Tag Archives: Faux Report
Kenny G Disperses Hong Kong Protesters by Playing “Going Home” on Continuous Loop
HONG KONG — The turbulent Hong Kong democracy protests came to an end yesterday when jazz saxophonist Kenny G dispersed the crowds by playing his hit song “Going Home” on a continuous loop.
As the smooth, sultry tones wafted through the crowd, protesters packed up their belongings, as if on cue, and headed for the nearest exit.
“Oh, I guess it’s over,” said one protester as he furled his umbrella. “That or a supermarket is closing.”
“I guess it’s over. That or a supermarket is closing.”
Alex Chow, leader of the Hong Kong Federation of Students, tried to stop the scattering crowd, calling the impromptu performance “an obvious ploy by the central government.”
But even the most hardened dissidents proved no match for the soothing, downtempo beat.
“It’s no use. People hear Kenny G and they leave,” Chow told reporters. “He’s like the reverse Pied Piper.”
Though makeshift earplugs were quickly disseminated to the crowd, the damage done to the protest movement was clear. By the sixth time Kenny G launched into the silky strains of “Going Home,” nearly 90 percent of the protesters had left.
Pleased with the saxophonist’s success, high-ranking party officials convened in Beijing this morning to discuss whether to keep Kenny G on retainer for use in the over 180,000 mass incidents that occur every year.
At press time, Kenny G was still in Hong Kong, serenading the few remaining protesters who, according to sources, were close to killing themselves.
Li Keqiang Seen Loading Entire National Budget into ATM
BEIJING — According to multiple eyewitnesses, Chinese Premier Li Keqiang is currently loading China’s entire national budget for Q3 and Q4, 2014 into a Bank of China ATM near Tiananmen Square.
The bespectacled politician was seen loading over 7 trillion yuan in new 100 yuan bills directly into the machine, printing a receipt for every 10,000 deposited.
This unprecedented task is just the latest reform by President Xi Jinping to fight endemic corruption.
In an internal directive issued last month, Xi required all officials to collect tax revenues “in cash and in person” before traveling to Beijing and laying the monies at his feet in the Great Hall of the People.
As per the directive, the president then counts each bill by hand to make sure all revenues are accounted for, before handing the sum to Li. The premier then deposits all the money into a single account at the nearest Bank of China ATM before parceling out funds directly to local and provincial governments.
By reducing the number of actors who handle the budget, corruption could be reduced anywhere from 70 to 90 percent.
By reducing the number of actors who handle the national budget, Xi claimed corruption stemming from the central government could be reduced anywhere from 70 to 90 percent.
According to Xi, using a single account to redistribute wealth also allowed the government to “avoid costly and inconvenient fees and charges.”
A local woman surnamed Wang said she was shocked to see such a high-ranking politician doing such a menial task himself.
“I got to the ATM on my lunch break hoping to pay my company’s entire payroll only to find some asshole got there first,” Wang said.
Today marked the first time Li has executed his new role as sole dispenser of national revenue. According to sources in line behind him, Li apparently plans to perform his task entirely via an ATM near the gift shop of the National Museum.
Those close to the premier have expressed concerns for his mental health, as Li is also responsible for making the 1.2 million separate electronic transfers to ensure the exact funds reach their intended destinations.
Li is expected to complete the task sometime in November.
Russian Tiger Released by Putin Swims to China
Kuzya, a Siberian tiger released into eastern Russia by President Vladimir Putin in May, has swum across the Amur River into China. Here are the feelings of the Chinese people.
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“Its penis is mine.”
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“I’ve been saying for years that we need a 3,600-kilometer-long border fence. Now who’s crazy?”
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“These undocumented cats are coming for our jobs.”
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iPhone 6 to Retail in China for One Kidney
BEIJING — Apple CEO Tim Cook announced last week that, in addition to RMB, Chinese customers could purchase the iPhone 6 and 6 Plus with working kidneys.
“We’ve seen huge demand from the Chinese market to exchange human organs for our products,” Cook said in a press conference. “Now every Chinese citizen, ages eight and up, can afford at least one iPhone.”
Suggested retail prices range from one kidney for the 16GB iPhone 6 to a kidney and a lung for the iPhone 6 Plus 128GB model.
“The organs do not have to be yours,” Cook added, “so long as they function.”
“Now every Chinese citizen, ages eight and up, can afford at least one iPhone.”
Though public health officials have roundly criticized the idea, China Mobile alone has received nearly 800,000 kidney down payments since stores began taking preorders on Friday.
Online retailers are also accepting preorders via mail, reminding customers to pack their tissues tightly in ice before mailing them.
One Beijing college student, Luo Yihan, plans to remove his kidney this week in preparation for the October 17 release date.
“I’m just one of those guys who has to be the first to remove a non-vital organ to get the latest gadget,” he said.
Hospitals in major cities are gearing up for the flood of operations, preparing beds to accommodate techies who’d rather not pay the 6,000 yuan price tag.
But even with the new terms, some still can’t afford the new device. One cab driver lamented that he couldn’t buy the new smartphone because he had already spent one kidney on a 5S.
Yan’an Restaurant Sold Opium-Laced Noodles
The owner of a restaurant in Yan’an admitted to garnishing his noodles with crushed poppy buds after a patron tested positive in a routine drug test. Here are the feelings of the Chinese people.
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“Routine drug tests ruin everything.”
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“If this a ploy by the British to get us all hooked on opium again, it’s working.”
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“Looks like it’s back to sprinkling crack onto noodles for me.”
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Drum Circles in Hong Kong Reach Critical Levels
HONG KONG — As the democracy protests in Hong Kong enter their second week, sources say the number of drum circles in the city has reached critical levels.
