Tag Archives: crackers

Faux Report

Cheez-It Crackers Contain Highly Addictive Additive, Many Are Boycotting Product

cheezit

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Cheese lovers are boycotting the popular snack Cheeze-Its due to concerns about the addictive nature of the crackers, as well as some of the ingredients.

Cheez-It brand crackers contain the preservative TBHQ, which is made from butane and is dangerous to consume. BHQ, tertiary butylhydroquinone, is a synthetic antioxidant that is commonly used as a food preservative. TBHQ contains a butyl moiety which some consumers, with no knowledge of chemisty, fear is related to butane.

TBHQ has been banned in Japan, but the FDA and the European Food Safety Authority both classify TBHQ as a safe food additive.

Cheez-It has released a statement on its facebook page, addressing the many consumer concerns.

“Thanks for reaching out. We appreciate you sharing your concerns. These ingredients are antioxidants which prevent the food from spoiling. If you want to eat bad, stale crackers we suggest you find an ‘all-natural’ brand. We pride ourselves in the flavor and freshness of our product and add the least amount of preservatives necessary to keep our cracker from tasting like straight cheesy shit. We know some consumers are unnecessarily paranoid and are looking at a number of natural alternatives to ensure the same flavor and freshness in our foods. Good luck.”

The company maintains that the reason their crackers are so addictive is because “they’re fucking delicious, and everyone loves cheese.”

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Faux Report

Serial Killer Leaves Saltine Crackers On White-Only Victims; Dubbed ‘Cracka-Killer’

police

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

The FBI is offering a reward for information leading to identification of the “Cracka-Killer,” who has nine confirmed kills, all of whom were strangled and found with a single saltine cracker placed over each eye. The Cracka-Killer is assumed to be an unmarried black man, age 28-40, who feels “wronged by the white man.” His victims have all been white men and women above age thirty, and were residents of Massachusetts and New York State.

According to John Douglas, a former chief of FBI’s serial crime unit, there are conservatively between 35 and 50 active serial killers on the loose in the US at any given time. Most do not leave such an obvious calling card.

As many tips are expected to flood in, the FBI reminds the public not to call in to report every gang member or man of color buying crackers.

Resident Jay-Rod Brown is offended that they assume it’s a black man. “It’s actually racist to assume the killer is a black man. Maybe he isn’t calling them ‘crackas,’ maybe his momma didn’t give him enough soup as a child. You never know what’s in a psycho’s mind. Or it’s some old cracka who wants to put the suspicion on someone else. That’s my theory.”

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