Tag Archives: Beer

Faux Report

Amazon Breaking Into Alcohol Sales Using New Dash Button

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SEATTLE, Washington – 

Amazon’s one-click Dash program will soon be expanding, including an option to order Pabst Blue Ribbon. The retail giant will be adding “dozens of new brands” to the service, which already offers a wide range of items from toilet paper and diapers to drinks and pet food.

Introduced last March, the Dash button was designed to offer faster, simpler ordering for members of its $99-per year Amazon Prime service. As opposed to opening up Amazon on a computer or phone, users would order a Dash button and then simply press it to reorder that particular item. In the year since the company first announced the product, Dash has grown to include over 100 brands. To celebrate the product’s one year anniversary the company in March added several big names. Among them: Brawny, Charmin, Clorox, Doritos, Energizer, Lysol, Peet’s Coffee, Playtex, Purina, Red Bull, Starbucks, Trojan, and Vitamin Water.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is particularly excited about the new beer option. “Dash for Pabst Blue Ribbon is going to save lives, especially in areas with same day delivery. No longer will alcoholics have to drive to the liquor store. They’ll order discounted cases from us, and when they’re getting low, all they need to do is hit a button.”

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Faux Report

Beer Drinkers More Likely To Die Young, Have Miserable Lives, Says Study

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at the prestigious Harvard School Of Study in Boston have recently released their findings about beer drinkers, something that the team says they have been working on for many years.

“College is a place of learning, but mostly, it’s a place to party, drink beers, and get laid,” said research head Joey Goldsmith. “We decided to study the effects of drinking beer on people’s lives, and follow the same study group over the course of 20 years.”

Goldsmith says that the study proved conclusively that beer drinkers die younger than non-beer drinkers, and that most of them go on to lead miserable, messy lives.

“We followed 50 party kids who spent most of their nights drinking, and 50 nerds, who spent their college careers working towards their goals,” said Goldsmith. “After 20 years with these people, 42 of our 50 beer drinkers were dead, and the other 8 were in rehab, prison, or homeless. Of the 50 studious people we followed, every single one had good jobs, good families, and 4 of them became millionaires in business.”

According to Goldsmith, the more beer someone drinks, the more likely they are to die young or become a “complete and total wreck.”

“I strongly suggest that if you’re going to college and you want to party, then stick to smoking weed,” said Goldsmith. “I mean, really, isn’t that the better option anyway?”

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Faux Report

U.S. Starts Initiative To Send Weed, Alcohol To Iraq So Muslims ‘Chill Out’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Obama has started an initiative to send marijuana and alcohol to Muslims in Iraq and other parts of the world, with hopes that they will ‘chill out,’ and be less likely to become ‘extremists,’ or cause any harm to anyone.

“Muslims, generally, are an irrational group of people,” said Obama. “I should know, I am one. So, what I’ve proposed to congress is a measure to begin sending large quantities of marijuana and alcohol to Muslims in Iraq and other parts of the world. I strongly believe that this initiative will help them chill out, and become too relaxed to have any desire to attack the United States.”

Obama has said that although he is aware that Muslims are strongly against drugs and alcohol, he thinks that once they try it, they will change their mind.

“Anyone who says that marijuana and booze aren’t good times, clearly hasn’t tried either of them,” said Obama. “I did my fair share of both in my day, and I can honestly say, if you want to meet your God, whoever that may be, there’s no better way to do it than by getting extremely high.”

Several Muslim groups from within the United States have said that they are protesting the measure, and think that it’s just another way for Obama to make a name for himself before he is no longer in office.

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