Faux Report

Netflix Show ’13 Reasons Why’ Sparks Thousands of Teens To Commit Suicide

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

The new series from Netflix, 13 Reasons Why, which deals with the aftermath of a young teen who commits suicide, has apparently ‘triggered’ thousands of teenagers across the country to kill themselves.

“It’s shocking, really, that our little girl killed herself,” said Mary Lambert, 50, a mother of three whose oldest daughter, 19-year-old Alyssa killed herself last week. “We didn’t know she was even watching the show, let alone depressed in the first place. It’s really just the pits.”

Netflix says that the show is not designed for children and teens, but many kids have reported watching it anyway.

“I wasn’t really depressed before I watched the show, but then as I watched, I saw how much everyone actually cared after the girl killed herself, and I was like ‘Damn!’,” said Hannah, age 15. “I didn’t kill myself, at least not yet. Depends on how the show keeps going. I’m only like 5 episodes in.”

Many people are saying that it is “irresponsible” of Netflix to provide such content to teens, and not even offer a warning or a resource label with 800-numbers or websites that can help, much like other shows and movies have done that deal with heavy subjects.

Netflix says that they’re “very sorry” to hear that so many teens are killing themselves after watching the show.

“It’s a shame that teens are taking the wrong message from our show,” said Netflix spokesman Kyle Chandler. “It’s even worse for them now, because we just confirmed that we are going to continue the story with a season 2.”

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Faux Report

Registered Sex Offender ‘Very Upset’ Children Stopped Playing ‘Pokemon Go’ Mobile Game

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PHOENIX, Arizona – 

Mark Henry, a registered sex offender who has been convicted more than a dozen times for crimes against teens and children, says he is “very upset” that no one plays Pokemon Go anymore.

“I used to be able to meet tons of little kids, because everyone was playing it, and now the only people I’m meeting are other pervs who are out looking for kids, too,” said Henry. “It’s stupid. I wish they’d make a new game I could use to track kids.”

Pokemon Go was the most popular mobile game of all time, with hundreds of millions of downloads – but that was last year. Since the release, users have stopped playing in droves, with an average of only 3 or 4 people still playing in any given town on any given day.

“Last summer, kids were everywhere, and now, they haven’t been anywhere,” said Henry. “Plenty of Squirtles are out there, but no kids. I’m suffering, here.”

The game would allow players to catch Pokemon in the “real world” using augmented reality. Many players worked together to “Catch ’em all.”

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Faux Report

Country Star Loretta Lynn Says She’s Sick of Getting Hate Mail For Loretta Lynch

NASHVILLE, Tennessee – 

Country legend Loretta Lynch, best known for her his song The Coal Miner’s Daughter, says she is “sick to death” of getting hate mail, emails, and tweets aimed at former Attorney General Loretta Lynch.

“I don’t know the woman, but Republicans apparently hate that bitch,” said Lynn, 84. “I get hundreds of emails and tweets each day, confusing me with her. I don’t know why. I sing music, she’s just some black attorney. I don’t see the connection.”

Former Attorney General Loretta Lynch, who was appointed by Barack Obama, has never been liked by Republican voters, but has recently been in the news for Republican reports that she is tied to a Clinton scandal.

This is not the first time that celebrities have been confused for one another. Rachel Roy was allegedly the woman referenced as having an affair with Beyonce’s husband, and many Beyonce fans attacked TV personality Rachel Ray via twitter. Adam Sandler often gets hate mail that should be directed at Gilbert Godfried, also. Although he reportedly also gets plenty of his own as well.

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Faux Report

Chuck Berry Not Actually Dead, ‘I’m Just a Heavy Sleeper’ Says Rock Legend

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ST. LOUIS, Missouri – 

Chuck Berry, the man that many people say originated modern rock ‘n’ roll music, was reported as having passed away at the age of 90 by mainstream media, and the topic was trending on Facebook and other social media sites by mid-day Saturday. As it turns out, though, the reports were false.

“Chuck is still alive and kicking, albeit with a lot less force than a few years ago,” said a friend of Berry’s, Marvin Richardson. “I was just hanging out with him last night. He played a few licks on the guitar for me, and he got a good laugh out of the fact that everyone thought he was dead. He said he was only taking a nap!”

Berry, who has a career that spans over 60 years, is the latest in what some people would refer to as a “death hoax,” but in this case, it seems that Berry is in good spirits about it and doesn’t think it was a traditional hoax.

“I don’t think anyone said I had died on purpose to fool people,” said Berry. “I think that my family, my friends, and even my doctors really thought I was dead. I do sleep really, really soundly, and sometimes I think my heart may actually be stopping. I guess this just confirms it.”

