Tag Archives: Headlines

Faux Report

You Won’t BELIEVE What These ‘Hatchimals’ Toys Are Saying To Kids!

hatchimals

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A mother in Boston who bought each of her 7 children the year’s hottest toy, a Hatchimal, says the creatures had been mostly speaking gibberish when first opened on Christmas morning, but over the last week, have started saying some “truly disturbing things.”

“These Hatchimals are basically just like those old Ferby toys, remember those?” said Carla Jones, 28. “I had one of those when I was a kid. They spoke in random gibberish. Well, these Hatchimals, they did too mostly. But then the other day, I noticed that my youngest son, Tyler, who is 4, started saying some horrible things. I asked him where he learned those words, and he pointed to his Hatchimal.”

Jones was asked if the words could be repeated for print, and she said “she didn’t think they should be said,” but wanted to make sure that other parents knew what these “dangerous toys” were teaching their children.

“If it was only something as simple as it saying ‘fuck’ or something, then I’d be okay with that. They hear that kind of talk on Sesame Street these days, for crying out loud,” said Jones. “No, it was much more sinister. I’m honestly having a hard time saying the words, but truly, everyone should know. These Hatchimals, they taught my son to say ‘Donald Trump will make a great president.’ OH MY GOD I can’t believe I said it. It’s so sick.”

Empire News reached out the company behind Hatchimals, but received no response.

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‘The Simpsons’ Creator Says Next Season Will Be Last

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LOS ANGELES, California –

Matt Groenig, creator of The Simpsons, says that next year will finally be the last season for the cartoon – the longest running show in prime time.

“Frankly, we’re all pretty bored with it. The show has been on for, what, about 30 or 40 seasons, and it’s just stale. I mean yeah, it’s funny for the audience, but this cast, these guys and gals, man, they’re bored. I don’t blame them,” said Groenig.

FOX, the channel that airs the show in the U.S., said that they are “more than ready” to fill the Sunday night timeslot with something else, and are eyeing Family Guy creator Seth McFarlane to work on a new show.

“Seth has come up with some great ideas, and we’re really excited to see where they go,” said FOX CEO Marvin Hamlin. “He actually just pitched us a new show yesterday that we’re ordering a pilot for. It’s called The Stimpsons, and it is an animated show about a dysfunctional family. There’s the alcoholic dad, the big-haired mom, a few precocious kids. Frankly, we have never seen anything like it before, and we’re thinking it’s going to be great.”

 

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Faux Report

Carrie Fisher’s Ghost Reportedly Spotted On Hollywood Boulevard

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Star Wars fans have been hanging around Hollywood Boulevard for the last two days, after a man says he saw Carrie Fisher’s ghost hanging around downtown.

“It was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Mario Lewis, who is on vacation from Idaho. “There was this gorgeous woman, and she was dressed as Princess Leia from the Star Wars movies. I walked over to her and my eyes just bugged out. It was Princess Leia! It was the ghost of Carrie Fisher, and it made my life seeing that.”

Although so far no one else has seen Ms. Fisher’s ghost appear in Hollywood – or anywhere else – a rabid fanbase of Star Wars nerds have been wandering all over Hollywood, hoping to catch a glimpse.

A homeless woman, Marlene Simmons, who has lived in Hollywood her whole life, says that the tourist is just an idiot.

“There’s no damn ghost here. Never was of any other celebrity, sure as shit wouldn’t be of Carrie Fisher, neither,” said Simmons. “That damn fool just got confused because there are always people out here on the Boulevard, dressed up as characters from movies and what not. Dumbass saw a woman dressed like Princess whoever, got himself all riled up. Now get yo’ ass out my face. You’re standing in my bathroom.”

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Clinton Campaign Staffer Says Hillary Tried To ‘Sell Her Soul’ To Win, Turns Out She Doesn’t Have Soul

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A former Clinton campaign staffer has come forward, claiming that Hillary Clinton literally tried to make a deal with the devil during the campaign, but it failed miserably.

