Tag Archives: China

Symphony

Cadence of Conflict: Asia, February 1, 2016

Age of provocation. China warned everyone, this week. Soros had better not declare war on Chinese currency—or else. Taiwan had better not do a lot of things. The US had better not do a lot of things. Basically, the world “had better not”.

The Pacific conflict is reaching the point where China expects a Wold v China scenario. Whatever China is doing to make enemies is so powerful that not even Obama can stay low key—whether he wants to or not. Beijing’s “magnetic” personality is drawing all guns to point east.

Taiwan is beginning its political transition, not without its own rumors. The DPP opposition took the legislature today. The new president won’t be sworn in for a few months. But with the vast majority already in power in the legislature and local governments, the lame duck, Ma, is strung up by his webbing. All anyone can do about Taiwan is quack; the president, president-elect, and even Beijing.

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Faux Report

China Announces Plans To Sell Tibet To Highest Bidder

tibet

BEIJING, China – 

China says that they are willing to give up the sovereignty it has held Tibet since 1951 – as long as the price is right.Hippies and hipsters across the United States are already trying to raise awareness and encourage people to chip in to “Free Tibet.”

“China’s actually really hurting. The US owes 1.3 trillion dollars it never intends to pay back,” said self-proclaimed ‘granola’ Cindy Morris. “The biggest thing is the bad reputation they have developed. ‘Made in China’ means crap. Plus, the pollution over there is really bad. Their government needs more money to process all the dead bodies.”

Since the 1950s, millions has been donated to the Free Tibet cause, but it is unclear where this money is being kept or how much there is. The Dahli Lama has yet to release a statement on the matter, and the Tibetan Government in Exile has not been clear whether they will be able to afford China’s price. It is likely that they do not feel they are rightfully owned by China and will refuse to pay for their freedom.

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Faux Report

Tide Detergent Counterfeiting Ring Seemingly Unstoppable

tide

COMPTON, California –

Inner-city gangs have branched out from dealing in crack and heroin. Tide liquid detergent is now one of the hottest commodities on the streets. Many drug dealers now accept Tide as payment, encouraging shoplifters to load up carts of detergent and flee from stores. Others pay small amounts for new-looking tide bottles, which they can fill with generic detergent and resell on the black market.

Shanice Williams says most women she knows would not be caught dead at the laundromat with anything other than Tide detergent. “It’s a status thing. Tide’s classy. Don’t matter if it’s a knockoff as long as it’s blue cause they aint gonna stick their noses up in your laundry. Me though, I only use the real thing, and two cap fulls – ’cause I like my drawers smelling fresh. You gotta watch it though. Bitches will run off with your bottle if you turn your back for even a second. I even seen bitches getting stabbed for they Tide.”

Knock-off bottles are flooding the streets on Compton, Detroit, New York City, and even Des Moines. The FBI says the counterfeiting ring is difficult to stop. Not only are small-timers filling bottles with generic detergent at the local level, but thousands of counterfeit bottles are making their way into the United States from China.

“This is one of the most difficult cases I’ve ever handled as a detective,” said policeman George Lawson. “I have been working with my team tirelessly to get the Tide rings under control. Not being able to do so in a reasonable amount of time has been a real stain on my career.”

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Symphony

Cadence of Conflict: Asia, January 19, 2016

Victory! Taiwan finally defeated the old enemy of the East that the Chinese Communists could not. The KMT-Nationalist party has rarely faced such a stunning defeat. The enemy of the revolution, murderer of Taiwanese and thieves of Asia’s greatest assets, the witch of the East met her end at the hands, not of soldiers and explosives, but of democracy.

Beijing would have worldwide respect in declaring victory and normalizing relations. But the land of Sun Tzu seems to have forgotten the basics of war: If one government controls an entire region, then an enemy only need take-out the central government for the entire land to fall. If Taiwan were a Chinese province, China would be less safe. As an ally that China itself could not take—an attack against China would be unwise for any adversary. But, again, Beijing seems more bent on delusions of pride than real safety. The best kept secret about respect is not that it must be earned and not bestowed, but that those who state their respect rarely mean it. Having respect of others and having others show respect are entirely different things. This is a lesson the KMT-Nationalists still haven’t seemed to learn.

