Tag Archives: Arrested

Faux Report

Patient Who Had Pictures Taken Of Penis While Unconscious Says Nurse Is ‘Hot,’ ‘Doesn’t Really Mind’

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FULTON, New York – 

Kristen Johnson, 27, was ordered to surrender her nursing license today after getting caught taking pictures of an unconscious patient’s penis with her iPhone, and sending the pictures to co-workers. The Fulton-area nurse apparently was in awe of the man’s member, and felt the need to take some “dick pics.”

The patient, whose identity remains anonymous, did make a public statement to the press, in that he was “completely okay” with the incident, and doesn’t really think that Johnson did anything wrong.

“I’m huge, and I know it, and that’s totally fine,” said the anonymous man, whose only identifying feature is that he is ‘over 10 inches.’ “Besides, now that I’ve seen the nurse who took the picture, I’m not too worried about it. She’s young and hot. They could let her off with a slap on the wrist – or on the ass, even – and it would all be good.”

A judge ordered that Johnson was “morally unfit” to continue her profession, and she was ordered to turn in her nursing license, and is no longer allowed to practice in her field within the state.

“Frankly, I’m kind of turned on by the whole thing,” said the patient. “I mean honestly. If the situation were reversed, and I was a hot girl who had her picture taken by a male nurse, they’d be stringing him up by his balls right now, and he’d be in jail. This is such a double standard. Either lock her up for invading privacy, or don’t, and call it a day. Either way, she should call me. I’m single and just coming out of a coma.”

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Faux Report

Shoplifting Mother Blames Crime On Baby; Baby Gets Arrested

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WESTFIELD, South Dakota – 

A woman who was stopped for shoplifting at Walmart claims that it “wasn’t her” that put more than $900 worth of merchandise into her baby carriage, and that her 4-month-old infant is to blame.

“Jamal has him some kleptomania, and it’s bad, so bad,” said Ja’La Jones, 24. “That little boy be stealing anything and everything when we go into the store. I’m ashamed, but he’s my son, it’s what I gotta deal with you, know?”

Police say that store detectives stopped Jones on suspicion of shoplifting after they say they saw multiple devices sticking out from underneath the diaper bag in her baby stroller.

“There was a PS4 video game system, some games, movies, a flat iron, and a 40oz,” said Walmart security guard Jim Olson. “We stopped Ms. Jones, and she said that her baby must have grabbed all the things when she wasn’t looking and stuffed them down there.”

Curiously enough, upon review of the store security footage, Jones was never seen putting anything in to her carriage at all; police ended up arresting her baby for grand larceny.

“He’s on a troubled path, but I think some time in jail might do him good, while he’s young,” said Jones. “Don’t want him ending up like whichever one of them guys is his daddy. All 4 possibilities are in jail right now. It’s a tough life out here.”

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Faux Report

Faceswap App Gets Man Arrested For Murder

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MURPHY, Delaware – 

James Gordon, 36, was arrested last night after he posted a face-swapped picture to his social media pages, say police. Gordon, who swapped faces with a picture of a man on a bus stop ad, said he thought the picture was “hilarious,” but someone who reported the picture definitely didn’t think so.

“There was a case of mistaken identity like I’ve never seen before,” said police chief Joel Silver. “The merging of the two faces that Mr. Gordon posted made him look exactly like a man we’ve been searching for. It was uncanny.”

Gordon says that police burst into his home at 12 Meadowlark Trail, guns drawn.

“I was terrified; I had no idea what was going on,” said Gordon, a construction worker. “Then when they told me I was being arrested for murder, I nearly had a heart attack.”

Lawyers for Gordon fought for his release, after they made police actually take a good look at him.

“They said, ‘look at this guy – does he look like the guy you’re after?'” said Gordon. “Police had to admit that I didn’t, but I did in that face swap picture, and that’s what they arrested me based on. It was truly bizarre.”

Police are now searching for the model who was used in the bus stop ad for questioning in their murder investigation.

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Faux Report

Woman Arrested For Encouraging Her Spoiled Children To Destroy Toy Section Of Store

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BALTIMORE, Maryland – 

Lakesa George of Baltimore was arrested on Thursday morning after she reportedly allowed her spoiled children to completely destroy the toy section of a local Goodwill store. Associates at the location say that they tried to get Ms. George to tell her children to stop, but she laughed at them.