“She had me on the phone for hours so that I could get in touch with Mr. Satan,” said the staffer. “I was able to reach him, finally, after many calls and call-backs. You’d be amazed how hard it is to get in touch with the Devil. Anyway, we arranged a meeting between The Dark One and Hillary.”

The anonymous staffer claims, though, that once the meeting was set and Satan showed up with the contract, the terms could not be met.

“Naturally, Satan wanted Hillary’s soul in exchange for the presidency, but as it turns out, Clinton doesn’t have a soul to begin with,” said the staffer. “Needless to say, Beelzebub was not very happy about making such a long trip for nothing, and vowed that she would never win. Turns out he was right.”

Satan could not be reached for comment about the deal.

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Faux Report

National Anthem To Be Outlawed At Sporting Events, Public Gatherings

As Reported By ABCNews.com.co:

Early this morning, President Obama made what could very well prove to be the most controversial move of his presidency with the signing of Executive Order 14302, which makes it illegal to perform the national anthem at sporting events nationwide. Under the new order, it is now illegal to perform or recite the national anthem in any public venue. Because the anthem is primarily performed before sporting events, this is where the new order will have its biggest impact. Individuals who violate this order can face fines of up to…

READ FULL STORY HERE

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Obama Signs Executive Order Forcing Recount And Investigation Into ‘Rigged’ Election

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As Reported By ABCNews.com.co:

Following the results of Tuesday night’s election, President Obama has signed Executive Order 13805, which orders a full recount of all votes cast in the election and calls for a special election to be held on December 19th. Obama signed the order in response to the concerns of thousands of voters across the country who said that they were prevented from casting a ballot on election day, too many absentee ballots have not been found or counted, equipment failures, as well as concerns that some members of the electoral college may have acted unethically.

“People all over the country have been flooding my office with calls, telling my staff of horror stories about being harassed and intimidated by poll workers,” Obama told reporters. “Many have even said that they were flat out denied entry into the voting booths to cast their ballots if they were wearing…

READ FULL STORY HERE

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Trump Voter Shoots Liberal Nephew Over Argument At Thanksgiving Dinner

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As Reported By Satrina Tribune:

A Thanksgiving Day dinner turned deadly after a political argument ended with a 23-year-old graduate student being shot in the chest by his 62-year-old uncle.

Local police were called to the scene after neighbors reported the shooting. Family members were divided and uncooperative with the authorities. A Wausau Daily Herald news van arrived to report the story.

As uncle Wade was handcuffed and placed next to a cop car, the intoxicated man began defending his actions. “The kid that he was a know it all with his schooling,” said Wade. “What’s wrong with a factory job pulling a lever? If it’s good enough for a Chinaman to do, it’s good enough for me.”
READ THE FULL STORY HERE
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Trump Claims Victory After Castro’s Death: ‘I Did It!’

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As Reported By Satira Tribune:

“Nobody could kill that guy but I did,” said Trump. “It was the easiest thing ever.”

With over 600 assassinations attempts on the Communist Cuban leader life over the past 60 years, Trump was eager to show leadership and that he meant business through power.

“JFK, internal enemies, all of them failed, but not me,” said Trump. “I’m already accomplishing more than the past ten presidents combined. I think the voter chose the right person for the right job,” he said. “Really, how hard is it to kill…

READ THE FULL STORY HERE

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Law Professor Says There Is A ‘Very Good Chance’ Trump Can Be Impeached Immediately After Taking Office

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As Reported By Empire Herald:

Many voters didn’t expect that Republican candidate Donald Trump to win the election with all of the various fraud lawsuits and sexual assault cases against him, but he somehow managed to become the next President of the United States. As much of America (and the world) collectively voice their concerns regarding Trump’s win, many Americans are turning to Google to find out either how to move out of Canada or how to impeach Trump.

According to one law professor, it may be difficult to impeach President Trump now that the GOP is in control of both the Senate and the House of Representatives – but there is still a strong belief that there’s already enough evidence to impeach…

READ FULL STORY HERE

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Law Professor Says There Is A ‘Very Good Chance’ Trump Can Be Impeached Immediately After Taking Office

trump

As Reported By Empire Herald:

Many voters didn’t expect that Republican candidate Donald Trump to win the election with all of the various fraud lawsuits and sexual assault cases against him, but he somehow managed to become the next President of the United States. As much of America (and the world) collectively voice their concerns regarding Trump’s win, many Americans are turning to Google to find out either how to move out of Canada or how to impeach Trump.

