap During His Break

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BEAUMONT, Texas –

48-year old Henri Paul Johnson was killed last week after he was accidentally cremated during a long shift at the Coroner’s Office Morgue.

According to police, Johnson took a nap on a stretcher after working over 16 hours, and was mistaken for another man who was killed in a car accident, and scheduled to be cremated.

Jena Davis, who was not the co-worker who cremated Johnson, says they heard him scream for a moment, but didn’t know where the sound was coming from.

“At first, we didn’t understand where the sound was coming from. When we realized what was happening, it was too late. We shut down the heating system, but he was already dead.”

Davis says that Johnson was exposed to temperatures of well over 1500 degrees Fahrenheit, and there was nothing that could have been done. A new employee, who had forgotten to check the toe tag on the body before proceeding, was blamed for the accident, but no charges have yet been filed.

 

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Faux Report

President Trump Plans 2-Month Vacation To Bahamas After ‘Stressful’ First Quarter

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump announced this morning that he would be taking a 2-month vacation beginning April 1st, returning to Washington in June, after a “stressful” first quarter of 2017.

“There are a lot of things that have come across my desk, and it’s been overwhelming,” said Trump. “I think that it will be a good time to take a break, and let things really setting in my head so I can continue Making America Great Again.”

Trump owns a home in the Bahamas, but will be renting a massive villa instead of using the home he owns.

“I want to see new parts of the area, and so I will be renting some property for the two months I’m gone. This will only put a minor burden on tax payers, as it will fall under Presidential Service.”

President Trump will be bringing his wife and son Barron, as well as 13 members of the Secret Service.

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Faux Report

Pope Francis Caught On Security Camera Stealing Food Placed Out For Homeless

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VATICAN CITY – 

Pope Francis was caught stealing food that had been placed behind the Vatican for homeless last night, causing many to decry him as “evil.”

According to Vatican Police, the footage was retrieved from a security camera system on March 18th, and showed the Pontiff stealing a plate of food that had been donated by local restaurants and left for the city’s homeless. The Pope, when questioned about this act, seemed very shaken.

“I was not stealing it. I have much food available to me. I was merely, um…I wanted them to have a good, hot meal,” said Pope Francis. “I was going to heat it in the holy microwave to make sure that any homeless that ate it would be happy.”

Police are not buying the explanation, but are forced by law, to ignore it completely.

“Unfortunately, there isn’t much we can do here,” said Vatican Police Captain Leonardo DiSuza. “His Holiness is definitely lying, but he is the end-all, be-all here in the city. It’s not like he is going to jail or anything. He won’t even get a slap on the wrist.”

Public opinion of the Pope has so far not been damaged, as most people don’t care at all about the homeless, especially homeless in Rome.

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Faux Report

Pope Francis Caught On Security Camera Stealing Food Placed Out For Homeless

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VATICAN CITY – 

Pope Francis was caught stealing food that had been placed behind the Vatican for homeless last night, causing many to decry him as “evil.”

According to Vatican Police, the footage was retrieved from a security camera system on March 18th, and showed the Pontiff stealing a plate of food that had been donated by local restaurants and left for the city’s homeless. The Pope, when questioned about this act, seemed very shaken.

“I was not stealing it. I have much food available to me. I was merely, um…I wanted them to have a good, hot meal,” said Pope Francis. “I was going to heat it in the holy microwave to make sure that any homeless that ate it would be happy.”

Police are not buying the explanation, but are forced by law, to ignore it completely.

“Unfortunately, there isn’t much we can do here,” said Vatican Police Captain Leonardo DiSuza. “His Holiness is definitely lying, but he is the end-all, be-all here in the city. It’s not like he is going to jail or anything. He won’t even get a slap on the wrist.”

Public opinion of the Pope has so far not been damaged, as most people don’t care at all about the homeless, especially homeless in Rome.

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Faux Report

Betsy DeVos: ‘Dropping Out of School Is Best Choice For Many Kids’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, who was appointed by Donald Trump to oversee the country’s education, said today that she feels that a good choice for many children will be to drop out of school all together.

“Sometimes, kids are just stupid, lazy, or stupid and lazy, and the best choice for them would be to drop out and start working early,” said DeVos, who has never attended a public school. “McDonalds employees, ditch diggers, and construction workers or laborers, they can all work very well having little to no education. There’s no reason that I can see that a child who is just going to be burden on the school system shouldn’t leave – or be asked to leave.”

DeVos has said she is working with Trump to decide if the age in which a child can leave school, which is currently set at 16, should be lowered.

“I believe that there are kids who are 7 or 8 years old who we know, by that point, are not going to make it through school,” said DeVos. “Should we force them, encourage them, and help them to learn if they’re just never going to be smart enough to make it through? That’s a waste of time and, frankly, a waste of money. Better to cut ties early, I think. It will just hurt the education of kids who aren’t idiots if we leave in all these little retards.”

