Tag Archives: Faux Report

Faux Report

Teenager Kills Parents With Machete After They Deny Him Dessert

teen

SASAFRASS, Mississippi – 

A 19-year-old boy was arrested on Monday morning after calling 911 to report that he had murdered his parents.

“I hacked up my parents with a machete,” said the caller via the emergency number. “They pissed me off. They’ll never piss me off again.”

Police say that the teen, whose identity has not yet been released, was peacefully arrested in his home.

“When we arrive on the scene, the parents were everywhere,” said police chief Joel Clarke. “Pieces of mom here, chunks of dad there. It was a ghastly nightmare. The teen was busy taking pictures of himself holding the machete and posing menacingly. He was arrested with no incident.”

“They wouldn’t let me have any fucking cheesecake for dessert,” said the teen, who weighs over 300 pounds. “They were trying to help me ‘lose weight,’ yet they’re stuffing their fat faces with food right in front of me. They deserved it. They’ll be losing weight in hell, now.”

The teen faces first degree murder charges. In the state of Mississippi, he will likely receive the death penalty if convicted.

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Faux Report

TIME Magazine Names Justin Bieber’s Penis ‘Person of the Year’

bieber

LOS ANGELES, California – 

In a year that had so many extremely exciting events and focused on so many important people – from Caitlyn Jenner’s “courageous” speeches, to President Obama finishing his final term in office, TIME Magazine has narrowed done the list of the Person of the Year to one person – or rather, one part of one person.

TIME has said that they have named Justin Bieber’s penis as their Person of the Year 2015. This comes only months after Beiber’s member made its first public appearance.

“I’m extremely honored that my penis has been named Person of the Year,” said Beiber. “I kind of figured when I walked around naked outside my hotel room that people would take pictures, but I never thought I’d have so many great honors associated with it, such as this Person of the Year distinction, or all the offers of having it molded for dildos.”

Bieber says that although the honor is very important to both him and his penis, he will not be allowing it to be photographed for the cover.

“I have nothing against TIME magazine or their photographers, and I’m grateful the think my dick is this important – I know I certainly agree with them – but I need my member to have pics taken at only certain times, and I just don’t think right now is one of them.”

 

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Faux Report

Brock Lesnar Shows Off New ‘Shark Lifting’ Workout Routine

shark

TOPEKA, Kansas – 

WWE and UFC powerhouse Brock Lesnar is a force to be reckoned with. After dominating at both sports, the man has earned his reputation as an extreme athlete. What many don’t realize, though, is how Lesnar is able to maintain his incredible physique.

“Well, I started lifting animals years ago, back when I was still living on and maintaining my family’s farm,” said Lesnar in a recent interview. “Back then it was pigs, and I slowly worked my way up to cows. Once I left the farm, though, I found less options for animal lifting.”

Lesnar said it wasn’t until he bought his house in on the East Coast of Canada that he was able to start lifting a new kind of animal – sharks.

“The thin about pig-lifting or cow-lifting, is that those are fairly docile animals, considering, so although they’re heavy, I didn’t get the cardio aspect of it,” said Lesnar. “When I moved to the coast, I started swimming for, and catching live sharks. Then I carry them to shore, and do a few reps and squats. All that together, it really works.”

Lesnar says that although the workout routine has been extremely helpful in maintaining his “nearly perfect” athletic body, he doesn’t recommend it for everyone.

“If you have a fear of sharks, I’d say don’t do it,” said Lesnar. “Just stick to lifting smaller things, like dogs or rabbits.”

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Faux Report

Homeless Man Found In Walmart Storage Room With Over 50 Dead Bodies, Many Of Them Skinned

homeless

DECATUR, Alabama – 

A homeless man, who has yet to be identified, was arrested on Friday after a Walmart store employee found him hiding in the store’s old storage room. Police found over 50 bodies in various states of decomposition in the storage room as well, many of them fully skinned.

“We believe that this man, who will not give us his name and who does not appear to be in our systems, moved into the storage room of the local Walmart almost 2 years ago, after the store was remodeled,” said police captain Joe Goldsmith. “So far, we have identified several of the victims, but will not be releasing names until the families are notified.”

The homeless man, who local papers are calling The Skinner, reportedly had been living in the Walmart for years, but went unnoticed as a remodel of the building had boarded up a segment of the old warehouse and storage room.

“There was no way into the storage room from the inside of the store, and the outside was covered by brush and trees that had been planted or grown wild over time,” said the store manager, Jim Carson. “It appears this man was able to move in and out of the building without being seen by using this door, which was not connected to our alarm systems.”