According to one law professor, it may be difficult to impeach President Trump now that the GOP is in control of both the Senate and the House of Representatives – but there is still a strong belief that there’s already enough evidence to impeach…

READ FULL STORY HERE

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German Scientists Are Able To Prove That There’s Life After Death

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As Reported By World News Daily Report:

A team of psychologists and medical doctors associated with the Technische Universität of Berlin, have announced this morning that they had proven by clinical experimentation, the existence of some form of life after death. This astonishing announcement is based on the conclusions of a study using a new type of medically supervised near-death experiences, that allow patients to be clinically dead for almost 20 minutes before being brought back to life.

This controversial process that was repeated on 944 volunteers over that last four years, necessitates a complex mixture of drugs including…

READ THE FULL STORY HERE

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Edward Snowden Says Russian Hackers Rigged U.S. Election For Trump

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As Reported By World News Daily Report:

Former US National Security Agency contractor Edward Snowden announced this morning that he had “clear evidence” that the 2016 US election was rigged by Russian hackers in favor of Donald Trump.

“I have received confirmation through Guccifer 2.0 that malware was used in the electronic voting machines that lead to the victory of Donald Trump” Snowden told an internet conference in Berlin, speaking via a video link from Russia, where he has been living as a fugitive.

“ We aren’t surprised that the elections were rigged. Instead, we are surprised that they were rigged in favor of Donald Trump.” – Edward Snowden

READ FULL STORY HERE

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Melania Trump Files For Divorce: ‘I Didn’t Sign Up For This’

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Reported By Now 8 News:

The world is in shock over the weekend after sources close to Donald and Melania Trump confirm that Melania filed for divorce over the weekend. The Slovenia born model has voiced concerns over her role as the First Lady of the United States, claiming that she “Didn’t sign up for this.” Sources close to the couple say Melania is not prepared to be ridiculed for the next four years over her immigration status, accent and her husbands infidelities.

“She’s been very upset ever since Donald announced he was running for president last year,” said a woman close to the family. “She wanted a role as a kept woman, not as a woman in charge of being a role model in this country. She is also not prepared to leave her luxurious lifestyle to live in a home as old as the White House. She thinks that the decor is despicable and beyond repair.”

This comes on the heels of Donald Trump’s announcement that he only wants to live in the White House part-time, in a desperate attempt to save his marriage.

READ THE FULL STORY HERE

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Man Who Died In Haunted House Not Discovered For Weeks – Everyone Thought He Was ‘Very Realistic Prop’

Man Dies In Haunted House, Mistaken For Prop For Almost 2 Weeks

CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

An elderly man who died while visiting a New Hampshire haunted house almost a month ago was not discovered until last night, after a young child was brave enough to walk up and touch what he thought was a dummy.

“Brian was trying to be brave, because we told him the house was just in fun, no one was really dead and it wasn’t real scary stuff, just pretend,” said Maria Downs who, along with her husband Michael, were taking their 7-year-old son to his first haunted house. “He saw the man in the corner. We thought it was a dummy, so we laughed. Brian bravely walked over to touch it, so he could see for himself that it wasn’t real. As soon as he put his hand on him, Brian turned and ran out of the house screaming.”

When the Downs family took a closer look, they realized that their son had just touched an actual dead body.

According to police, Phil Richards, 80, had gone through the house by himself during early October, and had apparently died of a heart attack.

“No one realized, because he looked kind of plastic and fake,” said police chief Mario Jones. “The owners never saw it; they didn’t go through the house themselves as they were too busy working the front, and the guests all thought the smell was from the fog machines pouring through.”

The owners say that they will be “more vigilant” in checking for dead bodies next year, but they are planning on offering a discount on Halloween night to anyone who wants to go through their haunt and see where the body was.

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