China had it’s own streak this week. More than one teary-eyed apology cross the air-waves. The world continues to see China for what it is while Beijing counts more ill will an indication of progress. Perhaps Beijing is right.

Taiwan’s confidence in voting overwhelmingly for a political party that will not cow-tow to China’s hostile takeover agenda sends a message to China. While the messengers in Beijing may not deliver, the people of China read it loud and clear, perhaps for the first time: A single government can have a new political party and the people do not need to bend to the dictates of the old establishment.

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Symphony

Cadence of Conflict: Asia, January 11, 2016

China’s economic shaking may have had more of a placebo than newspapers let on. Devalued Chinese yuan does not contribute to lower oil prices as much as the decisions of the Arabs. Even if it has a factor, lower oil prices are healthier for economies as it keeps costs lower. Perhaps China’s slowdown is good for everyone except China, and of course, Africa.

The disappearance of Hong Kong bookseller, Lee Bo, has Hong Kongers in a tizzy, still not as severe as the Umbrella Movement that ended just over a year ago. Much like the Umbrella Movement, while protests will result in little change concerning Beijing’s Hong Kong SAR policy, the world is evermore aware that there is not change.

Taiwan is set for a historic election. The opposition DPP is likely to win the presidency and likely the legislature, which would be a first. Wanting to be “friends” with Beijing has so far been the goal of the DPP and the Taiwanese, but would be seen as an insult of Beijing which wants “reunification” instead. The consequences could echo Taiwan’s first presidential election in 1996 when China shot a missile across the island.

With the tensions in the area, particularly the flyovers and bomb testing in the Koreas and protests in Hong Kong, the foreseeable diplomatic response of the White House would be in spite of an American public that is evermore aware of China’s methods and nonetheless more determined to answer.

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Symphony

Cadence of Conflict: Asia, January 5, 2016

No one is happier today than Beijing. More hoops for law-abiding gun owners to hop through means an easier cakewalk if China invaded it’s number one enemy. Without the logistic ability to invade the US, all of China’s antics in the Pacific, including landing the first plane on their man-made military islands, are dead in the water. Fortunately for Beijing, Obama is doing his part and with more persuasive words.

Perhaps Beijing could learn from Obama. Never argue with people who buy ink by the barrel. Apprehending Hong Kong publishers who speak out against you isn’t exactly the way to convince their readers that you don’t over-reach. While Obama introduced more background checks on guns, Beijing might consider background checks on books.

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Faux Report

Man With Teeth On Outside Of Face Says ‘At Least I Don’t Have Cavities’

teeth

PEIKING, China – 

Pang Wok has a rare condition that has caused his teeth to grow outwards, through his lips and gums, appearing on the outside of his face. Although doctors say that with plastic surgery and careful extraction they could fix most of Mr. Wok’s issues, he seems completely un-phased by his condition.

“I have always been like this, so no need to change anything now,” said Wok, 52. “I do not have cavities, I can still chew, so there’s not much to complain about. I am who I am and that all that I am.”

Wok says that many doctors from all over the world have offered to correct his tooth issues free of charge, but even then, Wok claims that he’s not interested.

“What’s the point? Everyone I know has seen me, they’ve grown used to it,” said Wok. “If I changed the way I look now, what would my family say? What would my wife say? They know me in this way. I am happy enough, even if I look strange. Besides, all of my patients think it’s hilarious.”

Wok has been a practicing dentist for over 20 years.

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Symphony

Cadence of Conflict: Asia, December 28, 2015

China steps up its game again. While companies won’t be required to give Beijing power to indiscriminately snoop the web, they are on notice to cooperate with coming procedures if they are asked. This time wasn’t the first, but it’s a little more clear, a little more friendly, and a little more toothy than the last.

Taiwan’s likely Presidential victor party, the DPP, has adopted a policy effectively outlawing the KMT-Nationalist party practice of owning for-profit businesses. The policy is wise by many measures, respect from the US and an even greater increase in voter support notwithstanding.

Since the US stepped up its own game, $1.8B to Taiwan, China is not happy.