Berry will perform his 300th concert at Blueberry Hill next month, assuming he hasn’t died for real by that point.

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Faux Report

Chuck Berry Not Actually Dead, ‘I’m Just a Heavy Sleeper’ Says Rock Legend

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ST. LOUIS, Missouri – 

Chuck Berry, the man that many people say originated modern rock ‘n’ roll music, was reported as having passed away at the age of 90 by mainstream media, and the topic was trending on Facebook and other social media sites by mid-day Saturday. As it turns out, though, the reports were false.

“Chuck is still alive and kicking, albeit with a lot less force than a few years ago,” said a friend of Berry’s, Marvin Richardson. “I was just hanging out with him last night. He played a few licks on the guitar for me, and he got a good laugh out of the fact that everyone thought he was dead. He said he was only taking a nap!”

Berry, who has a career that spans over 60 years, is the latest in what some people would refer to as a “death hoax,” but in this case, it seems that Berry is in good spirits about it and doesn’t think it was a traditional hoax.

“I don’t think anyone said I had died on purpose to fool people,” said Berry. “I think that my family, my friends, and even my doctors really thought I was dead. I do sleep really, really soundly, and sometimes I think my heart may actually be stopping. I guess this just confirms it.”

Berry will perform his 300th concert at Blueberry Hill next month, assuming he hasn’t died for real by that point.

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‘Cash Me Outside’ Girl Revealed To Actually Be 45-Year-Old Man

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Danielle Bregoli, better known as the “cash me outside” or “catch me outside” girl who was made famous by her atrocious behavior and fake street-girl accent on the Dr. Phil Show, has been revealed to be an actor, 45-year-old Danny Meyers.

Meyers is a YouTube sensation, who said that he started the character of Danielle on his channel, and it didn’t really catch on.

“When I took her to national TV, that’s when this entire thing really started to pay off,” said Meyers. “I really didn’t think it was going to blow up like it did, but it ended up being hilarious.”

Meyers is known for his extensive pranks and characters from his YouTube series, Pranks and Characters, and he says the character of the “cash me outside” girl just came naturally.

“I used to watch me sister and her friends get ready for a night on the town, and they ended up just spending the whole time putting on too much makeup and talking shit about boys and trying to act tough,” said Meyers. “I come from Stamford, Connecticut. There is nobody hard in Connecticut.”

Meyers appeared on the Dr. Phil Show twice as Danielle, and even went through an entire 3-week course at a camp to deter wayward youth.

“Being on that ranch was tough, I’m not going to lie. There were several times I wanted to give up, tell them it was all a joke, and move on,” said Meyers. “But I stuck it out. I figured I owed Dr. Phil that much for making me famous.”

There was no comment made from Meyers about who played Danielle’s mother on the Dr. Phil Show, or if he plans to retire the character now that he has outed himself.

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Hillary Clinton Takes Game Show Hosting Gig

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

The former first lady and almost president, Hillary Clinton, may have disappeared from the spotlight in the weeks after the election, but apparently, the reason isn’t anything that people speculated.

According to GSN – the Gameshow Network – Clinton has been busy filming episodes of POPlitics, a new show they’ve developed featuring a mashup of questions about politics and pop-culture.

“Mrs. Clinton was our dream-get for the host of POPlitics, and we honestly never thought she’d sign on,” said game creator Mark Levine. “She was very close to winning the election and becoming the leader of the free world for a bit there, and we were in the middle of working out the game details and kinks at that point. Our backup would have been to get Paul Ryan, or maybe Weiner – someone else whose name people recognize. But, thankfully, she lost the election, and we were able to sign her on!”

Levine says that game show shoots are grueling, and that’s why Clinton hasn’t been seen for a bit.

“Game shows regularly shoot a whole week’s worth of episodes in one day, with breaks for wardrobe changes, and stuff like that,” said Levine. “Hill has been great. She has a lot of pantsuits, so it’s quick for her to just throw on a new color, and get back out there. The game really came together when she took on hosting duties. It’s going to be great!”

POPlitics will begin airing in April on GSN.

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Faux Report

Oscars Telecast To Feature Only Black People, Minorities In Audience

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

The Oscars have been under fire for several years for not having many representatives of color appear in any of the awards categories, especially when it comes to acting awards and Best Picture.

This year, the Academy has fought back, saying that although there still aren’t many minorities represented within the awards categories, they will fill all the seats in the audience with “blacks and other minorities.”