“We noticed that her kids were running wild through the toys, and they were yanking everything off the shelf and just throwing it on the floor,” said store manager Mark Jones. “We asked Ms. George if she would control her children or we’d have to ask her to leave. She could barely be bothered enough to lift her eyes from her cell phone enough when she told me to ‘fuck myself,’ and that her kids could do whatever they wanted.”

According to police, Ms. George says that she has donated hundreds of items to Goodwill over the years, and that her kids have every right to go in and play with and do whatever they’d like with the toys.

“Every year, I donate me about 3 or 4 good outfits to the ‘Will,” said Lakesha George. “And I don’t mean no good outfits, I mean good outfits. They worth at least the amount that my kids messed up. Damn, that store ain’t seeing no more of my shit after this.”

Ms. George was arrested on trespassing charges after she refused to leave the store. Police were called, and a court has set her bail at $900. The children were taken by the state.

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Faux Report

Police Pull Over Man For Broken Headlight, Discover Trunk Filled With Human Remains

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MIAMI, Florida –

Frank Kerry, 40, was arrested and charged with murder after police pulled him over for a broken headlight on Sunday evening, only to discover the decomposing bodies of at least 3 people in the trunk of the vehicle.

“I pulled [the man] over for having a headlight out, which is pretty routine,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of Miami PD. “When I approached the vehicle, the man seemed very nervous, and there was an extremely foul odor coming from within the car. I asked Mr. Kerry to step out of the vehicle, and when he did, he ran for it. We caught him only about 50 yards away, and when he was tackled to the ground, he kept screaming ‘don’t look in the trunk!'”

When police did search the vehicle, they found the remains of at least 3 individuals, all disembowelled, beheaded, and cut into pieces. The entire trunk was filled with blood, and the bodies were in varying states of decomposition.

“If I’m being honest, it was the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” said Officer Goldsmith. “I wanted to vomit looking at the carnage. It was too much to handle.”

Police say that Kerry had a record that included armed robbery and criminal trespass, but nothing that would lead them to believe he was capable of a crime of this caliber.

“We are still investigating whether or not someone else may have been involved,” said Goldsmith. “The investigation is ongoing.”

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Faux Report

Police Pull Over Man For Broken Headlight, Discover Trunk Filled With Human Remains

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MIAMI, Florida –

Frank Kerry, 40, was arrested and charged with murder after police pulled him over for a broken headlight on Sunday evening, only to discover the decomposing bodies of at least 3 people in the trunk of the vehicle.

“I pulled [the man] over for having a headlight out, which is pretty routine,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of Miami PD. “When I approached the vehicle, the man seemed very nervous, and there was an extremely foul odor coming from within the car. I asked Mr. Kerry to step out of the vehicle, and when he did, he ran for it. We caught him only about 50 yards away, and when he was tackled to the ground, he kept screaming ‘don’t look in the trunk!'”

When police did search the vehicle, they found the remains of at least 3 individuals, all disembowelled, beheaded, and cut into pieces. The entire trunk was filled with blood, and the bodies were in varying states of decomposition.

“If I’m being honest, it was the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” said Officer Goldsmith. “I wanted to vomit looking at the carnage. It was too much to handle.”

Police say that Kerry had a record that included armed robbery and criminal trespass, but nothing that would lead them to believe he was capable of a crime of this caliber.

“We are still investigating whether or not someone else may have been involved,” said Goldsmith. “The investigation is ongoing.”

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Woman Arrested On Bestiality Charges Say ‘No Man Could Satisfy’ Her

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PHOENIX, Arizona –

A woman who was arrested and charged with having “oral and vaginal sex” with two canines says that she doesn’t at all regret the acts – which she says have been happening since she was 13 – because “no man” could satisfy her needs.

“When I was a teenager, I really wanted to have sex, but I wasn’t very attractive, and I was chunky, and all the boys just laughed at me,” said the woman, Brittany Sunny, now 20. “The one person who never laughed at me was my dog, Spot. He loved me for me. He loved me deeply, and I loved him. We started having sex when I was 13. He loved it, I loved it. After that, no man would do.”

Sunny says that Spot died a few years ago, and she fell in love with another dog, that she named Julius.

