Faux Report

Mars Rover Sends Back Images Of What Appears To Be Man Walking Through Dunes

mars

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida – 

The Mars rover has reportedly uploaded pictures to the NASA servers from Mars that show a man walking in the distance behind a line of sand dunes. The internet has become abuzz with the photo, which they say is more indisputable proof of life on the planet.

“That is definitely, 100%, a living, walking, sentient being right there,” said internet sleuth and conspiracy theorist Joe Goldsmith. “You can easily tell that this isn’t Photoshopped, because for one, it came directly from NASA, and two, who would want to Photoshop a picture like this trying to prove life on another planet? Is that something people would do? Of course not. I’ve seen plenty of ‘shops in my day, and this is definitely not Photoshopped.”

NASA scientists are still working to uncover the mystery behind the ‘Walking Man,’ as they’re calling it, but so far, they have yet to come up with any solid ideas.

“It’s not entirely out of the realm of possibilty that it could be some sort of being, but it would be odd that this is the first walking, upright, man-like being that we’ve seen since the Rover has been on Mars,” said NASA scientist Dr. Richard Lewis. “I have no idea if this is a man, or Martian, as it were. It’s probably just another case of pareidolia.”

Pareidolia is the condition found in all humans that makes our brains apply known-items to abstract shapes, such as being able to see certain figures in clouds, or faces in random designs.

“We are hoping, very much, that this is some sort of life. That is the whole reason we went to Mars,” said Lewis. “We are trying to move the Rover closer to the area, to begin looking for clues such as footprints or other signs of life, but it is a time-consuming process, to be sure.”

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Shocking: Patti LaBelle Sweet Potato Pies Reportedly Made With Blood of Unborn Fetuses

pies

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – 

The new rage at Wal-Mart in the last several weeks has been singer Patti LaBelle’s Sweet Potato Pies, reportedly made from a recipe from LaBelle’s own kitchen. In a shocking discovery, though, it seems that some of the “natural ingredients” that are listed on the package include the blood of unborn or discarded fetuses.

“Frankly, we are shocked to learn that Patti LaBelle Sweet Potato Pies contain the blood of the innocent as part of the natural ingredients,” said Wal-Mart food supervisor Joe Goldsmith. “When Miss LaBelle approached us to sell her pies in our stores, we were definitely eager, as they are delicious, but we would have never consented had we known, fully, what they contained.”

LaBelle, for her part, seems to be unconcerned with the development, and says she has “no idea” why folks are getting so upset.

“I’ve been making my pies the same way for nearly 40 years, and it has always included a little fetal blood when I bake it,” said LaBelle. “It helps to give it a little extra kick, and makes the pie come out a nice, golden brown, with just some hints of reds and oranges in there. It’s an additive, not a main ingredient.”

Regardless of the ingredients, people are still flocking to their local Wal-Mart stores to purchase the pies, although most are still finding them out of stock.

“I’ve only been able to get my hands on one pie in the last 2 months since they became a hot commodity, and I had to pay 3 times the normal amount to a guy who was carrying one out of the store,” said sweet potato fan Mark Jones. “I honestly don’t care that they contain fetal blood – have you tried these damn things? They’re addicting as hell!

The FDA says that the “trace amounts” of discarded fetal blood that is in the pies is not enough to trigger a recall, and that the pies are approved for continued sale.

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Faux Report

Half-Man, Half-Goat Creature Caught On Camera By Hunter In Kentucky

goatman

LOUSIVILLE, Kentucky – 

A hunter in Kentucky has reportedly captured the first picture of Goatman, a half-man, half-goat hybrid that was, until recently, thought to just be an urban legend. Many sightings have taken place in the last several weeks, with people reportedly seeing Goatman in Kentucky, Texas, and even Connecticut.

“I was walking through the woods behind my house, and I saw what I thought, at first, was a deer,” said aptly-named hunter Mark Hunter. “I was about to take aim, but he sort of ‘baah’d’ at me a bit, and then he stood up, and it was a stark-naked man with a long neck and a goat head. I was in shock. Thankfully I was wearing my GoPro, and I got the whole thing on camera.”

Hunter says that he assumed, initially, when reviewing the footage that it might be a man wearing some sort of severed goat head as a mask, but as he researched the Goatman, he became more and more convinced that it was real.

“Don’t take me for a fool – I don’t believe in Big Foot or Nessie or any of that jazz,” said Hunter. “But I tell you what I saw, and what I saw, and what I got on film, was a half-man, half-goat. This wasn’t a prank or a costume. This was real.”

Experts are reportedly researching Hunter’s footage to determine its authenticity.

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Faux Report

World’s Oldest Prostitute Makes Plans To Retire At Age 86

prostitute

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Molly Suxcawk has been performing her namesake as a professional prostitute since 1943 in beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada, but she says what was once a calling has become more of a chore.