According to police, they are charging the man with first degree murder, in a total count of 56 cases, although they are still determining the total number of bodies discovered. Medical examiners say that most of the victims were between 14 and 25 years old.

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Faux Report

Teen Girl Dies While Masturbating, Parents Blame ‘Extremely Large Dildo’

dildo

TOPEKA, Kansas – 

A 16-year-old girl was found dead in her home late Friday evening, apparently suffering from a heart attack while masturbating. Her parents, who would only give their first names, Joe and Carol, say they found their daughter, who they wish to not name, after they returned from their anniversary dinner.

“[Name redacted] knew she wasn’t supposed to use her mother’s big, black double-ender, and we’d never thought she’d sneak into our room and take it,” said Joe. “We didn’t really want to bring it up to her, because it’s embarrassing. I’d give anything to go back in time now, and tell her not to use such a big one. She wasn’t ready for that yet.”

“I’ve had so many more years of getting torn up, that really, I needed one that big to even feel it,” said Carol, who claims the dildo was around 9 inches or so in circumference. “[Name Redacted] was just a young girl. She shouldn’t have been taking one so big. It was too much, and her heart couldn’t take it.”

Joe and Carol say that they want their story to be a lesson to all parents, and that talking to your children about the dangers of excessively large sexual toys should be mentioned in the initial “birds and the bees” talk.

“Please, don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed to talk to your kids,” said Joe. “They need to know that sometimes, a penis – real or fake – is just too damn big.”

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Sexy Woman Makes Fortune Bottling Her Sweat, Selling It To Lonely Men

sweat

JAMAICA PLAIN, Massachusetts – 

A former aerobics instructor, Jasmine Smith, says she has made over $1 million dollars after she started a business bottling her own sweat and selling it online.

“To be honest, I don’t know what the people who purchase it are using it for, and I don’t really ask,” said Smith, 24. “It all started after a private workout lesson I was giving a few years ago. The guy who paid for the lesson pulled me aside after, and asked if he could take my sweaty towels and clothes. I was super hesitant at first, but he paid me $400 for them, so I let it go.”

Smith says after that, the man visited several more times, and began paying higher figures.

“After that, I just sort of took to the internet to see if this was something I could do all the time. Turns out, there’s a big market for the sweat of sexy young women,” says Smith.

Reportedly starting her ‘business’ on the website Reddit, Smith says that she has about 300 “very dedicated” customers who buy her bottled sweat, old towels, workout clothes, and underwear.

“I will keep doing this as long as I can, as long as the men think I’m sexy enough to buy my sweat,” said Smith. “At this rate, I’ve already paid off my college loans, my car, and put down a large payment on a new house. The sweat has really been sweet.”

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McDonald’s To Add New ‘McLite Gym,’ A New Exercise Area, To Over 20,000 Locations

gym

ASHFORD, Connecticut – 

As many McDonald’s restaurants have closed down their old Playplace areas, leaving them vacant, the company’s new CEO, Geoff King, said that he has plans for helping customers burn off pesky, Big Mac induced weight.

“We plan to convert over 20,000 former Playplace indoor playground spaces into a new section we are calling McLite,” said King. “We want to offer full-service gyms in our locations, featuring Ronald McDonald as your coach. He will guide you in losing weight, all while still being able to enjoy delicious McDonald’s fries and shakes.”

The new McLite sections are already being remodeled in several locations in the midwest, where King says that “the fattest people” live.

“We don’t want to be the cause of obesity in this country, we want to help control it,” said King. “We have partnered with the company Planet Fitness to join into our McLite Gym sections, and we know they will help burn those calories.”

McLite Gyms will open beginning in March of 2016.

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U.S. Filmmakers Arrested After Releasing ‘Extremely Obscene’ Horror Movie

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NEW ENGLAND, United States – 

A group of independent filmmakers were arrested yesterday after a horror film they made was released online. The movie, The Carnage Collection, is reportedly a horror anthology, but several of the stories featured included graphic violence and disturbing content, enough that one viewer reported the film to authorities.

“Much like the Charlie Sheen fiasco in the 1980s, when he reported the notorious Guinea Pig films as being real to the FBI, my clients are accused of making snuff-related cinema, which is completely bogus,” said a lawyer for the filmmakers. “Although the movie may contain scenes of an extremely violent nature, and contain content not normally fit for viewing, this arrest is a severe form of censorship.”