“Julius wasn’t as well endowed as Spot, but he still felt perfect,” said Sunny. “I tried dating men. I tried having sex with men. I love sex, but it’s just not the same when you’re having sex with a man. They can give you plenty, but they can’t give you everything. I just love taking the knot.”

Sunny, who is being held on $10,000 bail for animal abuse and cruelty charges, says she has “no regrets.” Lawyers for the state who are prosecuting her, say that they expect she will be placed into a mental facility to help curb her sexual proclivities.

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Man Arrested After Stealing Money From Step-Daughter’s Piggy Bank

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CARLSBAD, California –

Charlotte Melcher, age 7, called 911 all by herself to report that her stepfather, Drew Ellis, had stolen her money. Ellis admitted to police he had taken ten one dollar bills from the piggy bank to buy beer and cigarettes.

On the 911 call Charlotte says, “That was my money. Mine! I earned it doing chores and from Christmas. I told him not to take it!”

Police in Carlsbad did not take the offense lightly, charging Ellis with petty larceny after he admitted taking the money.

Mother Sierra Melcher says she thinks the arrest was unfounded and says Ellis would have replaced the money when he got paid. “I told Charlotte not to worry about it. I didn’t know she would call 911. Of course I don’t dare to spank her for doing it. Not now that I know she knows how to call the police. Next thing I know I’d be the one getting arrested.”

Ellis could not be reached for comment, but his lawyer, Joe Wickersham, says he is confident the case will be dismissed. The district attorney says that he is pushing for the maximum of 2 years in prison for the crime.

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Faux Report

Woman Pushes Wife Down Stairs, Blames It On Cat; Later Arrested For Strangling Cat To Death

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DELUTH, Mississippi –

Evie Pipkin has been charged with animal cruelty and first degree murder after she allegedly threw her wife, Michelle Chen, down the stairs of their home and told police she had tripped over the cat. Days after the murder, Pipkin strangled the cat and posted a picture on Facebook saying; “It had to be done. Feeling: sad.”

Friend of the couple Laura Shealy says, “She made a big show out of strangling the cat, like the cat had intentionally tripped Michelle. What kind of person could even think of doing that? What kind of person thinks that’s the right thing to do? That’s when we knew she had killed Michelle. Deep in my heart I always knew, but that right there, that’s case closed in my book.”

Police picked Pipkin up on charges of animal cruelty, and questioned her further about the death of her wife. Pipkin denies harming Chen. “We just got married in October after the law was passed. We were still in the honeymoon phase. I know now I should just have brought Shadow to the Humane Society, but I was just so angry. I couldn’t think clearly in my grief.”

Police say they are holding Chen on the animal cruelty charges, but she will remain a prime suspect in the death of Pipkin, which they have yet to rule an accident.

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Pregnant Woman Severely Beaten While Out At Bar

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TOLEDO, Ohio – 

Danielle Pierce was at a bar Sunday evening for a friend’s birthday when she was reportedly approached by another woman, Karley Stephenson, who accused Pierce of drinking. The altercation became heated after Pierce told Stephenson to “mind her own business,” and tried to walk away.

Pierce says she told Stephenson she was only drinking Coke and grenadine. “I told that psycho, ‘I’m eight months pregnant. I ain’t drinking,’ but she still came at me. She knocked the drink out of my hand, and it went all down the front of my shirt. Then she got nasty.”

After knocking the drink out of Pierce’s hand, Stephenson reportedly grabbed Pierce by the hair, and proceed to hit her in the face with a beer bottle until it shattered.

Security staff detained Stephenson until police arrived, and Pierce was brought by rescue to a local hospital. Doctors say she will likely have permanent disfiguring scars on her face from the attack. Stephenson has refused to apologize for the incident, saying, “She shouldn’t have been at the bar. You don’t go out drinking when you’re pregnant. If she wasn’t there, this wouldn’t have happened to her.”

Doctors say Stephenson’s baby was not harmed in the attack.

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Faux Report

Couple Arrested For Having Sex On Front Lawn of House

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CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

Exhibitionist couple Antonio Ramirez and Juana Dias apparently could not wait to get inside to get it on. They were reported by the neighborhood watch and arrested for having sex on their front lawn, partially hidden by a snow bank.

