Faux Report

Man Creates Indiegogo Campaign To Pay For His Assisted Suicide

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PORTLAND, Oregon – 

A Portland, Oregon man has set up a crowdfunding page to help him pay for the expenses associated with his assisted suicide, including finding a doctor who will attend the event, as well as associated funeral costs.

Jimmy Rogers, 70, says that he has “absolutely nothing” left to live for, and wants to kill himself, but do it “properly,” according to the Portland Press Gazette and Herald. 

“I have lived here in Oregon my entire life. My wife is gone, we never had any kids, and I’m just sitting around, getting older by the minute,” said Rogers. “A friend of mine down at the rectory turned me on to the internet about 6 months ago. Fascinating thing, that internet. Anyway, I discovered a page where you can ask people to give you money, just like that, without doing a damn thing to earn it.”

Rogers says he saw a lot of people had received donations on everything from operations for their cat to a new pair of sneakers, all of which he referred to as “straight horse shit.”

“If these people want a pair of sneakers, they need to go out and get a damn job,” said Rogers. “That said, though, if people are just going to throw money at nothing, they might as well throw it at me.”

Rogers says he is seeking $15,000, which will pay for the doctor and his after-death expenses, with a little left over to send to his friend Roy, who is the person who helped Rogers set up his first computer.

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Faux Report

Man Commits Suicide After Failing To Rise Money For New Sneakers On GoFundMe

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BALTIMORE, Maryland – 

A week after jumping four floors from a hospital window, Hakeen Burley has died from his injuries. After failing to raise enough money through his crowdfunding campaign, Burley decided to take his own life.

Burley was visiting his grandmother, who was recovering from heart surgery at Mercy Hospital in Baltimore. According to witnesses, Burley made one last plea to his family and friends to donate to his GoFundMe Campaign, which he had set up so he could buy the new pair of Fendi monster fur-trimmed leather high-top sneakers he had his eye on.

His cousin, Jamal, explains, “It was real important to him to get those kicks before they went out of style. In his mind, his time was running out, but the problem is he comes from a poor family, and no one cares to help him out. We were all too busy trying to find a way to raise money for Grammy’s heart surgery.”

Although Burley’s grandmother got quite a shock, she has recovered from her surgery and was released from the hospital.

“He was always my least favorite grandchild, anyway,” said Burley’s Grandmother, Irene. “He only came to visit me in the hospital to hit me up for money, the ungrateful brat. I won’t say that I’m glad that he’s gone, but…Hakeen, who?”

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