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Faux Report

United States Plans To Enforce 1-Child Limit On Families

one child

WASHINGTON, D.C – 

China announced this week that they were lifting their decades-old ban on children, which previously only allowed families to have one child. Although not lifted completely, the country did decide to allow people to now have 2 children per household. In the United States, though, the amount of children a person could have has never been regulated – until now.

“We are quickly become an overpopulated nation, much like China,” said President Obama. “People are using and abusing our systems, they are taking handouts and living off the government, all because they had too many children they could not afford. I am all for helping your neighbor, but sometimes, your neighbor must also help themselves.”

According to President Obama, the United States has needed population control for many years, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to pass measures through congress. Right before the 2015 holiday break, the measure was voted on and passed.

“Starting in April of 2016, we will be limiting the number of children a couple may have down to one,” said Obama. “Obviously, if you have more than that currently, that is fine, but you will be required to stop at one child once you have your first. Men will have vasectomies; women, their tubes tied. We cannot take any chances on overpopulating this country, or this world.”

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Symphony

December 23, 2015

Franklin Graham quits GOP (Fox)

Guns, guns, and more guns for Christmas (Today News-NBC)

Obama golfs (Weekly Standard)

China citizen score (Tech in Asia)

China’s anti0terrorism law inspired by US law (Yahoo-AFP)

Chinese media: Activists ‘disrupting social order’ (Yahoo-AFP)

Putin name-drops “Hope no n*kes” (Independent)

Inside: Censor or die: The death of Mexican news in the age of drug cartels (WP)  · · · →

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Symphony

Cadence of Conflict: Asia, December 21, 2015

Tensions intensify in the China seas. Beijing knows it. Washington knows it. Everyone knows it.

Japan delayed a US cooperation step-up due to popularity issues. The Japanese public is tired of the US war machine in their back yard, however increasingly necessary Chinese patterns make such cooperation. Perhaps Japan suffers from US-imosed affluenza. Japan’s Diet is holding off until the public “figures out” that cooperation with the US is a good idea. Do they know something we don’t? What exactly is it that will happen to convince the Japanese voters to change their minds? The Diet seems to think that we’ll find out soon enough.

Taiwan’s historic election is fast approaching. Debate formats have been agreed to. The new likely party is recognizing progress from the sinking establishment. China’s answer to a new political power remains unknown.

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Symphony

Cadence of Conflict: Asia, December 14, 2015

As elections push forward in Taiwan and Malaysia, China faces it’s own political issue: Military reform.

The report from Reuters demonstrates two things. Firstly, we see that China’s military does, in fact, need reform. This is evidenced by the 300k military jobs cut since September. With an obviously larger shakeup coming, it is clear that the change is necessary, given China’s implied military status quo.

Secondly, we learn that China needs to sell the need for reform to its own military, thereby implying that, while the reform is necessary, many remain yet to be convinced that it is.

Generally speaking, growing assertiveness while implementing reform where there is no current invasion underway is typically an attempt to spread oneself too thin. This not only relates to the failing political establishment in Taiwan and Malaysia, but generic maritime strategy in the Pacific.

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Symphony

Cadence of Conflict: Asia, December 7, 2015

A day which shall live in infamy.

While the world pauses to remember the day the US was provoked into entering WWII, the headlines paused over China the week before. All eyes, including Thailand’s, are on violence from the Mid East.

China and Taiwan swap spies. US and China swap hackers. China and Russia swap satellites. Reporters swap sympathies and memos. And everyone is supposed to think that there will be peace that lives alongside infamy. But that’s only for those who forget.

Though quietly at times, the Cadence marches on toward Pacific conflict.

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Symphony

December 1, 2015

Climate number movie crashes Paris summit (Climate Depot)

Obama talks way past his limit while talking about carbon limits (NBC)

EPA calculator: Obama’s trip carbon emissions = 368,331 lbs coal; 797 barrels of oil; one year of 72 cars or 31 homes (DC)

Paris climate summit costs 300k tons carbon emissions (UK Mail)

China to launch carbon-nanny satellites (Yahoo-Reuters)

Photos: Beijing under smog (UK Mail)

Best lesson on the IMF: The Chinese yuan won’t become a global reserve currency any time soon (QZ)  · · · →

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