According to people who have seen the film, the movie contains extreme violence, but the death of a young girl via a stabbing to her vagina is one of the scenes that has people talking, and is reportedly the scene that caused the complaint. The segment in the film, titled Stuffed, apparently deals with a girl named Andrea who befriends a talking, stuffed sloth, who convinces her to rape and murder her friend.

“It’s one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen,” said the anonymous woman who reported the film. “I illegally downloaded the film because the cover had a picture of Santa on it, so I thought it would be okay for my kids. The fact that it is called The Carnage Collection is irrelevant to me. Sure, the movie has a Santa in it, but he’s evil, and tells another character to ‘suck my mother-f’ing jingle balls.’ Needless to say, I let me kids watch the whole thing right up until the girl gets knifed in the vagina. Then I turned it off and called the police.”

“We’re just making a movie, and it’s definitely not the worst thing I’ve ever seen,” said Derek Ferreira, one of the film’s co-directors and stars. “I mean, haven’t you guys ever heard of American Guinea Pig? A Serbian Film? Cannibal Holocaust? Those are some heavy films right there, with directors who went to jail for their art. But even still, this is just art. These are just movies. We’re being censored by The Man.”

The filmmakers are reportedly being held on $20,000 bail. Although the film has been cleared of any actual death or animal abuse, the crew is still behind bars based on almost 100-year-old law that forbids the production of “obscene material.” They say they still plan to sell and release the film in the coming weeks.

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Faux Report

‘Ultra Smoking’ Trend Proves Deadly As Cancer Rates Skyrocket

smoking

LOS ANGLES, California – 

In the ghettos of South Central, Los Angeles in California, young African-American men have turned to a new trend referred to as “ultra smoking,” or sticking as many cigarettes in as many orifices as possible when smoking. Ultra Smoking apparently started last year, and the trend quickly spread.

“Oh man, I’ve seen some mothafuckas who smoke a whole pack at once,” said ghetto thug Jamal ‘Crazy Crack’ Jones. “My boy Dion, that boy usually smoke three or four cigarettes at once in his mouth, couple in each nostril, even sometimes he’ll stick a few in his ass. I guess those ones are the hardest to inhale, but that dude, he figured it out.”

Doctors warn that the litany of ways that young black men can die, including sickle cell and gangland shootings, “ultra smoking” is the least of their concerns.

“Frankly, we don’t see that this so-called ‘ultra smoking’ will really make their lives any worse,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Cambridge University in Boston. “Most of these men will die young anyway. Between prison, gun violence, and white cops who don’t check their own privilege before firing off their guns, yeah, ultra smoking is dangerous, but not as dangerous as all the other activity these gang bangers get involved in.”

Other people aren’t so sure that Ultra Smoking should be considered a hip, new trend, though. Researchers as the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute found that smoking more than one cigarette at a time is 37% more likely to kill you, especially when you smoke the cigarettes through your ass.

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‘Cereal Face’ Is The Internet’s Latest Viral Trend

cereal

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

People have always, and will always, do the stupidest things just to get a little notoriety on the internet. A new challenge, dubbed “cereal face,” is the latest to join the trend of bizarre and dumb things people do to themselves and post it online.

“Cereal Face was something I started to bring awareness to premature ejaculation,” said Tommy Rogers, a University of Alabama student who was recently expelled, and is now living in Boston. “I cum extremely fast. It’s a pretty bad disorder, but I just can’t help it. I figured, what better way to bring attention to this medical issue than to glue cereal to my face, so that’s what I did.”

Rogers says that he wants to help raise money for doctors to discover ways that he can hold back his ejaculations for longer periods.

“Gluing cereal to my face was supposed to be some deep metaphor, but people have taken it to extremes, and I think the point is getting lost now,” said Rogers. “Sexy women are doing it just for fun. Sexy women don’t prematurely ejaculate, so they really don’t need to be doing this. It’s kind of embarrassing, really.”

The original Cereal Face video has been viewed more than 2.6 million times on YouTube, and Rogers has says he’s taken the $4.97 he’s made from Google Ad revenue and donated it to McDonald’s in exchange for a cheeseburger and a Coca-cola.

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Woman Pulls a Gun On Store Cashier Who Said ‘Happy Holidays’ Instead of ‘Merry Christmas’

gun

ASHEVILLE, North Carolina – 

A woman reportedly pulled a gun on a Kroger’s grocery store cashier who wished her ‘Happy Holidays’ instead of a ‘Merry Christmas’ after the transaction, according to Asheville Police.