Drawn to the freewheeling, Occupy-style protests, thousands of itinerant drummers have set up shop among the protesters in Wan Chai and Causeway Bay.
Initially, the tabla-toting newcomers were welcomed by protesters but their incessant thumping quickly alienated both organizers and participants. Some feared that the never-ending percussion would spark a backlash among local residents and prompt police retaliation.
Sources say the cacophony in Wan Chai has reached 1.6 zuccottis and continues to build.
Indeed, Hong Kong Police Commissioner Andy Tsang told reporters Thursday, “We tolerated the establishment of a lending library, but if this arrhythmic banging continues we will forcibly clear the affected areas.”
“It’s disturbing the day traders,” Tsang added.
But the freestyle jam sessions show no sign of abating. Sources on the ground say the cacophony in Wan Chai has reached 1.6 zuccottis and continues to build.
On the same day as Tsang’s press conference, state-owned newspaper People’s Daily published an editorial that denounced the unrest and pointed to the drum circles as clear evidence of a Western conspiracy.
“The Chinese do not percuss,” the author wrote. “These can-banging insurgents want to destroy China and turn it into one giant Burning Man.”
At press time, protest leaders attempted to use the people’s microphone to debate the necessity of drum circles, but their arguments could not be heard over the din.
World Leaders Applaud China for Not Killing Anyone Yet
BEIJING — This week, leaders from around the world applauded Chinese President Xi Jinping for showing “extraordinary restraint” in dealing with the ongoing chaos spurred by democracy protests in Hong Kong.
U.S. President Barack Obama was one of the first to praise the Chinese leader, thanking him for “responding with tear gas and pepper spray instead of, you know….”
The American president trailed off before adding, “Just don’t go all Ferguson on them.”
Russian President Vladimir Putin marveled at Xi’s “grace under fire” and said that Russian paramilitary forces would be happy to help put down protesters “should [Xi] change his mind.”
“Not that you need any help with that,” he added.
“Just don’t go all Ferguson on them.”
The leaders of Egypt and Turkey, along with Ferguson Mayor James Knowles III, expressed pleasant surprise that Beijing had not yet ordered police to use live ammunition or called in the People’s Liberation Army to forcefully crush the protests.
“Hurry up and call in the tanks,” joked Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan. “You’re making the rest of us look bad.”
For his part, Egyptian President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi asked Xi “what [he was] waiting for.”
When Xi expressed reluctance to use military force, Sisi assured the Chinese president that “it’s easier the second time around.”
Putin, Erdogan and Sisi, along with Knowles, told Xi that they would stand with him in solidarity when the time eventually came to violently remove the protesters.
“There’s no shame in using disproportionate force to maintain stability,” Sisi reported said to Xi. “We’ve all done it.”
PLA Navy Withdraws from North Sea After Scotland’s “No” Vote
LONDON — Britain’s Royal Navy reported Monday that frigates belonging to the People’s Liberation Army Navy anchored near British waters had turned back for their home port in Qingdao after the Scottish referendum on independence returned a decisive “no” vote.
A few weeks ago, when the Scottish National Party-backed “Yes Scotland” campaign drew ahead in certain polls, China’s Central Military Commission ordered a “precautionary” occupation of international waters in the North Sea in case “this inalienable territory of a sovereign state should fall toward independence.”
“The PLA Navy stands ready to bombard Lothian, Aberdeenshire and the Orkney Islands should separatist forces prevail.”
Beijing had previously warned that Scottish independence would “set a dangerous precedent,” and pledged military support to the “rightful rulers of the Scots, i.e. the UK government” in the event of an “illegal schism in violation of the territorial integrity of what is unquestionably one nation, one people, one culture.”
“While we respect the right of the Royal Armed Forces to exercise jurisdiction in their sovereign territory, China cannot tolerate the unilateral declaration of independence by any would-be nation,” ran a press release from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs last Wednesday.
“As such, the PLA Navy stands ready to bombard Lothian, Aberdeenshire and the Orkney Islands should separatist forces prevail on Thursday.”
After the votes were tallied Friday morning, with 55 percent of the country’s voters choosing to remain part of the UK, China’s fleet was recalled, with Xi Jinping making separate telephone calls to Queen Elizabeth II and Prime Minister David Cameron congratulating them on the “continued health of the One Britain Policy.”
The Chinese president reportedly then made a call to Scottish First Minister and independence advocate Alex Salmond, inviting him to Beijing for “tea” at the Central Commission for Discipline Inspection.
Pros and Cons of China’s New Operating System
Miniharm had the opportunity to test China’s new operating system, due out in October. Here are the pros and cons of the as-yet-unnamed OS:
PROS:
- Looks just like Windows XP.
- Comes with free, six-month trial of Astrill VPN.
- Advanced auto-correct system detects misspelled words like “revolution” and “human rights.”
- Web browser developed by three former Internet Explorer employees.
- Users can update features with a click of a button, a valid ID card, relevant bank account information, blood sample and spare house key.
- Preloaded with the most popular apps and viruses.
- Exceptional Chinglish-language support.
- Can’t be worse than Windows Vista.
CONS:
- Not compatible with anything.
- Automatically sends your keystrokes and Internet browsing history to the Ministry of State Security every 10 minutes.
- Flashing red-and-yellow color scheme rumored to give epileptic fits.
- Can only be uninstalled by a member of the Standing Committee of the National People’s Congress.
- Doesn’t have Minesweeper.
- Only available desktop wallpaper is giant photograph of Xi Jinping.
- Self-destructs if activated by suspected rightist.
- License agreement requires user to take up arms to defend the Diaoyu Islands.