“Normally, the seats around the stage are filled with the celebrities, who are, naturally, white people,” said Oscars telecast director Joe Lambert. “This year, the Academy wanted to do something different, so we’re having all the people who will actually win the awards – that is, the white, talented people – sit way in the back, and in the balconies. The front seats will be filled be a slew of ‘seat fillers,’ which we have every year anyway so in case George Clooney runs to the crapper, the seats all still look full on TV. This year, the difference is that every single seat filler that we hired is blacker than the ace of spades.”

When questioned about where Denzel Washington would be seated, as he actually is nominated this year for his film, Fences, Lambert said he “couldn’t be sure,” but he thought that the Academy wanted Denzel seated with the whites “this time.”

The Oscars are slated for February 26th, and will be broadcast on ABC.

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Faux Report

‘The Golden Girls’ To Get Netflix Reboot; Betty White Will Reprise Role as Rose

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Betty White has always said that she plans to work up until the day she dies, and at 96 years young, she’s not kidding. The actress, who is perhaps best known for her role on the 80s sitcom The Golden Girls, says that she has inked a deal with Netflix, who acquired the rights to the show from NBC, to appear once again as her iconic character, Rose Nylund, for a series reboot filming this year.

The original series starred White, Bea Arthur, Estelle Getter, and Rue McClanahan – all of whom have passed on, save for White. The rebooted series will star White, but so far no other cast members have been announced.

“The original series ended, and then we went on to film The Golden Palace for awhile, but then that one ended, too,” said White. “I have only seen the pilot script for the reboot, but it’s very funny. It takes place in the same house. A woman outbids Rose for Blanche’s house at an auction, but the two become friends and end up moving into the place together. Then, Rose’s daughter, who is now in her 60s, moves in as well, along with her 30-something daughter. The house is full once more, and the story really is a laugh riot.”

White says that she signed on for the initial 6 episodes, but doesn’t know much more about the story or the characters.

“It didn’t take much coaxing to get me to play Rose one more time,” said White. “I truly cannot wait.”

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WWE Chairman Vince McMahon Says Donald Trump Will Make Appearance At Wrestlemania

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STAMFORD, CT – 

WWE Chairman Vince McMahon announced today that he has tapped President Donald Trump to appear at Wrestlemania 33 in Orlando, Florida on April 2nd.

Trump, who had a long story arch in the WWE in the 90s and was entered into the WWE Wrestling Hall of Fame in 2013, says that he is “extremely excited” to get back in the ring.

“It was one of the best times of my life, attacking Vince McMahon and appearing on their Pay-Per-View events,” said Trump. “Vince and I, we’ve been friends a long time. Rivals in the world of business, but friends all the same. When he asked me to return, I wasn’t sure it was the best thing to do, because I’ve got a lot going on right now, but this is a yuge opportunity and will be a lot of fun for me, and hopefully for the Wrestlemania crowd in Orlando. I have no problem taking a steel chair to the face, as long as that chair was made by the United Steel Workers Union here in the great country I call home – the United States of America.”

“We are very excited that Donnie will be coming back in,” said McMahon in a press release posted to WWE.com. “He has always been a friend to this company, to the wrestling world, to the world of Sports Entertainment, and as an honored member of the Hall of Fame, we are very excited to have him appear at Wrestlemania 33.”

Neither McMahon nor Trump have indicated in what capacity the latter would be appearing, but McMahon did drop a hint that he hoped Trump wouldn’t have any problem getting color.

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‘The Simpsons’ Creator Says Next Season Will Be Last

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LOS ANGELES, California –

Matt Groenig, creator of The Simpsons, says that next year will finally be the last season for the cartoon – the longest running show in prime time.

“Frankly, we’re all pretty bored with it. The show has been on for, what, about 30 or 40 seasons, and it’s just stale. I mean yeah, it’s funny for the audience, but this cast, these guys and gals, man, they’re bored. I don’t blame them,” said Groenig.

FOX, the channel that airs the show in the U.S., said that they are “more than ready” to fill the Sunday night timeslot with something else, and are eyeing Family Guy creator Seth McFarlane to work on a new show.

“Seth has come up with some great ideas, and we’re really excited to see where they go,” said FOX CEO Marvin Hamlin. “He actually just pitched us a new show yesterday that we’re ordering a pilot for. It’s called The Stimpsons, and it is an animated show about a dysfunctional family. There’s the alcoholic dad, the big-haired mom, a few precocious kids. Frankly, we have never seen anything like it before, and we’re thinking it’s going to be great.”

 

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‘Big Fat Fabulous Life’ TV Star Has Weight Loss Journey Sabotaged By TLC

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HOLLYWOOD, California –

One of the stars of the TLC TV series Big Fat Fabulous Life has come forward, saying that the cable channel completely sabotaged her weight loss goals by constantly providing her with food.