“I choked down my first belly full of sperm at the ripe ol’ age of 14, and I never looked back,” said Suxcawk. “I’ve been out here in Vegas, enjoying my job for the better part of 70 years, but this has definitely become a young woman’s game, and it’s time I bow out, as it were. You can only take so much before an ol’ fashioned feels less like helping a guy out and more like your arm might fall off.”

Suxcawk was recognized by Guinness as the World’s Oldest Prostitute in 2007 when she was just about 79 years old.

“There aren’t too many women like me still in the game,” said Suxcawk. “Many of them got out of it in the 80s when AIDs was becoming prevalent. A lot of them died of things like syphilis or The Black Plague, but I’ve powered through, and I’ve been doing pretty good.”

Suxcawk estimates than in her time as a professional whore, she’s had sex with more than 45,000 men.

“Sure, that seems like a lot, but I did make a handful of them wear rubbers, so it was mostly safe,” said Suxcawk, smoking a cigarette and hacking up green phlegm. “I think I’m in pretty good shape for a woman of my age, but I tell you, I throw out my back nearly every time I have to put my legs behind my head, and I’m so stopped up, I can’t even drop out a Cleveland steamer on a guy’s chest anymore. Of course, at my age, I don’t have any problems with giving golden showers, that’s for sure. I think I dribbled a few drops just sitting here talking to you.”

Suxcawk says she will retire at the end of the year, and plans to finish high school.

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Man Who Was Born With Hand Coming Out of Foot Can’t Decide Which To Keep

foot hand

DENVER, Colorado –

A Denver man, Joe Goldsmith, 30, is stuck at a crossroads of a major decision. Goldsmith was born with a hand coming out of his leg just above his foot, and doctors are saying that having both is causing severe issues with nerves in the area, and he has to choose which to keep.

“Honestly, most people have been telling me to keep the foot, which seems like the obvious choice,” said Goldsmith. “Problem is, if I had a hand down there instead, think of how many more things I could do super easily. Rock climbing, for example. I’d have way better grip. Or say I drop something and don’t want to bend over? It would be way easier having fingers down there.”

Doctors say that they are leaving the choice entirely up to Goldsmith, and that they will abide by whichever choice he makes.

“No skin off my ass if he wants a hand where his foot should be,” said surgeon Richard Kimball. “All I know is I wish he’d hurry up and decide. I have a tee-off at 5pm, and I don’t want to miss it.”

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Young Boy Obsessed With Kardashians Has Lip Injections To Look Like His Heroes

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

A 9-year-old boy who is obsessed with the Kardashian family has undergone surgery to have injections placed in his lips so he can more resemble the family who he calls his “heroes.”

“The Kardashians are so pretty, and they’re so liked and they’re on TV,” said Jimmy Moyer, 9. “I love them. I like to watch them get into fights and do silly things. But mostly, I love how pretty their faces are, and their lips. They’re so big!”

Jimmy’s mother, Marie, 30, says that he has been bugging her to get lip injections ever since he saw an ad on TV for plastic surgery.

“He’d run up to me at 6 or 7 years old, yelling ‘Mommy, I want Kardy lips! I want Kardy lips!’ That’s what he said before he could say Kardashian,” said Marie. “He’s been itching for big, blowjob-style lips for years. Finally, I relented.”

It was reportedly a difficult task to find a plastic surgeon willing to inject a child’s lips with collagen, so Marie resorted to a Mexican surgeon who she says “barely spoke a word of English, but was very grateful to take American money.”

Now, she says, Jimmy is happier than he’s ever been.

“Oh man, I love my big lips. All my friends at school think I’m so cool. Everyone wants to kiss me,” said Jimmy. “I let them. For twenty-five cents, I will let anyone kiss me, boys or girls!”

“He’s definitely on the right track to becoming a Kardashian,” said Marie.

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I’ll Tell You Why China Hasn’t Produced a Steve Jobs

Robin LiBy Robin Li

Robin Li is the chairman and CEO of Baidu.

As a successful tech entrepreneur, people are constantly asking me why China hasn’t produced a Steve Jobs.

Many have offered their theories on this vital question. Some blame China’s emphasis on rote learning; others, the culture of imitation and lack of intellectual property protection. Some even point the finger at the Communist Party for stifling freedom of thought and expression.

While I love a good theory, none of these captures exactly why China hasn’t produced a Steve Jobs. But I’ve figured out the answer. And here I am, going on record, to share this with the world so we can finally put this question to rest.

Steve Jobs was born in 1955 to a Syrian father and a Swiss-American mother who met while both were enrolled at the University of Wisconsin at Madison. A complicated family situation with his biological parents led him to be adopted at birth by the Jobs family, and was raised in a highly academic environment in California.

