Tag Archives: Condoms

Faux Report

Congress To Lift Age of Sexual Consent Across Country

sex

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Congress has voted unanimously to completely lift the age of sexual consent in all states in the country. Currently, most states have laws that restrict sexual activity to teens aged 16, 17, or 18, depending on the state. Starting June 1st, the laws will be lifted, allowing children of all ages to begin copulating.

“The problem with the current laws, really, was that sex feels really, really damn good,” said congressman Joel Silver (R-Iowa). “Kids know that, and they’ve been having sex younger and younger over the years. In the early 1900s, girls were getting married and having families at 13. Somewhere along the way, those values were skewed. This helps to get us back on the right track.”

According to Silver, the bill was created to make sure that there were less people crying statutory rape unnecessarily.

“My son is 17, and his girlfriend was 16,” said Silver. “They dated for two years. Both myself and the girl’s parents knew that they were having sex. It was fine, until they broke up. At that point, the girl’s parents immediately cried statutory rape, and my son was arrested and charged. Is that fair? This fixes that.”

Silver hopes that children who begin sexual activity earlier will also learn about safe sex earlier as well.

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Faux Report

Congress To Lift Age of Sexual Consent Across Country

sex

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Congress has voted unanimously to completely lift the age of sexual consent in all states in the country. Currently, most states have laws that restrict sexual activity to teens aged 16, 17, or 18, depending on the state. Starting June 1st, the laws will be lifted, allowing children of all ages to begin copulating.

“The problem with the current laws, really, was that sex feels really, really damn good,” said congressman Joel Silver (R-Iowa). “Kids know that, and they’ve been having sex younger and younger over the years. In the early 1900s, girls were getting married and having families at 13. Somewhere along the way, those values were skewed. This helps to get us back on the right track.”

According to Silver, the bill was created to make sure that there were less people crying statutory rape unnecessarily.

“My son is 17, and his girlfriend was 16,” said Silver. “They dated for two years. Both myself and the girl’s parents knew that they were having sex. It was fine, until they broke up. At that point, the girl’s parents immediately cried statutory rape, and my son was arrested and charged. Is that fair? This fixes that.”

Silver hopes that children who begin sexual activity earlier will also learn about safe sex earlier as well.

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Faux Report

Major Recall of Multiple Condom Brands After Employee Found Poking Holes In Packages

condoms

BRIGHTON, Mississippi – 

Multiple lines of condoms in the Durex line, including Durex Rubbas’ Sheepskin and Durex XXS condoms are being recalled from the market today after an employee was found to have been placing small holes in each package as they went through the assembly line.

Doyle Murphy, 55, had worked for the Durex condom company for over 20 years, and was apparently upset that he was passed over for a promotion for the 4th time.

“It should have been me, goddamnit,” said Murphy, who worked on the assembly line in packaging and shipping. “I’ve been with the company almost as long as that new bastard has been alive, and it’s ridiculous that they passed me over again. If they’re going to be passing me up for kids, then this company better be ready for a whole lot more kids to be born thanks to their product.”

According to security footage, Murphy was seen poking holes with a needle into random condom pouches as they went by his station. Murphy’s job was to gently squeeze each pouch before it was boxed to make sure there was air in the condom, lest someone go to use it and it’s dried out.

“They were supposed to move me off the ‘squeezies’ and into the next department up, which is the testing department. It was my time, I tell you,” said Murphy. The testing department come before packaging, and it is the area where men are required to personally test one out of every one hundred condoms that comes off the production line. “We have to make sure that they’re working, and we have a whole team of people who just have sex all day to test them. It’s my dream job.”

Murphy is being charged with felony tampering, as condoms are considered a medical device. People who use condoms are urged to carefully check the packaging for holes before slipping one on.

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