“I told producers I planned to lose weight. I was feeling horrible, fat, and unhealthy. Despite the title, being fat is not fabulous,” said Mary Lawrence, who weighed 297 pounds when she started filming the show. “I wanted to get down to around 165. I started talking to my doctors, and they were going to help. TLC seemed supportive, but then their wallets got the better of them.”

Lawrence, 28, says that TLC began sending her baskets of food, restaurant gift certificates, and they cancelled the personal trainer they said they’d help pay for.

“They really just wanted me to stay fat, because it is good for ratings if I’m huge,” said Lawrence. “I couldn’t help myself. When someone sends you a basket of cheeseburgers from In-and-Out, you have no choice but to devour them all. In one sitting. By yourself. While watching My 600lb Life.”

TLC representatives could not be reached for comment.

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Carrie Fisher’s Ghost Reportedly Spotted On Hollywood Boulevard

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Star Wars fans have been hanging around Hollywood Boulevard for the last two days, after a man says he saw Carrie Fisher’s ghost hanging around downtown.

“It was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Mario Lewis, who is on vacation from Idaho. “There was this gorgeous woman, and she was dressed as Princess Leia from the Star Wars movies. I walked over to her and my eyes just bugged out. It was Princess Leia! It was the ghost of Carrie Fisher, and it made my life seeing that.”

Although so far no one else has seen Ms. Fisher’s ghost appear in Hollywood – or anywhere else – a rabid fanbase of Star Wars nerds have been wandering all over Hollywood, hoping to catch a glimpse.

A homeless woman, Marlene Simmons, who has lived in Hollywood her whole life, says that the tourist is just an idiot.

“There’s no damn ghost here. Never was of any other celebrity, sure as shit wouldn’t be of Carrie Fisher, neither,” said Simmons. “That damn fool just got confused because there are always people out here on the Boulevard, dressed up as characters from movies and what not. Dumbass saw a woman dressed like Princess whoever, got himself all riled up. Now get yo’ ass out my face. You’re standing in my bathroom.”

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Former CIA Agent Confesses To Killing Marilyn Monroe While On His Deathbed

NORFOLK, Virginia – 

A 78-year old retired officer of the CIA, Normand Hodges, has made a series of astonishing confessions since he was admitted at the Sentara General Hospital on Monday. He claims he committed 37 assassinations for the American government between 1959 and 1972, including the actress and model, Marilyn Monroe.

Mr. Hodges, who worked for the CIA for 41 years as an operative with top-level security clearances, claims he was often employed as a hitman by the organization, to assassinate individuals who could represent a threat to the security of the country.

Trained as both a sniper and a martial arts expert, Mr Hodges says he also has significant experience with more unconventional methods of inflicting harm upon others, like poisons and explosives.

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Mr. Hodges swears he remembers vividly, each of the assassinations he committed for the CIA.  He claims that all 37 of the murders he committed on the American soil, were ordered by his commanding officer, Major James “Jimmy” Hayworth.

The elderly man claims he committed his assassinations between August 1959 and March 1972, at a time when he says “the CIA had its own agenda“. He says he was part of an operative cell of five members which carried out political assassinations across the country. Most of their victims were political activists, journalists and union leaders, but he also claims that he killed a few scientists and artists whose ideas represented a threat to the interests of the United States.

Mr. Hodges says that Marilyn Monroe remains unique among his victims, as she is the only woman he ever assassinated. He claims he has no regrets, however, as he says that she had become a “threat for the security of the country”  and had to be eliminated.

“We had evidence that Marilyn Monroe had not only slept with Kennedy, but also with Fidel Castro,” claims M. Hodges. ” My commanding officer, Jimmy Hayworth, told me that she had to die, and that it had to look like a suicide or an overdose. I had never killed a woman before, but I obeyed orders… I did it for America! She could have transmitted strategic information to the communists, and we couldn’t allow that! She had to die! I just did what I had to do!”

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Marilyn Monroe died between midnight and 1 AM, on August 5, 1962. Mr Hodges claims he entered her room while she was sleeping and injected her with a massive dose of chloral hydrate (a powerful sedative), mixed with Nembutal (a short-acting barbiturate), causing her death.

The 78-year old man was placed under custody by the FBI, which is taking Mr Hodges’ confession very seriously and has opened an investigation to verify his allegations. The investigation might be very complicated, however, as very few written files are available on such secret activities and most of the actors implicated in the various cases are already dead.

The most important witness in the story after Mr. Hodges himself, his alleged commanding officer, Major James Hayworth, died of a heart attack in 2011. Two of the other three “CIA assassins” identified by Mr Hodges are also dead, and the last one, Captain Keith McInnis, went missing in action in 1968 and is presumed dead.

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