In 1972, Jobs enrolled at Reed College in Portland, Oregon, but dropped out after six months though he continued to sit in on creative classes. Involvement with the developer of hit game Pong led him to a job with Atari, via a soul-searching soujourn to India.

In 1976, he co-founded the Apple Computer Company, was removed from power in 1985, but returned in 1996 to oversee a complete overhaul of its creative philosophy. Many credit Jobs with the invention of the iPod, the iPad, the iPhone and, by extension, the tablet device. At the time of his death in 2011 after a long battle with pancreatic cancer, he was among the world’s most influential people.

So why, you may ask, hasn’t China produced a Steve Jobs?

Today’s China is a dynamic business environment, with huge investments in education and the tech sector—both key factors in Jobs’ success. Young Chinese are exposed to a broader cultural environment than any previous generation, and are developing opinions, vision and principles independently of the rigid school system, much like Jobs in his youth.

Many Chinese billionaires, myself included, come from humble backgrounds and built their companies through a unique comprehension of the marketplace combined with a shrewd approach to business.

So far, so Steve Jobs, you might think.

But there’s one key element that, while perhaps trivial to the untrained eye, means everything when explaining why China has not produced a Steve Jobs.

It is this: the chances of the precise DNA combination that resulted in Steve Jobs’ conception are minuscule.

While there is a 100% probability that Jobs himself was born, the chances of creating a genetically, culturally and intellectually identical human being with all the characteristics of the original, down to the Issey Miyake turtleneck sweater, are so close to zero they are statistically meaningless.

When applied to China, a political construct on the other side of the world from California, the odds become even more remote.

According to a Baidu search, of the ethnically Syrian men known to be living in China, none of them has a Swiss-American spouse. Even if we expand our search to include couples who might potentially move to China in the future, there are only three known Syrian-and-Swiss-American couples worldwide. Only two of these involve a Syrian man and a Swiss-American woman, and none of these individuals share the same genetic material as Jobs’ biological parents.

You see where this is going, right?

As CEO of Baidu, my fidelity is always to the data first and the hypotheses second. Before we even get into the probability of the biological child of some theoretical mixed-race couple being adopted by another couple surnamed Jobs, we can see the numbers just don’t add up.

Combine this with the fact that there are no Chinese couples with the surname Jobs, or even a close Chinese equivalent, we can deduce that, even if we selected a Chinese child with the same genetic material as the man himself, put him through an identical childhood in California and then through the same college experience, at the end of the day, even if he went on to found the next tech revolution, he would still not be Steve Jobs.

And here, my friends, is the final, insurmountable stumbling block. Until a Chinese national formally changes their name to Steve Jobs, and has said change recognized by the state, China will never produce a Steve Jobs. Ma Yun? Sure. Li Yanhong? Sure. But Steven Paul Jobs? Not likely.

How intriguing that everyone in China, male and female, has the power to become a Steve Jobs and yet, at the same time, none of us has taken the step to actually become a Steve Jobs. And perhaps nobody ever will.

My critics will say that this was a reductive answer to a reductive question. But this brand of logical yet out-of-the-box thinking is how I got to where I am today.

Even so, I am left to face the irrefutable fact that, even if more Chinese thought the way I do, we’d still be no closer to an actual Steve Jobs.

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Faux Report

Chinese Woman Chops Husband’s Penis Off Twice

A Chinese woman has been arrested for chopping her husband’s penis off twice after discovering he was having an affair. Here are the feelings of the Chinese people.

“This story would be a lot funnier if his last name was Wang.”
“Incidents like these are exactly why we have double jeopardy laws.”
“The lesson is clear: never cheat on your wife unless you have three penises.”
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China Removes Female Form from TV Drama

BEIJING — Just days after censors removed all cleavage from the Tang-era drama The Empress of China, another Chinese TV show has come under the close scrutiny of the censors.

Set in contemporary China, Women Going About Their Business follows four young women as they try to navigate the complexities of work and family in fast-paced Beijing.

However, the much-anticipated series ran afoul of the State Administration of Press, Publication, Radio, Film and Television (SAPPRFT), which pulled the show just days before its premiere.

“To promote a harmonious domestic media, all depictions of the female form must be removed.”

In an official statement, SAPPRFT said the show’s release was delayed because the “female body parts depicted on the show—including but not limited to legs, hips and sometimes eyes—could send male viewers into throes of wild, uncontrollable passion which inevitably lead to public licentiousness.”

“To promote a harmonious domestic media, all depictions of the female form must be removed,” the organization said.

SAPPRFT said that it would allow the show back on the air if the series were edited so that “all female characters were removed” or if all the women were “replaced by black silhouettes which cover the female form entirely.”

At the moment, it is unclear if the same restrictions will apply to all shows, as many of them contain females or depictions of the female anatomy.