“We had a call of a woman, mid-to-late-30s, who pulled a semi-automatic pistol on a Kroger’s employee,” said police chief Miles Kenefic. “The woman, who has yet to be identified, reportedly was upset to hear the employee say ‘happy holidays,’ and pulled the gun from her purse.”

The Kroger’s employee, who has been placed on leave following the incident to recover from stress-related illness, was told by her supervisors to tell everyone “Happy Holidays” after they had completed their transaction.

“It’s Kroger’s policy to say ‘Happy Holidays,’ because it’s more inclusive,” said store manager Joe Goldsmith. “It doesn’t matter to me if you celebrate Christmas or any other holiday at this time. You could celebrate no gift giving of family-oriented or religious holiday. It wouldn’t matter. There’s still New Year’s, and that’s still a holiday, so it’s just what we say here. Our employee was in the right.”

Police have been unable to come up with any leads as to the identity of the woman in the store, but say they are ‘working diligently’ to locate the suspect.

“We’re very upset that this happened in our city,” said Goldsmith. “It’s definitely proof-positive of why people should not be allowed to carry guns. Period.”

 

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Mall Santa Arrested After Punching Little Boy Who Urinated On His Lap

Mall Santa Arrested For Possession of Child Pornography

BANGOR, Maine – 

Charles DeMar, 60, was arrested this week after he punched a 4-year-old child in the face who accidentally urinated on his lap. DeMar, who has been playing Santa Claus in a mall in Bangor, Maine for the last 4 years, reportedly “flipped out” according to witnesses, when a young child urinated on him while asking for presents.

“Oh man, it was the most horrific thing I’ve ever seen,” said mall shopper Joanne Lewis. “Santa grabbed the kid by the back of his coat and held him up. He was yelling and shouting and calling the kid a ‘dumb little motherfucker,’ and then he proceeded to punch the poor kid in the face 3 or 4 times. The mother was screaming her head off.”

Mall security rushed to the Santa area, where they tackled DeMar and rushed the child to a local medical center. DeMar was detained until Maine State Police were able to arrive.

“That little sonofabitch, he’s definitely going on the naughty list,” said DeMar during police questioning. “He pissed on me on purpose, I know he did. I told him that he could choose one or two toys to ask for, but that greedy little asshole had a 12-page list of things he wanted. He deserved the beating, and I’m glad to have been the one to have given it to him.”

DeMar is being held until his arraignment. The boy’s parents have stated they plan on filing a lawsuit against both DeMar and the Bangor Mall.

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US Government To Allow Three-Toed Sloth As Pets

sloth

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The internet’s second most loved animal after the cat, the sloth is an animal loved by many, although actually seen – in real life, anyway – by very few people. That will all change starting January 1st, as the US government plans to lift its ban on certain exotic animals, including the furry three-toed sloth.

“The world loves sloths almost as much as they love cute, furry kittens,” said USDA wildlife spokesman Gerard Bole. “After an online petition to allow sloths as pets was signed over 350,000 times on the change.org website, the USDA decided to work with the other branches of the government to establish laws that would allow three-toed sloths to be imported as pets for private citizens.”

In the past, only zoos and animal treatment and research facilities were allowed to import sloths, which reside mostly in central and south America. The new laws will allow anyone to import the sloth to keep as a pet in their own home.

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Second Giant Skull Washes Up On Beach In San Fransisco, California

second skull

SAN FRANSISCO, California – 

In November, experts were baffled after a giant skull of an unknown creature washed ashore on the beaches of San Fransisco, leaving many to wonder how it was possible that the creature had gone unnoticed for so long.

““This is not some prehistoric skull that washed ashore after millions of years tumbling under the waves,” said research scientist Anthony Moore back in January when the first skull was found. “This is a creature that died only a short while ago, probably within the last 2 years. It’s mind-boggling that there could be a creature out there of this size, and no one had seen it previously.”

On Monday, a second skull washed ashore, just 3 miles down the coast from the original finding. Experts say they are still conducting studies to determine the origins of the skulls. Public interest has been at an all-time high after the announcement was made by the California Coast Guard of Monday’s findings.

“We are extremely excited, although slightly terrified, that these skulls continue to was ashore,” said Marine Biologist Joel Gluck. “As we mentioned back in November, these creatures are going unnoticed in our waters, and dying, and washing ashore. Based on their size, they could level a killer whale if need be, so we’re extremely interested in determining its methods of staying undetected.”

The Coast Guards warns that if more skulls continue to appear, they may be forced to close the beaches for an undetermined amount of time, until it is cleared for safety reasons.

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