Tag Archives: doctors

Faux Report

Man Creates Indiegogo Campaign To Pay For His Assisted Suicide

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PORTLAND, Oregon – 

A Portland, Oregon man has set up a crowdfunding page to help him pay for the expenses associated with his assisted suicide, including finding a doctor who will attend the event, as well as associated funeral costs.

Jimmy Rogers, 70, says that he has “absolutely nothing” left to live for, and wants to kill himself, but do it “properly,” according to the Portland Press Gazette and Herald. 

“I have lived here in Oregon my entire life. My wife is gone, we never had any kids, and I’m just sitting around, getting older by the minute,” said Rogers. “A friend of mine down at the rectory turned me on to the internet about 6 months ago. Fascinating thing, that internet. Anyway, I discovered a page where you can ask people to give you money, just like that, without doing a damn thing to earn it.”

Rogers says he saw a lot of people had received donations on everything from operations for their cat to a new pair of sneakers, all of which he referred to as “straight horse shit.”

“If these people want a pair of sneakers, they need to go out and get a damn job,” said Rogers. “That said, though, if people are just going to throw money at nothing, they might as well throw it at me.”

Rogers says he is seeking $15,000, which will pay for the doctor and his after-death expenses, with a little left over to send to his friend Roy, who is the person who helped Rogers set up his first computer.

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Faux Report

Doctor Discovers Thousands Of Baby Spiders Inside Boil On Man’s Face

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MIAMI, Florida – 

A Miami man visited a doctor recently for what he assumed was a skin rash or a boil on the side of his face, but doctors surprised him by explaining that the lesion was actually a spider’s nest.

“When the patient came in, he thought he was just going to be getting the area lanced and cleaned,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Miami-Dade Hospital Center. “As soon as he came into the ER, though, we sectioned him off and had to perform minor surgery immediately.”

This is not the first time that a Miami-area man has had spider eggs laid inside their body. In 2006, another man was complaining of an itchy spot on his leg, and doctors were forced to amputate from the knee down after they discovered a colony of more than 10,000 baby spiders had nested under his skin.

“Our patient was a lot more lucky. He will not lose any of the skin on his face, and we were able to contain and kill all of the spiders,” said Dr. Brown. “Basically, a pregnant spider must have been crawling on our patient’s face during the evening, and was able to lay her eggs in an opening when our young patient was suffering from severe acne. It’s a fluke, and rare, but something everyone should be aware of.”

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Faux Report

Man Hospitalized After Stealing Wife’s Breast Milk, Using It To Dunk Cookies

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BANGOR, Maine –

A man in Maine was hospitalized with severe stomach issues after it was discovered that he was using his wife’s breast milk to dunk his cookies into.

Thomas Towner, 30, had apparently been sneaking into the family kitchen for weeks, dunking his favorite Girl Scout cookies into glasses of his wife, Vanessa’s, breast milk.

“We just had our first baby, and Vanessa has been pumping non-stop,” said Thomas. “We have a massive surplus of it in the fridge and freezer. I accidentally got a little on my hand one time while feeding the baby, and I just licked it off, without really thinking about it. It was delicious. Ever since, I can’t get enough of the stuff.”

Doctors say that they pumped more than a gallon of breast milk out of Thomas’ stomach.

“Breast milk is rich with nutrients and minerals, and it’s good for babies – not so much for adults, though,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Maine General Hospital. “Mr. Towner had been drinking so much of the stuff, it was poisoning his body. We do not at all recommend drinking your own, or your wife’s, breast milk. Save that stuff for the baby. They need it more than you.”

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Faux Report

Maine To Become First State To Legalize Heroin

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AUGUSTA, Maine – 

Maine has been at the forefront of a widespread battle against heroin addiction, with much of New England having some of the highest numbers of users in the country. Where doctors have failed, heroin has flourished, giving many people suffering from severe pain a way to reduce their issues at a fraction of the cost.

“The state of Maine is extremely happy to announce that we are the first to allow our citizens to freely use heroin,” said Maine Governor Paul LePage. “We have tried battling the addiction. We have tried regulating doctors to only allow certain medicines to be prescribed, so as not to cause more people to become addicted to painkillers. Alas, we’ve failed. Instead, we’re taking a different route.”

LePage says that he hopes that legalization of heroin will help to allow more people to get their pain and issues under control.

“If you can’t beat them, then it’s time to join them. Or in this case, it’s time to let them be free to make those choices,” said LePage. “Doctors are the number one reason that people get hooked on heroin. They prescribe heavy opiate painkillers to people, and when those prescriptions run out, those patients look to the streets. You can get some heroin for $10 on the streets, and your backache will be gone. Why not try it, right?”

LePage says that further regulating the drug would be a “horrible idea,” and that legalization will be pushed through as soon as possible.

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Faux Report

Woman Delivers Healthy Newborn Baby Anally After Internal Complications

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ATLANTA, Georgia –

A woman who went into labor on Sunday evening became the first in recorded history to deliver her baby anally instead of vaginally, after internal complications forced doctors to re-route her baby’s delivery path.

“Our patient, whose name is not being released at this time, suffered from serious infections and complications during her labor, and as such, we were not able to deliver her baby vaginally or through emergency caesarian procedures,” said Dr. Joe Goldsmith of Atlanta Medical Center. “The patient was sedated, and we were able to successfully redirect her baby from her uterus through her bowels, and out her colon. It is the first, and as I’m aware, only time that this has been performed.”

Dr. Goldsmith says the entire procedure was recorded for future study and use by other medical professionals who may run into similar situations. At the time of this writing, both mother and baby were fine, although mother will be forced to wear adult diapers for the forseeable future.

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Faux Report

Baby Born With Face On Torso and No Head Might Be ‘Creepiest Ever,’ Says Doctor

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PHOENIX, Arizona –

A baby born earlier this week has an extremely rare disease that has caused it to not have a head, but have its face on its torso, is being described by doctors as the ‘creepiest thing’ that they have ever seen.

“Holy shit, I’m not kidding when I said it’s disturbing,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, who delivered the baby. “I almost vomited all over the place. Not from disgust, really, just from the shocking nature of it. It’s insane. I don’t even want to look at it.”

The child, whose mother has asked not to be named, is one of only 3 or 4 known cases of what doctors call Ichabod Crane Syndrome, named after the famous story of the Headless Horseman.

“It’s extremely rare, and thank God for that,” said Dr. Brown. “I can’t believe I delivered that baby. It’s a miracle, sure, and it’s definitely a child of God, they all are – but holy fuck you guys, did you see it?”

Mommy and  baby, who has been named Brayden, are reportedly doing fine.

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Faux Report

Man Who Was Born With Hand Coming Out of Foot Can’t Decide Which To Keep

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DENVER, Colorado –

A Denver man, Joe Goldsmith, 30, is stuck at a crossroads of a major decision. Goldsmith was born with a hand coming out of his leg just above his foot, and doctors are saying that having both is causing severe issues with nerves in the area, and he has to choose which to keep.

“Honestly, most people have been telling me to keep the foot, which seems like the obvious choice,” said Goldsmith. “Problem is, if I had a hand down there instead, think of how many more things I could do super easily. Rock climbing, for example. I’d have way better grip. Or say I drop something and don’t want to bend over? It would be way easier having fingers down there.”

Doctors say that they are leaving the choice entirely up to Goldsmith, and that they will abide by whichever choice he makes.

“No skin off my ass if he wants a hand where his foot should be,” said surgeon Richard Kimball. “All I know is I wish he’d hurry up and decide. I have a tee-off at 5pm, and I don’t want to miss it.”

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