DeVos says that letting “kids who are morons” leave schools could save taxpayers billions of dollars over only a few short years.

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Faux Report

Betsy DeVos: ‘Dropping Out of School Is Best Choice For Many Kids’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, who was appointed by Donald Trump to oversee the country’s education, said today that she feels that a good choice for many children will be to drop out of school all together.

“Sometimes, kids are just stupid, lazy, or stupid and lazy, and the best choice for them would be to drop out and start working early,” said DeVos, who has never attended a public school. “McDonalds employees, ditch diggers, and construction workers or laborers, they can all work very well having little to no education. There’s no reason that I can see that a child who is just going to be burden on the school system shouldn’t leave – or be asked to leave.”

DeVos has said she is working with Trump to decide if the age in which a child can leave school, which is currently set at 16, should be lowered.

“I believe that there are kids who are 7 or 8 years old who we know, by that point, are not going to make it through school,” said DeVos. “Should we force them, encourage them, and help them to learn if they’re just never going to be smart enough to make it through? That’s a waste of time and, frankly, a waste of money. Better to cut ties early, I think. It will just hurt the education of kids who aren’t idiots if we leave in all these little retards.”

DeVos says that letting “kids who are morons” leave schools could save taxpayers billions of dollars over only a few short years.

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President Trump Signs Executive Order H11, Repeals 19th Amendment So Women Can’t Vote

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

After what President Trump says was an election that was “too close” for his comfort, he has said that his latest executive order, H11, will repeal the 19th amendment, making it so women can no longer vote.

“The reason that we almost had Hillary Clinton as our President is because of women,” said Trump. “Look, I respect women. I do. No one respects women more than me, but the truth is, women are dumb, and they make dumb decisions. They don’t know who to vote for, obviously, and so it’s time we took away that right.”

Trump went on to say that he hopes to eventually also remove the vote from African-Americans and ‘dirty Chinamen.’

“The fact of the matter is, this country had its greatest leaders when the only people who could vote were old, white, landowners. Real men who had real decision making skills,” said Trump. “Today, people would rather scroll through their Facebook feed and post pictures of their dinner on Instagram than actually make a conscious effort to learn anything. Especially minorities. They’re the worst.”

The ACLU has, naturally, filed a motion to dismiss the order as “fucking stupid.”

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Faux Report

6 States Vote To Make Masturbation Illegal In Ted Cruz-Backed Law; Is Your State One Of Them?

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

You probably missed it on your ballot last November, but a bill to make masturbation illegal was listed on the voter cards for all 50 states, mixed in with other major bills including ones looking to defund certain parts of the education budget, as well as the legalization of marijuana.

Bill #69H8R was introduced in 6 states, to what lawmakers are saying was “probably a huge mistake.”

“We don’t think that many people really read their ballots, and arbitrarily chose yes and no on certain questions,” said Rep. Joe Miller (D-Vermont). “They were rushing to get to the choice for president. It happens every four years, really. Some stupid law gets pushed through with very little notice or fanfare. Unfortunately, this new law will cause some severe problems in several states.”

Vermont, Georgia, New Hampshire, Idaho, Mississippi, and Delaware all voted to outlaw masturbation, in a law that will take effect April 1st. The bill was backed by staunch anti-masturbator Ted Cruz.

Naturally, people in all states are extremely upset.

“I definitely didn’t vote to outlaw whacking off,” said Idaho resident Mike Simon. “I jerk it at least twice a day, sometimes more. Are you telling me that I’m a criminal now? How the hell am I going to release tension after a long day at work?”

Several question how the government and police plan to enforce this law, but Miller says that goes hand-in-hand with recent news about CIA leaks.

“The government is always watching. We will see you masturbate through your webcams, your TVs, your phones, and your microwaves,” said Miller. “No matter what room in your own home you try to jack it in, someone will see you.”

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President Trump Outlaws ‘Fake News,’ CNN Staff Arrested

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump signed executive order HS-666 on Friday, completely outlawing fake news. A memorandum to the order outlined specifically outlets that were deemed to be liars, and people who worked for those media stations were immediately taken into police custody.

Top-level executives at CNN, MSNBC, and The Onion were all taken in by police for releasing “fake news stories” to the public, and charged with currently unknown crimes.

“This new order is a disgrace to all of us who write real news, and are being labeled as fake by a bullish president,” said a representative for CNN. “It’s a sad day when we are coupled in with The Onion. No offense to them. They’re kind of funny sometimes. But the fact that anyone thinks that CNN is writing the same kind of news as The Onion? That’s absurd.”

Trump reportedly plans to continue his raids of fake news organizations, and says he is “very pleased” with the initial work that police forces have done to implement his order.

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