At press time, the producers of Women Going About Their Business have agreed to make the necessary cuts and retool the story to make it about men instead.

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Miniharm’s Top 10 Moments of 2014

It’s been a whirlwind year in China. Here’s a look back at 10 moments that made us smile.

10. China allows Xinjiang to secede after deciding it’s just not worth it.

Photo © Reuters

9. Americans befriend Chinese man after discovering he has lots of money.

Alibaba IPO

8. Families relieved MH370 crash not caused by bickering Chinese passengers.

Photo © AFP

7. Taylor Swift releases bestselling concept album about the Tiananmen protests.

1989

6. APEC blue selected as Pantone’s 2015 Color of the Year.

APEC

5. China grants Uyghur scholar lifetime tenure at local prison.

Ilham Tohti

4. Thousands of Hong Kong residents throw away chance of ever entering the mainland.

Hong Kong

3. Zhou Yongkang becomes highest-level official purged since Communist Party mascot Sickles the Revolutionary.

Zhou Yongkang

2. Vladimir Putin offers Xi Jinping $1 million for one night with Peng Liyuan.

Vladimir Putin and Peng Liyuan

1. China’s made-up number becomes larger than every other country’s made-up number.

GDP

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Macau Offers Citizens $10 in Chips to Celebrate Anniversary of Merger with Mainland

MACAU — As part of planned celebrations to mark 15 years since partnering with the Chinese, the board of directors of the Macau International Resort and Casino offered its resident employees, which the management refers to as “citizens,” US$10 worth of chips redeemable at any one of its 2,730 blackjack tables.

The administration described the gesture as a “big thank you” to the 624,000 employees of the Portuguese colony-themed casino for their “continued support.”

“We hope our valued employees will continue to patronize our five-star services,” said Chief Executive Fernando Chui. “With their help and support, we are confident that Macau will continue to be the world’s playground.”

Founded by Portuguese gambling addicts in the 16th century, Macau grew from a small dive bar to a gamer’s paradise.

Founded by Portuguese gambling addicts whose prison ship ran aground on its shores in the 16th century, Macau soon grew from a small, wooden-framed dive bar with a single backroom poker table to a sprawling, fully-landscaped gamer’s paradise designed to look like its own self-governed territory, complete with quaint flag, novelty souvenir passports, fanciful bilingual signage and a unique fusion cuisine centered on the all-you-can-eat lobster buffet.

Fifteen years ago, the resort conglomerate underwent a merger with the People’s Republic of China—a giant commercial enterprise with ties to suspected crime syndicate the Communist Party of China.

However, the resort has seen declining fortunes in recent years, and many of its formerly glittering fittings have begun to show their age, such as the tired-looking swagged velvet curtains at its borders, the moss-covered plastic liner around its harbor, and a creaky, unappealing social welfare system.

Leaked managerial memos from the office of the Chief Executive have revealed that the casino’s administration is looking to revitalize its fortunes by offering attractions beyond legalized gambling.

Plans include the appointment of Cher as Chief Executive, offering a free night’s stay for every five a resident spends in a deluxe suite, and changing Macau’s motto to “The Loosest Slots in Asia!”

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China Pulls All Copies of “The Interview” from Pirated DVD Stores

BEIJING — In response to multiple threats aimed at pirated DVD stores across the country, China has decided to pull all bootlegged copies of The Interview until further notice.

In a rambling manifesto, the cyberterrorists vowed to turn DVD stores into “palaces of death” and warned that “no one would be safe, not even in the VCD corner.”

Yesterday, store owners around Beijing were seen destroying leaked screeners of the action comedy, along with copies of Team America, just for good measure. Similar scenes have been reported in cities all over the country.

This morning, Ministry of Foreign Affairs spokesman Zhu Yuchen called a press conference to address concerns that the attacks were perpetrated by China’s supposed ally, North Korea.

“I can confirm that all pirated copies of this decadent film have been destroyed,” said Zhu. “So if North Korea is behind the attacks—and I’m not saying they are—they can rest assured that no one in China will ever see a single frame of this movie.”

Zhu told reporters that if the attacks continued, China was willing to destroy copies of other Seth Rogen and James Franco vehicles, such as This Is the End and Pineapple Express, as well.

“We mean our North Korean brothers no offense,” Zhu said. “But if we wanted to see Kim Jong-un dead, we’d kill him ourselves.”

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Man Exonerated 18 Years After Execution

An Inner Mongolian man wrongfully executed for rape and murder 18 years ago has been exonerated. Here are the feelings of the Chinese people.

“So long as it’s only happened this once.”
“What if he really is guilty? A wrongful exoneration would be even more embarrassing.”
“I bet the cops who tortured this guy to extract a confession are feeling pretty silly right about now.”
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