Attorney for the couple, Christopher Wagner, says, “Because they were doing it ‘doggy style’ they actually face additional charges here in New Hampshire where it is illegal to have sex unless it is in the missionary position, and for procreation only.”

Wagner says he feels the arrest was racially motivated. Latinos are the largest growing population in New Hampshire, now accounting for 5% of the population, which is a 50% increase since 2000. According to Wagner, the influx of Hispanics in the state has been met with resistance and prejudice. “If it was a white couple, we feel Ramirez and Dias would have gotten off with a warning.”

When asked why they were making love in the freezing cold, Ramirez says it was a rush, and at the time they thought no one could see them, although he did admit that “part of the thrill” was that they might.

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Teens Allegedly Vandalize Cemetery in Name of Satan

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ATLANTA, Georgia –

Paula McCain, who lives across the street from the Westview cemetery in Atlanta, witnessed the black-clad teens enter the graveyard and – recognizing that they were local goths – immediately called police.

Fearing a reputation of ‘rat’ in the community, McCain made it clear that she would not have normally called the police. “If it had been some boys from the football team, I’d have thought ‘boys will be boys,’ they’re probably just sneaking a beer. But devil worshipers going into a graveyard after dark – well, they’re likely sacrificing a cat or something.”

Officer Browne seized a half-smoked cigarette from one of the teens and confiscated a copy of the Satanic Bible by Anton Szandor LaVey as evidence. The 3 teens have been charged with vandalism for three old tombstones that appear to have been tipped over. The rumor that the teens are behind the recent disappearance of neighborhood cats has caught on and angry citizens are demanding that the courts throw the book at the kids.

Michael “Damian” Luther denies hurting anyone. “God must be sacrificed. ‘Under no circumstances would a Satanist sacrifice any animal or baby!’ It’s right there in the Satantic Bible. Look it up. If the pigs hadn’t taken my copy, I’d show you,” said Luther.

All three children are currently grounded by their parents while awaiting sentencing.

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Psychic Assaulted After Refusing To Divulge Winning Powerball Numbers

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DOVER, Colorado –

After Sarah “Moonbeam” Morris told Ricky Murphy to “go get a fortune cookie” when he demanded Saturday’s winning Powerball numbers, she was allegedly assaulted with a crystal ball. Moonbeam says she did not see it coming, but her guides had warned her to expect a visit from someone with desperate financial troubles earlier that day.

“The messages are vague sometimes. Think of communication from the other side like a bad cell connection. It can be a bit choppy,” says Moonbeam.

The longtime psychic says Murphy came in for a reading, at first venting that he was down, and then becoming agitated when she “refused” to give him the winning Powerball numbers. He then picked up a large quartz crystal ball, used for readings, from her table, and struck her twice over the head.

“My life purpose lies in helping others find the pathway to healing and happiness through the gift of psychic and intuitive counseling- not asking my spiritual guides for lottery numbers.”

She claims her spiritual guide did give her his license plate number though, which she gave police. Police later picked Murphy up at the Grand Dump Chinese Buffet. He is being charged with aggravated assault and leaving the scene of a crime.

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Woman Leaves Toddler In Freezing Car For Over 30 Minutes While She Buys Red Bull

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AKRON, Ohio – 

Cheryl Crawford has been arrested on charges of endangering a child after leaving her 5-year-old son in the backseat on an unheated car in frigid temperatures. She reportedly was getting him a Red Bull inside the gas station when a cash register malfunction held up the line.

Police Chief Andy Alleman told reporters a a concerned citizen called in, saying a young child was in the car alone on the 9-degree day. An officer responded within minutes and waited for the guardian’s return, fifteen minutes later. He had been preparing to break open the window.

The officer asked Crawford what had been so important in the store, and she produced lottery tickets, cigarettes, and a 12 oz RedBull. When the Crawford opened the locked car the boy “threw a fit, demanding the Redbull, which she refused to do, worried it might be illegal to give children caffeine.”

“Look, when you got a pain-in-the-ass little boy, then you talk to me about leaving him places,” said Crawford. “I went in the store, and there was problems with the register. What am I supposed to do? Take him inside every time I have to go to a store? What do I do when I go into my boy’s house to pick up a gram? Do I bring him in there, too? Shit.”

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